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Tim Kretschmer
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| Born | July, 26, 1991 |
| Nationality | Germany 
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| Highscore | Killed 15 (+ suicide), Injured 9 |
| Style | FPS, Single Player, Pistol-Only-Server |
| An Hero | Headshot, 11 March 2009 |
| Rank | 14th Place 1st: Sir Anders Behring Breivik 2nd: Woo Bum-kon 4th: Cho Seung-Hui 14th: Tim Kretschmer 17th: Nidal Malik Hasan |
Tim Kretschmer (November 6, 1991 – March 11, 2009) was a 17-year-old graduate of the Albertville-Realschule in Winnenden, Germany who committed a mass murder of fifteen people (eleven were women) and wounded nine others, including two policemen, all for the good old lulz. His shooting rampage has been dubbed as the Winnenden School Shooting. Kretschmer committed suicide after being cornered and wounded by police officers.
The press helpfully pointed out that Kretschmer was playing a lot of Counter-Strike, and we all know what that does to people. He also was an avid Bulletball player and had planned on becoming a professional player.
Kretschmer was a loner and had no friends, he lived in his basement wanking over Anime. Pretty much like you, except he really was an exceptional shooter. However at least we expect that you'd have the courtesy to write an article on ED before you did it so we'd have the exclusive.
BTW, little Tim was rejected by the actual Nazi army, because he was too wacky for the Wehrmacht.
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 15/20 |
| Accuracy: | 20/20 |
| Style: | 13/20 |
| Butthurt: | 18/20 |
| Bonus: | 17/20 Provided the world with much-needed lulz |
| Total score: 83/100 (B) | |
Tim getting a footbullet
Krautchan trolling win
The German police and world media were successfully trolled by someone on Krautchan pretending to be Kretschmer who apparently posted hours before the shooting.
Translation: Damn it Anonymous, this is getting to me. I'm fed up with this shitty life. Always the same - Everybody laughs at me, nobody recognizes my potential. I'm serious Anonymous. I have weapons here and tomorrow morning I'll go to my former school and have a great time barbecuing. Maybe I will even get away. Keep your ears open Anons. You will hear from me tomorrow. Just remember the name of the location: Winnenden. And now, don't report this to the police, don't be scared, I'm just trolling XD
German Innenminister (Secretary For State Security) Rech spreading the krautchan hoax at a press conference
Rech later admitted that the post was a hoax, saying "Some crazy person apparently decided to pass around this awful fake message."
Somebody else crafted this masterpiece and put it on 4chan:
But was less successful.
JawsPredator1
He allegedly traveled the internets as JawsPredator1 and had an account at the German video portal video.gmx.net, on which he was flamed posthumously until the host decided to delete his account - see the hate in google cache
Some tough guys however decided to use his profile page to announce their evil plans:
- AndreasMarcus1992 14.03.2009, 11:43 Uhr
- Du hast das richtige getan Tim!! Aber cih werde dich überbieten und alle verfickten Menschen von meiner Schule abknallen -.- Und da im moment eh 100 von solchen drohungen kommen wird die polizei kaum ernst nehmen wenn noch eine drohung kommt... ich danke dir für die aktion.. aber mein lauf wird mit abstand der beste den die welt gesehen hat!
Translation:
- AndreasMarcus1992 14.03.2009, 11:43 Uhr
- You did the right thing, Tim!! But I will outperform you and kill all fucking people at my school -.- And since hundreds of these threats are coming anyways, the police will hardly take another one seriously... I thank you for your action.. but my run will be the best the world has ever seen!
the drama continues...
An Heroes Comparison: Kretschmer vs. McLendon
The day before Kretschmer enacted IRL Counter-Strike, Alabaman Michael McLendon went on a slightly less impressive spree in which he murdered eleven people (including himself) in a fit of Darwinian justice. While these two incidents are similar, their respective merits necessitate comparison for the sake of determining who obtained more points.
Kretschmer:
- Killed five more individuals; wounded nine others (whether or not any of his victims were Turks - who aren't really people and are therefore worth fewer points - is not widely known)
- Got Bonus for shooting eleven girls.
- Was a crack shot, regardless of Germany's far more restrictive gun laws
- Shot two cops after taking a bullet in each leg
- Functioned as a fully serviceable killing machine despite numerous handicaps (teenager, whiner, German)
McLendon:
- Killed his fucking mom, grandmother, uncle, niece and cousin, thus truncating his family tree quite severely
- Burned down his mom's house
- Pwnt an 18-month-old girl
- Opened fire on Wal-Mart and Piggly Wiggly retailers
Whichever of these two garnered more points depends entirely on criteria implemented in calculating scores, but this much is certain: neither did it for the lulz or topped Cho's high score.
Trolling from beyond the grave
Kretschmer has verified his position as an true hero by causing a huge debate over a possible ban of violent video games. On the 5th of June, the Secretaries For State Security of all 16 Länder proposed a ban on all "... games in which murder, torture or other inhumane acts of violence against humans or human-like beings are an important gameplay element..." - i.e. any game ever made except for Furcadia. Gamers all around Germany were outraged, proving that Kretschmer was not only an hero but is also an undead troll, continuing his work even after his death. Resistance is not expected, as it is unlikely that the German gaming community will stop masturbating, get up off their chairs and fight the good fight.
Gallery
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Tim K. in full rig -
A t-shirt worn by outraged gamers after the Winnenden incident and game-banning debate. Translation: "Killer-games gamer" - [run as fast as you can]
Moar
- Tim Crotchmer's wikipedo
- Uncovering the krautchan Tim K. hoax (made by an Expert)
- Tagesschau news broadcast about Tim Kretschmer (incl. Krautchan hoax message)
![A t-shirt worn by outraged gamers after the Winnenden incident and game-banning debate. Translation: "Killer-games gamer" - [run as fast as you can]](/index.php?title=Special:Upload&wpDestFile=Killer_spiel_spieler.jpg){kind=link}
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Spree/One-time Killers: |
Aaron Alexis • Adam Lanza • Alex Hribal • Alyssa Bustamante • Anthony Warner • Audrey Hale • Bruce Jeffrey Pardo • Casey Anthony • Cho Seung-Hui • Devin Patrick Kelley • Dylan Klebold • Dylann Storm Roof • Eric Harris • Gerry McCann • James Holmes • Jared Lee Loughner • Jason Rodriguez • Jeff Weise • Jiverly Voong • Joe Stack • Josef Fritzl • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Mark Essex • Martin Bryant • Matthew de Grood • Matthew Murray • Matti Saari • Maurice Clemmons • Pekka-Eric Auvinen • Raoul Moat • Richard Speck • Robert Hawkins • Stephen Paddock • Tim Kretschmer • Timothy Hendron • TJ Lane • Tyler Peterson • Wade Michael Page • Woo Bum-kon |
|---|---|---|
| Career/Serial Killers: |
Academy Maniacs • Adolf Hitler • Charles Manson • Chris Benoit • Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs • Dubya • Jack the Ripper • Jeffrey Dahmer • Mao Zedong • Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski • Ted Bundy | |
| Terrorists: |
Al Qaeda • Anders Behring Breivik • Anderson Lee Aldrich • Anton Lundin Pettersson • Dzhokhar Tsarnaev • Elliot Rodger • George Sodini • Maniacs Murder Cult • Mark Essex • Nidal Malik Hasan • Osama bin Laden • Tamerlan Tsarnaev • Ted Kaczynski | |
| See also: |
Antisocial personality disorder • Jews • Murder • Paranoid personality disorder • Pittsburgh Paint Job • Police Brutality • Sick fuck |