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Brenda Ann Spencer
Brenda Ann Spencer (a.k.a. The Garfield Killer) was an edgy teenage lesbian whose daddy made the brilliant decision to buy her a rifle for her 16th birthday despite the fact that he had been molesting her for years. On Monday, January 29, 1979, finally fed up with years of abuse and high as fuck on a combination of PCP and alcohol, Brenda decided to take out her brand-spanking-new Ruger and end her miserable life in style. Being too much of a fucking pussy to just blow a hole in her daddy's head and feeling that it would be too heterosexual to stick the barrel of a gun in her mouth, Brenda instead decided that she would get the police to do the job for her.
Seeing as she lived directly across from Cleveland Elementary School in San Diego, Brenda decided that the fastest way to get the cops to come and blow her brains out would be to snipe some squeakers from the comfort of her bedroom. Unfortunately, despite managing to kill both the school principal and custodian, Brenda had neglected to factor in the fact that the police in Commiefornia would be too fucking soft to shoot a 16-year-old white bitch even if she was shooting directly at children and cops. After being arrested and asked why she did it, Brenda responded with the unforgettable phrase "I don't like Mondays."
Despite utterly failing to kill herself and still being alive to this very day, Brenda Ann Spencer did help make America's National Pastime popular again following a nearly 15 year hiatus since Charles Whitman's Tumor and 50 years since Andrew Kehoe invented the sport by blowing up a fucking elementary school. Brenda is also notable for being the first woman to participate in school shooting under Title IX.
While Brenda's high score of a mere 2 kills and 9 injuries is laughably horrible, she still managed to beat out Encyclopædia Dramatica's very own William "AlGore" Atchison in pretty much every category except becoming an heroine. How's it feel getting your dead freckled arse kicked by a fucking 16-year-old girl, Willie?
Last Monday
January 29, 1979, was a perfectly normal Monday in America – The birds were chirping, the sky was clear, absolutely noone was happy and people were about to fucking die. 16-year-old bulldyke Brenda Ann Spencer had spent the previous night drinking and taking PCP to dull the emotional pain that came with being constantly raped by her father, Wallace Spencer, and that morning she finally decided to take the first step towards turning her life around through the miracle of suicide.
Brenda grabbed the Ruger that her sick fuck paedophile rapist father had given her for her 16th birthday and decided to end it all when she came to a startling conclusion – putting a gun in your mouth looks like putting a dick in your mouth. Knowing that she didn't want to die like a straight woman, Brenda quickly remembered that her house was across the street from an elementary school and the police probably wouldn't be kind to anyone who shot at innocent children.
Brenda began sniping at the children from her bedroom window, but as a woman she found herself completely unable to actually kill any of them. Like a couple of complete retards, school principal Burton Wragg and custodian Mike Suchar attempted to help the tots who had been shot which gave Spencer the opportunity to actually shoot at targets that were big enough for even a woman to hit.
After killing the two dumbfucks, Brenda soon found herself being totally cucked when the police decided to move a garbage truck between her and the school to prevent her from shooting anyone else. After 7 hours of negotiations, Spencer finally decided that the prospect of spending the rest of her life being raped by a bunch of women in prison was more up her alley than committing suicide.
The Song
Being a dumb woman, she actually got a song dedicated to her killings, by famous scam artist Bob Geldorf.
High Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 2/20 What do you expect from a woman? |
| Accuracy: | 17/20 Good at sniping but bad at actually killing anything. |
| Style: | 20/20 Camping done right. |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 First major school shooting since Charles Whitman. |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Fuckin' Mondays. |
| Total score: 79/100 (C+) | |
Wanted Level:
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Police Force
Gallery
See Also
- Charles Whitman
- Andrew Kehoe
- Title IX
- Clarissa - A graphic look at Brenda's childhood.
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Brenda Ann Spencer is part of a series on Visit the Faggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
