My Strange Addiction
My Strange Addiction, which would be a pretty cool name for a band, is a new and exciting old media show broadcast on TLC, America's favorite channel for gawking at geeks, freaks, gimps, and crazy people of all kinds. It had some pretty good programming about midgets, Mormons with huge families, and weird pregnancies. "John and Kate Plus Eight" was one of their most successful programs mostly because Kate was a total bitch to her vaguely Asian husband. John left his wife and annoying family to party hard and wear Ed Hardy t-shirts, and TLC needed a new horrorshow to attract viewers, so they came up with "My Strange Addiction," which is pure win for those who enjoy the misfortune of others.
This freakshow showcases people who don't actually have addictions, but rather extremely severe cases of OCD. These fine folks are just average people who happen to derive pleasure from eating strange things, engaging in self-destructive behavior, and worst of all, being a furry. These people actually know that what they are doing is fucked up and weird, but they either don't care or are living in total denial. Arguably, the funniest part of the show is when they are confronted by psychologists and doctors who tell them in no uncertain terms that they are fucked up mental cases who need to just fucking quit what they are doing.
The Freaks
The following people have given up their privacy and offered themselves up as lolcows sacrificed for the lulz:
People who eat weird shit:
People who eat non-food substances have a disorder called pica, a rare version of OCD. It often afflicts pregnant black chicks who eat clay and dirt. It was once thought that they did this because their diet was lacking in minerals, but this has been dismissed as bullshit. They're just crazy. TLC tells the stories of the following fucktards afflicted with pica:
- A negress who eats soap and laundry detergent. She insists that it makes her feel good and "clean inside." Soapy water was once used to make people vomit, so it's a mystery how she keeps all this crap down.
- Another negress who likes to eat the foam rubber from couch cushions. It would be interesting to find out how many couches this young lady has deprived her family of. She went to see a psychologist "just to get [her] family off her back." She found out that she could develop a bezoar, a lump of undigested crap that sits in the stomach or intestine, waiting to cause bowel obstruction and death. She had an endoscopy to see what was in her stomach, and unfortunately, it was empty. No bezoar, no lulz.
- Yet another negress who eats toilet paper. She has to carry toilet paper everywhere she goes, or she has a major freakout.
- Some old white trash skank who eats powdered bathroom cleaner. Comet seems to be her preferred brand, because everybody knows that Ajax is cheap and doesn't have that "mouth watering" (her words) smell. Bartenders Friend? Out of the question. Only Comet satisfies this old skeezer's cravings. She kept eating the stuff even though it caused teeth to become infected and extrude pus. TLC sent her to a cosmetic dentist who told her all her upper teeth had to be pulled, and it would cost $19,000 to replace her grill. She began to cry, providing viewers major lulz, but the dentist had to be a bitch about it and offer to do the dental work for free. Nice way to deflate a lulz boner, TLC.
People who lift heavy shit:
- Lauren is a bodybuilder who would work out constantly if she could. Every spare minute of her life is spent bodybuilding. What she needs to do is to put down the weights and pick up a frying pan, an iron, or a cock.
- Another guy likes to lift heavy shit. He doesn't really care what it is, as long as it's heavy. He'll lift refrigerators, huge chains used to moor Navy ships to the dock, dumbbells, whatever.
Other crazy people:
- One girl named Lori likes to sleep with her blow dryer running, despite the fact that she has awakened in the morning with burns.
- A 20 year old skank loves tanning so much she looks like an oompa loompa. Her skin is way too dark, and her hair is bleached almost white. She has no idea how hideous she looks, since she is like a woman who is so afraid of change that she is still wearing the beehive hairdo she began wearing in the 1960's. She admits that she tans at three separate facilities a day because she's only limited to twenty minutes a day at any one place. She's been burned so badly her ass developed additional cracks that bled and wept serum. After being confronted by two doctors and a skin cancer survivior, she refuses to give up tanning.
- Rachel is a twentysomething hambeast that spends two hours a day picking her own scabs. When there aren't enough scabs, she cuts herself, creating fun new wounds to pick at. She's engaged to some guy named Bobby, who looks normal, but must be fucked up in some deep way to agree to marry a morbidly obese woman who cuts herself and gets off on picking the scabs. It seems very likely that he did a stretch in prison.
- "Davecat" is a self-loathing, weaboo Negro from Detroit who talks white and loves his RealDoll. He really loves his RealDoll, so much so that instead of just fucking it and slinging it off the bed and crying himself to sleep in lonely shame, he treats it like his wife. It makes one wonder what he would do if it breathed and talked, threw dishes and called him names, like a real woman.
Davecat refers to anyone who is not a glorified rubber cum-dumpster as "organic".
Lauren the furfag
From the Furry News Network: Lauren Atkins, aka Kiira the fennec fox can’t imagine going to a party or social event without wearing her fur suit. She’s completely dedicated to her “fursona” — designing and sewing her costume well into the night, it even takes priority to finding a job.
Lauren is a sad case of a woman with so many body image issues and mental health problems that she can not face life as a human. Instead of taking a nice, strong dose of shotgun mouthwash or swallowing an entire bottle of Elavil (hint, HINT!) like a reasonable person, she instead has decided to wrap her entire life around imaginary creatures: furries.
Apparently, her obsession with furversion began after her father died when she was 13. Instead of developing a drug habit or becoming a whore like a NORP, she entered the sick, sad world of furry. It's a real shame, as Lauren was actually rather fuckable when she was younger, but putting on and pulling off a greasy furry head has wreaked havoc on her complexion. She's also gotten to be quite the hambeast, because obviously, her human skin isn't her real self, so she can eat donuts all night long as she lives her lonely internet life.
She wears her fursuit constantly and will not go into public without it. She refuses to answer to her own name, insisting that she be referred to "Kiira the fennec fox". Her only friends and relationships are with other furries online. She doesn't even go to work or college anymore as she is too busy being a furry. Of course, other furries condone these behaviors, believing that being a "furry 24-7" is a good thing.
With no friends, her masculine, bald, badass cousin made fun of to try to snap her out of it. "Hey, why don't you push the ball down the lane with your tail!" he jeered as she went bowling in her fursuit. Yet that wasn't enough to get her attention.
Seeing her cousin failed to get Lauren's attention, her mom was rightfully concerned and had to tell the girl to remove the fox head so they could talk. Her mom told her that she has a real problem. Lauren got very defensive and insisted it was just a hobby, the typical furfag response to fursecution.
—Lauren's Mom | ||
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Lauren was sure she was going to stay a furry forever as she really was a for real and true fox and nobody could ever take her furriness away from her. It's something you're born into like being Gay or retarded, you know! Everyone would see her story and agree with her that she was right and applaud her bravery.
Of course, as everyone watching the show was sane, the response was the exact opposite. The only people agreeing were the echo chambers of the furry fandom. Everyone else now knew that the girl in the fox suit was irreparably insane and warned their children to stay away from her. Millions of people found her site and sent her emails and soon she was BAWWing to the Furry news about her own comments.
I’d love to get my side of the story out.
- You did that already, cunt. TV show, remember?
I have left the fandom, though I still do make costumes and occasionally go out in it with my friends who are also furs. I just don’t associate myself as a furry anymore.
- So you are leaving forever, yet still hang with furries and take fursuit commissions... Sure, "not a furry".
But they totally twisted everything, I can just tell by the preview.
- You're judging things based on assumptions... just like a furry...
I told them I only go out maybe once a month if that. I never bring it out around people that aren’t furs, and I never once brought it to a gathering or social event. Yet they say I can’t stand to be without it for one minute.
- Sure, that's why you went bowling, shopped for clothes, went to a public cafe, and even read books in it with your non-furry camera crew. You even said you were always going to be this way.
I know my video will just provoke the community more, but I do need to get my side of the story out regardless. I’m glad there are still some people with common sense in this world.
See Also
External Links
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My Strange Addiction is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |