New Hampshire

New Hampshire, showing roads, rivers and major cities

New Hampshire came into existence a couple hundred years ago. Nothing new has happened since.

History of New Hampshire

Back in Colonial America, some douchefag governor from Massachusetts pissed off the King of England and started that state's longest standing tradition of being ungodly fucking annoying. As a punishment, the King cut out the central portion of the colony (before 1820, Maine was considered a part of Massachusetts, and afterward it still was) and gave it to a buttsecks buddy of his, thus forming the insignificant Vacancy of New Hampshire.

Since that time Massholes have moved up and slowly taken over everything. Libertarians are hoping to now do the same with their "Free State Project" which will inevitably result in an epic fail due to the lack of incestuous breeding minorities amongst their white supremacist ranks that made Massachusetts' invasion so successful. Also, it should be noted that the term "Free-State" is inherently an oxymoron. Fucking idiot carpetbaggers. Everyone knows that New Hampshire is just another county of Massachusetts and not actually a state.

Noteworthiness

As is stated in state, federal, and international law, nothing noteworthy may happen in, or come from, New Hampshire.

For example, please complete the following statement:

"New Hampshire is well known for its..."

(?)

The only acceptable answer is "successful use as a fake driver's license" since no one knows (or cares) about it. That's if they have ever even heard of it before and/or know it is not a part of America's Hat.

Or GG Allin (see below).

Examples

Examples of the state's lack of anything:

• Franklin Pierce was the only US president from NH. That's exactly why you have heard of him before.
• The Republic of Indian Stream was an independent country that existed for three minutes in the state's northwest corner after the Hissyfit of 1812. They almost started another war with England, but in keeping with tradition, was largely ignored to prevent any historical interest.
• The only stretch of two-lane interstate exists in NH, but no one gives a damn because only 18 year olds driving up to Canada use it to get drunk. Also, many question the validity of New Hampshire being categorized as a "state."
• The state's largest city is Manchester, America's 222nd city, right after Denton, TX.
• The world's first free and tax supported libraries were in NH, thus starting a worldwide trend and precedent to provide a form of homeless shelter in every god forsaken community on the planet. This is immaterial because no one reads books anymore, and there is much debate if indeed people ever did, as obviously the residents of New Hampshire never have.
• There is a NASCAR track in NH, and such an existence can only mean that the lowest forms of life are present. Attendees of NASCAR races aren't technically human, so their interests do not count, like those of Jews.
• Adam Sandler is from New Hampshire. He is not noteworthy.
• GG Allin is from New Hampshire. He is incredibly noteworthy, and a hero to IRL trolls everywhere.
• Actress Keri Lynn Pratt who sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks is also from New Hampshire, you've never heard of her thus proving that New Hampshire is shit.
• Guise is from New Hampshire, you can be cool like him by donating to ED.
• The state possibly has the most vanity plates per capita. This isn't noteworthy, it's just gay.
• The state seal is that of the "Raleigh", flagship of Jone Paul Jones, father of the US Navy. It is pictured on the stalks, signifying that it was built at the once glamorous Portsmouth "NH" Naval Shipyard, except that the shipyard is in Maine, and thus the scene depicted is also. FAIL!
• Dartmouth College, the most obscure Ivy League school was founded in Hanover, N.H. in 1769. Only elitists and the kind of rich capitalist pigs who caused the last monstrous recession know about it. Both current Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and his predecessor, Hank Paulson, are graduates.

The White Mountains

The state's only significant geological ridge of hills, so named not because of their mostly granite composition (as many mistakenly believe), but rather due to the fact that the state's only two black people live much farther south.

Worst Weather in the World

KILLER MOUNTAIN Over nine thousand have been confirmed dead due to exposure, hundreds more have gone missing.

New Hampshire is home to Mount Washington, a rather ordinary-looking mountain that holds the dubious honor of having the worst weather in the world. Weather conditions rival those of Antarctica, with wind-chills known to drop to -120°F. It also holds the record highest sustained wind-speed of 231 mph. Lovely.

Gayest Train in the World

File:GAYTRAIN.jpg As if to compensate for something supernaturally awesome by adding something excruciatingly gay, Mount Washington has its own railway: the Mount Washington Cog Railway, the single most homosexual train in the world. Often visited by the elderly and their bored grandkids, it adorns the deadly edifice like a feather-boa worn by the Terminator.

Tapping into the tourism market of confused travelers, hopelessly lost thinking that they were headed somewhere cool or in Europe, the railway gets record numbers to partially fill up its single car. Thinking they might be able to salvage some part of their failing vacation, the visitors ride to the summit only to be miserable in the relentless wind and realize there is a reason all the buildings have to be chained to the ground atop that which is nothing more than an oversized rock.

Old Man of the Mountain

The Old Man of the Mountain was a tiny rock formation up in the middle of nowhere that looked sort of like an old dude if you squinted real hard. People would drive hundreds of miles to stare at a bunch of rocks. Pictures of it are everywhere, from driver's licenses to license plates to road signs. Then one day, the old man said, "fuck this shit" and fell down. (This event was ridiculed in The Simpsons.) Noone cared except a few old people.

If you're curious what it looks like, go find a NH state quarter. Its what they put on there because there is nothing else they care about. Not only did they choose something stupid, but something that existed for an impressive 42 seconds after the coin was minted. It further pisses off the rest of the country by fucking up coin tosses as being a double-headed quarter.

Interesting Facts About New Hampshire

• Road signs are in both metric and Standard units, even though residents can't read either
• At the last census, New Hampshire was 97.5% white
• New Hampshire's state motto is "Go away and leave us the fuck alone" replacing the former motto: "Practice random acts of kindness and bomb Massachusetts."
• Is actually part of Massachusetts
• New Hampshire has the highest alcohol sales per capita, but not the highest consumption rate. WTF? tax free liquor sales on the side of the highway = lots of drunks and high schoolers from vermont and fagachusetts chugging their bespoilered 98 acuras a short ways up 89 or 91 and buying jagermeister.
• The population of New Hampshire consists entirely of four people

Seacoast

It's about as long as an Asian man's penis (go get your magnifying glass). There is also a beach there that allows Hookers to come in from Massachusetts.

Live Free and Die

New Hampshire has neither a seat belt law for motor vehicles (for riders over 18) nor a helmet law for motorcyclists, making it a popular state for irritating fags. They don't require a driver's permit before getting a license, either. So if you keep failing your driver's test, move to New Hampshire!

Nukulahr Powahr

Interestingly enough, along the state's 2 inches of coastline, they have built a nuclear power plant. Originally sold to the people as a clean power sauce, the real motive behind it is to subtly trigger a meltdown in the near future and effectively take out metro-Faganistan. The only reason for a delay in this act is that it would also lay waste to a large portion of New Hampshire itself, but the idea is again gaining favor as it is realized that the Commies from the South have invaded and rapidly settled in the Southeast as a form of cancer. Southern portions of that stupid glove-looking state would also be destroyed, but no cares about those fags after they stole the state's only Naval institution.

The Fourteenth Province of Canada has followed suit and built a nuclear plant along its border with New Hampshire, much to the dismay of the rest of the world which would have much preferred to have it built near New York or Quebec, both of which are considered larger threats to normal people than the gun toting alcoholic rednecks of western New Hampshire.

New Hampshire Primaries

Once every four years, New Hampshire gets to think it's important, because it has presidential primaries before almost everybody. For about two weeks, the state economy goes through the roof with all the candidates and aides and followers and reporters eating in the restaurants and sleeping in the hotels, and then everybody remembers that New Hampshire is tiny and stupid compared to, say, Texas, and they GTFO until the next election season.

Fun Things to Do in New Hampshire

• Get drunk

  

  Typical New Hampshirite /v/irgin. Note the senseless pride in being from New Hampshire (sweatshirt), the horribly disfigured face and the Terminal Velocity.

• Get high
• Tip cows
• Donate to ED. (You were just going to spend it on the Cog Railway anyway.)
• Get out of the state as soon as possible.
• Participate in the yearly penis sucking contest in December.

How to Troll People from NH

• Ask them if New Hampshire is a town in Massachusetts
• Go to The Union Leader website and leave comments about why the New Hampshire primary should be abolished and why it's time for a statewide sales and income tax
• Tell them that you'll visit New Hampshire more often once running water is implemented
• Erratically drive a car with a Massachusetts license plate throughout and honk your horn
• Exclaim that Tom Brady sucks
• Tell them that you attend Dartmouth College.

LTTM

Car plates from New Hampshire often have LTTM written on them. A quick search on Google reveals that this means one of the following;

• Laughter To The Max
• Less Than Traditional Moms
• Listen To The Music
• Longterm Terrain Model
• Last Train To Memphis

Not quite "The Sunshine State" or anything comprehensible like that then. Meanwhile Look to the Mountain is an enthralling epic of the men and women who settled the New England wilderness. Apparently.