BlazBlue
BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger is a two-dimensional arcade fightin' game by Arc System Works, the staff behind the Guilty Gear series. While the ultimate goal is to manipulate the face buttons on your $200 plastic doodad clickety-clack Hori Faggotmasher TE until your opponent achieves KO status, tournament players have discovered that it is better suited as a racing game.
A rehash of the game known as Continuum Shift is set to fuck your shit up when it hits consoles, completely shifting the tiers around and basically forcing everyone to learn a button that isn't D.
Plot
It is a serious story about the collapsing of time itself and the manipulations of more devious men.
See anime, or for a better summary, make something up involving time travel, overlapping worlds, and anything you feel would belong in a Marvel comic except, you know, anime. Additional plot keywords include furry, mecha, incest and real soviet damage.
Spoilers are promptly posted on the Fagloop forums days after the release of each entry to the series.
- TERUMI ISN'T THE BIG BAD GUY HOLY SHIT
- SAYA WAS ALIVE ALL ALONG AND IS PULLING THE STRINGS AND IS REALLY RUNNING THE NOL HOLY SHIT
- NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CARL, BANG OR TAO
- LITCHI AND TSUBAKI ARE EVIL
- TSUBAKI AND HAKUMEN SLEPT TOGETHER
- TERUMI KICKS RACHEL IN THE FACE FOR THE LULZ
- JIN IS A GOOD GUY AND WORKING WITH JUBEI
- KOKONOE HAS NUKES
- NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT NOEL
Fanbase
Like many fightin’ games, BlazBlue has a wide variety of players who enjoy it, or very specifically, 2 types of people:
- Faggot weeb nerds who set their language settings to grolious nihongo and fap to their waifus.
- Wannabe tourneyfags who claim half the roster is broken, when in truth, half the roster sucks compared to Nu and Arakune.
The long-rumored third type, the legitimate "Good player", has in fact been extinct since the release of MvC2 on PSN and Live. Let it be noted that neither type actually enjoys playing the game, and spend most of their time talking about the game as opposed to actually playing it.
David Sirlin hates it because throwing is worthless at Wong-tier gameplay, but that doesn't mean much since David is a faggot and you'll never be as good as Justin Wong.
Versions
Due to the Japanese publishers being idiots, there are numerous entries in this series (each costing shit-tons of money).
- Calamity Trigger: The first shitty one. The art is really bad.
- Continuum Shit: Available in three flavors, which are mostly indistinguishable from one another except to the fanboys
Continuum Shift The Original Release, started out with only 15 playable characters, but would give you three more if you paid extra money
Continuum Shift II the same game, only for 3DS and PSP instead of 360 and PS3, had a different intro movie, gave you the extra characters for free, included a couple of extra stories, had shitty graphics, and added an extra mode nobody cares about
BlazBlue C-SEX adds stories for the DLC characters, ANOTHER playable character, YET ANOTHER new intro movie, ANOTHER new mode, balance changes, a remake of Calamity Trigger, and will also do your laundry for you.
- Chrono Phatasma: The "Last" entry in the trilogy. Also has an extend version.
- Central Fiction: No seriously, the last one guys. We promise.
Characters
Ragna The Bloodedge
The primary source of GAR and girl fap in the game, this manly, mysterious protagonist is on some important quest to do something no one really knows anything about. In order to play this character successfully one must constantly spam the D button until their opponent dies; unless of course one is playing against Jin, in which case they are boned. He manages to beat the living shit out of Terumi, but decides not to kill him, opting instead to head on down to the Cauldron to give Mu-12's fine ass a squeeze. He fails, and instead breaks her face and his arm. Every girl in the games wants to befriend Ragna, but only one will win the "Ragna-Bowl".
Jin Kisaragi
OMG SPOILERS: HE IS RAGNA'S BROTHER (Moar liek Jizz Kissurassi amirite?) The secondary source of fangirl insanity and a total fag btw, this high up NOL officer is totally cool and is not a jerk to everybody. He is also arguably the best character in the game to play because all of the protip-giving MLGs play as him in tournaments. He rides the ICENING!!!1!. He wants to fuck his brother anally. He explodes with rage just by hearing Noel breathe, as she reminds him of his sister, who was the root of his pussy allergy. He is secretly Hakumen from the past...or future...maybe both.
Noel Vermillion
The thankfully female version of Bridget from Guilty Gear, she loves whining about getting raped by superior-tier characters and being the "handiest" girl around. To play this character a person must be skilled enough to press the D button and then mash the living cum out of A, B and C in order to string attacks properly. Other than that, no one really cares about her except her good friends. Constantly tries to get Ragna to fuck her, even though Ragna doesn't give a shit about her. She is a clone of Saya. She is known for falling into orgasmic ecstasy whenever Litchi lets her touch her panda thing. Hazama trolls her into becoming his god-killing wife in CS, but she gets the shit beat out of her by Hakumen, Jin and Ragna. She is redesigned in every other game.
Rachel Alucard
The vampire loli twilight-loving fap magnet that every Japanese game requires. She and her sex slave animal friends run about the land yiffing and drinking tea while attempting to be an important character in the main plotline. To win with this character simply pull down your pants and enjoy watching her get raped by her opponent. After you lose tell the person over xbox live that you just came during the fight, and listen to the lulz, use a female voice for maximum win. She gets weaker in every game that comes out.
Iron Tager
No one really cares about this guy except that he needed to have his body repaired by Kokonoe after some NOL soldiers bombed Ikaruga. He also appears to understand THE POWER OF MAGNETISM. The most popular character online since he can rape almost everyone with his GIGANTIC TAGER. Except Hazama. Use Tager to cause all other players to rage quit.
Arakune
A completely insane badass killing machine was once a horny scientist but is now an incorpeal mass of quasi-dimensional ether mass, which basically means he is pretty screwed. He is also the luckiest man alive having the super-fox girlfriend Litchi allow him to do whatever he wants to her. Arakune (and nearly every other character in this stupid game) has massive mental instability problems, and cannot correctly finish a sentence if his life depended on it. To play this character well one must master a complex series of counters, combos and specials in order to even hit the enemy once. This being said it is clear he sucks.
Bang Shishigami
The ninja master of Ronin-Gai, this Naruto wannabe tries his best to seduce Litchi, but she is already Arakune's hoe and he does not share his pussy. This forces Bang to constantly log on to 4chan and fap to sasukexnaruto yaoi. To be good with this character one must select another character, don't worry, Bang knows he is terrible and does not really care. However, his install move allows him to go super saiyan and rape the shit out of any other character while the fag who sings the Dragon Ball Z openning sings in moonspeak. The downside is you can't block until the round is over.
His Astral Finish consists in piercing the enemy with his gigantic nail, and stand naked, looking at the screen while giving nary a fuck when he is done. Surprisingly he is the only male character who is NOT gay.
Litchi Faye Ling
A generic walking pair of tits that also teaches Taokaka to not do the molesting that causes so many fanboys to forcefap. She is from a far away country who came all the way to city 13 (Half Life 2 lol) to find her pimp Arakune. In order to win with this character one needs to follow this pattern: A Jump A Jump A Jump in repetition. If the other player does not get distracted by her rack then they will feel completely inadequate with their own, inferior chest.
Apparently the great and respected Matsu-Sensei from Deviantart seem to have an interest to this character due to the awesome-sized titties she possess. (Bullet's are bigger)
Taokaka
The furfag character that everyone from deviant art would like to play as. Known for carrying random objects around to use as weapons (bowling balls, hammers, Kaka kittens, etc), this mentally slow half cat half human enjoys playing with Litchi's luscious melons, tuna and butchering the English language. For those wanting to communicate with her, they would have to take into account her terrible use of words. This is made much easier though if one speaks in lolcats.
Normal: I'm cumming on this photo of Ragna
Taokaka: Myi'm cumming un dis photo uf Rawrgna
As one can see there are very distinct differences in speech. To play Taokaka effectively one must spam D in the direction of the enemy. Her English voice actor changes every game.
Carl Clover
The shoti model boy and his sex robot Nirvana from ze good old land of ze clocks which is ruled by the great old King of /B/tards , Australia, travel around playing vigilante looking around for people to fight. Don't play this fail shota Character, he sucks. His father was confirmed as a playable character in the EXTEND version of Continuum Shift, so nobody will use Carl anymore and move to play as the obviously superior Relius. Considered the worst, most useless playable character.
Hakumen
He is the white void. He is the cold steel. He is the just sword. With blade in hand he will reap the sins of this world and cleanse it in the fires of destruction. He is Hakumen, the super cool jerkface of the game that will not invite you to his birthday party. Anybody can rape with this character as long as they spam the B button in and attempt to be completely fair. Other than being an ancient hero who has been alive for thousands of years, no one really cares about him. He is the future version of Jin Kisaragi, or something. He's good at not being a faggot like the rest of the cast.
Nu-13
The two faced whore of the game. She has little other plot significance other than to meet Ragna for the final fight and beat him off so the universe can restart or something. Like any other fighter in the game one simply needs to rape the A button with their thumb in order to win. You also get extra lulz for being a cheap faggot. The final boss of the game. Very nice ass BTW. She is a clone of Noel (who is a clone of Saya), in case you could not tell.
Tsubaki Yayoi
She is a very good friend of Noel and gets the hots for Jin, and is Hazama's assistant or something, nobody gives a shit about her, just like with Noel. As a result of inbreeding herself, she enjoys incest and will screw any family member if told to. Hazama mind raped her to kill Noel and Jin, but she turned out to be useless. Also her weapon has the little setback of making the wielder go blind overtime, so she does the most logical thing and abuses the weapon as much as she can. Decides to become evil at the end of the second game because she thinks she's Batman and because Jin refuses to take her cherry.
Hazama/Yuki Terumi
The Real Real Bad Guy of the series, who was one of the six heroes but then quit and decided to become the biggest troll in the whole planet, and succeeded. Among the things he has accomplished, he has:
-Created the Time Loop.
-Mind raped a little boy and cut off his big brother's arm, then burned the church where they lived in. That's pretty huh...wow if you ask me.
-Killed Nine and her sister Celica (both considered the most powerful witches in history) just so he could make "Nine" lives jokes at Jubei's expense.
-Actually pisses off the vampires.
-He was cast into the Boundary by Jubei and Hakumen, and returned thanks to Relius making him an artificial body a la Full Metal Alchemist.
-Reminds everybody how much he screwed their lives every single cut-scene, even if he didn't meet them before, because everything bad anything happens to anyone in this game is ultimately his fault. His ability to utterly verbally annihilate everyone in the cast make him the best character of the game.
-Dismembers Ada and then kills Carl in Carl's CS bad ending.
-Took down the supercomputer with 3 brains that monitors every millionth of a second in the world and created the Calamity Trigger effect, thus making time stop looping and making death permanent.
-Failed experiment almost destroyed the world.
-Successful experiment aims to destroy the world anyway.
-His plan depended on the individual actions of over 15 different people. His plan works with a 99% of accuracy.
-Since he is a living paradox, he needs people to acknowledge him in order to exist, so to achieve that, he trolls averyone and everything he can find. He also made life links with characters that Ragna cares about, so in the case that he (somehow) were to kill him, that person would die as well.
-It doesn't matter if you perfected him and sealed the deal with an Astral Finish, after the fight your character will be tired as shit, and he will just brush it off and say it was "nice for a warm up".
-Perhaps his most outstanding character trait is his humongous mental penis. Nobody is safe from him raping their minds until breaking them, the only person who somehow managed to resist was Makoto, until Relius came in and turned it into a mental threeway.
-When in unlimitted form, he gains an Aura that covers two thirds of the screen that will drain your life and fill his heat gauge. He will counter ANYTHING you throw at him with a free Infernal Rapture.
-The only time when something went wrong for him was when Relius put catnip in his bath lotion and got raped by almost every cat in Kagutsuchi. This was a Gag Reel, so it didn't actually happen.
-Loves to make extremely weird faces just to make the player freak the fuck out.
He also looks like Gin Ichimaru from Bleach and Dr. Jackal from Get Backers's love child with green hair. Remind that to any fan of Bleach and Get Backers any chance you get.
Moo-12
Noel's robo personality. She is a psycho bitch who wants to kill everything for no adequate reason. She entered this form when Hazama made her cry after making fun of her tits. She shoots lasers, but her real super power is dressing in nothing but a cape and a crotch plate. Her instant-kill consists of her grabbing a gold dildo and hitting her opponent with it.
Makoto Nanaya
The first of the DLC characters. She is a furry squirrel girl who is also a very good friend of Noel and Tsubaki. She is the main source of underboob and loves shota. To play as her, one must mash C constantly or know how to use Dudley.
Valkenhayn R. Hellsing
The second DLC character. He is Rachel's butler, who is a werewolf for no reason in particular other than keeping the tradition of werewolves being the vampires' loyal servants. He goes batshit insane when someone makes fun of Rachel. He turns into a Darkstalkers character.
Platinum the Trinity
The third DLC character. She is a super loli, and Rachel's fap-magnet replacement. She can transform into an all powerful loli hero, a bitchy 7 year old, or a gay 13 year-old boy. She crushes you with a cat's head and traps you in bubbles. Don't try to reenact any Inuboshi doujins with her, because she will beat the shit out of you.
Jubei
A cat furry who is the most powerful being alive. He chose to do nothing while the world was ending and would rather catch some pussy. He likes to troll Taokaka by killing her opponent before she can. His daughter Kokonoe (the result of bestiality) hates him for no apparent reason. He sent off his younger brother to get killed by Hazama and Relius so he could have dibs on Nine's hot ass.
Nine/Phantom/Kokone A.Mercury/that slut who uses magic
Nine is a hot ass witch who died before she could do anything important. She had sex with Jubei and then gave birth to a bitchy furry. Hazama killed her for the lulz and brought her back to life for the lulz. She never got a speaking part. She created the Nox Nyctores by doing the exact same thing Terumi did to create the black beast, she smelted a bunch of human souls and then put them inside a conveniently odd-looking weapon.
Kokonoe
A bitchy furry who can't go one scene without a curse word. She is the bastard child of Nine and Jubei, even though she doesn't give a shit about them. She kidnapped Hakumen, who just ran away again anyway. She saved Tager, and abuses him, mentally and sexually. She mindraped Nu's twin Lambda and made her a sex slave as well. She likes lollipops. Taokaka points out she is just as flat as Noel, mammary-wise.
Lambda-11
Nu's mentally stable replacement. When Nu died, she decided to live in her sister's brain. She is also less cheap. Due to that, she died again, and then Nu decided to get her cheap body back with hax. No one seemed to care about Lambda, and payed more attention to Nu.
Linhua
She is the actual main character of the story and has more power than anyone else, the creators just don't want you to know. They barely show her or even reveal any aspect of her story, but that is just a trick to hide her power! Her only revealed power is to punch Tager, and make her fists bleed, thus proving how powerful she is!
Saya/Imperator Librarius
She is the head of the NOL, Ragna and Jin's sister, and Noel's original version. The only power that is shown of her's is the power to make plot-twists with her presence. Her hair is purple and eyes are red for no reason. She is the only person who can boss Hazama and Relius around.
Relius Clover
Carl and Ada(now Nirvana)'s father. He turned his daughter into a puppet and then gave it to Carl for no apparent reason. Then he took his wife, Ignis, and turned her into a puppet as well with the help of Kokonoe. He also created an antificial body for Terumi to live in, and killed Jubei's younger brother. His Astral Heat lets him restrain the opponent, torture them and then rape them behind closed gates.
Celica A. Mercury
Celica A. Mercury is the younger sister of Nine, and aunt of Kokonoe. She is the one who finds Bloodedge(an amnesic Ragna without the Grimoire) and is the one who built the church where Ragna, Jin and Saya lived in. Terumi killed her and burned the church right after cutting Ragna's arm off.
Bullet
BlazBlue's newest wet dream incarnate, set to debut in Chrono Phantasma. She apparently fights with pyro-kinetic gauntlets or some shit. Notable for her delicious caramel skin, colossal tits, and the denim thong she walks around in. Not since Makoto has a BlazBlue character fulfilled so many fetishes.
Azrael
The second new character introduced in CP. He's a beefcake dude that lives to find new people to rape.
Amane Nishiki
The third new character in CP. Most notable for taking Carl's place as the biggest faggot in the series (because, while Carl was pretty shitty, Amane is a literal 100% authentic homosexual).
Gallery
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Yeah cause this is what brothers do. -
An anime character wielding a massive phallic symbol that isn't a sword. Now I've seen everything. -
Jin recreating the face your uncle had on "that day". -
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The original design for Carl Clover. Edited because a little boy appeals more to the Japs that buy this shitty game. -
The upcoming movie. -
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Exploitable template that you too can utilize to make awesome Ice Car jokes. -
Another hilarious flowchart. -
Jin's cool ride. -
A simplified one-button arcade stick for Jin. Take a wild fucking guess what the button is for. -
A starting guide that all Jin players should examine thoroughly. -
Save the planet, drive blue.
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BlazBlue is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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BlazBlue is part of a series on Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage. |