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Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards celebrate individuals who improve the human gene pool by removing themselves from it in a suitably lulzy manner. In case you failed middle school, it's named after some oldfag that's now dead (ironic, isn't it) who got irl famous for updating the theory of evolution to the point where it would be denied in Middle American classrooms, by studying animals like turtles, birds, and hookers in South America. This award goes to people whose entire lives led up to bringing some sadistic strangers laughter for two minutes at the expense of their mourning families and/or testicles.
TL;DR: they illustrate natural selection in action.
How to win a Darwin award
There are two types of Darwin Awards:
- Living Darwin Awards, who celebrate individuals that render their dicks useless in lulzy ways and probably turn into trannies afterwards.
- Dead Darwin Awards, where the recipient can't be present to bask in the honor of being a winner for obvious reasons.
In order to qualify for either of these stories, some other criteria is required:
- The act has to be lulzy and have truth.
- The contestant must be otherwise able to spread its seed. No kids (you sick fuck). No retards, since nobody wants to fuck them anyway. Drunks are fair game, though.
- Self destruction only. Save your lulzy murders for Worldstar Hiphop.
If you meet this requirements, then the only thing stopping you is your creativity. Why, even you can win this distinguished honor (better get practicing)!
Well known winners
Timothy "Grizzlyman" Treadwell
Timmy Treadwell was the ultimate furfag. A man who decided to take his love for animals to a whole new level and spent thirteen summers fucking around with grizzly bears before the inevitable happened and Timmy found out that bears are not, in fact, all about care and love and much prefer the taste of manflesh to nuts, berries and raw salmon.
Carlos "Can't Get Me" Sousa Jr
An idiot spic who's idea of fun was taunting a fully grown Siberian tiger with his friends San Francisco Zoo on Christmas day 2007. After throwing rocks and pine cones at Tatiana the Tiger the big cat finally lost its shit jumped 15ft in the air and over its containment, and proceeded to open up a can of whoop-ass on the three halfwits who had been taunting her, mauling two and killing Sousa outright.
Steve Irwin
AKA: "Crocodile Dundee" AKA: "that dumbfuck who spent his life pissing large, poisonous and/or otherwise deadly creatures off for the lulz,"
Steve Irwin was an Ausfailian who made it big playing with large, fanged, poisonous and otherwise dangerous things on TV. After spending years narrowly avoiding becoming croc food Steve decided to leave his expertise in snakes and reptiles and fancy himself a marine biologist cuz like, how different can snakes and fish really be.
Full of dick and arrogance Steve made the mistake of swimming in a murky river full of stingrays, a notoriously skittish creature armed with a 10cm long barb. Irwin took a critical hit straight to the heart, mortally wounding him. Again, being the stupid ass fuck he was, instead of leaving the barb where it was and living, Steve saw that the camereas were still rolling and wanting to look like a man, he pulled the barb out killing himself. Alas already having two brats disqualifies him from a true Darwin award but the manner of his life and death definitely qualifies him for an honourable mention.
Particularly Lulzy Entries
See Also
- High Score - the extreme cousin
- An hero
- Fail
- Retard
- Evolution
- Creationism - A belief held by many that desperately don't want to be nominated.
External Links
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Darwin Awards is part of a series on Visit the Sites Portal for complete coverage. |