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Tumbles the Stairdragon
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Tumbles the Stairdragon is the moniker earned by an otherwise unremarkable furfag who generated totalulz by trying to become an hero at a furry convention. When his attempt to slash his throat with a thick plastic sunglass lens failed to generate sufficient drama, he flung himself down a steep flight of concrete stairs. Unfortunately for him (and for everyone else), the staircase only had seven stairs. Fortunately for the gene pool, he's a fag and won't be reproducing anyway.
The sad, sad tale of Tumbles
Prior to his unfortunate failure at offing himself, Tumbles, who went by "Chyra" at the time, pretty much spent the whole night doing what furries do best: making an ass of himself in a variety of ways. Aided by some heavy drinking and a respectable amount of weed and acid, he got himself kicked out of room party for ignoring even the few rudimentary rules of social interaction furries manage to follow: groping anything that came near him and threatening to kill anyone who even mentioned cocaine because he was so desperate for some. He then realized noone was listening to him and pitched a giant fit, throwing his sandals to the ground and sobbing pitifully as only an unwashed fat coke addict (moar liek cookie addict, amirite?) can. Eventually, everyone in the entire building had made it known that they didn't want him in their fucking rooms (not that they had to worry about him fucking in their rooms) and he made his way to the smoking area, where he found the stairs from which he received his True Name.
At this point, it must have become clear even to him that he had no reason to live; indeed, not even the other furfags could put up with his shit. So, after a brief struggle, he managed to remove a lens from his sunglasses and began to vigorously rub it against his neck in hopes of slashing his throat with it. Since he didn't notice that most sunglasses are dull plastic, he of course failed in epic fashion.
So he launched himself down the stairs.
His rallying cry while rolling down the concrete steps was "I CAN'T STOP MYSELF!" After the lulz-induced hysteria of watching a furry try and fail at killing himself subsided, someone managed to call the police. The police arrived, and Tumbles repeatedly begged officers to shoot him, crying "OH BABY OH BABY YES I LIKE IT YES YES PLEASE." They slammed him into the ground a few times in dramatic black person style, and by then an ambulance had arrived to carry the fat furfag off on a pair of stretchers held side by side. The extent of his injuries were regrettably superficial, though he was held in a mental institution because at that time he was showing signs of being unfit for social interaction. He has since been seen at other furry conventions, and when confronted he quickly left the area and was not seen afterward.
Sadly, the hotel in Atlanta did not press charges.
The Legend Lives On
Word got around even faster than gonorrhea at a furry convention; people who weren't even at the con heard about it within a few hours, despite alleged warnings by event Gestapo against talking about it. This led to the creation of many memes, but as they were all thought up by furries, none have achieved any win.
Chyra's immense display of public faggotry has recently inspired this lulztastic flash game: Oh lawd is dat sum stairs D:
A Warning
Posted across several furry blogs, Stairdragon's background story serves as a warning to potential yiff-mates: do not stick your fursuited dick in crazy!
- Chyra's actually a husky, by fursona, and he's an unstable, dangerous and very stupid individual.
- I had to live with him twice, for extended periods of time, because the leaseholder of the apartment we were in at the time had a soft spot in her heart for hopeless cases. He'd thrown himself down the apartment's stairs as well, in another feeble attempt at his final goodbye. The first time he left... I don't remember the exact reasons we gave him, but chief was his refusal to take his hand-fulls of daily medications prescribed by mental health professionals to curb his schizophrenia, manic-depression... and goddess knows what all else. I've seen his daily doses...He came back, after three months, promising to behave, to pay his bills, and take his meds, as well as go to his doctors, and NOT DO DRUGS.
- He made short work of wrecking all of these stipulations, and it was quite downhill from there. He'd started drinking, then doing pot and cocaine thinking quite honestly that they were perfect, if not more suiting medications for his host of malfunctions. The big day hit, he had a 'That wasn't a fart!' moment all over our rug, staining it through his only article of clothing, his underpants, then proceeded to try and hit me up for sex, by biting the hell out of my leg and crotch.
- He's a lot bigger than me. I was SCARED. Another room-mate (We'll call him 'Hero') came in and helped me babysit him, and he started getting confrontational over nothing, crying, laughing and raving from one second to the next, most of it very violent towards the lease-holder, who I'll thus call 'Den Mother'. He then snapped, and ran outside, remember, wearing only shit-stained underpants, and went right for the highway, and Hero was hot on his heels.
- Me? I was too busy still trying to recover from the massive panic attack he'd been giving me. Hero tackled him to the ground after he'd stopped in front of a car, and knocked him to the median. Chyra gets up, alternately begging the car's driver to run him over because he wanted to die, and crying that he wanted to live. Hero knocked him down again, and Chyra got out of his grip and tried it again. Someone had called the cops, lucky thing, because they got there and Rodney'ed him down before the oblivious driver coming for him could hit him.
- We had him put away for all this, and even when thy finally let him out after his third hearing and what I understand to have been good therapy, he still wanted to do drugs and drink, thinking it wasn't his problem. Chyra is a violent, and unstable individual, and great care must be taken anywhere near this person.
- Upon hearing of 'tumbles', I was certain it was Chyra, but what threw me off was the 'dragon' part. But now you all know, and knowing is half the battle.
Post-Tumble
WikiFur reports that fandom grievances have been settled and Chyra has been re-baptized as a furry.
- The following year people were surprised that "Tumbles" attended the con again. Most of the surprise was over the rumor that he had been banned from FWA, the Sheraton, or both. In an effort to make amends, "Tumbles" went up to several furries he'd met in '07 and apologized for his behavior the previous year, stating that, "I lose control when I drink too much, and I'm sorry for the way I acted and the things I said. I made an ass of myself before and this year I'm not drinking at all", and that all he wanted to put the whole business behind him. Despite rumors he has no plans on going into hiding or avoiding the con in the future.
Gallery
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Tumbles the Stairdragon is part of a series on Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article April 9 & 10, 2015 | ||
| Preceded by Tourneyfag |
Tumbles the Stairdragon | Succeeded by Lord Foxworth |