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Music

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Not an accurate representation.
Accurate representation.

Music is the sound that comes out of your radio in between the commercials, that droning noise you hear in elevators and supermarkets, and the blips and bloops in the background of video games. Some people take this shit way too seriously. The type of music they upload to their iPod often determines what kind of pussy they go for, what clothes they wear, who they're allowed to make friends with, and even how they speak. But lets be honest here, would you fuck a Juggalo?

Musicians

BWAHHH!

The people who are considered those who, if standards can be set low enough, create and play music. Musicians come in a variety of shapes and sizes but their ability to perform is usually at an immeasurable low of record terribleness. It's a commonly known fact that everyone's band sucks as do all the people in those bands, including you. While some marginally talented assholes manage to become popular and find success a vast majority never will leaving the world constantly littered with failed music groups. Most musicians have the collective maturity of a livejournal community such as rock stars who are entitled to act like glorified children due to their fame and fortune. This lack of success doesn't affect the exceedingly high level of self importance held by the rest of the music world despite their populations of rich and beautiful individuals with obvious talent and originality.

Musicians can be separated into two categories: professional and amateur. Professional musicians are the greedy assholes who pump out mind numbing music tumors slowly killing the cancer victim known as modern music. Amateur musicians are their laughably shitty counterparts who can't rise to the challenge of excellence set by liquor hungry blackies looking to sell you some rap CD's. The Internet being the world wide gutter that it is houses the works and members of many amateur bands. Both groups are renowned for their horrific efforts to destroy all pleasure music provides but both approaches vary quite a bit from one another.

Professionals

Professional musicians help ruin music by ensuring that no original thought mistakenly finds its way into any songs meant to be heard by the public. Hipsters would have you believe that a band is only good during a golden era of uncorrupted non-commercialized art production in a magical land of coffee shops and mac books, but they are wrong. All musicians yearn to sell out and cash in on their doomed notoriety as soon as possible. Due to this dynamic all professional music is filled with whores who only bother pretending to have any promise until they achieve commercial gain.

Depending on the genre of music, popular bands and their members, typically, will shamelessly rape a sub-culture for its image and sound. Each genre of music is often represented by equally pathetic attention whores.

Humble Entertainers

Amateurs

Anyone can be in an amateur band! All it takes is a complete lack of music theory, an inability to operate a single instrument, and a myspace page. Amateur musicians tend to be borderline war criminals guilty of killing any sliver of happiness left in the human soul. This is caused by the same reason that allows anyone to become an artist; letting everyone try to produce sound results in deafening sound abominations unfit to walk the same frequency of hearing. There are at least one trillion new bands formed every moment and roughly that number break up during that same time.

Previous Video | Next Video

How To Start An Amateur Band

  • Buy your first guitar and tiny amp from your local pawn shop for no more than $50(make sure that it's decent, as in the neck's still intact, not high quality).
  • Learn to play the power chords from "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Completely fuck up the timing.
  • Play it, and a few other super-easy songs that you learned from incorrect tabs on Ultimate Guitar over and over and over and over.
  • Play the first 20 seconds of "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple in front of your friends.
  • Think you are amazingly good because your friends praise you, when in reality, they only think you're good because they've never seen someone play a guitar in real life before.
  • Find a drummer with a chin-length mop for hair at your middle school and get him to start a totally awesome/sweet band with you.
  • Let his bass-playing friend join your band even though you've never seen him before and he only knows how to play one string.
  • Post a picture of your band on /b/ along with a GET number, and have a random anon name your band "The Three Faggoteers"
  • Buy a karaoke microphone from Radio Shack and start singing hideously off-key into it.
  • Practice every other Saturday in mop-top's garage. Be sure to never learn anything more complex or interesting than "Come As You Are" by Nirvana.
  • Think your band rocks the house because you're kinda able to play "Animals" by Nickelback and you only fuck up thirteen or fourteen dozen times.
  • Try to think up a band name that you and your bandmates find ingenious, such as:
    • Pepto Abysmal
    • You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter
    • A Clockwork Mandarin
    • Death by Road Head
  • Play at your school's annual battle of the bands travesty, up against the goth kids' band Everlasting Eternia Agony, the raver kid's band Ecstasy, and the punk kids' band Fuck The System.
  • Win the contest because all the other bands played songs that they wrote, and you played a cover of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer and the judges like that song.
  • Kill yourself to boost your band's fame. The drummer will go on to make it big as a vocalist.
  • ????
  • PROFIT!!! (This is possibly the longest step-by-step.)

How To Promote Your Music

Talented Individuals

Music and The Internets

In Soviet Russia, music pirates YOU!
What the average person on the internet listens to.

Once upon a time, music was free on the internet. Raping the system via Napster and similar programs, internet users have shaped the way music is marketed and consumed. The industry thinks one day it might succeed at keeping you from downloading illegal music, but it is wrong. Maybe one day they'll give up.

Since 99% of the internet listens to complete shit, you'll find it easy to make the types that everybody else is listening to. By doing this you will make a fortune. Why do you think so many people get in the music business?

Sex, Drugs, ????, Profit! That's Why! Make a shitload of $$$, blowjobs every night, and a feeling of accomplishment.

Some people also use the internet to tell you why their favorite band is better than yours at sites like this. THEY DESERVE DELICIOUS RAEP. YOU MUST GIVE IT TO THEM.

Places for Legitimate Sharing of Non-Copyrighted Data

The Internet has never been one to take advantage of sacred and precious intellectual property statute especially not music. Instead people gleefully trade legal privately owned self created bits of data that others might be interested in possessing. Such programs used in the sharing of music legal files include:

  • Limewire - a P2P virus sharing program that tricks people into trying to use it to download music and videos. Also note, do not search for the band Cream, you won't find what you're looking for. Was it really that hard to pay out the $6.99 for that crappy music?
  • BitTorrent - used by basement dwelling virgins to download massive amounts of shitty music in insanely large folders filled with everything but music. It is estimated that over 35% of the Internet’s traffic is found on the bittorrent protocol. It will forcefully sodomize your internet connection until your ISP cock block's you. Created in 2001 by programmer who after finally realizing that he would need more people using the protocol to download warez, loli, and illegally shared music files faster, uncorked this genie. The internet has not been the same since.

Music in the Last 25 years

Rock

The music scene in the 80s made lots of British teenagers horribly depressed, who all decided to wear heavy eye liner and read vampire books. Goth music would turn into Shoegaze. so aptly named for their zombiesque stage presence. Eventually people started calling this music Indie. Bands like Pavement were too pussy for fans of mainstream hard rock, which was called Grunge at this point. Indie remains somewhat underground, but advertised mercilessly by Hipsters who think they have deck musical taste.

Grunge had American teenagers looking homeless on purpose until Nirvana took itself out with a shotgun. As we all watched bands like Stone Temple Pilots and Alice in Chains burn out, Rock started to get really queer. Britpop bands like Oasis ushered in a wave of faggy Alternative Rock. This is the Rock Genres present form, with bands like Coldplay, Snowpatrol and some dancy bullshit topping the Rock Charts. Just like everything else in Asia, the Japanese have turned rock into a complete cartoon. J-Rock is played by gothic traps that look like they popped right out of FFXIII, and J-pop is sugar flavored electronica blasted over 11 year old azn moonspeak.

Hip-Hop

NWA: One of the music industry's greatest trolls.

Hip-hop started in New York in the 1970s when niggas got sick of trying to come up with original content and started stealing the drum breaks out of dance songs. MCs make fun of the crowd and talk themselves up over the shitty patchwork "music", until two MC's eventually get in a flame war with each other. Crews be called out, niggas be makin dey Mama's cry. Same shit different decade. The current rap feud is because Ice T told Soulja Boy to suck a dick. If rap artists didn't pull this "war" shit every few months, sales would drop and they wouldn't have any cash to pay those lovely big-assed niggettes. It is noted that hip hop causes severe brain damage. Nowadays white people too are catching up to the trend of singing random rhymes in a verse and acting dumb, thanks to the influence of popular wiggers like Eminem and Vanilla Ice.


What white people believe all Hip-Hop songs are about.
Typical Techno fans.

Electronic

Electronic or Techno music started in the late 70s when a bunch of blissed out fags from Chicago started fucking with disco tape loops and turntables, just like the Hip-hop kids. These guys had way better drugs though, and House came to be. Meanwhile, at the same time over in Europe, some nerds like Giorgio Moroder & the members of Telex decided to take electronic synthesizers & make entire disco songs out of them, usually with a conventional drum kit for the beat. While fans of this music will claim that the differences between electronic genres are vast, it is obviously a lie, except maybe for electronic disco. Trance, Drum and Bass, Happy Hardcore ect. ect. are all just bass-heavy samples, with someone speaking ambiguously about God and Sex over the track for Raver candy asses to listen to while rolling in Ibiza. Goths listen to electronic called Industrial, but if you've ever used power tools, you've heard what that sounds like. If subtlety is your kind of thing check out Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music, and you'll know so much about it. Your damn brain will explode from useless information.

Punk and Metal

I'll bet you've never seen anyone who looked like this. What an individual.

As mentioned before, Punk Rock was really about being drunk and bloody, but eventually it turned into a bunch of city based cliques who brawled constantly over THE QUESTION: Who were real punks FIRST????? Punk split into Hardcore, Pop Punk, Street Punk Oi! and Rockabilly. The Rockabilly kids really all just want to be the otaku version of Johnny Cash, Street Punks are the mental midgets you see with the stinking awful hair and dumb jackets, the Pop kids just was to slap some skin, and the Hardcore kids are too mad to engage in intercourse with out screaming about The System, and Oi! punk is also called "streetpunk" and is mostly saying that get shitfaced and unarmed assault police officers is bright, utterly retarded and it's mostly Skinheads who listen to this. Metal on the otherhand just has pussy-ass toneless shrieking that makes the singer sound like his penis is being pulled off. Grindcore is by far the best thing to come out of all this, seeing as it is superior to punk and metal in everyway. Bands like Agoraphobic Nosebleed make metal look childish.


Quality music. You can understand the lyrics.

Punk influenced and intermixed with Metal, which like Techno, has over 9,000 different sub-genres that all sound the same. The aim is to scream like you are dealing or being dealt the worst pain ever, over incredibly slow or fast Doom riffs (because you can obvz have fast doom riffs). Remember Death Metal and similar genres scream low, and Black Metal scream high.

Punk was destroyed by Nancy Spungen, who got Sid Vicious onto heroin - drug of choice for losers and fuckups. If they'd stayed on the real punk drug - speed - music history might be a little different. Courtney Love was never a tenth batshit insane as Nancy, try as hard as she might. Some people - notably Chrissy Hynde - survived punk.

BANNED IN RUSSIA.

Emo

Emo was born from the unholy union between hardcore punk, pop punk and indie rock. It was originally short for "Emotional Hardcore", which even the original bands thought was pussy, but has since then come to describe the faggot obsessed culture of whiners coming out of the worlds suburbs. Emo went from being a screamy punk genre, to being a faggy pop fad like shoegaze, to turning into a subculture, which conveniently came with its own store in the mall. While this subculture deserves all the hate thrown at it, Emo has also become the catch all phrase used by confounded Jocks to describe any music played by a fashionable hair cut. The whole thing is so fucking over the top on both sides, it's even got regular Joes like you and me depressed, and that's a problem.

In short...pure, utter, shit

Bands: My Chemical Romance, Sunny Day Real Estate, AFI, The Used

Classic Hits of The 60s, 70s and 80s

You thought Emo was responsible for gender androgyny in music? HA!

Rock swelled into the mainstream with The Beatles who started hanging out with the beatniks and potheads. This is about the time that Chuck Berry shit had to go. The hair got longer, the clothes came off faster, and showers were being had less and less often. Suddenly the Vietnam War broke out, and Rock and Roll music began to scare white middle class Americans. In the 1960's rose the god of all music genres, Free Jazz. A genre in which crazy niggers and white folks all over the world would play random forms of jazz, without caring about what anyone was thinking, ergo de facto, free jazz musicians were great trolls.

In the meantime, in industrial black cities like Detroit, black musicians decided to give real artistic integrity just one more shot before giving in to whitey. They called it Motown after Detroit, and was just popped up jazz singing, usually about fucking. Motown began to fizzle out, and Funk took its place. Funk is all about being a coked up nigger with bass guitar skills. Jamaicans with better access to weed than heroin turned Motown into Ska, which became popular in England and in The OC in the 90s. Watching the rise of rock while constantly high drove ska musicians to create Reggae.

Those scared white people we were talking about earlier started to get bored of Teen Angel, so they took elements of Motown and Funk, added a dance beat, and Disco was born. Funk and Disco festered throughout the whole 1970s, while Rock went from Hippy political bullshit to heavy nerd songs about lightning and dragons. Electronic music was also starting to gain a following with left overs from the beat era.

In the late 70s Elvis shat out his life and shitty drunk kids started being assholes on stage as an ad campaign for new trousers. Punk Rock caught western societies apathetic youth and taught them how to drink and fight. While initially pretty "cute", Punk Rock turned into an international trolling contest. Metal took Punk intensity and heavy riffs from bands like Black Sabbath, played at 33⅓ rather than 78 RPM. Eventually people started screaming lyrics about cutting babies out of cunts, and maggot filled eyeballs. Rock during this period was being played by massively flaming faggots with gigantic fucking hair and retarded electronic synthesizers.

Religious Music

Like everything, from video games to birth control, Christfags just can't stand to be left out of the loop and often seek to put their own unique spin onto everything they attempt to inflict their crazy Jesus rhetoric onto. Molesting the music genre with their love of a zombie preacher of course has been a long standing Christian tradition, which has inspired such wondrous gems like the following:

Music before the 1960s

Classical brilliance

After banging on things and shouting in time with said banging got boring, music slowly evolved to include instruments, structure and lyrical meaning. Back in the day musicians were hobos, getting paid to travel around and make shit up to entertain passerby. Eventually music was looked at as an art form, instead of just a good way to remember ridiculous stories about God or the king.

Classical Music is usually associated with that bullshit with way too many instruments, played by aspies in tuxedos. While certainly the most popular form of Classical music, instrumentals with violins and tubas aren't the only type. Opera is also quite poplar among NPR listening liberals and arrogant Harvard educated elitists. Choral music, also known as A Capella, is easily recognized due to its prominence at Christmas, in churches, and Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?. This genre of music is demanding on its musicians, requiring personal sacrifices up to and including castration. srsly. Naturally azns are drawn to it.

Blind Lemon Jefferson

Blues music started when ex-slaves' fingers healed up from all that pickin'. Quickly tiring of massa's God songs, they decided to start using shitty home made instruments to write songs about why being a nigger fux0r sux0rz. Oddly enough, whenever blacks complain artistically, white people take the idea, water it down, and make millions. Blues tends to be a specialty of the blind, as evidenced by musicians such as Blind Willie Johnson, Blind Lemon Jefferson, and Blind Melon Jammer. In the case of blues, rednecks have replaced champagne and reefer with Busch Beer and Crystal meth, creating Zydeco. Read on for MOAR of this trend.

Jazz is also Darkie music. In a more calculated effort, drug addled musicians began making classical music that makes 16 year old girls want to fuck due to its upbeat tempos and "swinging" style of play. Whites couldn't handle all the sexy dancing going on and stole the genre to make Big Band and eventually Smooth Jazz, God help us.

A typical country music singer.

The Whitebread effort of the day is what we call Country Western music. Evolving from the Drunken Irish whining happening in the Appalachian valley in the 20th century it borrowed from the Bluegrass folk music of the time and stole a bit from Blues as well. In the beginning it started off about wanting to be drunk and get into trouble, but quickly evolved to celebrate U.S. southern white trash culture.

Folk music is the simple traditional music of any culture, folk music has become the soap box for every bleeding heart to spray their ideals at the public. Usually played on an acoustic guitar, or some other non-electronic instrument, because hippies can't afford that shit, and you can't force pedestrians to listen if you're locked up at home.


In the 1950s musicians started blending these genres together, naming it Rock n' Roll, which is a double entente for fucking. While this genre was initially pretty harmless, it's always been weird. Just look at Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. As the weirdness amplified itself, so did anti-social behaviors such as indiscriminate drug-fueled orgies, which brings us to the turning point...

Producerfags

The truth is wet.
File:Fl pentagram.jpg
Typical use of FL Studio


Producerfags are typically 13 year old kids that post their music on 'Jewgrounds' w/ pornographic pictures and think they are professional producers. An example of the above:


Cubase - A program which fills your screen with over 9000 dialog and plugin boxes. MDI is the cancer that was killing this industry leader software, which also invented the VST plugins.. Now, world has ableton, which has efficient panels and everything, wincluding VST support.

Ableton Live - Popular amongst DJs who can't beatmatch or use vinyl. Can use all the plugins you've pirated from BitTorrent but crashes on a regular basis when this is attempted. "your buggy dll's are not my problem, i crash if i wanna."
The software has functions such as searching all your disks for sample files, having synthesizers, samplers etc, but after seeing plugins like spectrasonics omnisphere or native instruments Komplete 7 you won't want to use them ever again. Ableton is a German company, which tells all.

Sibelius - WARNING: MAINLY FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO READ MUSIC! Program named after some old Finnfag and used by people who appreciate classical music. Comes with hundreds of instruments that have a grand total of about seven different sounds. To break trends in computer software, each version of this program gets progressively worse. Most recently, version 6 will not only offer to format you score fully automatically, but also fill in your tax returns and structure any awkward conversations you were planning on having in the next six months. Favorite for people with autism, schizophrenia, and music degrees.

Finale - WARNING: ALSO MAINLY FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO READ MUSIC! Similar to the above, except doesn't completely suck balls. Most of the included instruments sound different, though there are a handful of pain in the ass errors, though the software does manage to improve with each new version.

Guitar Pro - A stripped-down, clunkier version of the above two, intended primarily for the self-indulgent needs of 14-year-old fretwankers who desperately need a way to transmit to the world that not only can they play minor pentatonics really fast, but that they know how to notate that noise too. Ships with the realistic sound engine, possibly the worst sample library ever made, which contains such exciting instruments as a drumkit where each component is indistinguishable from all the others, and a hellishly awful guitar patch which recurs repeatedly playing some unpalatable solo on the aforementioned 14-year-old's band MySpace. Inexplicably, if you torrent this program, all the error messages will be in French.

FL Studio - a.k.a. - the program all da niggaz make dey beatz wif. Very good choice. All you have to do is work with the 4 starting sound channels until you have what some of us call a "rhythm". Used by the techno junkies and electronica nerds. Also popular along with Ableton with the emerging dubstep "producers".

GarageBand - The popular choice. Used by 13 year old boys all around the world. Allows you to make shit songs in minutes that people will actually buy. Exemplary of macfag laziness.


Punk-o-Matic - A music-making program/flash game that is featured on Jewgrounds. Punk-o-Matic allows you to control a tiny virtual band that can perform a variety of pre-made, mostly shitty-sounding riffs or rolls with no lyrics (which greatly improves any punk music). There is supposedly an MP3 converter for this game, but there is no way to get the fucking thing to work, no matter how long you fuck around with the zipped files.

ProTools - The Daddy. Difficult to obtain illegally due to it requiring specific hardware to function. After Version 9 came out it no longer requires an mbox to run, just an easily crackable ilok. Pirate all you want kiddies! Popular among people who know what there doing. Warning: This feature is for advanced users only.

Reason - Better way worse than FL Studio. Reason is exclusively for electronic music and has no way to record external inputs or use external effects or virtual instruments and therefore fails at any all other genres. Known to be too confusing for the average user.

Record - An addition to Reason that takes external inputs, bringing Reason users to all new levels of fail.

Mario Paint - This is quickly becoming the favorite choice, especially on YouTube. You can make some incredible songs with this. People will pay millions for this top-of-the-line software. But of course, it gets quite repetitive.

Gameboy Camera - Another favorite choice! Some device with a HAL 9000 head looking peice of shit that connects to your gameboy. You can also take pictures of yourself (and put it on the homo dj you make music with) and upload them to myspace and add some real high contrast drama with it. ...Did i mention it has a dancing mario on the title screen?

Modplug Tracker - Pretend you're in the late 1980s making music on an Amiga computer, except you're using windows.

Audacity - For idiots that can't operate the above programs and are way too cheap to buy something decent. With this you can use the shitty ass effects and most importantly white noise to make your music sound scary and trippy like the equally shitty i-doser!

ACID Pro - Like the bastard child of Ableton and GarageBand, except it came first, and twice as hard to make VSTs work right. Good for looping the same shitty 1 minute track for dozens of hours, days, weeks, etc., etc. Popular with people who never graduated from GarageBand.

Cakewalk Sonar - The best. This underrated software does everything including sucking and fucking me. Steal it off a torrent site now!

Acoustica Mixcraft - Basically, a better, yet somewhat more faggotish version of Sony Acid, sexed with it's illegitimate mother that it came before, Garageband. Comes with one fake-sounding drum set and synths that sound like they were created by deaf Pop musicians.


How to be a producerfag:

1) Download the FL Studio demo (preferably an old version because you are an idiot).

2) Make a bad drum loop that isn't consistent in any way shape or form. Bonus points for using nothing but loops that come with FL Studio.

3) Add a bassline from one of Basshunter's songs.

4) Try to imitate a Basshunter melody.

5) Loop for 10 minutes

6) Then add 3 Soundgoodizers on each channel, and then 7 on the master, for the last slot add a bass boost of +80db. LULZ MIXING

7) Render as a bad quality mp3 (preferably 128kbps or below). Bonus points for sample rates under 44.1khz.

8) Select an alias beginning with 'DJ' even though you are not a DJ (Try 'DJ FaGz0R 9000' OR 'DJ BasShNueRt IS ThE bEst FoRevER).

9) Upload on every website on the internets.

10) Whore for good reviews on said websites and tell everyone you are a prodigy and will be big one day.

11) forget about making music and lose all interest in producing after your demo copy runs out.

??) ALTERNATIVE: apply for work at ARK music studio.

How to successfully produce music:

Musician websites

Because the only people who can stand being around musicians are other musicians, there are forums and websites where you can brag about why your gear is better than everyone else's, how much it sucks being poor, and how many STDs you've gotten from fucking roadies. A few of these websites are

  • Harmony Central, a website that provides reviews and whose forum members are extremely cheap while at the same time being some of the biggest assholes on the internet. Since moving to Web 2.0 the site has become impossible to navigate and all negative reviews have been deleted.
  • SoundCloud, some really good music. And a lot of shitty music.
  • Talkbass, where failed guitarists go to be smug cockfags who shun anyone whose musical gear doesn't cost more than their mortgage and car payments combined or doesn't like Jaco Pastorious. Incidentally, you will be banned if you say anything about how much Jaco Pastorious wasn't that great.
  • Musiciansfriend, the one-stop place for your overpriced music needs. Populated by 13 year old boys who think they're the next Jimmy Page because they can play a handful of Blink 182 songs. No but seriously, this is the only place on the internet where you can buy stuff to make music without getting completely jewed like on eBay or Craigslist $20 for a pack of shitty uncoated guitar strings? Not jewish? Try again, Jew. The MSRP is $40.99, that's half off. Plus, you actually get your order. Get a job, Hippy.

What It All Boils Down To

File:MusicSux.jpg
The final verdict.

Basically, all music is just the same damn four chords, and everything else is fashion and faggotry.

This is a lie. There are two sets of four chords - 1,4,2,5 and 1,4,6,5. So suck me.


Gallery

  • "Death Waltz"
    "Death Waltz"

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