Costco

Need anything?

Costco is a members-only big-box warehouse store where you can load up on all of life's necessities; so grab the kids and empty the trunk, we're going to Costco!

First Humiliation

The first humiliation you face when entering Costco is the Card Troll. The Card Troll's only employable trait is scanning your body for a member card, although any random card in your wallet will work, such as your NRA or Sex Offender Registry card. If you forgot your card at home or simply are not a member, approach the entrance cautiously. It's best to wait outside and tail a group of several obese families so that you can evade the Card Troll. From now on you must think and move like Solid Snake, stick to the shadows, and avoid the Genome soldiers. Proceed to eat as many free samples as you can and then take a nap on the patio furniture in victory.

Samples

This chink's got the right idea

Costco will sometimes have free samples at the end of basically every aisle, depending on which Jew manager is working that day. The best sample days are Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Chanukkah, and other Jew days, since the hardcore Jews will be out mutilating babies and manipulating currencies, leaving the more moderate Jews in charge.

After eating the whole tray of egg rolls, it's customary to say a dumb joke like "can I get a to-go box?" before moving on to the next sample station like a swarm of locusts.

First Date

Costco's a great first date idea to impress that special someone. Grab a big fucking cart, feel the life drain from your eyes and follow her into the store. Let her fill up your cart with a bunch of bullshit like diapers and canned tuna, then for dinner, buy her a churro and a slice of pepperoni pizza. Go back to her place, unload those boxes, and she'll be sure to let you load her box with your churro, you classy fucker.

Buying Clothes

Your new uniform

One must be careful when buying clothes at Costco. First, there's no fitting room, so you'd better hope those skinny jeans fit, and second, every piece of clothing you buy at Costco has the potential to become your Costco uniform. You might think that a bright yellow rain jacket was a good idea, but so did two dozen other people that day. Now it's raining and you want to go to Costco, but so do hundreds of other people who bought that bright yellow rain jacket. Now Costco is full of people in bright yellow rain jackets and you're wondering how you can open that box of kitchen knives so you can go slit your wrists near the frozen meats.

Final Humiliation

Start building up momentum shortly after checkout

The final humiliation is the loss prevention checker, although they like to spin it by saying they're really just making sure you didn't accidentally pay for something that's NOT in your cart. They've profiled you before you hand over your 3-foot receipt and have already decided whether or not to let you leave. When they try to stop your sweaty black ass, just say "fuck tha police" and use your cart full of watermelons as a battering ram. It's true that they can't legally arrest you, but they can tackle you and put a boot on your neck, so make sure your getaway driver is standing by.

See also

• Amazon
• Capitalism
• IKEA
• Never drinking again
• Wal-Mart

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