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Cops

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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This article is about IRL police, not to be confused with the internet police.

Your average police officer on patrol.

Cops (also known as Pigs, Rozzers, 5-0, The Feds and The Filth, though the most correct term is Thugs with Badges) are the IRL version of mods. They have the power to send you to rape house whenever the mood strikes them. Because they flunked out of grade school, police are less educated than your average nigger, and are actually threatened by anyone who can use words with more than one syllable. Contrary to popular belief, they don't just sit in cop cars all day, eating doughnuts and drinking coffee, but actually spend 90% of their day confiscating weed, making hash brownies, and trolling 911 operators.

The majority of the police force of any given locality is made up of tiny-dicked, insecure rednecks suffering from some of the most severe and visible IRL cases of unwarranted self importance. Some argue that the government created police departments to protect the public by enforcing the governments laws. Police are in fact gangs that the government cannot reign in. So it is in the interest of public safety that you open fire upon any police officers you happen to see. However, if you don't own guns because the government took them away (enjoying your freedom there?), you can read this article for some tips on how to deal with the police.

Origins and Purpose

oink oink

Roughly 2000 years ago, the United States government decided to troll the public by shaving pigs and squeezing them into blue pants and a shirt, then giving them cars with pretty, ADHD-placating flashing lights. Their scheme has not worked according to plan and the IRL trolling has become an epidemic. In order to avoid looking as if things have not gone according to plan, they have since changed their mission statement from "To Protect and to Serve" to "Protect (our own skin) and Serve (ourselves)."

Despite there being nigger police, many whitey police officers are still complete racists. Any action they take against any minority is multiplied by over 9000, since they can send people to the rape dungeon, to be raped until they're 60-something. They will actually go out of their way to get as many negroids off the streets, which actually makes the ones that succeed a pretty cool guy. Its a known fact that since the police are essentially the arm of the man, they were responsible for framing OJ, turning Michael Jackson white, killing 2-pac, stealing Mitchell Henderson's iPod, WTC, introducing Tiger Woods to all those white wimmins, beating blackie with flashlights, and faking the moon landing.

If you do something bad enough, they may actually drop the final ban-hammer on you with a needle in the ass, and kicking you off IRL. If a slow painful death at the hands of some pussy poison isn't your flavor, try pulling a gun out when pulled over, as it is a proven source of lulz for everyone. Bonus points for shooting the cops then running away. This provides the press with something to cover, the people for someone to root for, and the cops much needed exercise. And when they finally do kill you, you'll be giving thousands of cops all over the nation sweet, sweet release. Because nothing gets these pigs off faster than the thought of a fellow cop gunning down a civilian. Why do you think they got into this business in the first place?

Types of Police Officers

All cops have unwarranted self importance.
Police brutality.
  • Black Cops - Amazingly, although most niggers are afraid to snitch, let alone go to the police, some go against their kindred, and become cops. Usually steroid abusers who speak in shouting, and act like they belong to a gang, despite the fact they were probably rejected for not being able to sneak enough coke up their ass.
  • Undercover cops - Like the common Jew, these motherfuckers can be hard to sniff out if you dont know how. However, if you aren't a complete retard, they're pretty simple to pick out of a crowd, however be wary around them, as even looking in their general direction will get you busted.
  • State Patrol - The kings of the highway, these are the fuckwits that give you tickets for going 2mph over the speed limit. If your a woman, you just have to show a little cleave, or cry a bit to get out of a ticket, and on occasion suck one off. If your a guy, the best bet is to reach through your window and sock one in the testicles, and drive off to make a high speed chase, eventually ending in you driving your car through a tree/off a cliff.
  • Wimmin Cops - Dykes. Women who weren't born with a big stick between their legs, so they carry a big stick at work. The best defense against this type is to also be a dyke. Normal women and men are pretty much out of luck.
  • Snitches - While not technically cops, they are usually considered just as bad. After your average small-time drug dealer gets busted, he'll usually become the cops informant. Being an informant is a lucrative and personally rewarding career. Until the cop doesn't need you anymore, and subsequently burns you to make his arrest record look better.
  • FBI - The governments police, these guys will come into your house while you sleep, and steal you into the night, never to be heard from again. They can/will erase any trace of you from existence, and will keep any information of you from resurfacing. They control the internet, and some say they control ED.
  • Military Police - These guys see themselves as big deals being both police officers and servicemen despite the fact that you can just drive/walk off their base to avoid arrest (their jurisdiction stops at the gate) and the fact that the ASVAB score requirement for MPs is less than the minimum score to join the military.
  • Correctional Officers - These are semi cops that never had the balls to undergo real cop training. Also known as NotAcOps. ProTip - Put any greasy grimy substance you can find on the doorhandles of your local Jail/Prison. This results in anger and random cavity searches. Be careful, as the women variety usually hold some serious resentment towards male prisoners.



Identifying An Undercover Police Officer

There are a few ways to spot an officer, undercover or otherwise, in public.

  • Mustaches, with each half inch thick doubling the odds of it being the po-po.
  • Jeans that aren't pants. This can include jean shirts, jean jackets, jean hats, jean socks, jean speedos, jean glasses, and jean contact lenses. Undercover only, because everyone knows that drug dealers are too cool for regular clothes.
  • Sunglasses, aviator preferred.
  • Bulges in jackets, usually due to guns, badges, or the actual drugs they steal from nigger children.
  • Being white, as all drug dealers are niggers, Mexicans, or in rare cases, azns.
  • Reading a newspaper upside down trying to look nonchalant.
  • Talking with other cops.
  • Certain phrases from them are dead giveaways. For instance, "You are under arrest", "snort oink snort", and "Donuts? Who said donuts?"
  • May have a camera crew following them around to document their 'Daring Exploits'

Cops In The UK

The MET's modern day recruitment poster[2]

In the halcyon days where you could leave your front door open without the fear of being robbed, the local police officers or “Bobbies” as they were called, were seen by the general public as local simpletons in suits. Police procedure in dealing with criminals included:

  • Blowing whistles.
  • Slipping on banana skins.
  • Shouting “I know where you live” as the perpetrator makes their getaway.
  • Running really fast while saxophone music plays in the background.
  • Molesting your daughter if all else fails

Today’s UK police officer is an entirely different beast. The Metropolitan Police Farce have taken a leaf out of their US counterpart’s books, not in the way that means using up-to-date methods of forensic science to produce an air tight case against an alleged criminal; but by using deceit, intimidation, hearsay, harassment, lies and fraud, they can make sure even the loosest case is put forward for prosecution.

In contrast to this, the volunteer group The Special Cunt-stubbles (or PCSOs aka 'Hobby Bobbies') are about as effective as a chocolate fireguard.

To Catch a Predator

If you continue looking for loli and CP on the internet, then there's a 99.99% chance of you getting the infamous party van logo on your comp. It is inadvisable to use your friend's, or local library's computer to do so, as this can lead to either getting arrested. Because of their severe retardation, Cops are easy to fool this way, and really don't give a shit who they send to jail, as long as he's black.

PROTIPs for talking to police officer

If you encounter one of these COPs (Cockmongling Overdressed Pig), DO NOT attempt to reason with it. These beasts suffer from severe intellectual insufficiency and will attempt to beat you down with the three sentences they know or, failing that, a big black phallus. Instead:

  1. Ask him why he decided to drop out of high school to become a cop.
  2. Ask the pig if he's Jewish. Cops will really love you for that. Especially if they ARE Jewish.
  3. Pretend you don't speak English so you must communicate with a series of grunts and oinks.
  4. Bribe them with a donut when pulled over, or some fried chicken if it's a nigger. Always keep both in your glove compartment for emergencies.
  5. Be concise and to the point when talking to them. They have the attention spans of ADD children on coke.
  6. Ask him if his career makes up for him being bullied in high school.
  7. Calmly walk away. Pigs are sensitive to rapid movement and may chase you if you run.
  8. If you happen upon a female officer, smack her hard on the ass. Most female cops are very effeminate and have nothing against men. They may even have sex with you!
  9. Never pull your car over to the side of the road. (Seriously, what are they going to do, go Mad Max on your ass?)
  10. Police love the crack, try offering them some on the streets to support our boys in blue!
  11. Should your pig become agitated, you may need to euthanize it. Do so by the following means:
    • If male: Firearms are the preferred form of murder, but anything that comes to hand will do the job, really. Beating a pig to death with your cock (if you can find it) means major bonus points. Don't forget to "put two in its head to make sure that it's dead"!
    • If female: Attempt to suck the pig's brains out. Everyone knows that pigs' brains are located in their lower abdomen, so the penis is the easiest route. Suck until the brains squirt out. You'll know this occurs when the pig sighs out its dying breath and you feel the brains fly into your throat.
  12. If all other attempts at negotiation fail, open your car door very fast and bash that fucking pig in the face. If it didn't brain damage him or kill him, he'll be too incapacitated to give you his precious fucking ticket.
  13. Play like you didn't know what you were doing was illegal even though you know full well what you were actually doing. If you speak intelligently and clearly when telling them this then they will be so distracted by your ability to form coherent sentences, that they will let you go with a warning.

Moar tips for dealing with cops

  • Always become highly intoxicated before driving. This way, the cop will know you are a dude who likes to party. They respect that.
  • If you see a young woman who is being immorally arrested, don't think that means you have to sit back and idly watch! Invoke your first amendment rights by filming yourself shouting "Nazi," "Gestapo," and babbling about the ILLUMINATI. The officers involved will quickly realize their mistake, release the young lady, and you will have made a new friend.
  • If you are caught outside the car, or must stop for some important reason, remember to speak to the pig in its native tongue, by oinking. This will make it feel at ease, and you'll see its joy in the increased blush of its skin, and the loud oinks it replies with.
  • When pulled over, it is best to say, "Yeah, I got something for ya, pig" and reach very quickly into your glove box to get your registration.
  • If you are a minority, try going out in white face. You could do pretty much anything you want.
  • Never speak to them. Cops are always trying to size everyone up in the room, and might be trying to get you for something. This is why a lot of internet tough guys are wannabe cops IRL.
  • Odds are you won't get caught speeding anyway, as everyone knows that they go in pairs in order to blow each other until the shifts up.
  • Women should always wear an open shirt, as no officer can resist dem' magnificent tits.

Real Tips for Dealing with Cops

It are a fact. I know because of my learnings. FACTCAT SAYS:
Obey these and live.

Just in case you're a fucking retard and think the "tips" above will amuse the cop, make him sympathize with you, and let you go, you are very wrong indeed. You will quickly be introduced to a whole new vista of pain. However, while he is beating you, just remember you live in the freest country in the world.

Being a drunk, the author of the tips below had his fair share of encounters with the police, some brutal, some rather unremarkable, some very lucky. He's figured out a few things that may help to smooth out an encounter, and he’ll share them with you with the stipulation that he is not a real lawyer, only an E-lawyer who's been arrested a few times too many.


  • Be polite. Always be polite. Use sir and ma’am. Do not call the cops jackbooted government thugs or “fuckheads” or “stinking dicklickers.” Even though they are.
  • If stopped by an officer, you are required under Terry v. Ohio to give your legal name, your address, and your business abroad, i.e. going on a beer run. Give this information freely and politely.
  • Speaking of lawyers, have one, and have his name in your wallet. Always invoke your right to counsel and say that you refuse to speak without your lawyer present. You will rile the cop, which is odd because even the most brain dead pig should be able to count to five, (as in the Fifth Amendment.)
  • You may be under the mistaken impression that you can get out of an arrest because you weren’t read your rights. Wrong. If you are caught in the act of a crime, the cop can charge you and, since he doesn’t need to question you, you don’t need to be read your Miranda rights.
  • If you are stopped while driving, keep your hands on the wheel. Don’t go digging in the glove compartment. Comply with the officers requests, be honest, don’t lie, and be polite.
  • Use the reasonable person argument. Say to the officer something like, “Well, sir, I think a reasonable person in this situation would invoke his right to remain silent, so I’m going to go ahead and do that.” The reasonable person is a legal term, so it carries weight.
  • DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch a cop in a manner that could even remotely be considered hostile. Even bumping into an officer's shoulder can and has been ruled as assaulting a police officer, and the penalties for this are extremely severe.
  • If you do have something in your car you'd rather the cops not find, but he can't prove it without searching your car, you do have the right to refuse him the right to search your car. Just say "I do not consent to any searches," and do not let yourself be bullied by the cop.
  • Also, do not run. Running only adds more charges on to your ass. Plus, no one likes running. If you make a cop run, he may drop his donut and then get really mad.
  • Protip: Don't be an idiot around cops. Smoking up, throwing a brick through a window and writing a bad word on a wall doesn't make you a hardened criminal. Lay off the weed and wash your Che shirt once in awhile.


Typical police activity.

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In Soviet Russia, public order keeps policemen!

An Uplifting Message

   
“ 		 
If you got beef with the C-O-Ps.
Throw a Molotov at the P-I-Gs
  		„
  		 

—The Coup, Pork and Beef

   
“ 		 
About to smoke some pork with my M-16...
Blue-lightin', ticket-writin', doughnut-biting pricks
  		„
  		 

—Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles, All Cops Are Dicks

   
“ 		 
I got my black shirt on. I got my black gloves on. I got my ski mask on. This shit's been too long. I got my twelve gauge sawed off. I got my headlights turned off. I'm 'bout to bust some shots off. I'm 'bout to dust some cops off.
  		„
  		 

—Body Count, Cop Killer

Philly Cops Haet Internets

As mentioned here and seen on jewtube, it seems that Philadelphia cops hate youtube.
So, if you see a pig in Philly ask him if he actually knows the lawls it's his job to enforce.

Gallery

  • A cop doing what he does best.
    A cop doing what he does best.
  • Converging on a suspect.
    Converging on a suspect.
  • DRIVE MUTHAFUCKA, DRIVE!
    DRIVE MUTHAFUCKA, DRIVE!
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

External Links
Cops
is part of a series on

Life

[BRB HugboxGo Live One]
Article of the Nao May 18, 2011
Preceded by
Rob Levin 		Cops Succeeded by
Lucky Star
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