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Missouri
Missouri (moar like "Misery", amirite?) is Illinois supremely moar fucked up neighbor. Citizens of this shithole love to insist that it's actually pronounced "Missourah" because they can't fucking read. According to Conservapedia, the governor of Missouri is Matt Blunt, which must be true given that Jay Nixon really isn't much of a Democratic governor since he's been cutting the state budget of all sorts of state agencies that provide social services.
History
Many centuries ago, Indians moved into a land west of the Mississippi River. Rather than be consumed by what can only be known as the Indian Rapture that made Indians from what is now East St. Louis disappear, they decided to stay and watch the white man ruin their lives.
The first group of white people to fuck shit up were The French. But then The Spanish moved in for a bit, but thought it was shit so they gave it back to the French. By that time, Napoleon Bonaparte was broke. So as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1802, Missouri was regrettably part of the deal. Thus when America bough the Louisiana Purchase they also inherited the Frenchies that lived there. However, rather than resolving the problem, it was more economical to give the Indians AIDS and make the French speak English or they would send them to Mexico for being dirty immagrants.
In 1811, Missouri became a land of LULZ as the strongest earthquake in North America east of the Rockies occured shaking things up and knocking things down. If that wasn't enough it happened again in 1812.
Then the Civil War came. Missouri, being a new state with slaves, wasn't in the mood to leave the Union. So as part of the Missouri Compromise, Missouri got to be a slave state and a Union State. Which was kind of awkward for St. Louisians who won and lost the war at the same time. One of the catalysis of the civil war was the Dred Scott Case, where some nigger named Dred Scott tried to play the game and lost.
When the War was over, Mark Twain wrote a few books that trolled some conservative parents whose great-grandchildren would be soccer moms who to this day he still trolls.
World War II came about, and Harry S. Truman, a former Klanie, got tired of Japan's bullshit and blew their asses up...TWICE.
But Missouri's usefulness quickly expired after that, and in 1947 a final solution was made to build the largest coat hanger to abort the state. However, by 1965, the governmenet ran out of money to build a dumpster to put the body and left St. Louis with an Arch in their downtown area.
As of 2010, Missouri has once again become a useless shitpile thanks to Governor's Matt Blunt and now Jay Nixon.
Demographics
It is fact that there are niggers in both Kansas City and St. Louis. So much so, as a final solution, in 1947, a plan was enacted by President Truman to abort the city of St. Louis by constructing a giant coat hanger. However, by the time the project was finished in 1965, there wasn't any money to construct a giant dumpster to dispose of the bodies. That and the Archbishop has wrote a letter to the Pope. So as an alternative, White people started moving to St. Charles.
Meanwhile, out in rural Missouri, Jed Clampet found oil and moved to Bevery...Hills that is.
With the Clampets in California, Fred Phelps moved in to create his own version of The Venus Project with the help of various Southern Baptists, to create a wholesome family environment in the Ozarks. In the process, it was decided that everyone take a shit in the Lake of the Ozarks so that the E-Coli levels could be off the chart, and no one could fucking do anything about it since God gave them this land to keep the niggers, gays, and liberals out. They called this place Branson.
Sometime in the 2000s, Mexicans moved into Missouri. Anyone who lives south of Farmington can't speak English. Then again, just about everyone in that area never spoke any English to begin with. The influx of people speaking Spanish has upset the people who can't speak English has caused them to ask the state to enforce Arizona style immigration laws, which will probably pass without anyone outside of Jefferson City or Columbia noticing given the local media is too busy reporting how some 14 year old girl made up a story about how a baboon was running around the neighborhood.
Energy
Where as Iowa and Kansas are quickly becoming pioneers in wind energy, Missouri attempted to spend $8 Billion on a new nuclear reactor in Rural Missouri by attempting to increase everyone's electric bill by 20%. This was shot down by the state legislature and by voters but still AmerenUE got a 8% rate increase to cover things like "environmental regulations". Several attempts have been made by Ameren to get the other 11% so that they can profit from destroying the environment.
Transportation
Because the people in Kansas City and St. Louis are unclean jungle people, their bus service has been discontinued. However, if you happen to live in Springfield or Cape Girardeau, all you have to do is call Jesus and either Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh will receive the work order to take you to work, so as long as you believe in Ronald Reagan.
Alternatively, white people have the uncanny ability to grown wings and fly to where they need to go, so as long as their children don't have Assburgers or listen to anything other than Hanna Montana.
Culture
If you thought Oklahoma was the most bland and boring state in the country, you are sorely mistaken. Probably only beaten by Idaho, Montana, and the Dakotas, there is absolutely nothing to do in Missouri besides love Jesus and follow everything Rush Limbaugh says to the T. It is a vacuous black hole that turns everyone into a disinterested redneck, black person, or any other lazy waste of space. Ironically, Missouri is nicknamed the Show-Me state, in part because the citizens are too stupid or high to believe anything anyone else says. However, even if you show proof of your claims, chances are they still won't believe you because "it's not good enough." The favorite past-times of Missourians include the aforementioned getting high, drinking Budweiser, blaming other races for your own ineptitude, and getting fat from eating McDonalds and White Castle 5 times a day. Obviously, the name itself was just someone calling this place "misery" with a funny accent.
There are really two Missouris:
- Urban Missouri where fried chicken is worshiped.
- Rural Missouri where Saint Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died for your sins.
In Urban Missouri, you can buy crack on a street corner. In Rural Missouri, children fulfill the hopes and dreams of their children, by selling Meth from a lemonade stand and making sure the police don't fine the bodies hidden beneath the double wide trailer. And you can buy crack on a street corner.
In Urban Missouri, you can get shot because you are white. In Rural Missouri, you can get shot because you are black, gay, a liberal, or slept with a woman other than your cousin.
Awful shit that has come from Missouri
- St. Louis Rams
- Kansas City Royals
- Budweiser
- Alex Linder
- Michael J. Devlin
- Megan Meier and Lori Drew
- Bill Mitchell
- Dwayne Holloway
- Gregg A. Miller
- Puppy Mills - Generally most of these places are run by sick fucks.
- John Ashcroft - One of Alex Linder's friends. Also lost the 2000 Missouri Senator Election to a dead guy. Dubya felt bad for him so he became his first Attorney General where he displayed proudly what a complete faggot by covering up all the statues in Washington, DC that had exposed boobs.
- Kit Bond --Retiring, thank God!
- Matt Blunt --Roy Blunt's son. Called "Missouri's Dubya"
- Roy Blunt --biggest receiver of lobbyist money especially from the oil industry. Replacing Kit Bond. Despite his notorious record of corruption, Missourah picked him to be Senator to fight Black Jesus. Yeah, we are retarded.
- Peter Kinder -- Lieutenant Governor of Missouri. Because he is a Republican under a Democratic governor, guess what he does all day? Pete is also butthurt because Jay Nixon called off his statewide bike race pet project so that mentally ill people wouldn't kill him and get help at the constantly underfunded Missouri Department of Mental Health. Pete also like to take credit for being against President Obama's new healthcare system.
- Rush Limbaugh
- Yakov Smirronoff is not from Missouri, Missouri is from him!
- Those sick fucks from Kansas City who raped and murdered all those kids
- Alyssa Bustamante
- James Stephens
- Glenn Miller - Former KKK Leader running for US Senate. He isn't bashful about it.
- Eminem
- Matt Bartle
- No more strip clubs in Missouri, beer being served at strip clubs, or strip clubs open after midnight. (Thanks, Matt Bartle! Good thing this is your last term!)
- Cynthia Davis
- Lake of the
OzarksE-Coli. - Rev. Terry Jones
- Casey Brezik
- Geckoguy456
- Brett Keane
Cool things to come out of Missouri
- Meth
- Lowtax
- Mark Twain
- Chuck Berry
- Meth in the drive thru, almost.
- Tegdif123
- Boulevard and Schlafly
See Also
- Kansas City
- St. Louis
- Branson - where the poor people go on vacation.
- Springfield - The capital of Rural Missouri
- Tegdif123
External Links
- Missouri Information Analysis Center - One of many fusion centers that has a file on you.
- Case.NET- Lists all criminal and civil court records in the state. Excellent source of docs
- Missouri Sex Offender Registry
