Kansas City

Kansas City is the largest city in the state of Missouri. The city is notable for being as much of a shithole as Saint Louis, and being boring enough that suicide is the official city sport. Kansas City has served as the capital of trolls in the Midwestern United States since the Civil War.

Kansas City Civic Sports Champion, 1987

Weather

All day, every day.

Kansas City has shit weather, with blizzards in the winter, and extreme heat and humidity in the summer. It is also a widely known fact that there is always at least one tornado on the ground in Kansas City at all times regardless of other weather conditions.

Transportation

Kansas City has more highway miles per capita than any other city in America. Therefore, you will be driving if you visit. The limpdicks in Saint Louis like to bitch about how they don't get metro service to their Cardinals' games, but then forget that Kansas City doesn't have a train system at all. The airport is all weird n' shit, and has three gates instead of the usual one, just to piss off the cab drivers.

Book learnin'

White kids in the north go to nice schools, while the black kids learn how to divide by cutting the newest shipment of crack. The Kansas side no longer teaches evolution, except Lawrence, where one is burned at the stake for preaching Christianity. Lawrence is also not part of Kansas City.

Sports

Both the Kansas City Chiefs and the Royals haven't won a championship recently.

The Wizards won a championship in 2000, but soccer is for fags.

One time World's Fastest Man Maurice Green is from the Kansas side though he claims to be from Texas, where he honed his running skills by evading police officers.

The Kansas City NBA and NHL teams are the only good sports teams in Kansas City, mostly because they don't exist.

Government

Kansas City has a weird system where the mayor doesn't actually run the town. Instead, the City Manager does. The mayor is Mark Funkhouser, who first gained notariety for portraying Lerch in the Addams Family TV shows and movies. He is America's first invertabrate mayor, due to the fact that his wife, Gloria Squitiro, removed his spine years ago. He got pissed at the city council for b&ing his wife from working at City Hall, so now, he works out of his house.

Running a city is harder than serving Gomez Addams.

Size

It's well known that Kansas City is way too spread out and it takes for fucking ever to get anywhere. Kansas City is everywhere and is probably considering annexing your city next.

Trolling in Kansas City

Trolling IRL can be a hard task in some locales, but this is not the case in Kansas City. Here's some trolling techniques:

• Call the Ask-A-Nurse hotline to ask if they recommend one type of meth over the other.
• Wear a Raiders jersey to a Chiefs game, or the jersey of any successful baseball team to a Royals game.
• Ask Mayor Mark Funkhouser if Raul Julia was nice in person on the set of The Addams Family.
• Ask why there aren't very many sports championships won by the professional teams there.
• Tell someone from Johnson County that you drive a nicer car/ own a nicer house/ make more money/ wear nicer clothes/ screw a more attractive woman than they do.
• Over-enunciate your words to those from Wyandotte County.
• Try to steal an Xbox from a party. - Will result in severe injury.
• Ask the middle aged residents of Platte County about all of the black people who have moved in since their childhood.
• Harrass Lowtax.
• Open a strip club. - Technique valid for the entire state of Missouri.
  • Serve beer at that strip club.
  • Stay open after midnight.
• Be a black female immigrant with warrants out for your arrest, get pulled over, start to miscarry, then spend the entire night in a KCPD jail.
• Tell any resident that any other barbeque is better than the local product.
• Fall from the roof of Kemper Arena during a wrestling match.
• Conspire to stab the governor of Missouri but stab a junior college dean instead.
• Be a Vietnam Veteran that spits tobacco juice in Jane Fonda's face at a book signing.

Bleeding Kansas and Toasty Lawrence

Before and during the American Civil War, possibly the lulziest of race conflicts evar, the vicinity of Kansas City was a veritable playground and testbed for trolls and their trolling techniques. Perhaps most memorable of these is the war between the pro-slavery forces of Missouri and the settlers of the Kansas-Nebraska territory. Kansas and Nebraska were a hotly disputed territory, being wanted by both the North and South to help each side. Missouri, which was the Mecca of trolling in the US at the time, was a base of operations for the pro-slavery forces of the South. Disliking the fact that Kansans might choose to be a free territory, Missourians went in to Kansas and did the most logical thing anyone could: pwnage. The most affected town was Lawrence, Kansas, known in modern times as the home of the aging hippie. One day, William Clarke Quantrill, a faggot, decided that indeed, that particular day was one made for pillaging. Quantrill and his raiders burned down Lawrence, killed anyone who could put up resistance and anyone who thought doing meth was fuckwitted. Quantrill's raid cemented the reputation of Kansas City as a base for trolls, and is still a sore spot for Kansans, since Missourians fucking raided and pillaged their town.

The Great Hipster Troll

In the year 2000, the trolls of Kansas City realized that they had not done an IRL troll in what seemed like decades. It was agreed that this had to be dealt with, lest the city's reputation of being a troll capital fall into disrepair. The course of action that the Kansas City trolls took spawned one of the largest - and most controversial - trolls in modern history.

At the time, Kansas City was suffering from blight in its downtown and midtown areas. Realizing this, the city government (infiltrated with trolls itself) saw a chance to kill two birds with one stone. It was decided that the blight would be cured with the implantation of areas and shops that would attract the young, hip crowd. By doing so, the trolls implemented the "shotgun" trolling technique: using a troll (in this case, yuppies) against an unknown target, but knowing that the attempt at a troll will invariably piss off at least one (or maybe more) groups. Excited about the proposition that their downtown would be alive again, the citizens of Kansas City unknowingly embraced the planned troll. By 2006, the young people had come, and the downtown area was inhabited once more. However, the young people of 2000 and 2006 were very, very different. By 2006, young people had become a swarm of hipsters - one of the most reviled groups OL and IRL. The hipsters had come, and the entire Midwest and Great Plains felt their wrath. Soon, though, the trolls of Kansas City realized that the trolls had trolled the trolls... only the trolls that were trolled were them.

By 2008, it became impossible to go to Westport without wading through a toxic sea of empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, Parliament cigarette cartons, and flyers for obscure bands. Not long after, the trolls became embattled in a bitter and still unfinished civil war. On one side were those who saw the original troll as one of the greatest of all time, while those on the other side saw the Hipster Troll as an attempt at lulz gone horribly wrong. The pro-troll side accused the anti-trolls of falling victim to an epic case of troll's remorse, while the anti-trolls labeled the pro-trollers as hipster sympathizers - a label carrying with it as much contempt as the label of lulz killer. To this day, the civil war of the Kansas City trolls still rages, with neither side having a clear advantage. Troll analysts and /b/tard scholars have stated that they have great concern as to whether or not one of the most legendary groups of all trolling can survive the tear.

Goatse

See main article: Goatse

Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher!

See main article: Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher! for moar information

Awful shit to come out of Kansas City

• Sprint Nextel
• Garmin GPS
• Negro Basball Hall of Fame
• Eminem
• Oregon Trail - You have died of Dysentery.
• Kansas City Royals - Considered a AAA baseball team in St. Louis, which is why the Royals beat them 2-1 in the 2010 I-70 series, but can't ever seem to make it to the playoffs, or not lose 100+ games. It's not a joke they've, haven't been in the playoffs since 1985, and have posted a winning record only once in the past 15 seasons.
• Goatse- The webserver that originally hosted the Goatse photos was traced to be in Kansas City.
• James S. Harris
• Mexicans
• Canadians
• MEXICANADIANS!
• Matt Bartle - Christian Conservative Sunday School Teacher passed a bill recently to put just about every strip club in the state of Missouri out of business. But hey, he's doing God's Work
• Glenn Miller - Former KKK Leader running for US Senate. He isn't bashful about it.
• NAFTA Superhighway - The Tin Foil Hat crowd accuses Kansas City of being a major transportation hub between Canada, United States, and Mexico, thus explaining why Kansas City has so many highways. But that would be silly. Now can somebody help me break 5 Amero for the vending machine?
• Walt Disney
• Budweiser- though the label says Budweiser is from St. Louis, almost all Missourians know it actually originates in Kansas City. The first step of the production process is for a homeless person in Kansas City to take a piss in the Missouri River, where it ferments as it flows to St. Louis, where the sick fuck residents thought it would be a brilliant idea to make beer out of it.
• I-70
• I-35
• I-29
• Johnson County
• Blue Springs Football
• Casey Brezik- Batshit insane black dude who stabbed the MCCKC dean because he thought the dean was the govenor of Missouri (Jay Nixon)... all for the lulz.
• Lowtax
• Something Awful
• DerSquirrel
• You

Actual awesome shit to come from Kansas City

• BBQ
• Joe Montana
• Harry S. Truman
• Meth
• Povitica
• Boulevard Brewery
• Russel Stover Candies
• Curtis©
• Fatal1ty

See Also

• St. Louis - City on the other side of Missouri. Known for having the highest STD transmission and infection rate of any large city in the US.
• Missouri
• Trolls Trolling Trolls