Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

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PTSD

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is the modern name for a condition originally known as shellshock but renamed as battle fatigue, operational oxhaustion and finally post-traumatic stress disorder by successive generations of manchildren who got better and better at covering up reality with euphemisms. It is a mental condition caused by being in a fucked up war and then coming home and being unable to brag about your mad skillz because your bullshit country is too politically correct. Frustrated by this, people with PTSD tend to try and look for other outlets for their emotion such as heroin, country music and religion.

Like most genuine diseases, PTSD has it's fair share of fakers trying to cash in on the benefits you get from having PTSD. A lot of modern claimants are potheads claiming they got PTSD when Hillary lost the election.

Not to be confused with PMS - which is far more horrifying to experience and even more horrifying to witness.

Causes of PTSD

Every time a comic-con model gets ogled by a greasy nerd, she will wake up in cold sweats for the rest of her life. Pretty much every time a supposedly “hard ass operator alpha male” sees the teensy, tiniest bit of blood, they proceed to piss themselves and cry about it for the next twenty years or so. PTSD is, in short, the chronic inability to man the fuck up. Any time you are pushed out of your comfort zone, chances are you have been put at great risk of contracting PTSD. Someone gave you a negative critique on DeviantArt? PTSD. Screen saver pop up while you're watching a YouTube video? Post. Traumatic. Stress. Disorder. Wait 21 minutes for your pizza? Pop a celebratory Xanax! You are forever scarred, and need to be treated with deference befitting your condition. Just being Mexican is apparently enough to cause PTSD.

Legitimate Reasons To Have PTSD

Some argue these are IRL reasons to pull out your own hair and eat it. Others are inflicted with a sense of sadism and feel that the fact these were real events, which happened to real people and left them badly traumatized is funny. Who can blame them?

A Known cause of Post Traumatic Stress

	“	Poor MAJ Porcella was crushed against the instrument panel and either unconscious or dead. His right anklebones were fractured and sticking through the nylon of his boot. I tried to free Porcella by cutting his seatbelt and moving his. However, I was unable to. The chopper burned up and I suffered burns on my hands and buttocks and had my pants burned off. While trying to free Porcella, some of the M-60 rounds cooked off and I took a round through the left shoulder and neck. My left wrist and left collarbone were broken in the crash, and I lost or broke 7 upper teeth... Except for some arthritis and prostate trouble, I'm doing great.	„
	—Vietnam Vet, told with no mention of PTSD whatsoever.

	“	Japanese soldiers again started selecting prisoners of war to eat. Those selected were taken to a hut where their flesh was cut from their bodies while they were alive and they were thrown into a ditch where they later died.	„
	—Tojos are a viable excuse for PTSD.

	“	The painful cries and shrieks of the tortured Patsey, mingling with the loud and angry curses of Epps [the slave master whipping her] loaded the air. She was terribly lacerated — I may say, without exaggeration, literally flayed. The lash was wet with blood...	„
	—One can only imagine how scarred the slave master was after this ordeal.

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Less Legitimate Reasons To Have PTSD

As though being raped, blown up or mutilated was not funny enough, there are plenty of people who haven't been traumatized but like to pretend they have been. For some reason they think this means they will receive sympathy. They have clearly not been on the internet for long.

	“	They would call me fat and ugly, a slut, a slag, they would call me every name under the sun and these people don't even know me! I did join college last year and I was going to a Catering class but I didn't enjoy it at all! Every day I kept getting flashbacks of the bullying, the horrific things that they said about me, etc. Would all that I have been through be classed as trauma because I can barely get tasks done throughout the day because I keep thinking about everything bad that's happened to me.	„
	—Some dumb snowflake cunt.

	“	I was just wondering if PTSD can be brought on by traumatic (or very stressful) life events other than the usual ones (ie; war, abuse, rape, torture, the death of a loved one, natural disaster, etc). For example, can PTSD be brought on by an event such as the loss of a beloved pet?	„
	—As she flashed to flushing her hamster.

	“	I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1998 due to delayed grief among other things. I too have long term memory problems, one of my worst memory problems was the fact that my delayed grief was due to the false memory of seeing someone die.	„
	—Imagining things can scar you for life. Imagine that.

	“	A group of people with no previous mental health problems were tested by researchers from the university's psychology department, wherein they were made to see video containing disturbing images such as fatal road accidents and human surgery. It was seen that all the participants who played Tetris had the minimal number of flashbacks, in comparison to the other groups. The highest number of flashbacks were reported for the group playing the game Pub Quiz.	„
	—New Rule: any disease induced with videos and cured with Tetris is bullshit.

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A Very Grave Example of PTSD

Completely bullshit reasons to have PTSD

Your parents survived the Holocaust. Or even your grandparents. Hell, who knows how many generations of scheming Jews will have a financial claim against Germany for the next few centuries because of some shit theory that relies on a heritable mechanism that is totally unknown to science ("they may have a chemical coating on their chromosomes that would act as a sort of biological memory"). The Jews and their lies: Nevar forget.

Living With PTSD

Step 1. Don't

Step 2. Ways to milk your PTSD

Failing Step 1, PTSD offers a mass "get out of jail free" card to many situations in life. It makes a bold play that A). You have a mental problem, which you twist into disability, B). Are a veteran of a war, as PTSD is often associated with war, AND C). because of my syndrome. You can use this to talk your way out of a ticket, or into the pants of some chick you poured drinks down until she found you attractive or interesting. The best part is...no proof required. Much like the fabled Aspergers and bipolar disorder, you can self-diagnose and just make shit up as you go along. You can claim whatever dumbfucked tragedy you want, and because people are so sympathetic these days, you'll be swatting at sympathy pussy all day and night.

Things to do with your PTSD

• Act like a faggot.
• Blame everything on your syndrome.
• Drive like a fucking retard.
• Back out of activities you don't like because IT CAUSES PTSD FLASHBACKS.
• Feign alarm at the fireworks you've been waiting for all night.
• Pretend to be freaked out by a shoebox on the freeway.
• Get almost raped.
• Act like a wounded bird your entire life.

Notable victims

• Tawneelynne
• Kale
• Snake
• PTSD Clarinet Boy
• Samus
• Melody Hensley

External Links

Petition to bankrupt the US militrary.
A forum fit for trolling if ever there was one.
When you need help, turn to Amazon
A place for Catholics to stop causing PTSD and help others deal with PTSD.
A gathering place for the incredibly retarded and perminantly scarred.

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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is part of a series on Psychology

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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is part of a series on Diseases and Disorders