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BlazBlue
BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger is a two-dimensional arcade fightin' game by Arc System Works, the staff behind the Guilty Gear series. While the ultimate goal is to manipulate the face buttons on your $200 plastic doodad clickety-clack Hori Faggotmasher TE until your opponent achieves KO status, tournament players have discovered that it is better suited as a racing game.
A rehash of the game known as Continuum Shift is set to fuck your shit up when it hits consoles, completely shifting the tiers around and basically forcing everyone to learn a button that isn't D.
Plot
See anime, or for a better summary, make something up involving time travel, overlapping worlds, and anything you feel would belong in a Marvel comic except, you know, anime. Additional plot keywords include furry, mecha, incest and real soviet damage.
Technically Speaking
David Sirlin hates it because throwing is worthless at Wong-tier gameplay, but that doesn't mean much since David is a faggot and you'll never be as good as Justin Wong.
Fanbase
Like many fightin’ games, BlazBlue has a wide variety of players who enjoy it, or very specifically, 2 types of people:
- Faggot weeb nerds who set their language settings to grolious nihongo.
- Wannabe tourneyfags who claim half the roster is broken, when in truth, half the roster sucks compared to Nu and Arakune.
The long-rumored third type, the legitimate "Good player", has in fact been extinct since the release of MvC2 on PSN and Live. Let it be noted that neither type actually enjoys playing the game, and spend most of their time talking about the game as opposed to actually playing it.
That one sequel
Due to the Japanese publishers being idiots, the sequel BlazBlue: Continuum Shift was released four days early and spoilers were promptly posted on the Fagloop forums.
- TERUMI ISN'T THE BIG BAD GUY HOLY SHIT
- SAYA WAS ALIVE ALL ALONG AND IS PULLING THE STRINGS AND IS REALLY RUNNING THE NOL HOLY SHIT
- NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CARL, BANG OR TAO
- LITCHI AND TSUBAKI ARE EVIL
- TSUBAKI AND HAKUMEN SLEPT TOGETHER
- TERUMI KICKS RACHEL IN THE FACE FOR THE LULZ
- JIN IS A GOOD GUY AND WORKING WITH JUBEI
- KOKONOE HAS NUKES
- NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT NOEL
Characters
Ragna The Bloodedge
The primary source of GAR and girl fap in the game, this manly, mysterious protagonist is on some important quest to do something no one really knows anything about. In order to play this character successfully one must constantly spam the A button until their opponent dies; unless of course one is playing against Jin, in which case they are boned.
Jin Kisaragi
OMG SPOILERS: HE IS RAGNA'S BROTHER (Moar liek Jizz Kissurassi amirite?) The secondary source of fangirl insanity and a total fag btw, this high up NOL officer is totally cool and is not a jerk to everybody. He is also arguably the best character in the game to play because all of the protip-giving MLGs play as him in tournaments. He rides the ICENING!!!1!. He wants to fuck is brother anally.
Noel Vermillion
The thankfully female version of Bridget from Guilty Gear, she loves whining about getting raped by superior-tier characters and being the "handiest" girl around. To play this character a person must be skilled enough to press the A button and then mash the living cum out of B, X and Y in order to string attacks properly. Other than that no one really cares about her except her good friends. Constantly tries to get Ranga to fuck her, even though Ragna doesn't give a shit about her.
Rachel Alucard
The vampire loli twilight-loving fap magnet that every Japanese game requires. She and her sex slave animal friends run about the land yiffing and drinking tea while attempting to be an important character in the main plotline. To win with this character simply pull down your pants and enjoy watching her get raped by her opponent. After you lose tell the person over xbox live that you just came during the fight, and listen to the lulz, use a female voice for maximum win.
Iron Tager
No one really cares about this guy except that he needed to have his body repaired after having sex with a horse. That is all.
Arakune
A completely insane badass killing machine was once a horny scientist but is now an incorpeal mass of quasi-dimensional ether mass, which basically means he is pretty screwed. He is also the luckiest man alive having the super-fox girlfriend Lichi allow him to do whatever he wants to her. Arakune, nearly every other character in this stupid game has massive mental instability problems, and cannot correctly finish a sentence if his life depended on it. To play this character well one must master a complex series of counters, combos and specials in order to even hit the enemy once. This being said it is clear he sucks.
Bang Shishigami
The ninja master of Ronan Gui, this Naruto wannabe tries his best to seduce Lichi, but she is already Arakune's hoe and he does not share his pussy. This forces Bang to constantly log on to 4chan and fap to sasukexnaruto yaoi. To be good with this character one must select another character, don't worry, Bang knows he is terrible and does not really care. However, his install move allows him to go super saiyan and rape the shit out of any other character while the fag who sings the Dragon Ball Z openning sings in moonspeak.
His Astral Finish consists in piercing the enemy with his gigantic nail, and stand naked, looking at the screen when he is done.
Lichi Faye Ling
A generic walking pair of tits that also teaches Taokaka to not do the molesting that causes so many fanboys to forcefap. She is from a far away country who came all the way to city 13 (Half Life 2 lol) to find her pimp Arakune. In order to win with this character one needs to follow this pattern: A Jump A Jump A Jump in repetition. If the other player does not get distracted by her rack then they will feel completely inadequate with their own, inferior chest.
Apparently the great and respected Matsu-Sensei from Deviantart seem to have an interest to this character due to the awesome-sized titties she possess.
Taokaka
The furfag character that everyone from deviant art would like to play as. This mentally slow half cat half human enjoys playing with Lichi's luscious melons, tuna and butchering the English language. For those wanting to communicate with her, they would have to take into account her terrible use of words. This is made much easier though if one speaks in lolcats.
Normal: I'm cumming on this photo of Ragna
Taokaka: Myi'm cumming un dis photo uf Rawrgna
As one can see there are very distinct differences in speech. To play Taokaka effectively one must spam A in the direction of the enemy.
Carl Clover The shoti model boy and his sex robot nirvana from ze good old land of ze clocks which is ruled by the great old King of /B/tards , Australia, travel around playing vigilante looking around for people to fight. Don't play this fail shota Character, he sucksssssssssssssssss.
Hakumen
He is the white void,the cold steel,he is the Just Sword,with blade in hand he will reap the sins of this world and cleanse it in the Fires of Destruction,he is Hakumen,the super cool jerkface of the game that will not invite you to his birthday party. Anybody can rape with this character as long as they spam the B button in and attempt to be completely fair. Other than being an ancient hero who has been alive for thousands of years, no one really care about him. He is the future version of Jin Kisaragi, or something
Nu
The two faced whore of the game. She has little other plot significance other than to meet Ragna for the final fight and beat him off so the universe can restart or something. Like any other fighter in the game one simply needs to rape the A button with their thumb in order to win. You also get extra lulz for being a cheap faggot. The final boss of the game. Very nice ass BTW. She is the future version of Noel, in case you could not tell
Tsubaki Yayoi She is a very good friend of Noel, and is Hazama's assistant or something, nobody gives a shit about her, just like with Noel. She enjoys incest and will screw any family member if told to. Hazama mind raped her to kill Noel, but she turned out to be useless. Also blind for some reason.
Hazama/Terumi Yuuki The Real Real Bad Guy from the series, who was one of the six heroes but then quitted it and decided to become the biggest asshole in the whole planet, and succeed. Why you may ask? well its because he:
-Created Time Loop
-Mind raped a little boy to cut off his big brother's arm
-Fights just like Michael Jackson would, if he wasn´t dead and a pedo
-Actually pisses off the vampires
-Reminds everybody how much he screwed their lives every single cutscene
-Failed experiment almost destroys world
-Successful Experiment still going to destroy the world anyway
Hazama, the king of trolls
He also looks a lot like Gin Ichimaru from Bleach and Dr. Jackal from Get Backers´s love child, with green hair. With the DLC color packs, you get one palette that looks like the Joker.
Moo-12
Noel's robo personality. She is a psycho bitch who wants to kill everything for no adequate reason. She entered this form when Hazama made her cry after making fun of her tits. She shoots lasers, but her real super power is dressing in nothing but a cape and a crotch plate. Her instant kill consists of her grabbing a gold dildo and hitting her opponent with it.
Makoto Nanaya The first of the DLC characters. She is a furry squirrel girl who is also a very good friend of Noel's. She is the main source of underboob. To play as her, One must mash C constantly.
Valkenhay R. Hellsing The second DLC character. He is Rachel's butler, who is a werewolf for no reason in particular. He goes batshit insane when someone makes fun of Rachel. He turns into a Darkstalker's character.
Platinum the Trinity The third DLC character. She is a super loli, and Rachels fap magnet replacement. She can transform into an all powerful loli hero, A bitchy 7 year old, or a gay 13 year-old boy. She crushes you with a cat's head.
Jubei A cat furry who is the most powerful being alive. he Chooses to do nothing while the world is ending and would rather catch some pussy. he likes to troll Taokaka by killing her opponent before she can. His daughter Kokonoe hates him for not apparent reason.
Nine/Phantom/Kokone A.Mercury/that slut who uses magic Nine is a hot ass witch who died before she can do anything important. she had sex with Jubei and then gave birth to a bitchy furry. Hazama killed her for the lulz and brought her back to life for the lulz. She never got a speaking part.
Kokonoe A bitchy furry who can't go one scene without a curse word. She is the bastard child of Nine and Jubei, even though she doesn't give a shit about them. she kidnapped Hakumen, who just ran away again anyway. She made Tager, and abuses him, mentally and sexually. She mindraped Nu's twin Lambda and made her a sex slave as well. she likes lollipops.
Lambda Nu's mentally stable replacement. When Nu died, she decided to live in her sister's brain. She is also less cheap. Due to that, she died again, and then Nu decided to get her cheap body back with hax. No one seemed to care about Lambda, and payed more attention to Nu.
Linhua She is the actual main character of the story and has more power than anyone else, the creators just don't want you to know. They barley show her or even reveal any aspect of her story, but that is just a trick to hide her power! Her only revealed power is to punch Tager, and make her fists bleed, thus proving how powerful she is!
Saya She is the head of the NOL, and Ragna and Jin's sister. The only power that is shown of her's is the power to make plotwists with her presence. Her hair is purple and eyes are red for no reason.
Gallery
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Yeah cause this is what brothers do. -
An anime character wielding a massive phallic symbol that isn't a sword. Now I've seen everything. -
Jin recreating the face your uncle had on "that day".
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The original design for Carl Clover. Edited because a little boy appeals more to the Japs that buy this shitty game. -
The upcoming movie. -
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Exploitable template that you too can utilize to make awesome Ice Car jokes. -
Another hilarious flowchart. -
Jin's cool ride. -
A simplified one-button arcade stick for Jin. Take a wild fucking guess what the button is for. -
A starting guide that all Jin players should examine thoroughly. -
Save the planet, drive blue.
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