Necrophilia
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FACT ALERT: It's not necrophilia if they're still warm! |
Necrophilia is where a living person has a strong desire to crack open a cold one, it probably also qualifies as some variety of faggotry, though we're really not sure on this one.
Necrophiliacs or "necrosexuals" are by tolerant groups seen as victims of the breathing majority's patriarchy, and often referred to as "people with non-animated partners". It is completely natural. In fact, my child is a necrosexual and I'm so proud that he's finally out.
Necrophilia brings a completely new meaning to the phrase "It's always good to crack open a cold one." However, some others, known as "somnophilics" will make do with an unconscious bitch.
Necrophilia is slightly convenient, as it requires no money. (You can still get put in jail depending on how you do it.) Also real necroporn doesn't exist on the internet. Even an hour long circle jerk on /b/ was only able to produce a few poor shoops.
Note: "Dead bitches don't know they gonna get raped"
Necrophilia: A Beginner's Guide
[[I Am a Necrophiliac (And So Can You!)]]
I: Introduction
Very few text files have been written regarding the sexual tendencies and practices of necrophiliacs. While most people would prefer to believe that we do not exist-we most certainly do-as is obvious to anyone who visits a cemetery during our nightly rampages.
Necrophiliacs prefer to go about their business alone; sharing is not a part of this alternative lifestyle as the corpse usually wears out fairly quickly. This is not to say that the occasional orgy involving four or five necrophiliacs and about a dozen or so corpses does not occur, but it is very rare.
In this file I will describe common (and some uncommon) techniques, which necrophiliacs use to gain satisfaction from their stiff partners. Hopefully these vivid descriptions will encourage you to go out to your local cemetery and to join our ranks!
II: Finding a Partner
Finding a partner for your necrophiliac activities is definitely the hardest part. You not only have to gain access to the corpse but you also have to find one, which suits your tastes. Granted, some necrophiliacs would screw road kill if given the chance but most of us are more discriminating. Your chances depend upon where you pick up your date.
If you have access to a morgue it would definitely be your best bet as the corpses there are usually the freshest and have not yet been treated for burial. They may be a bit chilly because they've been lying in the meat locker for days but that really shouldn't make a big difference to the determined necrophiliac.
Cemeteries are a bit harder to deal with as finding a screwable corpse is harder to do. However, if you know how to interpret signs this shouldn't be a problem. If a grave consists of a mound of fresh dirt and is covered with flowers, chances are that the stiff hasn't been lying there for too long.
Rotting flowers on the mound usually hint to the state of the corpse as well. Some people are exclusively into 'porking the bone', i.e. sex with skeletons. In this case you can dig up almost any grave and hope that the inhabitant hasn't yet disintegrated into dust. Try to scope out a fairly secluded cemetery for your passions unless you like a sense of danger to go along with the sex.
Having anyone catch you in the act is NOT fun, and if you're picked up by a cop chances are that you won't be able to screw anything but Bubba behind bars for the next few decades. People are generally not understanding of the necrophiliac lifestyle, so it will probably be a long time before we can come out of the closet.
III: Preparation
Depending upon where you are at this point you'll have either a little or a lot of work to do. The person in the morgue will obviously have to do little more than to open the locker, pull the corpse out and bang away.
If you're one of the cemetery people you'll have more work to do. An experienced necrophiliac is always equipped with the bare essentials: a shovel, Vaseline and a box of rubbers.
Why the shovel is needed should be obvious, but if the ground is hard then you might need more equipment to dig up your date. Vaseline is used to loosen the corpse up a bit. This makes it less likely for a body part to break off while you're having fun and it also prevents your dick from becoming too irritated while screwing the dried out pussy.
The BOX of condoms is used to play it safe; no necrophiliac should be without it. You never know which STDs your partner had during his/her lifetime, and believe me; it doesn't get any better after the person dies. You can put on more than one rubber for extra protection if it is warranted, but screwing a corpse without protection is just plain stupid unless you want to be the next date for a necrophiliac.
If you're in a cemetery try to drag the corpse out of the grave and behind a bush or to another secluded place. Pumping away in the grave may seem more convenient, but it's a severe disadvantage to you if you need to take off in a hurry. Sometimes the corpse is too fragile to be moved; in that case make it fast. Or just break off the head, hand or lower torso and take it with you for added convenience.
Part IV: Techniques
So now you've got a stiff lying seductively in front of you, but you have no idea how to start. How you proceed from this point onward really depends upon what kind of person you are. The corpse will last longer if you treat it gently and with care, but if you prefer to go all out you'll probably receive greater satisfaction.
There are many differences between screwing a live and a dead person which one needs to be aware of. Firstly, a corpse will never tell you to "get off of it" if you're being a bit rough and it will never complain no matter what "kinky sexual practices" you may employ.
Screwing a corpse is also much more predictable because you can raise an arm, leg or whatever and it will still be in that position when you reach for it again. Take the arms and gently lock them in an embrace behind your back, or spread the legs to make sex a bit easier.
If you want a great blowjob then lubricate your partner's mouth, lock it to your preferred width, insert and go for it. Although there's no tongue stimulation it's still worthwhile, and it's also safer than conventional sex.
Corpses can also be recycled if treated properly. If you're a proficient embalmer you can keep a corpse for over five years if it has been properly embalmed. That's free sex whenever you want it! You naturally don't want to be too rough with an embalmed corpse because they are more fragile.
One final advantage of screwing corpses is that they are always in abundance. Based upon your sexual preferences you can designate a cemetery or a morgue as your territory and always find fresh partners to screw. Plus you don't have to resort to cheesy pickup lines or spend all your money in order to get a date.
Necrophilia is a passion, which is cheaply satisfied.
V: Conclusion
I hope that this text file will encourage you to go out and try necrophilia. Not many people do it, but that's precisely what makes it so much fun; it makes you feel special! If no living person would touch you with a 10- foot pole then try having sex with a corpse! Some of them are real beauties and it's an experience you'll never forget.
There is no greater experience for a virgin than having his/her virginity taken by a corpse.
Anyways, have fun and if you have any experiences you'd like to share then by all means do! Maybe necrophilia will enter the mainstream because of your efforts. Here is an educational film to help you get started.
Who are they?
It is mostly common within Christian circles (especially Catholicism), and is frowned upon, even illegal in most places of the world except Utah. But hey, in some parts of the United States, it's only a misdemeanor. Enjoy!
- Most necrophiliacs believe themselves to be the angel of death.
- All dead people are necrophiliacs.
- All necrophiliacs will never enjoy a good blowjob.
- Necrophiliacs can be found checking the obituaries in their local newspaper.
- All necrophiliacs fantasize about working as a mortician. However, that is the equivalent of a pedophile working with children's colonoscopy.
- If you are not currently a necrophiliac, you will become one. Encyclopedia Dramatica knows this because you are reading it.
Various types of Necrosexuals
- Necrofag/necrodyke: Possessors of a double perversion.
- Pyrophile: Enjoys watching partner burn to death. Christian pyrophiles wait until their wedding night, where they usually soak their partner in petrol and torch them, masturbating furiously until they climax before shooting themselves in the head.
- Neo-necro: See W.
- Abortophile: Becomes erect exclusively when watching female partner have a miscarriage. Only gets laid bi-annually. Popular among Something Awful's writers.
- Necrofurry: Fucks dead deer.
- Necropedophile: Faps to dead children.
A step-by-step guide
- Find a corpse (working in a mortuary helps). Alternatively, make your own corpse!
- Make sure it's naked (because undressing a dead body will make DNA).
- Make sure no-one's watching (unless your participating in a game of Team Necro).
- Pull down your pants.
- Insert your cock in the ass of the corpse. Or whatever hole you can find\make. At this point there's not much in the way of taboo left.
- Make a thrusting movement with your hips until you cum.
- Burn the body. That'd be hot.
- ???
- PROFIT!
Necrophilia Camwhores
RL example of corpse-fuckery
Last Thursday three upstanding youths, who were unable to get any pu55y through traditional means, embarked on a magical adventure to their local cemetery.
Their distinguished leader had previously been skimming the local obituaries (which are sort of like the classifieds section, but better) and noticed a suitable mate. Being a Nice Guy, he offered to share her with his twin brother and BFF.
The trio, being responsible practitioners of safe sex, made sure to stop and procure some condoms. They made progress digging up the sexy corpse, but being ignorant white trash they were unaware of the modern custom of enclosing coffins in a concrete vault (which works as a chastity belt for the dead people).
Giving up like a bunch of pussies upon seeing the concrete, the three headed back home, but on the way there got pwnt by cops. Their addresses can be found here.
Other Known Necrophiliacs
- Ayn Rand
- cheese1997
- LyinBrian
- Jesus
- wikipedia fags
- Dorian Thorn
- Optimus Prime
- Your Mom
- Prince Charles
- Uncle Sam
- GoddessMillenia
- VegetaWorshipper
- Anthony Merino
- Nathan Keefer
- Necrofurs
- Don Henrie
- Zeriara
- Fred Phelps
- Hilary Clinton
- Daniele Fiorenza
- You
- The Rice Krispie Guys
- Gothzilla
- Bella Swan
- Triciakitty
- Lady Gaga
- Caitlin Bree
See Also
- Ero Guro Gallery
- hot steamy necrophiliac pr0n for all you sick fucks out there!!!
- MORE DELICIOUS NECROPHILIAC PORNOGRAPHY!
- Helpful tips to start you on your new life as a necrophile
- Hot necro pr0n from a convicted necro-cannibal-murderer.
- Dead. Fucking. Serious.
- Raep
- P0rn0
- Guro
- Dissected-chan
- Spectrophilia When their bodies have rotted away, love remains ...
- Coroner shags stiff
- [1]Avenged Sevenfold is a Well known Supporter of Necrophilia.
Theme Song
♪ ♩ ♪ ♩ ♪ ♩ ♪ ♩ ♪ ♩
Fi'ten Menn on a dead Gyrle Cunte
- Yo, ho, ho! & a Bottel o' Rumm
Dead Gyrle do, whate'er you want
- Komm an down, it's Time to get Some
Ye'll want some ret gut Rumm
- To warsh her ut
And ye'll want to have some
- To deaden yer Snoot
Ne're you mind she were a poxy Hore
- Cause whate're she'd caught, she hain't got it no more!
Wenn þe Stenk get too badde, we'll throw her off Board,
- And we'll buy a fresh Gyrle wenn we get back to Port.
♪ ♩ ♪ ♩ ♪ ♩ ♪ ♩ ♪ ♩
Fact of the Day
In New Hampshire common-law marriage can still only be contracted posthumously. Brain dead patients are not accepted as spouses under New Hampshire's right-to-life legislation, whereas potential partners with an IQ under 50 are legally defined as non-sentient and are therefore fair game in the "Go to the mountain" state.
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Necrophilia is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |