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Xbox Live
Xbox Live (also known as XCocks Live) is a program on the Internets that was created by Microsoft so that Xbox and Xbox 360 fanboys can have some form of communication in their lives. Although, in actuality, like most similar programs and sites, this is detrimental to their IRL existance, because they're too busy OTI.
Xbox Live Features
Like many other tubes in the never-ending network of tubes that is the internets, Xbox Live is filled with underage fanboys, who (like other fanboys) are typically 13 years old, fat, basement dwelling virgins. With that said, when you slide in Halo 2 and pop on your handy dandy ear piece and microphone, 99.98% of the other players will sound like girls that were sucking helium as practice for fellatio.
Basically all there is to do on Xbox Live is play games with obsessive, annoying, pre-pubescent fanboys. They will drive you batshit insane and make you want to throw your Xbox out the window (though good luck getting the behemoth to fit through a window, or, indeed, any other remotely confined space). Furthermore, it isn't uncommon after playing to yearn for a day when life and death will be decided over a game of Atari Boxing and fanboys won't know what hit them because their prepubescent nails-on-chalkboard voices will be yelling, "Where's the rest of the buttons and joy sticks on the controller?"
About the only fun thing to do on Xbox Live is talk a lot of shit during games. Often times people will feel the need to talk shit on someone's mom, black person, etc. Unfortunately, this loses its fun after about five minutes because it's way too easy to pwn the geeks that frequent the rooms. It's also very lulzy if you say shit about their favourite games, which will without a doubt be something like Call of duty 4 / 5, Halo, Gears of War, Call of duty 4, Gears of war 2, and Moar call of duty 4.
But hey, it's only because their parents are sadistic and want to buy the cheap console to make them stfu. SO HOW'S THAT PSN WORKIN' FOR YA?
One supercool feature of xBoks Live is choosing your 'zone'. Any normal person would choose Family or Recreation. However, if you're totally 1337 you pick Pro or (lol) Underground. Much lulz can be garnered from pwning these supergamers, as they are generally morons who can't even complete Call of Duty 4 on Veteran. It's true, I looked in their profile!!11!1
Gamerscore is the post count of the xBox Live world. The bigger your gamerscore, the better the gamer. A large e-penis is also granted. If your gamerscore is the highest you are the best gamer EVAR!! Microsoft caused severe butthurts to cheating gamerscore whores everywhere by h4x0ring their accounts and removing their gamerscore, and branding them as sad fucks cheaters for all to see. These dudes had been using alien technology to fool even the mighty M$ systems. However, nobody else cared.
Wait, so I gotta pay extra for this shit?
Yes, you have to shell out the cash or, for most players their parents' cash, to "enjoy" this service. You're probably wondering OMG WTF, since your wallet was already raped when purchasing your system, but hey Microsoft needs cash. OMG FWD $$$ TO BILL GATES'S PayPal HE NEED NEW PVT ISLAND!11.
Trolling Xblfags
Like all species of 13-year-old boy, Xbox Live players are the biggest lolcows when handled properly. Below are some easy ways to get the most out of that wonderful little headset you are wearing:
- Play an extremely hardcore porno over the microphone, particularly one with a lot of screaming, slapping, and slurping/sloshing noises. Bonus points if you have hardcore gay porn or loud CP.
- Get your whole butt-buddys list to File Complaint on a black person you don't like because Microsoft bans people based on number of complaints filed.
- Kill people on your team. People will often boot you without saying anything, but some will BAWWWWWW at you for fucking up their kill/death ratio. For moar lulz, and since this usually gets you booted pretty quickly anyway, kill a teammate who's on a really good killing streak.
- Put your mic in your mouth and exhale. Extra points if you then complain about someone being obnoxious on the mic.
- Scream as loud as possible into the mic for as long as possible
- If some black person (or some wigger) is acting "gangsta" on there, go on a rant and start off by saying, "Yeah you're really gangster by affording a $500 console and a $60 game and have the brain capacity to fuck with your router." They will shit brix.
- Try to get players to teamkill you, and boot them when you have the chance. It's usually very easy in games such as Halo, since players are oblivious and aggressive most of the time. Also joining other people's forges and deleting everything is fun, they deserve it if they're too stupid to take one of the many precautions available to avoid it.
- Sending messages to The Solid J about utter nonsense. This is especially rewarding if you mention that you hate people from Tennessee.
- Go on a rant about how dune coons are ruining the world and America is going to nuke them off the face of the Earth. Especially effective in Call of Duty 4.
- Although probably very futile, give as much bad reputation to as many players as possible and perhaps let them know about it. You can do it by selecting their gamercard, and choosing "Submit Player Review". Some players strive to have a perfectly positive reputation status, although most people won't give a fuck.
- Ask people to help you get achievements and tell them you'll help them get any they might need in return. If they agree, and if they help get yours first, turn your 360 off after you get your achievement.
- Kill people while they are AFKontroller.
- Spam a shitload of game or chat invites to someone until they join you, then leave the room afterwards.
- If you're lucky, your Xbox Live microphone will pretty much fucking break after a few weeks of use, causing everyone you're playing with to hear static when it's plugged in.
- Act like you owned the shit out of everyone in the post-game lobby when you really didn't.
- Kill and steal whenever possible.
- Do stupid shit in ranked team games, especially making your team lose.
- Use the term internet when referring to an Xbox Live argument. This will cause people to respond with OMFG YOU IDIOT THIS IS XBOCKS LIVE NOT THE INTERNETS IT'S COMPLETELY FUCKING DIFFERENT, completely oblivious to the fact that Xbox Live requires an internet connection.
- Start shit with a random player and message him relentlessly. This is more rewarding if he responds, at which point you reply with another message about how you deleted his previous message before reading it.
- Wrap bubble wrap around your microphone and squeeze that shit.
- Join random games and leave your mic off until you hear a girl. Send her a friends request and endlessly flirt with her. Then realize you are a fag because there are no girls on the internet. (Also, if you are a Christian, hang yourself because God hates you because you're gay.)
- Find a particularly young and obnoxious player talking shit. Talk shit back about Christianity, mock the Bible, and insist that Jesus is the same as Santa Claus (they both know if you're naughty or nice!). They will flip the fuck out.
- Make a true statement that involves your mom. This will cause any player (all of whom are unfunny faggots that think mom jokes are the epitome of wit) to immediately respond with a paradoxical statement. For example:
"Okay guys, I'm back, I was on the phone with my mom."
"Your mom was on the phone with your mom!" *Head explodes* - Beware of 8 year old Korean Kids. Fact: They have no soul and live for teh internetz. They will counter every troll attempt and buttsecks your corpse.
- If you find one guy to be particularly lulzy, send him a friend request to make future trolling even easier.
- Verbally stroke your e-penis in the pregame lobby, then don't do shit in the actual game. Bitch about how shitty your team mates were afterwords, signing off with a nice "Suck mah cock!"
The desired result of your hard work:
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Ima Hack Your Account
"Ima hack your acccount!" is a common term used by most players on Xbox Live when they are successfully trolled. The people that say this think that the troll will be afraid and puss out. Most people that say this are either children or niggers. Here The end of the video is an example of this.
XBOX MORON SAGA
So this emo dude from the Fishtown suburb of Philadelphia, Jesse "McFearsome" McPherson, who works for Comcast as a computer engineer and enjoys playing Guitar Hero, went to SXSW in March, 2008. When he returned, some turdmongler(s) had broken into his flat on St. Patrick's Day via a window and boosted his XBOX, flat screen telly, and a fucked-up Macintosh P-P-P-Powerbook.
Read more about this crap here!
Original Xbox
After many years of delicious trolling on Halo 2, Microsoft is finally canceling all Xbox Live service for the original, HUEG, Xbox. RIP
Price Raises
As of November 1, 2010, Microshit will be lowering the quality of Xbox Live 5% to make for a better experience at the request of their community.
Videos
Croyt demonstrates how Xbox Live is serious business.
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Soulja Boy wants to be pwned on Xbox Live
Gamertag: Souljaboytellem
Note that this video was shot when Soulja Boy was robbing some place and decided to make a video on the stuff that was "HIS" or my bad going to be his after he took all the price tags off and got it back to his apartment where he would be getting raped by his boyfriend. Another fact was that Soulja Boy is not his real name and is a nickname given to him when he was a prison bitch.
UPDATE: Soulja Boy is the exact definition of a wannabe. He is no hardcore gamer, singer, raper, or nigger. His normal K/D on MW2, halo, and Rainbow Six is so low that if you go to the bottom 1000 of the leaderboards his name will appear on EVERY single one of them. BE WARNED however, that if you have the misfortune of facing him your skill will go down because of how easy he is to pop a cap in.
Micspamming: A How-to
Live Rage Gallery
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Ecksbawks Lievz Hate Mail, WITH SOUND!!!!!
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How to ruin Xbox Live for everyone else
See also
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Xbox Live is part of a series on Microsoft [Welcome] |
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Xbox Live is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |