Travis the Killer Chimp

"The chimpanzee shot first."

Travis the Killer Chimp (1995 – February 16, 2009) was a 200lb (91kg) male chimpanzee who, having been featured in several American television commercials and television shows, was more talented than you ever will be. Named after the sociopathic Travis Bickle of "Taxi Driver," he reached worldwide notoriety when he was stabbed and killed after a sudden, vicious attack on a friend of his keeper while high on Xanax and Lyme disease medication. Travis was only 14 when he was brutally murdered by the Stamford police. Thus, in chimp years, he was afflicted with dementia. He is most notable for going batshit apeshit insane and eating a woman's face and hands.

As an animal actor, Travis had appeared in several television commercials, including spots for Coca-Cola and Old Navy. He had also appeared on The Maury Povich Show and appeared in a television pilot that featured Sheryl Crow and Michael Moore.

VICTIM of Chimp Rage; Charla Nash. Nash was mauled by the chimp and was left in critical condition. No word yet if this is a before or after pic. Confirmed, before.

Travis starred in children's books as well.

Who is Sandra Herold of the Jungle?

A face any chimp would love; Sandra Herold.

Some people have cats. Some people have pitbulls. Hipsters keep pigs. This woman kept a monkey. It was killer.

Having declined anon's advice to install dog curtains, Sandra Herold thought it would be a good idea to keep a wild animal as a pet. She resided in the wealthy part of Fairfield County in Stamford, Connecticut. Strangely, she thought pulling a black person out of fucking Africa Hollywood sounded like a clever and smart idea.

Travis did not like Connecticut. Being accustomed to the life of a star, the severe lack of fake boobies, hookers and blow weighed heavily on Travis and finally lashed out on a friend of Sandra, thus removing her face and hands. Sandra did not have nice boobs.

The Relationship

	“	Travis the chimpanzee's relationship with his owner was closer than those of some married couples.	„
	—News reporter John Christofferson, commenting on the strange and twisted relationship between Travis and his owner Sandra Herold.

Sandra Herold spared no luxuries in the care and keeping of Travis. She fed him the finest foods, gave him wine in long stemmed glasses, and she even took baths with the monkey. Over the course of many years, their relationship grew to that of an older married couple, not that of an owner and pet.

While this would be confusing to the animal, it is not confusing to humans. She loved the animal like it was a husband, but no animal can understand that sort of emotion, no matter how much a human wants to place human like attributes on an animal. Travis was only seeing a mate, as he had bonded to her like any male chimpanzee would, and that is why when some other person pissed him off by entering his “space” he ate her eyeballs.

It starts once more!

Anthropomorphism

	“	This is a crazy relationship	„
	—Primate Expert and master of the understatement, Stephen Rene Tello.

Anthropomorphism is the human tendency to give things human-like qualities. It is considered therapeutic and relaxing by some experts when a human applies these qualities to their pets, but just like most things humans do, these people took it way too far.

Here are some of the things that Travis’ owner did to provide the lulz:

• Fed it human food at the dinner table.

• Allowed it to sit in the car as a human would.

• Fed it human drugs for depression and anxiety.

• Preformed fellatio on Travis … lolwut.

• Worried that an animal would have depression and anxiety.

• Gave the chimp ice cream so often that the chimp knew the ice cream truck schedule.

• Took baths together…wait, what?

Quotes

Even Abe and Hellboy are caught unaware by Travis' rampage.

“   If there is another person entering his space, he might consider it a threat to his territory, or even his mate   „     —Tello again, this time hitting closer to the truth.     “   I think Travis attacked her because she had a different hairstyle.   „     —Sandra Herold, owner of Travis.     “   I told them this was serious, if it was a child, it could have ripped the hand off or an arm out of the socket.   „     —Leslie Mostel Paul, a Travis survivor who, in 1996 was bitten by the chimp.     “   Sandy would always say he would will himself to die if they were separated   „     —Don Mecca, friend of Travis and his owner, and also a complete retard for listening to this lady.     “   I think he was lost, he belongs in the jungle with the rest of them.   „     —Mecca commenting on the Obama cartoon.     “   This is a crazy relationship, he was probably very bonded with her. I can kind of see it in his eyes this is his surrogate mother.   „     —Stephen Rene Tello, Primates expert.     “   Her hands looked like they were wrecked by a machine. Eyes wounded, hair yanked out. Face and scalp injuries so extensive, all the blood obscured whatever parts were left.   „     —Donna Willis, journalist, commenting on the severity of Travis' attack.     “   i wonder if they released any shock pics yet   „     —lmte Previous Quote | Next Quote

Gallery

Killer Chimp Gallery About missing Pics

• 
  Travis
• 
  A monkey in a diaper loooooool.
• 
  Travis thinking: "I'd like to rip her face off."
• 
  FURIOUS GEORGE

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Dead in the back of the cruiser.
• 
  Travis attacking a patrol car.
• 
  Those aren't his lips...they're hers.
• 
  Travis "bonds" to yet another human.
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  The warning signs were there: in the 90s, Travis was involved in gang activity.
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  Travis's father expressed his sadness over the events.
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  Based on a true story.
• 
  Charla Nash speaking to yet another ape about her tragedy.
• 
  Srs bzns

The Spin-off

On February 18th, the New York Post published a cartoon which portrayed President Obama as Travis the Chimp. The New York Post has vigorously maintained that the cartoon was in no way racially antagonistic. Ergo in less time than an0n could avenge a cat, pissed-off activists throughout the Mid-Atlantic mobilized.

Not surprisingly, Al Sharpton - famous for cameoing in Adam Sandler movies and being more popular than Joe Lieberman in the 04' election cycle - was asked to give his take on the situation given his expertise and charisma in defusing community racial tensions. He has proposed that anyone who ever uses the words "Obama" and "monkey" in the same statement be immediately charged with hate speech.

Nobody really cared what Sharpton said, of course. But the media treasures him since they're massive whores for lulz ratings.

After the dust cleared over the chimp cartoon, the media went back to more important matters.

Aftermath

Travis turned Charla into Juliana Wetmore.

Recently, Charla Nash appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show. We would show you the clip, but it has been DMCA'd like a million times and we are too lazy to keep changing the link. Google it. Also

On or around May 25th of 2010, Sandra Herold died of AIDS (purportedly contracted during her marriage to Travis) at 72 years old. In the end, it was Sandra who had the last laugh: She was being sued for 50 million dollars by Charla Nash, who will now live out the rest of her days not only a faceless deformed abomination, but poor as well.

See Also

• Africa
• Barack Obama
• George W. Bush
• Horses
• Dusty
• Monkids

External Links

• Nash gets face transplant

This article is dedicated to Ajt

Featured article March 25, 2009
Preceded by Jade Goody	Travis the Killer Chimp	Succeeded by Girugamesh