Halo

Warning! This article may contain bullshit written by 13-year-old fanboys, you can help by reverting everything added by them.

Halo, also known as Gaylo and Failo, is an overrated, overhyped FPS game with outdated controls, terrible graphics, shitty characters, and a convoluted storyline that was once considered "good" only because most gamers have never opened a fucking book. The online multiplayer is scientifically designed to get on your nerves. The storyline also ripped off some shitty 1970's book called 'Ringworld', that nobody cared about, and also ripped off vehicles, designs, and Sgt. Apone (Johnson) from Aliens, which everyone did care about. The game was credited for saving Microsoft's Xbox from going straight down the drain because at the time, it was the only reason why 13 year old kids would have wanted one. The official website for gay banana split Halo fans is Bungie.net, a gay banana website.

Typical Halo gameplay.

Bungie... why so dirty? bungie link to DL

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Finding The Assault Rifle. Coming 2012.

Typical game of Halo in progress.

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The average 'slam down' between players.

It's like saying a bike with training wheels is better because anyone can ride it.

The typical Halo player. Don't believe me? Go play Halo 3 on Xbox Live.

Halo in a nutshell.

The Arbiter, savior of the Covenant.

Rule 34, anyone?

The knowledge... So much...So fast! It's glorious!

A fallen player's view of his slayer about to get sniped due to being a faggot-humper who is more concerned about bragging over a kill than the task at hand.

The final boss. Seriously, the game is that fucking easy to beat.

Halo 2 was basically just Halo 1 with bugged cutscenes, better textures and no atmosphere.

This is why everyone wants the Legendary edition of Halo 3.

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8 Year old g's.

Halo 1.0

The original Halo was known for being the only good Xbox game that wasn't available on Playstation 2 or the GameCube or Dreamcast. It received extremely good reviews from every major publication thanks to its fantabulous level design that repeated the same Goddamn gray corridor every 30 feet, which cut loading times. And as if the repetition wasn't bad enough, halfway through the game, you get to play through each level BACKWARDS!

The original story involved the Master Chef, a 26th century Spartan, and excellent cook, killing a bunch of aliens and stopping a giant ring in outer space from fuckinga up everyone's shit, thus saving world/universe/day/whatever.

It was also notable for having a handgun that could headshot people from literally half a mile away. Any multiplayer game became a chorus of moans and profanity as just getting with 500 yards of a competent player (lol, paradox) resulted in instant death.

Unfortunately, the game sold a fuckload and singlehandedly saved the Xbox from going the way of the Dreamcast.

Halo PC

A shitty port of Halo to the PC. Despite the dated graphics, you only needed a "high-end" PC to run it decently. The only reason you would want to play Halo PC is for the single-player campaign, as the multiplayer is complete ass. No votekick, no voice chat (well, in Halo's case that might be a good thing), laggy shitty ass online play (you have to aim five feet ahead of an enemy to register a hit), and a community of fucktards ("lol n00b pwned xD"). Not only that, but 99% of all the fucking servers are fucking rockets on Blood Gulch or Battle Creek.(Not to mention they hack like a bitch.)

Halo Lag Edition(aka Halo Trial)

And you thought that Halo PC was laggy? Then you'll want to try the Halo Trial, which has the worst netcode in the history of online multiplayer games. Forget playing this freeware demo, because it's hardly even a game since it doesn't even work. And if you do manage to get the multiplayer to work by buying the fastest internet connection possible, you'll meet players even more annoying and idiotic than the ones who play the full version. Only kids play the trial because their parents won't buy them Halo PC because it's rated M for Maximum Faggotry. The only thing the Halo trial is good for is the one campaign level that it comes with. But the fun of the campaign level quickly diminishes after you save and quit, sit through the 20-minute video of Sgt Johnson screaming at you to buy several copies of the full game, then come back later only to find that the trial doesn't actually save your game(in other words, it lies to you).

Halo Custom Edition

A shitty port of Halo to the PC, only with no campaign mode and the ability to play poorly-made custom maps made by 13 year olds with Gmax. Gearbox Software released some shitty hack tools to go along with Halo CE so you can make your own maps. However, there are really only 3 known custom maps in existence. The rest are all re-textured versions of Bloodgulch with AIs more retarded than the ones in Perfect Dark. Occasionally you'll find a map that has some custom weapons, but they're always half-assed and usually fire nothing but plasma grenades. Because of the lack of good modding tools, many Halo CE fans decided to make their own hack tools, which are almost better than the Gearbox ones aside from the fact that nearly all of them were written with .NET Framework and have constant exception errors or just don't work at all. Before Halo 2 for Vista came out, some maps ported from the Xbox version turned Halo CE into the poor man's Halo 2 multiplayer.

Halo 2

Goatse?

Like any somewhat decent game that makes a lot of money, the designers had to fuck it up beyond all recognition. They took every redeeming quality of the original and raped it like Pedobear in a roomful of loli after being starved of CP for 3 weeks. The graphics were glitchy, the physics were inconsistent, the weapons were shit, well...yeah, and the levels were...well they stayed at about the same level of shittiness. Ironically, the game solda even moar than the first, and millions of fucktards blindly embraced it as a gift from God.

The story was also borderline retarded and riddled with plot holes, like how the Covenant somehow find Earth and (conveniently) a brand new Halo ring, or like how they just randomly throw in the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors halfway into the game.

Halo 2 also introduced a new playable character - The Arbiter, a Covenant Elite warrior shunned by his people and blah blah blah, nobody really cares.

We also get introduced to Miranda Keyes, who's the daughter of that captain dude from the first game, the High Prophets: Truth, Mercy & Regret (who look suspiciously like turkeys), the aforementioned venus fly trap Gravemind, and the Brutes, led by their Chieftain, Tartarus, who is a big-ass bondage loving furry from Hell.

Halo 2 was the first game that you could play over the internets, via Xbox Live. Of course, the funny thing about having a design team of over 9000 CSIII graduates is that not everyone knows what everyone else is doing. This leads to a lot of interesting problems that basement dwellers (or in some cases, trolls) can find and exploit, like people being able to lunge at someone with the sword from a mile away, being able to drop through the ground, being able to bounce 2,000 feet into the air, and being able to lag everyone into next week, while you go around and rape the other team. As such, at least 100 patches have been released trying to fix the broken and obviously retarded multiplayer. Though even without the glitches, any normal human can only take the unbalanced weaponry, the high-pitched screams of prepubescent boys, and sheer lack of entertainment for so long.

It did, however have the best rocketa launchera of the three games, since it could seek, and allowed you to dual wield needlers for epic win.

TL;DR: Halo 2 is an expansion pack to Halo that didn't add anything except the ability to hold TWO WEAPONS!!!

Halo 2 Vista

A shitty port of Halo 2 to the PC. It was exactly the same as Halo 2 for the Xbox, except it has better graphics and a map editor. To get the ability to play a three year old Xbox game, all you have to do is downgrade to Vista. Anyone who is stupid enough to buy this should become an halo.

Halo 2 Vista was also the first game in Microsoft's attempt to consolize PC gaming, "Gays For Windows". Apparently MS thinks it's a great idea to Jew Fail marketing ploy was fail.

Halo 1.5 (or 3)

And just in case you managed to avoid that spoilers, Johnson dies. But black people always die in movies and videogames. That one white commander woman dies, too, because it's a well-known fact that women suck at videogames.

Even though Halo 2 was more popular than Jesus, the designers admitted that it was a broken pile of fail and AIDS. While Halo 3 is still made of fail, it is still better than that rancid collection of squirrel dung, Halo 2 (If only slightly).

Bungie isn't exactly known for innovation, as the game still has the same boring controls as it did in 2001.

Graphics-wise, it looks EXACTLY like Halo 2, except that its Over 9000 times brighter , and a big, fat layer of lens flare thrown over everything.

By the final installment of the trilogy, you would think the story couldn't possibly get any more butchered...right? WRONG!! There are so many plot holes and random shit happening that you'll most likely be forced to throw the whole thing out the window. For example: How did Gravemind find Earth? Why did MC just randomly jump off Truth's ship entering Earth... was it just for the lulz? How did High Charity manage to find the Ark's SECRET location?

But hey, nobody cares about the story anymore, it's all about teh awesomez flawless online multiplayer.

The Xbox Live multiplayer is exactly the same pile of horse manure as Halo 2's online, with the sole exception of a half-assed map editor with which you can't even edit the terrain or add all the objects. The maps and games all suck baboon balls. And when you play matchmaking, once you go in to a game, you can't leave. So much like a visit from a rapist, no matter how much you kick and scream, it's gonna happen, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Another totally awesome addition to the third installation of the Halo series is the ability to take screenshots. This is about the only new thing Bungie has to offer. Motherfucking screenshots. You can only imagine what kind of people actually utilize this feature.

Accepting People Online

ChristFags love Haylolz 3!

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To prove that Halo sucks more cock than a whore on Viagra, a cave-dwelling little Azn decided to record himself annoying the typical Halo player (see above). [1]

Main Characters from the original trilogy

• Master Chief - Pretty cool guy who jumps 9000 meters into the air and as a shield that absorbs at least 100 bullets. You control him, he is a mute retard and is known to be the last Spartan super soldier.
• Cortana - Some blue whore A.I. who bitches and whines at you throughout the game as she is stuck in your helmet. Asking to be 34'd due to dat ass.
• Captain Jacob Keyes - Some oldfag that controls ships such as The Piller of Autumn. He likes to get captured by The Covenant and gets pwnd by the flood.
• Sargent Johnson - Some Nigra who somehow managed to survive the halo explosion but gets pwnd by a pathetic laser.
• 343 Guilty Spark - A Britfag eyeball robot built over 9000 years ago that flouts around. He want to activate the Halo array but Chief lasers him for killing Johnson with his laser.
• Miranda Keyes - Jacobs Daughter that does STFU until she gets spiked in the back.
• The Arbiter - Also known as Thel 'Vadam. He is a badass elite you get to control. Gets ranked to "an arbiter" cos he let the first ring get pwnd by master queef. Teams up with humans due to religion butthurt.
• The Profits - Leaders of the covenant. They think the halo array is like some glory hole. One get punched to death by master chief, one gets eaten by flood and the other gets stabbed by the Arbiter.
• Gravemind - Some huge mega mass tentacle rape plant who is leader of the flood. It likes to read poetry while tentacle raping Arby and Chief Gets pwned three times but parts of it is still on other planets.

Halo Wars

Halo Wars is a faptastic RTS which is usually too difficult for the remaining 95% of the Xbox Population, even though is the simplest, dumbed down RTS game currently out on any system. In Early 2009, due to Microshits awesome partnership program, they dumped Ensemble Studios ass and left them to die in the burning depths of hell and faggotry.

Overall, the developers got kicked in the arse and the game was overall shit...unless of course, you weren't like the rest of the faggot population of xbox live and actually HAD A FUCKIN BRAIN

Gameplay

The gameplay of almost every match consists solely of spamming specific types of units and initiating the all powerful Zerg Rush. There are no real strategies to the game and no point in trying to do anything unique or even trying to use some level of skill. Communication is restricted to Xbox Microphone, and considering all the Players are usually too stupid to talk even if they have a mic, there is no point even plugging in yours and no way to Cooperate with teammates.

Not only does the actual gameplay suck, but Halo Wars features a broken, unsophisticated matchmaking system that often matches up noobs with high ranked assholes who play the game too much, resulting in most players getting pissed off, quiting games, and sending messages to the gamers they lose to. Not only this, but the matchmaking often matches up multiple faggot little children together playing the same unit. Because they are lazy fucktards with no mics, they both choose to make the same exact units, often leading to hell hole 3v3 games when you play by (or with) yourself in standard 3v3 games.

Downloadable Content

After the game shipped on who the fuck cares day, fans were very hostile about the game not getting any updates or planned Downloadable Content, since the developer was fucking dead!

Gametypes Eventually, some random assholes released DLC for Halo wars, and it sucked dick! The first DLC was game types. That's right mother fucker, game types. $10.00 hard earned dollars that you could spend on porn, Microsoft expects you to pay to buy GAME TYPES with. For dumbasses who do not know what this means... GAMETYPES SHOULD BE FUCKING FREE. If you actually bought these, you have absolutely no FUCKING BRAINS.

Maps Maps were eventually released for Halo Wars, and although not as big as a ripoff as the gametypes, they are still full of shit for their price tag. Those who actually bought the maps don't get matched up with anyone who owns them because no one owns them, because (once again) FAGGOT LITTLE CHILDREN who have no BALLS infest the game like Captain Cutters bullshit ODST units. They don't have credit cards or money, only time to waste aggravating adults.

Halo 3: ODST

All New Campaign - Same Shitty Game!

Halo 3: ODST is the latest offering of milk from the Halo cow. Bungie, like all other game companies, wanted to release an expansion pack as full priced games because they are assholes and bitches of Microsoft. Worried that the cocaine pile was getting low they set to work on a disc that's nothing more than a half-assed expansion based on the already half-assed Halo 3 game. It's a mini campaign complete with maps to a game you already bought.

hoy meets boy

Story

You play as an ODSTD (Orgasmic Dick Sucking Transsexual Dumbass) soldier. A regular, plain old boring ass human with no spartan super powers. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? No over shields, you die easy, you are a dime a dozen soldier, etc. Oh yea, the story line is also some random shit Bungie pulled out of their assholes. It has absolutely nothing to do with the books or anything. They just wanted to make more money so they added a random story line before the events of Halo 3. And since Bungie didnt write the books and no one ever read them, who the fuck cares anyway?

Characters

• Rookie Cookie: Some mute trying to be like Gordon Freeman, he thinks he's awesome but he's not.
• Captain 'I DARE YOU': A random bitch who leads the squad. Raped the guy below and took his position, now she's the leader and tells a lot of men what to do. Looks like a horse with the personality of one to match
• Edward 'I just bucked you': The who does Malcom Reynolds from Firefly. The retard who lead the team before, had to give up his position to the bitch above for sucking so much. Fussed with Dare in the ship's crewberths, Dare pushed him on the bed to calm him down, and raped him. She had some hidden hypnotizing makeup on, now she makes him believe that she's the leader. One point later in the game, Dare fucks him right infront of the Rookie and Vergil.
• Dutchland: Some Dutch maniac who just wanted to be an ODST because he felt like it.
• African Lil' Romeo: Lil' Romeo's stupid African nigger dad, wants to be cool with the bitches, but they tell him to back off.
• ODST Mickey Mouse: Mickey Mouse decided to be Mickey Man, now he ended up like this and lost his ears. Was lowest ranked because he sucked so much.
• Sgt. Johnson: The cool nigga we always know and hated from the other games. Only in Firefight, to scared to show himself in Campaign cuz people would be freaked to see he's the twin brother of the one of Delta Halo.
• Stupid Intendent(more like Shitty Intendent)/Vergil Hawkins from Static Shock: Static Shock tripped himself into another universe, and ended up as the whole city himself. When Dare and Rookie found him, he was turned into an alien. He and Rookie watched Dare and Buck fuck eachother in the elevator.
• You: The retard who spent 80 bucks on a game about faggots tea-bagging each other.

Graphics, HUD, and Sounds (technical shit)

Halo 3: ODST runs off the same shitty engine that powered Halo 3. The graphics still suck and the controls are still outdated. Also, the HUD is retarded, giving you these stupid night vision mode goggles and other random stupid bullshit that is unnecessary in the Halo Universe. What ever happened to the good old flashlight like in Combat Evolved? The sounds are also shitty, replicating the annoying sounds of the covenant weapons, the annoying battle rifle, and the annoying covenant vehicles. Also, Halo 3: ODST re-uses a lot of the generic, very OLD Halo theme song with a couple of new instruments added. Same shit as Halo Wars and the Halo FPS sequels.

Online Mode

Halo 3: ODST comes with all the maps the original Halo 3 came with plus all the shitty Halo 3 maps you already paid for. That's right, you're paying for the same shit twice(or in my case....7 times). Let's not forget how crappy the Halo 3 maps were, either! Oh yea, but it does give you THREE NEW MAPS on top of the others, so you don't feel like a complete douchebag for wasting $60.00 on the same shit. Besides that, there's this stupid new Co-op mode called Fucker-fight. You have to fuck your enemies, and survive as long as you can.

TL;DR: It's Halo 3 with more lens flare, no dual wielding and you take Fall damage.

Should you try playing the Matchmaking mode, this is what will inevitably be your experience:

First, you select your playlist, and by playlist I mean Rumble Pit or Social Slayer. Nobody plays the objective-based games, except for 13-year-old boys who play Action Sack for the HILARIOUS name. Several minutes will pass as it searches for a game, finds nine of the ten players required to play and then restarts its search.

When you do find a match, you will find that you have walked into a pointless argument between a stupid black person and a stupid wigger, who also happen to be your teammates. You can mute them, but as annoying as they are, nigger/wigger arguments have extremely high potential for lulz. If you crave disappointment, you can check to see the shitty map and game type you'll play and try to veto it, which will either fail or result in an even shittier map and game type.

Finally, the game starts. The other team, who has already formulated a plan with several phases, will spawn near the power weapons and take them within thirty seconds. Your team, composed of you, a nigger who claims to have committed various debauched sexual acts with your mom, a wigger who, despite having the same personality and sexual history with your mom as the nigger, is diametrically opposed to everything he stands for, and a four year-old boy who says his balls "dropped in your mothers mouth". You are fucked.

Your team (Blue, most likely) will waste no time in dropping their Battle Rifles for dual magnums and rushing the enemy base, keeping as much space between them as possible. The Red Team scores twenty points in five minutes. When you make a pitiful attempt to score a point, you will either be raped by every member of the other team, get killed by three Needler rounds or get run over by a Ghost piloted by a member of your team who was too busy trying to eat his controller to see what he was doing.

Finally, the nigger quits, enraged that the wigger called him gay after the thirty-sixth time he told the wigger to suck his dick or balls/eat his ass. Soon after, Red Team wins 50 to 13.

A common misconception is that you are always playing against humans who cheat. This is not true. Your teammates and enemies are actually bots, because people realized long ago that Halo is shit and stopped playing it. This is why, regardless of the levels of either team's players, your allies always play the same. Even if your enemies are privates and your team is made entirely of generals, everyone on your team will suck ass. Dead babies play Halo better than a Rank 4 General on your team.

Halo: Reacharound

Common consequence of making a forge map in Halo: Reach

New Low Price amirite!

TANK>Everything

lulz

Halofags are excited because now they can use jetpacks!!!1! (As if Gaylo wasn't gimmicky enough) And CODfags say that armor abilities are copying perks, and it's true, but no one gives a shit because COD stole from Halo, and Halo stole from just about everywhere else.

Also included in Reacharound is the ability to make maps, called Forge World. This allows 13 year-old boys to create all sorts of fuck-ups and sorry excuses for levels. Of course, if you're playing Gaylo in the first place, you don't have the attention span to build an argument, let alone a map (says the SDF tard that thinks ModNation Racers is better).

BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU CAN DRIVE A FORKLIFT TRUCK!!!!! TL;DR Halo ODST and COD:MW2

Characters of Reacharound

• Carter: No nonsense Douchebag. Leader of Noble Team. He dies because he an heros for your miserable life by crashing his pelican dropship into a Scarab.

• Kat: Some bitch who doesnt stfu and who likes to touch and hax everything, lost her right arm because she gave Carter a handjob and he came on her face. She dies by getting shot by a needle rifle round. Lulz. After she dies, you decide to drag her body off the battlefield for later use. When Reach first came out, snapshots of her ass were always at the top of the "Top Downloads" list, which is not surprising given that the average Halofag spends too much time in the basement to talk to women and also fucks their sister.

• Jun: Bald guy with a weirdass accent and who loves to shoot at rocks. Jun has the shooting ability of an autistic 5 year old retarded monkey who just did 20 kilo's of cocaine and then fucked his sister. Went off with Halsey and nobody knows where or what has happened to him.

• Emile: black person Nigger with a cool skull helmet and knife. Gets stabbed by an Elite with an energy sword.

• Jorge: Big-ass bearded guy with big-ass gun. Will fuck you up. Kills himself in Covenant ship to save Reach by blowing it up, but more, even larger ships came like an endless swarm of nigras.

• Noble Six: You, Talks less than a mute retard. Gang raped by elites at the end. Plays online to continueously bash fags and big up HaGaylo as the greatest thing EVAR!!

Halo: Combat Evolved 2.0

Undeniable evidence that 343 Industries is simply trolling you and stealing your money.

Hungry for more money, Microshit and 343 Industries turned to George Lucas for advice. Like Lucas has done with his movies, Microshit and 343 has now decided to take the only cash cow they have and fuck it up the ass with cheesy graphics and "remastered" campaign levels. Hence, Halo: Anniversary was born. Along with unnecessary enhanced graphics, Halo: Reach Around's multiplayer, some shitty maps from Halo PC and Halo 2 to go with it, moar graphics, online co-op, lens flare effects, moar graphics, and a Master Chief that looks like it was shat out of a graphic designer's asshole. According to 343, the changes they've made to the game are just enhancements that are purely tasteful, and they have not significantly changed the game at all. Even though any sane person can easily tell that it is completely different game. The game also has a multiplayer section which is basically reach's multiplayer with fewer maps and disabled bloom because gaylo die-hards baw over seeing how their gun works.

Halo 4

After Bungie, having realized what a AIDs covered turd they had crapped out, left the Halo series in the caring jew hands of Microsoft and the newly spawned 343 Industries; Halo 4 was announced at E3 2011. As if we didn't have enough 12 year olds on the internet. Along with this being an obvious cash-in, numerous canon issues have already surfaced. Issues which are sure to have fanboys foaming at the mouth with rage, or creaming their pants with glee CoDfag style. It is likely that much lulz maybe had by trolling Halofag forums about either these details, or any speculation about the game. These issues include, but are not limited to: jetpack, wierd-ass pistol and attatchement, different armor,and the giant planet construct. Alongside Halo 4, a remastered version of Halo: CE was announced, promising to be pretty good but we all know it'll just be more of the same shit.

You and your reaction to Halo 4 Typical Online Players Previous Video | Next Video Halo Pros MLG or Major League Gaming (also known as chronic jerking-off syndrome) is a league devised by some faggot named Sundance. I'm not kidding; his fucking name is Sundance. MLG is full of faggets, queers, 45 year old virgins and pedophiles that love cock. They think there superior to all gamers because they were born with thumbs and use them...quite well I might add. Despite your faggotry and generally over sized ego's there a bunch of swell cock sucking faggots that love enormous amounts of nigger cum all over there faces and eat a lot of cock. The League is completely devout to developing professional basement dwellers and pointedly alienating themselves from the opposite sex. This "League" is not only afraid of speaking to woman, but also hates any woman that try to get involved in gaming. They make crude gay remarks about how woman belong in the kitchen, but the truth is they'll never get close enough to a woman to have one make them a sandwich. The only woman thats ever made these faggots sandwiches are there mothers. 13 year old boys usually call themselves MLG pros because they spend their time playing custom games with other "MLG pros." None of them go to MLG events because their parents don't want to drive them, but the ones that do go lose in the first round and get butthurt. Then they return to their respective internets forums and bawwwwww about how unfair it was. They also watch videos of all there favorite MLG pro's and ask them what there in-game sensitivity level is. They still suck there mothers tits and eat a lot of cock. MLG recently had a show on the USA network which showed the Halo 2 segment of the pro circuit. It was super lame and no one really liked it. Except when Walshy started crying because his great team didn't win. This created a few lulz to many people who love seeing other peoples' retarded hopes and dreams not come true. Walshy is a faggot pussy that wouldn't last 5 seconds outside of his mothers basement and loves black cum. This is, of course, a moot point, because anyone who devotes his life to being a pro at a videogame is a fucktard and has no real ambitions in life. <video type="youtube" id="KWF1ue0XLPI" width="540" height="406" desc="The 4 year old has since changed his Gamertag a few times to avoid harassment by pedophiles." frame="true" position="center"/> <video type="youtube" id="uYS0vcj5kAY" width="540" height="406" desc="The 4 year old has since changed his Gamertag a few times to avoid harassment by pedophiles." frame="true" position="center"/> Shows how the real pros of Halo talk to the noobs. Note how the 4 year old is actually winning the argument and completely owning the 13 year-old kid. Both are fucking idiots though and deserve to be raped by Michael Jackson. <video type="youtube" id="Y2VekrXIPtA" width="540" height="406" desc="Notice how everything this kid says sounds oddly familiar." frame="true" position="center"/> This also shows how uber leet gamers talk to noobs. Weapons With each passing halo game comes brand new exciting weapons so Bungie can actually look like they are doing something. You have a wide variety of faggoty weapons, equipment and grenades. Each weapon in Reacharound looks exactly like weapons in the last 500 Halo games, only they suck more cock. Human Weapons and equipment They are preferred the most because we like rooting for the home team. The Assault Rifle (GayR): This was first to arrive in Halo 1, but no one used it due to the 1337 pistol. Because nobody used it, it was omitted from Halo 2. Fan boys complained, however, and it arrived back in Halo 3 to not be used again. Since it is the most skill-oriented weapon in the human arsenal, it is the default starting weapon in all default gametypes, and rightly so. The Halo 3 version was originally planned to include a 14x scope due to its effective range while fired fully-automatic, but this plan was scrapped shortly before launch. Magnum: THE greatest weapon in gaming history. In Halo 1, the pistol killed you faster than you could say "FUUUU", and if you looked at it hard enough, it grew a scope. It was used in every Halo game after, but it sucked dick because of the BR. The M6 Magnum is famous for being the most imbalanced weapon in Halo history, and for being the first and only reason for people to complain why they absolutely cannot stand the most recent Halo title; so that not every 13-year-old adolescent smart enough to not hold down the trigger while aiming somewhere in the vicinity of an enemy's head through a scope that doesn't actually exist can't take down someone in 3 shots from the far side of sidewinder. In Halo: Reacharound, Bungie took these complaints into consideration, placing a scope on the M6 pistol in hopes of shutting up those who complained for years about how much they hated Halo 2 and 3. But they didn't realize until it was too late that they didn't make the pistol (or the game) nearly easy enough for people to stop their bitching. Battle Rifle (1337 4 SH0T!): The most fair and balanced weapon in the game. This weapon is why every player in Halo is so gay when in comes to camping/non MLG game types. They think strategic playing is only using a weapon that kills in 4 shots to the head. They fail to realize that there is no strategy involved in Halo, only skill. This is why they end up getting pwned by the guy with a shotgun and bawing about it. Sniper Rifle (Camping Rifle): Don't know how to melee/BR/use grenades/play in general? You're in luck because like every FPS, Halo has an over-powered sniper rifle! It is basically a semi-automatic with a 10x scope attached that 1-shots to the head. Very easy to use. If you use this weapon, you are nothing more than a camping faggot that has to hide behind his team and shoot from far away to get kills. Shotgun (Troll Rifle): Hated by every "pro" player in the game. Use this weapon as much as possible as a trolling method. Bonus points if you're in Team slayer and you get MVP by using nothing but it. Then proceed to shit talk the other team and your own in the lobby for sucking so much. SMG (Shitty Machine Gun): This weapon replaced the AR in Halo 2. It has a range of, like, -3 feet or something, and can be dual-weilded. Also sounds like a broken airsoft gun. Bonus points if you kill someone with overshields with a SMG-Plasma Rifle combo. Rocket Lawn Chair: What every team will be fighting for at the start of the game. Used only to kill yourself. Grenades: spam them as much as possible. Fun Fact: Grenades have done more friendly fire damage then regular damage in Halo 3. Spartan Laser (SHOOP AND WHOOP): No description needed. Turret: Another good way to troll MLG players. Boy they're whiny little bitches aren't they? Flamethrower: A very good weapon because it gives you the satisfaction of KILLING IT WITH FIRE. Melee: FALCON PAAAAWWWWNCH!!!, two punches does more damage than 30 bullets from an assault rifle Missile Pod: Perfect for getting rid of dat nigga who stole yo banshee. Flag: It's next to the headlight fluid. Traffic Cone: LOL WUT. Some serious shit, dont diss the trafic cone, it will FUCK YOU UP. Tripmine: Bound to make your enemies "FUUU". Even though it is generally useless, you can sometimes get that double kill when you enemies are too blind and deaf to hear the warnings of the deadly tripmine. It's physically incapable of killing someone on foot but can still blow up a tank. If you see your teammate's mine, be sure to an hero and kick him for the lulz, thus causing your team to lose because you're down one player. But that doesn't matter because kicking that guy was the funniest thing since WTC. The Tea-Bag: As if this game wasn't gay enough, this weapon became the most commonly used weapon in the game, though not actually a weapon, it allows you to show your true superiority in terms of faggotry. The Bingo Wheel: A troll's ultimate weapon for forge matches. It is acquired in forge by placing 2 trip mine spawns next to each other and set them for immediate respawn. Then you get a partner troll to spin an open box so the open side always faces you. You then proceed to toss over 9000 trip mines into the spinning box. Eventually, the super fortified halo box will start ejecting mines through its edges. Not only does this lag the piss out of even a local forge match, but it overloads the map, causing everything to disappear. ODST Weapons ODST have to have special stealth weapons due to the fact that they can't run out into battle like a crazy retard absorbing bullets like some sponge and then hide behind a wall for five seconds and repeat. Silenced SMG: Shitty machine gun that shoots quiet bullets. Whoopdee-fucking-doo. M6S: The Halo 2 magnum in the guise of the Halo 1 magnum. Cock-venant Weapons and Equipment Generally not used because all Covenant weapons suck. You must wonder how a futuristic race cannot even make weapons better than more primative weapons that fire lead. Plasma Rifle: Pretty good in Halo 1. Only good in the other Halo games if used with a combo because they can't kill shit by themselves. Not even zombies. Has even worse aim than the Ass Rifle. Plasma Pistol (I'M SAMUS!): This weapon is the shittiest evar. However, it has its upside as you can charge up the blast to knock out all the other players' shields. Yet another good trolling method against MLG if you then pull out your BR and one shot him in the face. Cock-venant Carbine: This weapon is .05 seconds faster than the BR, however no one uses it. Just goes to show you how gay the BR is. Needler (Noobler): This weapon has both homosexuality and down syndrome. It fires pretty pink needles at the rate of 30 miles per hour. However, don't fuck with someone in Halo 3 if they have this weapon because the needles it fires will make you explode if they shove enough of them up your ass. Has a range of only 30 feet, any closer or farther away and it's useless. Also if you don't hit them with enough shots to kill them it does absolutely no damage. Beam Rifle: Just as gay as the human sniper except no one uses it. Fuel Rod Cannon: Not used in Matchmaking due to its pwnage. Energy Sword: Preferred weapon for Elites (which is probably why they got pwned in all the wars) and whiny children who can't kill with any other weapon, the energy sword is a camper's delight. Allows you to lunge Over 9000 feet and defy gravity. You can pretend all the other weapons matter, but let's get real; this is the only weapon you'll ever fucking use. Plasma Grenade: Sticky blue balls that allow you to kill your enemy with more lulz. Throw them at people and they attach like an angry cat. They attatch themselves to an enemy using cum and are a great way to make MLG players go FUUUUU!. Ever since Bungie included armor lock in reacharound, sticky grenades have since became completely and utterly useless. Mauler: It's the same as the shotgun except it's allowed in MLG game types. Srsly WTF. Originally planned to include a 8x scope but was scrapped shortly before launch. Spiker: The worst weapon in Halo 3. Try and kill someone with this and you'll fail miserably. Brute Shot: Pretty good weapon that shoots balls of exploding shit at your enemies. Don't use it too close to your enemy or else you'll involuntarily become an hero. Spike Grenade: Same as plasma except they stick to walls and generate more lulz. Gravity Hammer: Same as the sword except your enemies fly farther. Fire Bomb: KILL IT WITH FIRE. Bubble Shield: A giant boob that protects you from everything except other players coming inside the shield to pwn you and enemy vehicles because apparently vehicles and bullets arent made out of the same fucking metal. Flare:"Blinds" your enemies even though you can still see their fucking gamertag above them. Radar Jammer: As if your radar doesn't fail already, this will fuck with your head. Regenerator: Only used to troll people not using 1-hit kill weapons. In other words, useless. Also its for fags and cock lovers that suck to much at the game to stay alive longer than 5 seconds. Power Drain: Used to drain only you and your teams health since you'll most likely fail at throwing it. Overshield: Makes your shields power level over 9000. Also for cock lovers who can't stay alive. Watch out though, because a punch to the back will kill you. Active Camo: You are completely invisible to all players and it lasts for a long time. Active camo is about as useful as a horses cock at a lesbians convention. if you move any faster than your 90 year old whore grandmother, the active camo becomes completely useless. although is it fun for trolling with the sniper rifle lulz. Sc(arab) Gun Some dickweed Covenant soldier decided it would be a good idea to leave an overkill weapon on a building in the enemy planet. If you have absolutely no life, you've probably fired this gun. The only way to obtain it is to convince a Banshee pilot to let you borrow the damn thing, then fly it through a small tunnel. If you're stupid enough, you'll also come across a large soccer ball that does fucking nothing. Foreskinner Weapons Sentinel beam: Piece of shit. No wonder those ancient faggots were killed by a bunch of fucking zombies. It's not included in matchmaking. Halo:Reach Weapons The new weapons in the game based on observation and interviews. Grenade Launcher(Poop Pipe): Launches grenades. Has an alternate fire mode, but you'll never see that used because it can't be spammed. Concussion Rifle: The Brute Shot if it looked like a buttplug and had four extra shots of exploding shit. Annoying and cheap to fight against. Designated Marksman Rifle: Replacement for the Battle Rifle because it sucked too bad in the last two games. The DMR is also a hit scan weapon which should mean it has no bullet travel time, although Bungie somehow found a way to make it worse than the BR. It also fires as slowly as your 80 year old grandpa fucks his 20 year old niece. Combat Knife & Carved Knife: Sharp blades of metal that you can use to cut people...or yourself. In a nutshell, its fucking awesome. Needle Rifle:: If the needler and the carbine got it on, this would be their baby. It also takes around 90 shots to kill someone with and if ever in a 1v1 with a DMR cock sucker, you will die. Plasma Repeater: Same as the plasma rifle except it fires plasma faster than you can throw snowballs this time. Plasma Launcher: The Covenant rocket launcher. It sends blue balls of rape that chase after you and explode. Target Locator: Point this at some unfortunate 13 year old boy and he will be smitten by God. Or shove it up your ass and feel the vibrations. Focus Rifle: Useful version of the sentinel beam with a scope. Not as "pro" as the sniper rifle. Assassination Kills: Not exactly a weapon, but just as useless. For some reason, Bungie thinks it's cool to show a five-second clip of you stabbing an enemy instead of just bonking the fucker and moving on to the next one. Vehicles Human vehicles mostly suck. Mongoose: The worst, crappiest vehicle in the whole halo series. Basically a quad bike with shitty brakes and no gun. Has two seats so the enemy gets a double kill when it's eventually blown up. Warthog: Human middle class vehicle. A big car with a big fucking gun on the back. Three types - The machine gun, which sucks ass, the rocket hog, which sucks even more ass, as the rockets to marginaly more damage than throwing jello at your enemy. Third is a gauss, which is not using in matchmaking due to it's pwnage. Scorpion: Perhaps the only decent human vehicle, this is a huge tank which shoots massive shells that kill everything, but moves slowly than your dead grandmother. Falcon: A shitty double bladed helicopter which has two guns, neither of which face forward, and are not operated by the driver. So if your flying solo get ready to be pwned. Cockvenant vehicles are less shit, but still suck. Ghost: A decent vehicle, like a mini hovercraft with double guns that are useless, so just use it to run over people like a nigger on crack. Revenant: Big hovercraft with a big gun that will fuck your shit up. Go figure. Wraith: HUEG hovercraft almost as big as teh xbox itself. Fires a huge gun which blows shit up, but the bullet moves so fucking slow your enemies can see it coming and GTFO. Banshee: What everyone will be fighting for at the start of a game. For lulz, wait with a rocketlauncher and blow it up when it spawns before yo team gets in. Perks: Sprinting: Not really an armor upgrade. It just gives your character enough brain cells to figure out how to run. While sprinting, you also cannot shoot Armor Lock: Makes your character useless for 8 seconds. Will deploy an EMP blast, but nobody's stupid enough to stand near you. Its also abused more than whitney houston and is a major crutch for all the autistic faggots born without thumbs that play this fucking game. Jet Pack: Allows you be be more of a pussy to your team. Its also good for alerting all your enemies of your presence, thus allowing them to direct all 8 of there cumshots onto your face. Active Camo: Allows you to sneak up and sap sentries at the expense of your hearing. Walking any faster than a dead cripple will turn you into captain obvious. Evade Another derp ability for elites. More brain cells are added and you now have the ability to roll. You can only roll twice though because anymore and your retarded elite's brain might short circuit. Hologram: It sends a clone of yourself running directly into enemy fire, then it stands still. If it gets shot, it vanishes. Surprising, it works 99% of the time Drop Shield: Same thing as the bubble shield, except blue, and it explodes if you punch it. Friends and Enemies Friends Marines These dumb mother fuckers enjoy long walks on the beach, driving into rocks, driving off cliffs, shooting at rocks and generally shooting at anything besides the enemy. They stroke Master Chief's massive cock any chance they get and even have wet dreams about him. They rely on him to save there asses through out the whole game and have no idea what there doing. There also A bunch of gay sailors and your only team mates. Don't even try to say the elites were on your side in the 3rd game, we all know you just used them for meat-sheilds and target practice. The marines are competely fucking useless, even on easy. All they do is scream whenever they get shot and run out into fire like retards. Sometimes they will say something stupid, like "Are you made of Leperchuans? Cuz that was awesome!" Really. That is one of their many awful lines in Halo 2. Oddly enough, only the Mexican marines say it. Enemies Elites The backbone military force of the Covenant empire. The manual for each game and the books say that these pricks are smart. Bullshit. Just like every other person in the game, they will run into enemy fire like they were some white bitch trying to catch a stream of cum being lovingly administered by some random black person. In the second game they got their stupid asses booted out of their cult when they found out that the religion that they loved and worshiped was bullshit. They came crying to humans to save their sorry asses, and we did, but only because we were getting pwned too. All you have to do to kill one is grab a plasma pistol and a magnum, shoot the plasma pistol once, and then get a headshot with the magnum. Brutes After the dinosaurs were removed from office, these fat fucks came in to replace them. These guys are even easier to kill than elites because they don't have shields, so all you have to do is get in a headshot or two. Grunts The dumbest enemy AI I have ever seen in a video game ever. They serve no purpose and are used as meat shields by the Elites and Brutes. Who would have thought that these Wizard of Oz munchkin rejects would actually be the smartest enemies in the whole damn game? However, they are still the most useless enemies in the game. They will do nothing but hide behind random things while they cry and shit themselves. On the rare occasion that they decide to shoot you, they will miss. Killing a nearby Brute/Elite makes them run away. Jackals The greatest trolls in the game. They will hide behind sheilds and shoot at you, draining your energy sheilds at least 100 times faster than other enemies, while the only thing you can do to beat them is grenade spam. In other words, they are really fucking easy to kill. Skirmishers Basicly a bunch of Jackals with an overdose of steroids making them a bitch to shoot as they CLIMB UP FUCKING WALLS. Hunters They are made out of lots of worms and go in pares due to fuck-buddy reasons. These giant faggots take at least 100 shots to kill but the covenant to retarded to find out how to cover up the backs of them. This means you can just keep punching the fuck out of their backs until they die. Drones These things are hard as hell to kill. They die in one hit, but there are over 9000 of them each time you fight them. They fly around like little pricks and are a bitch to try and hit. Engineers Used to heal the enemies around them. If you shoot them they will explode. If you don't, they will leave you alone. Of course, you being the retard that you are, will probably shoot them because THEY ARE SO FUCKING SHINY KILL IT!!! Master Chief The Master Chief, aka Master Queef, Captain King or Master Chef, is some sort of futuristic cross between Leonidas, and Mecha-Hitler, and is a pretty cool guy because eh kills aleins and doesn't afraid of anything. He's equipped with a half ton full body armor that amplifies strength, has energy shields, and a slot for an AI/USB flash drive, but ironically offers zero protection from bullets. Indeed, a single shot to the head will penetrate the futuristic helmet, and will instantly kill him, as will a light tap to his back, but that is ok as he will just respawn in like 5 sec anyway as well as there is a new checkpoint every fucking 5 meters or so. It is also thought that one of his weaknesses may be Head-On.Master chief also has the ability to jump higher than most planes can safety fly, which is even more fucking retarded because of the amount of armor that motherfucker wears. Captain King Captain Queen Flood detected Another vile spawn of the Halo series is The Flood. they are NOT ZOMBIES AT ALL, but are little spider things that burrow through your skin and take you over turning you into a hideous monster. After PWNING the ancient faggots who lived over 9000 years ago, the faggots fired weapons of mass destruction, pwning all life in the galaxy. Yet somehow they came back and proceeded to pwn humans and teh covernant once again. Again the only way to kill the flood was to completely pwn every living thing in the galaxy. This is apparently the only way to get rid of the flood although the Master Chief seems to do a pretty good job of it. Long story short, the Flood were better when they were called the Borg. Novels The idea of what happens at the end of the game series. A typical Major League Gamer. Not only did this retarded game make it on some kind of bestseller list, but a bunch of assholes thought it would be funny or something to kill some trees for this Master of teh ghey. The books include: Halo: The Fall of Reach A bunch of little whiny six-year olds fail at saving a planet from complete pwnage. Halo Graphic Novel Halo characters Bungie didn't care enough about to make stories for now have their own book. That's really it. Just a bunch of drawing. Oh, and there's porn in it. Drawn porn. Tentacle porn going into child anus with Master Queef watching over them with a huge metallic phallus. Yeah. Go buy it. Halo: The Flood The game put into a book. YAWN. Oh, and sometimes the faggot aliens point of views are shown but nobody cares because they die soon anyway. Halo: First Strike Note: This is NOT the first of the series of books, even though it is called the FIRST strike. Fagtards, you will be confused. The same six-year olds blow up a gigantic space station whose 1337 skillz are naught. Halo: Contact Harvest The following is an actual excerpt from the book, it is not fanfiction: She put her hands on Avery's shoulders and pushed him onto his back. Sitting astride his ankles, Jilan helped him with his pants. Then she crept upward, planted her hands on either side of Avery's head, and began to move. Avery was instantly entranced by the back-and-forth sway of her bosom. He cupped the weight of her in his hands and knew at once he'd made a tactical error. The heavy roundness of Jilan's skin started an ache that crept up his legs and settled on the small of his back. All she had to do was squeeze, and a moment later he was spent. Best Novels Unlike Origin Software, Bungie completely denies that they ripped off or were even inspired by Larry Niven's Known Space novel series. Bungie completely denies that the mind-controlling Flood were inspired by the mind-controlling Puppeteers, OR the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Covenant, were inspired by the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Kzinti, OR the ancient human ancestors that built the Halos called the Forerunners were inspired by the ancient human ancestors that built the Ringworld called the Pak, OR the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Flood called the Halos were inspired by the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Puppeteers called Ringworld. However, Bungie has admitted that they were inspired by Frank Herbert's Dune, with its spice Melange to describe Master Chief's life-sustaining and mind-altering addiction to cocks. Halo:Legends File:720X405 legends 3.jpg The image that caused 13-year-old fanboys to shit brix Why ruin the gaming world when you can ruin the cinematic one too? That's right, someone thought it was a good idea to make halo an anime. The video itself is comprised of peoples sob stories and shows how much women fail in the army and should just stay in the kitchen. The only thing good about it is that it FINALLY explains what the fuck is happening in the halo story line. All the stories are shit. One is based on Dragon Ball Z and another is horribly filter raped. A small shitstorm ensued on Halo forums when a picture of a teddy bear keychain started popping up in relation to one of the collab vids called Homecoming. This caused all the 13 year olds to collectively shit brix at the thought that maybe their hyper-masculine franchise might have a sensitive side to it. Fanboys Official Halo product. Despite its lack of Italian plumbers and blue hedgehogs, Halo may be the most fanboyed game of all time.     “   wow, i think these people cant handle th fact that they suck at Halo. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Halo http://encyclopediadramatica.ch/Halo Not only that, i cant find ONE single article about them liking a game. Anyway, those pages alone have turned me off these websites.   „     —Igloobanana, [2]     “   Wait wait wait You go to a website which is meant to make fun of everything, and you complain about them making fun of things? Derp. Also, Halo sucks.   „     —Haylias, responding to previous     “   the website IS made to make fun, yes, but that doesn’t mean you gotta make fun of the people who play it. Hell, they insulted Sgt. Johnson. You just don’t do that. ever. and is it the fact that IT sucks, or do you simply suck at it? Or is it that you do not like FPs games at all? what reason do you have?   „     —Igloobanana, to previous     “   I've beaten Halo: Combat Evolved on every level. The cool thing is the ending when you beat it on Legendary Mode. I would tell you what happens in the legendary ending but I don't what to spoil it for you. It's worth seeing though. I don't know why, but I think the last level (The Maw) is the EASIEST level to beat on Legendary. I mean, once you get a shotgun and Rocket Launcher, or at least when Iget a shotgun and a Rocket Launcher. If anybody needs help, you could always ask me!   „     —Mike, [3] Previous Quote | Next Quote See Also An Halo - Halo fanboy who scores -1 in RL Another official halo product bungie.net - the Bungie official website of cocksucking doghnuts. The mods ban anyone who doesn't worship Bungie and love to suck cock. Daniel Petric - A kid who pwned and attempted a double-kill his parents in the head for taking away his copy of Halo 3. This guy is fucking hardcore and a perfect example of why Daniel should run Bungie because he 1-shots IRL and doesn't afraid of anything. DJ KEEMSTAR - This guy rage quit Halo IRL after realizing Reacharound was a failure and tryed to copy COD lulzzz Doom Flood detected Halo Store - A gay store filled with action figures and condoms so you can fuck your blow up doll. How Halo Reach ruined my life - Another amazing copypasta story related to Halo: Reach. (Picture on the right is very relevant). Machinima - Probably the gayest part of Halo. Fags like Roosterteeth made a fortune making videos off this garbage franchise and are now owned by Microsoft, Bungie and no longer think for themselves. Martyn Lee Ball Metroid - Where Bungie got their inspiration for Halo Pretty cool guy TimeSplitters Unreal Tournament External Links An honest and true review of Halo 3. Basement dweller pwned parents because they took away his Gaylo 3. It is not known whether he teabagged them after the deed or not. The worst fanfiction of all time Typical Halo fanboys JewTubes Faggot who thinks Gaylo is real Another reason why people shouldn't even be playing shitty games like this in the first place. SORRY! BALEETED BY USER... Master Chief finishes the fight Halo is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.