Alzheimer's
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Alzheimer's is the last chance for adults to act like kids before being forced to act as dirt. Common pastimes include soiling oneself, abusing prescription medication, and acts of exhibitionism. It is widely accepted that any elderly person doing anything remotely lulzy is under the influence of Alzheimer’s disease, and so is not in the least culpable for their actions. This prospect serves as the only hope for the aging conniseur of the lulz, and serves an excellent answer as to what to plan for in retirement. Anyone with actual Alzheimer's should be dragged outside the city gates to die of neglect, to avoid encumbering those with meaningful lives to lead.
Causes
Alzheimer's disease results from plaque in the brain. This means, much like teeth, neglected brains will inevitably decay into a disgusting, useless shell of their former self, incapable of eating, or in the case of Alzheimer's, uttering three coherent words. This does of course mean that Alzheimer's is entirely the fault of the person with the disease. Should they have read a book or gone to a museum once in their lives, they wouldn't be encumbering their families and friends with diaper changing and force feeding. Sadly, the victim subsisted on evening news and chain emails, and now must suffer forgetting everything and forcing everyone they know to watch them die in slow motion. Most old people do not have Alzheimer's. Most old people are bored with pureed food and bingo night, and decide to act like children.
Symptoms
The Alzheimer, invariably retired, will eat or smoke continuously, as they have nothing to do with their time. They will refuse to bathe, as they have no one to impress. When forcibly dragged into public, they will constantly scream and swear, as they have been alone for so long they have actually forgotten how to act around other humans. Unused skills, such as personal hygiene, interpersonal interaction, and logic are jettisoned to better serve the need to sit up straight and opening bags of potato chips. Slowly, even these simple tasks will become too much, and a formerly functional adult is rendered a drooling, slack-jawed retard, taking breaks from staring at walls only long enough to shit themselves.
Cure
Contrary to popular belief, there exists an effective solution to the problem of Alzheimer's. The death of an Alzheimer means no more Easter eggs under the Christmas tree, no more jogging in the park with an open bathrobe, no more drinking out of the toilet and shitting in the kitchen sink. The joy of Alzheimer's is that unlike your childhood dog or women you keep chained in the basement, an Alzheimer is incapable of finding their way home. Obviously a highway median is a poor choice for abandonment, but if you get far enough away from civilization, the Alzheimer will die of thirst long before any human being will find them. There are also numerous techniques for ending life quickly and without a great deal of pain. Ask /b/ for the recipe of anything, and the first ten results will contain such methods.
Faking Alzheimer's
Moar info: Augusto Pinochet.
Moar info: Greville Janner.
A definitive Alzheimer's diagnosis can require a great deal of testing, time, and money. Luckily, there is no shortage of overworked and overbooked general practitioners more than happy to diagnose you with most any condition based on a ten minute interview. Let them know you are suffering from short term memory loss, losing objects, mood swings, and missing appointments. Be sure to miss your first doctor's appointment. Odds are good you'll be diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Make sure to get it in writing. Fax your excuse note to friends, family, and law enforcement, and kick back naked in your front yard and masturbate to some Nazi furry porn to celebrate your immunity. Now you can skip whatever obligations you may have, expose yourself to whomever you wish, and collect a healthy disability check for your troubles. Just make sure not to take the medication meant for people with actual Alzheimer's, because excepting the nootropics, they will fuck your shit up. It should be noted this may not apply to those countries with functional healthcare systems, in which case, see Fibromyalgia.
Alzheimer's Card
The Alzheimer's card is the shriveled up uncle of the autism card, and much like it's young virile nephew, the Alzheimer's card can be used to excuse absolutely anything. A formerly asocial unpleasant asshole becomes a poor old victim of a terrible disease once the Alzheimer’s card is played. There is nothing that cannot be excused with the Alzheimer's card. Ronald Reagan played it when refusing to admit to treason, so your odds of getting off on charges of indecent exposure or petty theft are pretty good. The unpleasant truth is that most people are terrible people, and all white people look the same, so an angry old person confusing people for other people is to be expected. It should be noted no black people get Alzheimer's, as they have been given everything they want by Abraham Lincoln, and so die at forty of heart disease or diabetes. There are actual Alzheimer's cards, with a short explanation of the condition and an address to return the Alzie to. Keeping cards with the address of the home, the local grocery, and the local strip club will facilitate living without transportation. simply pull down your pants and hand out the cards until someone takes you where you need to go.
Videos
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Gallery
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Scientists have made a breakthrough! -
Dos Equis man weighs in on the crisis. -
Ironically, alcohol does cause early onset Alzheimer's. -
Alzheimer's people are still capable of comedy.
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Tyler Durden is an expert on forgetting things. -
The only used function on the site. -
Alzheimer's Association lends some advice on treatment.
