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A haunting is a spooky occurrence that happens when someone has been trolled so severely that even in death they linger in the form of a ghost. The cause of most hauntings are fishing line, creaky houses, and not calling a plumber when your pipes are fucked. Fortunately for gullible donglords the lack of any actual ghostly presence doesn't disqualify a place from being haunted. Merely by believing that a dead person is floating around watching them masturbate is sufficient to claim they are being visited by the other side. Appropriately, the people most likely to find themselves haunted are skiddish white people who never stopped believing in imaginary friends and superstitious third world nignogs.
Occasionally an actual haunting will develop and promptly scare the shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to have to witness its large menagerie of physics defying ghost douchebaggery. Depending on the type of manifestations plaguing these unlucky assholes they can look forward to disembodied voices, sentient shadows, residual weeping, self propelled objects, self-rearranging chairs, and if particularly fucked, physical attacks. Considered by ghost experts to be a form of reverse trolling these activities are the result of a spirit that has realized he or she is dead and therefore can't be bothered to give anymore fucks. Typically these ghosts spend all their energy being an annoyance at worst. Excited for your morning jog? Let's see how excited you are to go dick around in the park after witnessing a floating translucent woman crying in your living room every morning.
Should you find yourself being haunted, don't panic. The very nature of hauntings require a ghost to stay put in the same place for all of eternity. Like a large population of the Internet they are stuck and can never travel outside their disgusting dust covered lair even if it's a Friday night when normal people are out enjoying themselves. An astute dramacrat such as yourself is free to torment the spirit however you see fit. They can't go anywhere. Ghosts will have to put up with everything you do to make their afterlife a figurative and literally hell. Seriously, go wild! Beat off on all their possessions, blare shitty techno music in their favorite bedroom, hang up photos of the person responsible for murdering them everywhere, and invite fellow minded friends to viciously taunt them. Ghosts can't do shit to stop it because they're fucking dead.
Types of Hauntings
Residual
Found In: Battlefields, houses, pretty much everywhere.
The lowest and well known tier of paranormal activity. Residual hauntings are spirits that have broken the repeat setting on their existence and replay the same incident endlessly. They do not interact with much of anything and are considered separate from intelligent ghosts. Commonly fixated on whatever traumatic event in their past led to their death be it suicide or a violent end. Should you come across a residual haunting be sure to decorate this location with highly offensive objects. Mr.I-like-to-walk-through-walls wont be frightening for long when he has to phase through multiple dildos every night. Sometimes these hauntings are accompanied with auditory disturbances such as weeping, wailing, or screaming (not very original are you dead people?). While this might be frightening at first keep in mind that you are going to have to put up with it every other night. Either drown these whimpers out with whale sounds or add them to your favorite song. Slayer could always use some more blood curdling screams afterall.
Signs You're Dealing With One: Outdated fashion, ancient slang, erratic screaming, piano music.
Sad/Remorseful
Found In: Hospitals, Fatal Car Wrecks, Burnt Out Buildings.
Next up on the spook scale are the departed souls of huge pussies. These emo spectres are usually the victims of suicides or tragic deaths and are doomed to cry about it for all of time. Their existence is further proof that Jews have no souls because Auschwitz isn't haunted despite the outpouring of misery from the loss of jew golds. Hospitals tend to be popular spots to find these moping ghosts as instead of finding somewhere badass to haunt they would rather haunt dying people. This leads to sometimes amusing confusion since the feeble minds of the terminally ill are further sent into a downward spiral. Sad and depressed spirits are generally completely harmless and in search of a shoulder to cry on (even if you're asleep). If you encounter one of these phantoms be sure to berate and insult them for being too afraid to die properly. They are naturally avoidant of anything overly aggressive and easily driven away by an all night Halo-fest or repeat viewings of Jersey Shore.
Signs You're Dealing With One: Weeping, hushed whispers, unexplained pools of water, white mist, disembodied hugs.
Angry/Pissed Off
Found In: Aircraft Carriers, Murder Scenes, Massacre Sites.
This form of haunting is caused if an extremely butthurt individual dies dramatically and suddenly. Their pure rage keeps them from getting the fuck over it and they attempt to take it out on anyone they come across. Spirits such as these will try to frighten you or drive you away but don't fall for their tricks as they are able to do very little. Simply by ignoring this ghost you can harass it to perform more hilariously feeble tricks for your bemusement. The most powerful among them can induce minor headaches and toss small pebbles, however, this is the limit of their ethereal power. Encountered in locations of bloodshed conducive to accidental insta-death. Military forts tend to be hotspots for phantoms like these as having your head removed by a cannon ball fits the description of sudden rather accurately. So long as you avoid staircases or other hazards they could take advantage of you will find yourself absolutely unharmed. Continuing to yell mean things toward them will result in pitiful sperg-outs. Since they are motivated by rage pretty much anything you do is bound to piss them off. Be sure to bring a video camera to capture their temper tantrums.
Yurei - Angry asian ghost and almost always a woman. Returns from the dead to kill the men in her life who betrayed or murdered her. Basically a feminist.
Strogoi - Romanian supernatural creature. Takes the form of vampires, werewolves, glowing balls of light, and various figures of mythology. Hang out in dilapidated castles.
Shadow Figure - Shadows that dart around in the night and noticed by being blacker than an African dictator. Unsettling in appearance.
Signs You're Dealing With One: Profanity, door slamming, black mist, physical touching, objects moving.
Poltergeists
Found In: Around 14 Year Old Girls, Europe, Dolls.
Germanic for "noisy ghost" this phenomena is where shit starts to get a little too real. Multiple objects floating around? Check. Furniture moving multiple feet across the floor? Check. Unlike regular hauntings Poltergeists are short lived but highly intense manifestations of pants shitting scary. They are notable for being severely terrifying spirits that enjoy innocent fun such as levitating people and throwing heavy items directly at your face. Within the realm of the paranormal these ghosts are the embodiment of trolls who will try to get a reaction out of you at any cost, no matter how long it takes. Their insane behavior is rivaled only by how rare they are to the tune of one per decade (sometimes longer). Interestingly, a poltergeist oftentimes will center their attention on one target in particular (they are extremely fond of little girls and stressed women), scientists deduce this is due to the lols the spirit gains from singling out one person.
—Enfield Poltergeist | ||
Poltergeists are so outrageous their antics tend to draw the attention of actual police officers. Desperate victims of these hauntings, believing they have no other choice, will phone their local precinct begging them to do something. Almost always this results in very little. Despite complete bewilderment after witnessing boxes rearranging themselves or furniture deciding to go flying on its own accord the cops have no means to stop the poltergeist. Since the ghost cannot be arrested or shot at for being black law enforcement reminds the hapless home/store owner that there is nothing they can do. Poltergeists tend to disappear as mysteriously as they showed up, never to be seen or heard from again.
Signs You're Dealing With One: Constant knocking, items being thrown, musical chairs, levitation, children stealing.
Demonic
Found In: Satanic Altars, Desecrated Churches, Your House.
Beings of pure evil. Where poltergeists enjoy scaring you only to partial death, demonic hauntings want nothing more than to kill you and steal your soul. Demonic manifestations tend to be a combination of all previously mentioned phenomena in addition to physical attacks. Their usual calling card is the scratches they inflict mocking your church going grandmother and pissing in the eyes of Allah. Demons especially enjoy possessing people after slowly whittling down their sanity with malicious displays of unholy terror. They'll throw you around, push you down anything they can, and invade every last tiny glimmer of happiness you have. Should you try to escape they have no qualms about following you to continue their life ruin tactics. Sometimes they can be voluntarily summoned by teenagers from hot topic but typically require you murder a few people in their name before lifting a finger to aid you in your dark arts. It's suggested you acquire a virgin maiden for this sacrifice otherwise you risk pissing them off further. After being invited to brutally fuck with everyone they come in contact with they repay the favor by having the poor nerds who called upon them put to death through suspicious circumstances. When not ripping apart your flesh they are known to control the emotions of any weak minded feeble plebes in the area. The only way to combat these agents of death is to literally coat every surface available in crucifixes and bathing only in holy water. However, you can still look forward to insanity inducing visions brought upon you by a bonafide lord of hell. Incredibly rare rate of occurence. If ever encountered immediately run the fuck away.
Signs You're Dealing With One: Family members traveling on all fours power vomiting, crucifix spinning, impromptu ozzy osbourne concerts, spontaneous fire.
Nightmare Mode
Found In: Dreams, Silent Hill, Italy.
Sometimes a location is well beyond such quaint phrases as "bloody" and "steeped in horrifying"; merely visiting is a terribly bad idea. So completely infested with gruesome apparitions that the local population refuses to even step foot in or on them. Only a handful of buildings on the face of the earth have met this criteria. One of these, Povelgia, is a tiny island just off the coast of Venice, Italy. Originally the site of mass plague pits during the second outbreak of the black death it has served as a quarantine, a hospital, and then finally a psychiatric hospital. According to popular lore the despised medical doctor in charge of this IRL horror movie was driven insane and leapt to his death from the clock tower and his body was swallowed up by a black mass erupting from the ground. In yet another location in Italy sits an abandoned abbey known as Lucedio. It is said that after the devil visited all the local little girls via dream magic he convinced them to convert the monks to satanism. There they sacrificed and raped hundreds of children in the name of the devil. The pope eventually found out and decided to put an end to this faggotry so he had the monks executed then buried into the walls themselves. Sounds pleasant.
Onryo - The IRL inspiration for the grudge. A ghost of pure murderous spite that will kill anything that comes across it and stalk anything that manages to get away.
Paranormal Investigators
Paranormal investigation is the process of infuriating a ghost, calling it out on its bullshit until the spectre emotionally breaks down, and responds to the abuse. Some paranormal investigators insist they are trying to find peace for these sad souls but they are frauds. While conducting an investigation your objective is to stir the ectoplasm pot as this is the quickest way of seeing if a place is truly haunted. Recommend tactics for instigating the paranormal include: demanding their presence, mocking their death, judging their moral crimes, calling them names, abusing their sensibilities, and thoroughly baiting them. To begin, start yelling empty threats at the ghost (they are notoriously difficult to goad into a conversation) and slowly start incorporating key phrases related to their past life. If you are doing this correctly, various phenomena should begin to escalate. This is known as baiting the ghost. View an example of this behavior below:
Correctly using these techniques will pretty much guarantee you will a spirit if there happens to be one around. Then you can use some questionable unrelated scientific equipment to confirm your suspicions. Afterward you are free to charge the family or business however much money you choose and rake in up to $45,000 dollars a year! With all your new found wealth it is wise you purchase supposedly haunted homes, their value long since plummeted, and charge people additional amounts of money to interact with your ghosts. For extra hilarity offer "exclusive" tours where you occasionally show up and guide people through the process of walking around in the dark without flash lights.
Tools Of The Trade
- EMF meters - (ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD) - REM pods
- Night vision camera - Suitable for pornographic films
- Motion Capture - In case the ghost tries to run away
- FLIR - (Forward Looking Infared) So you can capture the heat signatures of the dead
- Kinect Camera - Ghosts enjoy motion capture games (WARNING: DO NOT USE A PS MOVE)
- Dubious Homemade Gadgets - SB7 Spirit Box, Dousing Rods, Ovulus Rift,
The Internet and Hauntings
Long ago youtube users in dire need of viewers for their mismanaged and unpopular video channels discovered that with a bit of trickery they could endlessly create fake ghost videos (an easy task considering 99% of ghost videos are fakes). The quality of these films range from poor to jesus christ someone actually spent money on this. Appropriately these videos were then responded to by "professional" debunkers who by building contraptions well known to magicians for years could easily take the wind out of these nerds. If you see a video with doors opening and closing (all within perfect frame of course) be sure to call out the creator as a faggot. Be on the look out:
Ghostly Gallery
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Two Ghosts 1 Girl finally caught on tape -
I've always wanted to sleep on the ceiling -
Demons you say? -
NOT A REAL GHOST (That's a black person) -
Can you find it? -
Definitely legit -
Look! Look! Look! -
A SUPER REAL GHOST
