Japanese Bug Fights
Japanese Bug Fights are, in essence, the same as pokemon, or the pinnacle of Japanese culture and one of the most awesome things you can find on the internets (right behind pornography and Encyclopedia Dramatica). The phrase "Japanese Bug Fights" refers to a 30-part video series featuring various kinds of insects, arachnids, and other terrifying creatures battling to the death in a little plastic arena. Naturally, something this fucked up could only come from Japan. It is the closest thing to IRL Pokémon battles anyone will ever see.
The Videos
The videos have gained quite a bit of notoriety and infamy on the webs, and are very popular among both 13 year old boys and sick fucks who like watching things kill each other (the internet's two key demographics). The videos are all hosted on japanesebugfights.com, but most of the videos, as well as others, can be found on gladiatorbugs.com or YouTube.
Japanesebugfights.com seems to be the original source of the videos. The videos have all sorts of elaborate graphics, sound effects, and epic music played in the background, making the videos all the lulzier. Additionally, one thing that is simultaneously great yet irritating about the videos is that trademark Japanese commentary. While Japanese commentary can make pretty much any event hilarious, it's impossible to tell what's being said, since nobody has ever bothered to translate the moonspeak. This becomes a problem at the end of some of the videos, since there isn't always a clear winner and both bugs are sometimes left alive. It is assumed that the Japs then go to the scorecard to declare the winner. And perhaps the lulziest part of all is that the site displays ads for pest control during the whole thing. In addition to the 30-part video series, the site also has a section for user-submitted content. However, there are only 4 user-submitted videos, one of which was baleeted from YouTube. Finally, there's a rules section, showing that this forced battling of mindless creatures is, in fact, very organized and professional.
RULES OF JAPANESE BUG FIGHTS
- You do not talk about Japanese Bug Fights.
- You DO NOT talk about Japanese Bug Fights.
- If a bug says "stop," goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over.
- Only two bugs to a fight.
- One fight at a time.
- No shirts, no shoes.
- Fights will go on as long as they have to.
If this is your first night at Japanese Bug Fights, you HAVE to fight.
Oh sorry, those are the rules to Fight Club. Though it shares a couple rules with Fight Club, Japanese Bug Fight rules are actually closer to Thunderdome's "two men enter, one man leaves":
- Two bugs to a fight
- Bug fights go on as long as they have to
- No outside weapons in bug fights
The use of pokéballs or other trainer intervention is not only prohibited but impossible, as the participants are isolated in a plastic cube.
American Corruption
On the Americanized site Gladiatorbugs.com, most of these videos are hosted along with a bunch of others from around the web. Coupled with the videos are descriptions and information on some of the noble insect warriors. This site also allows comments, so you get some interesting discussion, as well.
YouTube
Finally, as with mostly anything else in the world, you can find tons of these videos on YouTube. And, of course, the best thing about watching the videos on YouTube is reading the comments. Along with the standard "ZOMG AWESOME 5 STARS!!1" responses and the inevitable whining about animal rights, there's also a fair amount of professional analysis of the fights and people arguing over their favorite competitors. For example:
—YouTube commenter AntieTurk defending his competitor of choice |
—Commenter viperpack shares his two cents |
Round The 1th: FIGHT!
The first video in the series - Camel Spider vs. Giant Cricket (Orthopteran) |
—The possibilities are endless |
The final video in the series - Stag Beetle vs. Scorpion |
—suncoast233 gives a very detailed fight analysis |
- The 1th - Giant Cricket (Orthopteran) vs. Camel Spider (and yes, they actually spell it with a "th")
- The 2th - Scorpion vs. Hornet (not available on JBF.com)
- The 3th - Stag Beetle vs. Scorpion
- The 4th - Tropical Centipede vs. Hornet
- The 5th - Stag Beetle vs. Atlas Beetle
- The 6th - Camel Spider vs. Praying Mantis
- The 7th - Scorpion vs. Tarantula
- The 8th - Stag Beetle vs. Crayfish
- The 9th - Cave Centipede vs. Cricket (Orthopteran)
- The 10th - Hornet vs. Praying Mantis
- The 11th - Scorpion vs. Crayfish
- The 12th - Tropical Centipede vs. Hornet - (Rematch)
- The 13th - Tarantula vs. Rhinoceros Beetle
- The 14th - African Cave Spider vs. Praying Mantis
- The 15th - Hornet vs. Scorpion - (Rematch)
- The 16th - Scorpion vs. Tropical Centipede
- The 17th - Scorpion vs. Tarantula
- The 18th - Cricket (Orthopteran) vs. Praying Mantis
- The 19th - Camel Spider vs. Praying Mantis No.2
- The 20th - Atlas Beetle vs. Crayfish
- The 21th - Scorpion vs. Tropical Centipede - Rematch
- The 22th - Scorpion vs. Scorpion
- The 23th - Stag Beetle vs. Tropical Centipede
- The 24th - Tropical Centipede vs. Scorpion - Again
- The 25th - Atlas Beetle vs. Scorpion
- The 26th - Tarantula vs. African Cave Spider
- The 27th - Hornet vs. Grasshopper
- The 28th - Vinegaroon vs. Fail Beetle
- The 29th - Tropical Centipede vs. Scorpion
- The 30th - Stag Beetle vs. Scorpion
Competitors
Japanese Bug Fighting features a wide variety of horrifying creatures that could most likely kick your ass in a fight. The bugs that compete are the kind of stuff of which nightmares are made. Below are all of the warriors, along with descriptions and rankings.
Beetles
(Champion)
- Record: 7 wins, 2 losses, 1 mirror match .777 winning percentage
- Offense: 6
- Defense: 10
- Speed: 4
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Megahorn
- Fighting Style: Utilizes strength to push opponents around, relies on hard shell for defense
The beetles are sort of the tank class of the bugs, relying on their superior defenses to best their enemies. There are actually four different kinds of beetles that compete, two of which are pretty kickass. There's the atlas beetle, which has two pincers, and there's the slightly larger stag beetle, which has three. One would think that MOAR would be better, but as the 5th video in the series proves it isn't the size that matters, it's the technique (A theory which does not carry over to penis size, by the way; enjoy your small cock). Then there's the rhinoceros beetle. The rhinoceros was smaller, and pretty crappy in general. In his only battle he recorded the beetles' first loss to the tarantula, in the 13th round. He was subsequently cut from the team, but this was really just a formality, as the tarantula had already made a bug juice smoothie out of him. Also, a plain old beetle was pretty much fed to a Vinegaroon as a sorry excuse for Round 28.
Scorpions
(Finalist)
- Record: 6 wins, 6 losses, 1 mirror match .500 winning percentage
- Offense: 10
- Defense: 5
- Speed: 5
- Poison: Yes
- Special Move: The Stinger®
- Fighting Style: Stays away from opponent, then uses deadly stinger when confronted
If bug fighting were a vidya game, the scorpions would be the mage class. They don't have great defenses, but they can land a one-hit-kill at any moment. There are also a few different kinds of scorpions that compete, but they all look pretty similar, so nobody actually cares what the different species are. The scorpions usually tend to run away from their enemies, striking only when in danger. However, since they're confined to a 1 ft. plastic box, it's not likely that they're going to get away.
Jerusalem Cricket
- Record: 2 wins, 0 losses, 1 draw 1.000 or .666 winning percentage
- Offense: 6
- Defense: 7
- Speed: 6
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Jewjitsu Kick
- Fighting Style: Remains aggressive and uses powerful mouth/cutters, relies on solid defenses to withstand attacks
Unlike those weak-ass pussy crickets you can find in your backyard, these giant cricket-like things (Jew Cricket, Potato Bug, Orthopteran... whateverthefuck they're called) are surprisingly effective fighters. They have boltcutter-like mouths, and due to their medium size, are able to effectively attack most opponents. Most of the time it ends up being what in the MMA world is a match where the wrestler lies on his opponent. Unfortunately for the latter, instead of fighting, they'd rather gnaw at their opponent alive.
Camel Spider
- Record: 2 wins, 1 loss .666 winning percentage
- Offense: 6
- Defense: 5
- Speed: 8
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Jihad
- Fighting Style: Utilizes superior speed and size to best opponents
Despite only having had two victories against praying mantises and losing horribly to a cricket, the fan favorite camel spider still carries quite a presence in the bug arena. They're not quite as large as the Iraqi ones that you're used to seeing on the internets, but they're still pretty fucking scary. While they are not actually venomous, they are nonetheless incredibly fast and strong; one of these fuckers bites you, and you'll know about it. This can put them at a disadvantage to the really nasty stingers.
Centipedes
- Record: 4 wins, 3 losses, 1 draw .625 or .571 winning percentage
- Offense: 6
- Defense: 4
- Speed: 7
- Poison: Yes
- Special Move: Slither Attack
- Fighting Style: Slithers around and uses speed to bypass opponent's attacks, utilizes venom for the kill
In addition to being formidable fighters, the centipedes that compete are quite fucking scary. The two different varieties consist of a tropical one with yellow legs and an equally terrifying cave one with legs like a fucking daddy long legs.
They can both be obtained by searching the closest vagina in the vicinity.
Japanese Hornet
- Record: 3 wins, 3 losses .500 winning percentage
- Offense: 8
- Defense: 4
- Speed: 8
- Poison: Yes
- Special Move: Twineedle
- Fighting Style: Takes advantage of flight capabilities to stay out of danger, highly aggressive
A pretty fierce competitor, the Hornet frequently pulls off upsets on much larger opponents. Very quick, very brave. Appears to not mind fighting. Not that it would really matter in the real world, since, you know, they can fly and everything.
African Cave Spider (Tailless Whip Scorpion)
- Record: 1 wins, 1 loss .50 winning percentage
- Offense: 7
- Defense: 5
- Speed: 4
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Vice Grip
- Fighting Style: Uses size and the powerful offensive capabilities of their large claws to its advantage
Remember that one episode of Fear Factor where they had to eat something and were in a casino, and Joe Rogan pulled the cover off that roulette table, and you were like, "OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?!" Those were African Cave Spiders. They have proved to be pretty effective fighters, but weren't featured in many fights for some reason.
Tarantula
- Record: 2 wins, 2 losses .500 winning percentage
- Offense: 7
- Defense: 6
- Speed: 4
- Poison: Yes
- Special Move: Glomp
- Fighting Style: Uses size to intimidate opponent and gain position, then bites when there's an opening. Also known to climb up, and drop down, Aerial attack style.
Exactly what you'd expect; a big-ass spider. However, Tarantulas happen to be particularly fragile critters, and something as simple as a broken arm can mean death. Tarantulas, like all arthropods, have an open circulatory system, and their "blood" doesn't clot, so once they get holed they'll either bleed out or the insect version of Don King will have the fight stopped because big spiders are fucking expensive. Kind of like the flame tank in Command and Conquer.
Vinegaroon
- Record 1 win, 0 losses Only featured in a really one-sided fight percentage
- Offense: 7
- Defense: 5
- Speed: 5
- Poison: Um, kinda. It emits a vinegar smelling compound when threatened.
- Special Move: Vinegar Blast
- Fighting Style: It fought the shittiest combatant in the whole tournament. It never really needed much of a strategy.
A rather strange creature that is NOT an African Cave spider. These things are called what they are because of the chemical they release when threatened. Basically a scorpion without a stinger; nevertheless, pretty fucking terrifying.
Crayfish
- Record: 0 wins, 3 losses fail percentage
- Offense: 5
- Defense: 5
- Speed: 3
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Claw Pinch, Bulk Up
- Fighting Style: Uses pincers to ward off enemies, tries not to die, fails
Nobody's really quite sure why the hell these things were chosen for battle. They usually put up a good fight, but in the end, lose every time. The organizers also put some water in the arena when the crayfish fight so they aren't at too much of a disadvantage. Again, nobody knows why these things are even there.
Praying Mantis
- Record: 0 wins, 5 losses mega fail percentage
- Offense: 6
- Defense: 4
- Speed: 8 (rendered absolutely useless in the small arena)
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Kung-fu Action Arms
- Fighting Style: Approaches opponents tentatively, pins down opponents
Despite what one might think, the mantids actually suck ass in Bug Fights. Although they're known for their supreme bug killin' prowess in the real world (they've been known to kill and eat small birds), the bug arena really isn't suited to them. Their fighting style is more along the lines of the assassin class, stealthily hiding where no one can easily see them and swiftly pouncing when their prey comes by in order to cause an instant kill, so head-to-head confrontations don't go so well. They lose all of their fights, much to the disappointment of viewers.
—YouTube user kkgurlxoxo, after watching a praying mantis get its shit ruined by a camel spider |
FACT: It's a stupid schoolyard myth that praying mantids are endangered or that it is illegal to kill them. Anyone who believes that shit past the age of 9 is retarded.
Grasshopper
- Record: 0 wins, 1 loss everyone hates you percentage
- Offense: 2
- Defense: 3
- Speed: 9
- Poison: No
- Special Move: Fail Attack
- Fighting Style: Hops around until it dies
It appears that the coordinators either got incredibly drunk when choosing combatants or simply ran out of ideas. Either way, the grasshopper only appears in one fight and gets owned by a hornet. Its primary means of defense seemed to be to hop away, but since it was trapped in a plexiglass crate with a creature that could fly, it didn't stand much of a chance. Granted, it was a pretty fucking big grasshopper, and you'd probably scream like a little girl if you saw it.
Controversy
Of course, many see this cherished Japanese pastime not as an entertaining event, but as a cruel, sick game of animal cruelty. But those people are all a bunch of furries and animal fuckers, so nobody really cares what they think. One reason this stuff still takes place is because the creatures in question are all terrifying insects, and not cuddly farm animals or dolphins. You see, the lack of fur dissuades most animal rights activists from throwing hissyfits and picketing outside the Japanese Bug Fighting headquarters. Still, there are some hardcore PETA members that disdain the time honored tradition of bug dueling, and they're not afraid to let their feelings be known to the whole internet.
—Have fun falling asleep tonight |
—The answer to your question would be "No." |
—Cry me a river, bitch. |
—Dogs ≠ Crickets (not that there's anything wrong with dogfighting, of course) |
—User schlicknick, saying what we're all thinking |
—A sick Asian |
See Also
- Animal abuse
- Japan
- EXTREME ANIMALS
- Spider
- Camel spider
- Centipedes
- Pokemon
- Mortal Kombat
- Michael Vick
- Awesome
- Win
External Links
- japanesebugfights.com
- Rules of Bug Fighting
- gladiatorbugs.com
Home video of two black widows, a roach, and a praying mantis fighting- Snake vs. Banana Slug
- 30 Hornets vs. 30,000 Bees
- Parody - /facepalm
- Full archive of bug fight videos for direct download.
| Featured article July 24, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Oniontown |
Japanese Bug Fights | Succeeded by NawlinWiki |
| Featured article April 22, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by Manhunt |
Japanese Bug Fights | Succeeded by LoganSperman2 |