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Owen Wilson
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FUCK YEAH ALERT: EDiots are SEAKING the next sock of Owen Wilson. |
Owen Wilson, a poorly aging 38-year-old actor-slash-faux-comedian, may be spotted in far too many “films” with his ugly step-twin, Ben Stiller, and is noted for bizarre -- and failed --attempts at comedy as “You, Me, and Dupree”. Born in outer Redneckistan, his nose has gradually expanded through numerous attempts to do plastic surgery on the cheap and/or the fly, and is believed to be the source of his current troubled life. Nearly two years after starring in the sole movie anyone actually saw, Wedding Crashers, his star fades with all the grace of Tonya Harding. His slide into obscurity has become a source of deep shame to him and his family, and Mr. Wilson decided that something must be done to once again command the attention he believes he so rightly deserves.
Attention Whoring 101: Owen's An Hero Attempt
Owen's first and only girlfriend, Kate Hudson, realizing that her ongoing attachment to a sad trainwreck of movie “star” was fast becoming an insurmountable hurdle to box-office success, dumped his ass in May 2007, and a great depression descended on Mr. Wilson. Owen spent uncountable hours weeping, attempting to reason how, precisely, he was going to reclaim his reputation and relationship with his estranged family. Three months later, he finally had the revelation which ultimately all attention whores have. Suddenly enlightened, a newly determined Owen decided to “attempt suicide”. Too much of a pussy to handle the pain, he downed a bottle of pills, waited for them to kick in, and ‘’then’’, only knowing what how it would look if they found him passed out, bloodless-yet-knife-in-hand, slit the bejesus out of his wrists and called 911. After being rushed to the hospital and stabilized, Owen, knowing that claiming such bullshit as “exhaustion” or “dehydration” always increases the media spotlight, had his spokesperson claim exactly that. After leaking news of his so-called “suicide attempt”, smug as always, Owen, aware of the attention his words would bring, had this to say:
—Owen Wilson | ||
Unfortunately for Owen, this level of fucktardedness is quite transparent, and the spotlight will, inexorably, float away again. Hopefully, his next step will to actually become an hero.
Owen Wilson: Rimjob Enthusiast
In 2005, the New York Post's Page Six gossip column took a break from their stellar reporting on Paris Hilton to make the following aside:
—NY Post - on Owen Wilson | ||
This story was swiftly picked up by the good, through creepily obsessed folks at Defamer, and was spread to the other parts of the intarwebz. Finally, Pwnt Wilson basically admitted that the story was in fact true in an interview with Rolling Stone:
—Owen Wilson, on licking some slut's asshole | ||
Owen Wilson: Crackhead
One has to wonder how Owen's nose got to be the way it is. The answer is quite simple: An out of control, raging, cocaine addiction that rivaled that of Nicole Bitchie. In 1972, while spending time with his friend Ben Stiller, the two got bored and decided to "spice things up" with a dose of "magical fairy dust". Wilson immediately fell in love with the miracle drug, and quickly developed a destructive habit. Years later, he went to snort up another hit, and realized that his nose was no longer there, having been eaten away by cocaine. After whoring himself on the street, he amassed a sum of roughly $15810957812168101, and gave his BFF Michael a call. After three days of reconstructive plastic surgery, Owen's new (Albeit even moar hideous) nose was squirted out into the world.
Owen Wilson's next mistake was to pal up with Steve Coogan. Now Steve Coogan is an UK character comedian and invented various characters, including Alan Partridge and Paul and Pauline Calf, and can snort coke and drink booze like a Republican Senator. Basically, you are fail before you start even before you THINK about trying to keep up with Steve Coogan.
World of Owen Fan Club
For some unknown reason, Wilson has a internet fan club called World of Owen, full of 16 year old girls that wouldn't mind wrapping their lips around his windpipe. The community is run by Lilly Ella, and contains many Wilson brother fantards that write dirty Fan Fiction about Owen, and, quite naturally, make horrific fan art.
Owen's Semi-Fictional Suicide Attempt
Owen decided to kill himself because he was in love with his step sister, and he was crushed to find out she formally had a relationship with his best friend. (who, in the movie was played by his brother)
Owen stood in his bathroom and whispered to himself "I am going to kill myself tomorrow". Then, ominously, Elliott Smith's Needle in the Hay began to play. Owen then cut off all his hair, and shaved his shaggy beard. He picked up a razor blade, and made multiple incisions across both his wrists. As Needle in the Hay began to climax, it stopped along with all other audio. A mildly autistic boy entered the room to see Mr. Wilson lying bloody on the ground. The boy screamed, but to audience it was inaudible. The song resumed playing while a shot of Owen being rushed into a hospital on a stretcher followed by the rest of the Tenenbaums. Owen wrote a suicide note after he tried to kill himself. Supposedly, it was very dark.
Fan Fiction Horrors
Excerpt from some Starsky and Hutch slash: The effect of the sedatives were beginning to wear off. Hutch's lids felt like bricks. He could barely manage to open them. On top of that, his vision was blurry and the light seared his sockets. After a few seconds, Hutch realized he wasn't alone.
"Good morning, Angel", came a soft, baritone voice.
Hutch's eyes widened in alarm. Big Earl eyed Hutch like a piece of candy. One of his large, rough hands reached up to lightly caress Hutch's cheek.
"I've been watching you sleep", Big Earl cooed. "You're beautiful when you sleep. Did you know that?"
Hutch instinctively pulled away, but his arms were restrained by ropes to the bed posts. Uh....No", was all he could manage to say. His rolling stomach made him want to vomit.
"This is kind of fate, don't you think? I mean, I could tell there was something between us when you came to vistit me at in jail. I know you it too, didn't you, you sexy dragon?"
What the fuck is going on, he was thinking? One minute he was about to get off with a gorgeous blonde, the next some scary dude was stroking his leg. Being tied up, there was little chance of stopping Big Earl from doing whatever he wanted. In his mind, Hutch saw the two dragons scene from the prison playing out for real, but with Big Earl. He was terrified. Somehow he had to talk his way out of this one and he had to make it good. "Listen, Big Earl..."
A lone finger covered Hutch's mouth. "Sshhh. Don't say anything. Just let me look at you".
Hutch lay frozen with fear. Big Earl's hand moved closer to the one place Hutch didn't want a man to go. "Be very quiet", Big Earl whispered. Hutch wondered why.
An excerpt from a Zoolander Crossover with...Lilo and Stitch?: Meet Stitch. He's not an ordinary animal. In fact, he's not an animal at all! He's an experimental creation exiled to Earth for all eternity. No need to fortify your house though, Stitch was made a "model citizen" by a young girl named Lilo and has been living his life pleasantly in the islands of Hawaii.
When Lilo and Stitch go on a business trip with Nani, Lilo's older sister, Stitch accidentally causes mayhem in the New York airport and finds himself lost in The Big Apple. With only a piece of paper with the scribbled address of where Lilo is staying, Stitch has to become "street savvy" in order to find his way back to his family.
Derek Zoolander's Center for Children Who Can't Read Good has been running smoothly for the past three months. Unfortunately, Mugatu is back to his sinister ways again and he's seeking revenge on Derek and Hansel for ruining his chance at destroying the Prime Minister of Malaysia. To get back at the two simpletons, Mugatu declares to the mayor of N.Y.C. that the center only teaches children how to be models and doesn't teach them how to read.
In order to save their children's center, Derek, Hansel, and Maury have to prove to the mayor and the council that they teach more than just how to become models.
Stitch and Hansel form an unlikely friendship as they both promise to help each other out.
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| Featured article August 29, 2007 | ||
| Preceded by Skuee |
Owen Wilson | Succeeded by Larry Craig |