SIDS

SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome A.K.A. Postpartum Abortion) is a hilarious form of birth control, courtesy of Mother Nature, deciding that your retarded rape-offspring is too ugly for this world, because you decided to mount a fat cow who didn't do anal. This sudden impact of death, is even more hilarious in light of the fact that the ugly hippo you knocked up has to carry the abomination for 9 months before going into the labour for long hours, while in severe pain, only to see the fruits of her effort choke on its own fat tongue.

Causes Of SIDS

There are many causes of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, most of which boil down to neglect of some sort. By far the most common cause is choking on the cock of the father. After giving birth, the vagina of the mother is ruined forever, an enormous and flabby tunnel inside which is no pleasure whatsoever. It is only natural, then, that the father may then creep into the room of the newborn infant, and get the pleasure from the infant he can no longer get from its mother. In the moment, many fathers neglect to remember infants need to breathe, and so the baby expires with not a whimper, but a gurgle. The glossy sheen of lubricant in the throat of an infant is a dead giveaway, but only the internet really cares about dead babies, so it goes unnoticed.

Mothers too can be to blame. Women are generally incompetent, but especially when it comes to raising children. If they are not watched constantly, women may forget the baby isn't a human being yet, and bore it to death with talk of shoes, boys, and periods. She may also forget the baby entirely, starving it of attention and food, and leading to its untimely death.

SIDS can also be a form of suicide, the infant equivalent of Postpartum Depression. When an infant sees the fat weepy sack of shit it will have to call mother for the next eighteen years, it can lose all hope and simply cease breathing, to avoid spending even one more second in the presence of so loathsome a sub-human. This is really the best outcome for all parties, because the baby never has to suffer, and the mother has a great new story to tell at parties. Win-win.

SIDS is when mothers with post-partum depression smother their babies and no-one wants to admit it. It's that simple, and anything to the contrary is a lie.

How To Avoid SIDS

Given that Mother Nature is pretty good at making sure infants die young, we here at ED wanted to help make sure you don't help it in any way, you sick fuck. So here is a perfect illustration of the causes of the hilarity that is SIDS:

SIDS Research

More research could be done to learn about SIDS, but for some reason, every time someone is hired to watch children sleep for hours on end, terrible things happen. From this research, it can confidently be stated that anyone at all interested in the habits of infants are just baby fuckers. Research also indicates that women whose child dies of SIDS react emotionally to being accused of killing their children, a sure sign of guilt. They also frown on being asked for tips on how to kill your own infant and get away with it. So in deference to their delicate feelings, simply thank them for killing their child, and offer your help should they have another baby needing choked.

A more controversial diagnosis is Sudden Child Death Syndrome. SCDS is normally caused by divorce, poverty, or criminal acts by the father. SCDS manifests itself as children hanging from the ceiling or spontaneously developing multiple gunshot wounds, normally in their sleep. These symptoms vary from SIDS because children are harder to kill than their infant equivalents, and so more drastic tactics must be employed. The parents of children who die of SCDS deserve far more sympathy than parents of SIDS babies, because SCDS takes away a human being with personality and aptitudes, instead of a floppy weeping sack of stem cells with no purpose.