Monica Punk

This article is paid for by taxpayers like you.
Thanks, America.

Monica Punk (Monica C. Olson) is a fat, lesbian autistic with no job who lives at her mom's house, claims to plays 20 different instruments despite not having the ability to play any (including the skin flute), and uploads 50 butthurt videos a day on YouTube. She also thinks she's in a gang, despite the fact that she literally calls the cops crying when people troll her on the internet.

She epitomizes the type of fat, carpet-munching welfare queen who is so stupid she makes Sarah Palin actually look sane. This is backed by the fact that she was actually retarded enough to get fired AND banned from Hot Topic. Monica's the type of freak that you'd love to smack in the face just to pass the time, but never would out of fear of losing your hand to the endless layers of her fatty folds. Even Xiao Rishu wouldn't be caught dead trying to help her baaawwing ass! In fact, she would probably smack her too.

The only upside to Monica's enormous presence is that you will never have to worry about contracting any type of STD from her for obvious reasons. Not just because of the fact that she plays for the same team, but because you would have to be batshit blind to end up even contemplating tapping her ass (and there's certainly a lot of ass blubber to go around). Monica has her own gravitational pull as a result of this weight problem, and it's also the reason for her pig-colored, rooster-styled haircut defying gravity on top her head, which by the way is something she put way more effort into than getting a job. KNOW YOUR PRIORITIES!!

Stick it to the Man

The pink-haired hog in its natural habitat.

Since being fired from Hot Topic, she has decided to become a waste of space paid for by tax slaves to sit on her fat ass, explaining how she got there in the first place, and why she can't be bothered to work. She also thinks that she's somehow better than everybody else because she's lazy.

It's enough for people to believe that the government would actually pay just to keep her out of as many businesses and establishments as possible. Without a job, she has no reason to leave her house, and thus stays in the house, instead of raping the eyes and ears of the outside world. Only unfortunate web surfers might end up stumbling across her YouTube videos, but it's an accidental they make sure to never make again. If only they could pay to keep her off the internet too.

Early retirement

Her latest lazy slob vocation kicked off with a video in which she repeatedly says "...I just...don't want a job," and complains about how she was dropped from Hot Topic because she was too much of a colossal hambitch to work there. She said a bunch of lulzy things as well, including a claim that she was all about "fun and games" despite the fact that she's the most boring individual you will ever encounter, and therefore the last person anyone would want to have fun or play games with. Unless of course the game is throwing poison-tipped darts at her face. Kinda hard to miss, amirite?

Notable gems from this video include:

	“	I'm actually too lazy to die	„
	—The beach whale's lament.

	“	I don't care about putting food on the table...personally I can go hungry and die...	„
	—But you just said you're too lazy to die...how the fuck..?

	“	.........urm.........	„
	—Monica's mental retardation causes her to continuously utter this sound.

And here it is, in all of it's glory:

The following video has been rated 'F' for 'Fat whiny bitch' by ED film censors. View with care.

Protips for this leeching slob

Of course, Monica never really understood in the first place that if you are on social security and you reveal to the entire world via social media that you are too lazy to even fucking think straight, somebody at Social Security will eventually take your moniez away due to the fact that you aren't fucking trying at all.

Further lulz occurred when upon seeing this video, social media justice warriors became involved, and told Monica via comments and PMs to get a job and be a useful contributor to society. They even went as far to inform her that she wasn't an actual artist because she was too lazy to even have a Deviantart account, when there are in fact bitches who are twice her size and munch twice as much carpet as her with more than one account on there. That's saying something!

Stop bullying me! Baaawwwww!

In full emo form, Monica produced a second video in which she responded to the social media warriors who had started flame wars in her YouTube comments, calling her out as a lazy bitch leeching off the government and society as a whole.

What was amusing was Monica's half-assed attempt at producing a video asking people not to bully her just after she posted a video claiming that the haters didn't bother her. This video was such a lazy production, she didn't even plan to move her lips, because she was expecting to get the court's answerphone system to do all the talking for her, which is also conveniently taking on her e-writ for her.

911? Send help! They're mocking me!

Unfortunately, like everything with Monica, she couldn't be bothered going through what was for her a difficult process involving pressing numbers on her telephone's keypad to select automated choices. When you have stubby, short sausage fingers, pressing a button usually turns into mashing multiple keys at once. So she hung up and decided to call a shorter and therefore easier number instead, which turned out to be the 911 emergency line. It only took her about 20 times to mash the proper 3 keys in the correct order.

The response from the 911 operator is highly amusing:

	“	...a musician, and artist y'know?	„
	—Monica, using artful euphemisms to describe herself as an overweight butch dyke.

How Monica's fat ass didn't end up in jail for wasting the cops' time is beyond anyone, especially since Monica skipped the more obvious problem solving steps of contacting the adminz of YouTube or just taking her hideous image off of the internet for good.

When all else fails, resort to ranting

For her next lulzy outing, Monica put in a little more effort. She smoked meth, which was left over by a visiting friend, expended just enough energy to pick up and drink a good twenty or so beers, and then posted a series of rants on her MsLoveLoveLove1231 account. All of these videos have a certain hobo-rantish charm to them, and also included the following gem:

	“	If you say shit about me...urgh...you are gonna owe me a bank	„
	—Monica Punk on methadone, again paid for by you.

If Monica didn't weigh as much as the SS Oasis of the Seas, and didn't look like she's been beaten upside the head with an ugly stick all her life, then maybe she might have had the potential to be actual viewing pleasure like Jessi Slaughter was. This bitch is just sad.