Wisconsin

This man is considered attractive in Wisconsin.

Were you looking for a teenage wannabe armature porn star who fucks dogs and tricks pedestrians into sniffing her vaginal gunk? See Whitney Wisconsin.

Map of excessive drinking by county. Notice how Wisconsin is clearly visible in this map.

Wisconsin (or as the locals call it, WisCAAAAANsin) is a huge parasitic shithole in the Midwest. The birthplace of the Republican Party, Senator Joe McCarthy and The John Birch Society. In other words, Wisconsin is essentially Texas with eight months of winter. It houses 73% of the country's fat people, rednecks and alcoholics. Most people consider Wisconsin to be a disgrace to America. Wisconsin's neighbors absolutely hate this fucking state.

The typical Wisconsin resident is an obese white truck driver who owns a farm and is married to a cow. In fact, if you look at a satellite photograph of Wisconsin, you will see lots of green from the state's massive amount of corn and John Deere tractors. You will also see lots of brown, owing to the lack of septic tanks in Wisconsin.

If you are lucky enough to stumble upon an inhabited location in Wisconsin, you will find over 9000 Indian casinos, bars, and liquor stores. There are no houses in these cities because everyone lives in underground retirement homes.

If you are ever challenged to a drinking contest by someone from Wisconsin, don't, because when Wisconsinaians are drunk, they may start talking about tractors and how to hump livestock. If you're really unlucky, they will try to raep your penis for money because of the fact that the niggers in wisconsin are opened in the anus.

History

Typical Wisconsin Resident.

At least 100 years ago, some French guy named Jean Luc-Picard became Wisconsin's first Space captain, landing in a cornfield near modern-day Corn Bay in search of child pornography. Sadly, all he found were red people and corn.

After the Revolution, Wisconsin was part of the U.S. Useless Territory. It was then governed as part of AIDS Ranch, Faggot dump, and Michigan. Settlement began when the first two public eBay offices opened.

The state STD is AIDS (aka faggot disease), which reflects Wisconsin's early sexual history. Many town names such as AIDS Point recall a period at least 100 years ago when Wisconsin was an important sexual concentration camp.

After all of this faggotry occurred, larger numbers of Jews arrived, and the state subsequently became over one-third Ash. Most became small business owners, especially known for their nick knack shops and dildo emporiums. Others moved to Milwaukee to find employment and make their usual profit from the city's high concentration of gullible nigras.

The official religion of 'Scaaaaansin is based on the American't football team, The Green Bay (fudge)Packers. Worship of these athletes is regarded as serious business, and the indoctrination of children to this mindless NORP faith is common.

In 1836, Wisconsin became the undeclared loser of the Toledo War of 1835, a dispute that it wasn't even a part of. This says a lot about Wisconsin.

Geography

High tier residents are married to at least one cow. The remainder take local women.

The landscape of Wisconsin was formed by the movement of glaciers during the ice age. These glaciers changed the land by carving out bluffs and depositing soil to form Wisconsin's trademark hills. Unfortunately, these glaciers occurred at least 9000 years ago when civilization did not exist. So instead of rightfully destroying Wisconsin and all of its backwards white trash inhabitants, it turned the area into an outdoor haven for hicks throughout the Midwest who can't afford a real vacation. Wisconsin is also a hot spot for severe thunderstorms, blizzards, tornadoes, and minor flooding. None of these have any real chance at wiping Wisconsin off the map, however.

Fortunately, there is still some hope. Wisconsin shares borders with two of the Great Lakes. If global warming - the only remaining political tool of dirty, pot-smoking hippies - does exist, it will cause these lakes to flood most of Wisconsin, turning the land into a boiling stew of cheese, beer, bratwurst, flannel jackets, 80s rock cassettes and the Dutch.

Wisconsin Cities

Jeffrey Dahmer's brain.

The average couple from Wisconsin.

Pickles is from Wisconsin.

Milwaukee: Allegedly Wisconsin's largest city. Supposedly a place that despite being within Wisconsin's borders has a people population that far outnumbers the cows including heavy concentrations of nigras, Mexicans and hipsters, still functioning factories, as well as miles of running and biking trails, and a huge art museum. However, because Wisconsin people are afraid of all of these things, no one has ever actually gone to Milwaukee to see if it really exists. It is widely suspected that Milwaukee was created by the media for news stories about black people and as a setting for lame nostalgic sitcoms. A highly credible, alternate theory states that Milwaukee did exist at one point, but that Jeffrey Dahmer ate the entire population between 1978 and 1991.

Madison: Wisconsin's communist hippy hatchery. Takes pride in being the "Berkeley of the Midwest" without regard for the fact that it's just like every other fucking college town in existence and that being like Berkeley is nothing to be proud of. Madisonians like to think they live in such a unique and intellectual city for being green, tolerant of fags, and believing in liberal policies. But they're really just unaware of how low the bar is set in a state where Green Acres and Hee Haw are considered cultural programming. The University of Wisconsin now admits more students from the east coast than from in-state as part of an ongoing 30-year plan to completely eliminate having to deal with people from Wisconsin by the year 2025. Perhaps realizing this noble goal may not be realized in time, and trying to get on the map internationally, the UW system ramped up student harvesting abroad to such a degree that UW-Madison may as well be some Asian metropolis. That is, a Asian metropolis filled with real deal hippies, hallways that smell like piss (likely, since alcohol may as well be the water source), restaurants that cost far too much for the generic food they serve, and liberal insanity that would make San Franciscoans blush. In 2011 Scott Walker PWNED Madison and took away their choo-choo. Eventually, the butthurt hippies decided to launch a "recall election" against Walker, failing to notice they have nothing to prove against a new governor. This was a total flop as Walker won the election by a massive margin after everyone nationwide thought he was toast. Walker, in fine Wisconsin tradition, has continued his excellent work trolling neighbors and liberals alike.

Kenosha: You know how even a mutant family still has the oddball/black sheep? Kenosha is that family member. The closest land to the open cesspit that is Illinois, it naturally picks up horrible traits from Chicago. In fact, it may as well not be in Wisconsin. Srsly, according to the census, it's a part of metropolitan Chicago. How much more of an insult do you need than that? Noted for looking nothing like the rest of Wisconsin as well, it nonetheless still has some family traits - namely, they love to get stone cold drunk. We think, anyways. It would be pretty shameful to be from Wisconsin and not get drunk. They're quite depressed, but that's understandable due to where they are. Having the most bars per capita in the world is a good clue. Has been experiencing heavy emigration from other parts of the country as well as Chicago for some reason we have yet to discover. If you go downtown you can pay 50 cents to get on a trolley that makes a loop to absolutely fucking nowhere. The streets are interestingly in a boring, unoriginal grid pattern that everyone can understand. Which can't really be said for our next entry...

Racine: Birthplace and homeland of Max Hardcore, nuff said. A French name, but oddly enough, there aren't many French cunts around. Instead, tons of Danish people moved here for reasons unknown. Called the "Belle City" for decades - while they tell you it's because the women are beautiful, in reality this is only half of the truth. They usually forget to mention nearly all the women turn into massive whores. Kind of makes the whole Max Hardcore thing make sense in retrospect, right? That's only the beginning, though. Racine was once a major industrial center; now, it just exports whores and wackos. In Racine, the stereotype that Catholic girls become whores isn't a stereotype, it's just scientific law. Kind and nice whores, yes. But the poon just doesn't end- most everyone loses their virginity before the end of middle school; many even by the end of elementary school. Believe us...it only seems odd when you actually leave Wisconsin. Also has a long history of interesting crime - Al Capone used Racine as his hideaway and storage of goods from Milwaukee to Chicago. The po-po still have John Dillinger's Tommy gun. Nowadays, gangsta teenagers like to think they're hardcore, but really they haven't done shit. For Christ's sake, only like two people have died from gang violence in the past few years! Pathetic! Hasn't felt the economic recession as much as other cities or states - no this is not due to Racine's economic dynamism, but because unemployment has been so consistently high for years that double digit unemployment elicits nothing more than a yawn. The only way to suffer worse from de-industrialization is to be like Detroit, and no one wants to do that. Understandable, this leads to a favorite pasttime of youngsters, which is to complain there is nothing to do in Racine, and vow they will leave as soon as they can. But most of them come back, eventually.

Green Bay: What you would get if Larry The Cable Guy got lost because he couldn't read, wandered north and designed a city that was granted an NFL franchise. Prides itself on its "family friendly" environment despite the fact that domestic violence doubles on days when the Packers lose and the majority of kids who grow up here become opioid/meth-addicts who work at Wal-Mart or sit home and collect disability checks. No one in Green Bay has any aspirations beyond killing animals and attending the next $10 all-you-can-drink night. They used to take pride in the Packers when they were led by the local Wrangler-wearing, smaller-dicked version of Jesus known as Brett Favre, but even he decided in 2008 that he could no longer stand to live around these freaks and the already astronomical local suicide rate increased accordingly.

Appleton: Exactly like Green Bay, but with less football teams and cheese. Has chronic butthurt from always being second to Green Bay. The city tries to be the cultural center of the region but due to the lack of real culture it continues to be another white trash shithole like Green Bay. Also responsible for producing the great American patriot Senator Joe McCarthy.

Lake Geneva and Door County: Elaborate tourist traps whose economies are dependent upon marginally-successful Chicago businessmen who can't afford to vacation somewhere that people actually want to go. The average vacationer in one of these places thinks "roughing it" means sleeping in a $30,000 camper. The entire county reeks of dead fish, which are eaten by tourists.

Famous Wisconsin residents

Peggy A Lautensschlager: Attorney General of the State of Wisconsin and Amalea's personal lawyer. Arrested DUI on February 23, 2004 and pled guilty, after driving off the road in a state-owned car .

• Brett Favre
• Senator Joseph Raymond McCarthy
• Jeffrey Dahmer
• ­Liberace
• Ed Gein
• A-Log's dad.
• Mike Nelson
• Max Hardcore
• the Violent Femmes
• 3/4 of the members of Garbage
• Sarah Butts
• Whitney Wisconsin
• Clayranger89
• Sonny Monroe
• Alex Mae Muholland
• He11sing920

Featured article April 6 & 7, 2016
Preceded by Rosa Parks	Wisconsin	Succeeded by LifeInATent