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Lauren Faust: Difference between revisions
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==External Links== | ==External Links== | ||
* {{dauser|Fyre-flye|deviantART}} | |||
* {{dauser|Fyre_flye|Twitter}} | |||
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lauren_Faust Lauren Faust's Wikipedia Page] | *[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lauren_Faust Lauren Faust's Wikipedia Page] | ||
*[http://rule34.paheal.net/post/list/lauren_faust/1 You know you want to click this one] | *[http://rule34.paheal.net/post/list/lauren_faust/1 You know you want to click this one] | ||
*[http://www.bronydoc.com/ Link to her awful documentary] | *[http://www.bronydoc.com/ Link to her awful documentary] | ||
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[[Category:Internets Phenomena]] | [[Category:Internets Phenomena]] | ||
[[Category:Subcultures]] | [[Category:Subcultures]] | ||
[[Category:Hipster Shit]] | |||
Revision as of 20:45, 27 February 2013
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WARNING: With Jews, you lose! |
Lauren Faust is a crimson-haired hipster dyke and devil worshipper best
known for creating the abomination known as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. She's a well-known writer and animator in the cartoon business who has worked on shows such as The Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Many people mistakenly think she made these shows, but they were actually made by her husband, Craig McCracken, with Lauren serving in various underling positions and sucking his cock during coffee breaks.
She's also a feminist and outspoken critic of gender stereotypes in cartoons, which doesn't make a tremendous amount of sense seeing as she's someone who has dedicated her life to making gay girly shit that everyone thinks is stupid. But hey, nobody ever said feminists were smart.
A brief search on Google Images may lend you the impression that Lauren Faust is hot, but you'll notice that all the hot pictures were taken around 10 years ago. In the time since then, Lauren Faust has aged as well as a trout fillet left out in the summer sun (she smells like one too!), and has developed an unfortunate liking for terrifying eye make-up. Lauren is consequently best avoided for these reasons, and also because she is often surrounded by neckbearded fans of My Little Pony, who revere her as their God and will defend her honour to no end.
The Exotic Life of Lady Faust
Lauren Faust is of German and Polish descent, which can be explained by the fact that her grandfather was a Nazi foot soldier and part-time Auschwitz guard who got a little frisky with a turnip farmer during a brief vacation in Poland. Lauren's father was the result of this union, and after making his fortune selling pączki, he immigrated to the US and married a one-armed Lithuanian hooker, who helped him run a child prostitution ring. After years of having highly deformed, stillborn children, Lauren Faust was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday, July 13th, 1974.
Early Life
As a young child, Lauren spent most of her free time by herself in her room watching cartoons and playing pretend games with pony toys. This served as an excellent distraction from her father's alcoholic rages and the screams that often echoed up from the children locked up in her basement. It also fostered creativity and a deep-seated hatred for human life. At the age of seven, Lauren decided that she'd had enough and poisoned her dad with her chemistry set, causing him to contract cancer and die a rather undignified death. With her domineering father figure gone and no longer shackled by the chains of the patriarchy, Lauren revelled in her newfound freedom and plotted to realize her dream of joining the Church of Satan and creating children's cartoons with subliminal messages in them.
Schooling
Lauren Faust attended the California Institute of the Arts, where she studied to be an animator. She also took an assortment of women's studies classes, having been drawn in by feminism's hatred of men which she herself shared as a result of her many negative childhood experiences, such as being unable to find a boyfriend and being molested by the school janitor when she was 12. However, she soon grew bored of all of the stuffy, artsy types she had to study under, and decided to fast-track her career by sucking off an MTV producer in a truck stop bathroom, which landed her her first job. A hard lesson learned, to be sure, but women's empowerment rarely comes easy.
Her Illustrious Career
Ms. Faust has built up quite a name for herself in the cartoon business over the years. Let's take a gander at her fine accomplishments.
Early Work
All of Lauren's early work consisted of stupid bullshit nobody cared about, until she had the good sense to shack up with her boss, Craig McCracken, while she was working on The Powerpuff Girls as a fluffer.
After using Satanic rituals to hex her Powerpuff-producing paramour, they both married and formed a dynamic duo of cartoon-shitting dorks. After finishing up Powerpuff Girls, they spent a few years working on Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, in which Lauren appears under the name Frankie Foster and subliminally encourages children to listen to Marilyn Manson and kill themselves. As it turned out, inserting an avatar of herself into the cartoon backfired slightly, as many of Foster's possessed fans began to make huge quantities of Rule 34 of her screwing the show's characters. A Faustian bargain, to be sure.
Curiously enough, despite the unexplained spike in child suicide among its viewers, Foster's won numerous awards and cemented Lauren Faust's status as a respectable figure in the cartoon business. She later decided to strike out on her own, trying to pitch a show based on a bunch of shitty toys she created called Milky Way and the Galaxy Girls. Sadly, her pitches remain unsuccessful to this day, and while Ol' Fausty would have you believe that it's due to rampant sexism in the industry, the real reason is that it's an uninspired rip-off of Sailor Moon and Bratz. Fortunately, she would soon get a very lucrative job that salvaged her career.
Friendship is Magic, Maaaaaan
After years of declining viewership and toy sales, Hasbro sought to revitalize its longstanding My Little Pony franchise. A survey of its focus groups demonstrated that 9 out of 10 pre-school aged girls thought the show was gay and didn't want to watch it, and while the toys had seen a surge of popularity among firework enthusiasts, by and large, little girls were no longer interested in My Little Pony, having been won over by Jersey Shore and its competing toyline of Snooki collectables. It was decided that they needed some new talent to work on a new show and toyline, and a chance meeting between Lauren Faust and a Hasbro executive at a bawdy massage parlour ensured she was the lady chosen for the job.
Naturally, Lauren initially wanted to make the new My Little Pony show Sailor Moon with ponies, but after being threatened with the banhammer by Hasbro's Marketing Department, she settled on making it The Powerpuff Girls with ponies instead (she was never very original). Distraught by the idea of a bunch of cute, colourful horsies kicking peoples' asses, Hasbro cut her a deal, promising to give her near-unlimited creative freedom so long as she didn't inject any of her usual man-hating violence and Satan worship into the show. Reluctantly, Lauren agreed, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was the fruit of her labours.
The Poor Ponies of the Apocalypse
Much to everyone's surprise, in addition to being popular among lolis, Friendship is Magic gained a cult following among furfags and teenagers with Asperger's Syndrome, who praised the show for its superb writing, animation, and characterization. They came to refer to themselves as bronies, and proceeded to flood the internet with autism and over 9000 pornographic pictures of ponies. This unexpected influx of male fans came as a complete surprise to Lauren, who had expected the show to be dismissed as a piece of shit by just about everyone due to the fact that there was no ass-kicking in it.
While she saw the brony subculture's existence as a great way to promote her feminist ideology (which of course aimed to turn men into psychologically crippled, emasculated losers so she could take over the world), Lauren Faust also realized that any extensive involvement with the fandom would be professional suicide, as by now the internet had realized that bronies were all horse fuckers whose parents didn't beat them enough. She stuck to giving interviews to respectable news outlets, and her involvement with the fandom was relegated to a few fleeting comments on her DeviantArt page. Sadly, despite her cautious approach, bronies ended up worshipping her as "Mother Faust" and saw her as a mother figure who supported their autism and rejection of gender roles (read: consolation prize for their lack of manliness). The few comments she made casually endorsing the brony fandom were quoted all over the four corners of the interbutts, and she gained celebrity status among bronies and non-bronies alike. This caused Lauren to start drinking heavily, resolving to spend less time on a site appropriately titled "DeviantArt."
Lauren Gets Canned
After discovering the existence of bronies, Hasbro began to suspect Lauren was up to her old, fiendish tricks of putting bizarre subliminal messages into her cartoons and proceeded to dismiss her from working on the show. Her response was to simply shrug and go back to working on whatever her husband was working on, which was what she always did anyway. Unfortunately, the damage was done, and stopping Faust's machinations didn't snuff the brony fandom out of existence like they had hoped. Hasbro then grudgingly accepted the fact that their cute, innocent show for little girls would be forever tainted by sweaty, forever alone 20-somethings who act retarded in public and flood the internet with badly drawn Rule 34 of all the show's characters. Protip: Mamas, don't let your daughters search for pony characters on Google. It will not end well.
Let's All Go To BronyCon!
As the brony fandom gained steam, My Little Pony-themed conventions started to spring up, attended by ever-increasing hordes of sweaty, cosplaying neckbeards whose idea of a good time was to sperg out over the show and dance around in circles while singing Winter Wrap-Up. While the show's voice actors were keen to attend most conventions because they were poor D-List shnooks hoping to cash out by selling autographs for $25 a pop, Lauren Faust was well-off enough not to bother getting out of bed for pocket change. She did decide to attend one convention, out of good faith, and went to BronyCon 2012. She soon came to regret this decision, as the entrance of their cult leader into the building caused bronies to go wild and simultaneously chant out "All hail Queen Faust, Our Lady and Saviour!" It was at this moment Lauren had a change of heart with regards to her feminist ideas, as she was so repulsed by this pathetic sight that she decided that maybe turning men into spineless, woman-worshipping drones wasn't such a good idea after all. In any case, it was too late for these people, so she did her piece and peaced out, burning all the presents bronies gave her and spending her remaining time in New York drowning her sorrows in a gay bar with a lesbian escort named Sabrina Wild-Thighs.
There's a Documentary Coming Out?
While all this was going down, a couple random dudes nobody cares about decided to make some money off the backs of bronies and make a documentary about the brony fandom. Taking their inspiration from bronies' fervent Faust-worship, the guys making it promised bronies that the documentary would showcase what awesome, special snowflakes they were, and would tell the world that it was okay to be a brony. To further endorse this idea, they recruited their buddy, John De Lancie, a washed up actor whose only noteworthy role ever was as Q from Star Trek, and more recently, Discord from My Little Pony, who, go figure, was designed to be a cartoon version of Q. Anyhow, De Lancie's goal was to gain the support of more important MLP staffers to give the documentary more legitimacy. This he found in Tara Strong, Twilight Sparkle's voice actress and a well-endowed filthy Jew bastard to boot. Having earned the unofficial status of "Brony Queen" due to her great personality (conveniently located in her brassiere), Tara Strong was able to mobilize support for the documentary, as well as her friend and partner-in-crime, Lauren Faust. Lauren heard her out, and figured making a couple grand off of bronies to spend on her cocaine addiction and reagents for her demonic rituals was a great idea.
Together, they all worked to promote the documentary, which followed bronies as they left their basements to make their annual pilgrimmage to their favourite convention to buy overpriced stuffed animals and yiff in their hotel rooms with like-minded losers. It was originally given the title BronyCon: The Documentary, but they soon realized normal people had no clue what the fuck a BronyCon was, so they changed the name to Bronies: Horse Fucking Furry Faggots from Hell in order to widen the appeal.
Disappointed and Disillusioned
Not long after it appeared on Kickstarter, the documentary had drawn in over $340,000 from desperate bronies. This was accomplished in large part due to the inclusion of amazing bonuses for people who donated large sums of money, such as having Lauren draw Rule 34 of peoples' OC ponies. A small group of people who donated $10,000 or more got to have dinner with Lauren and all the other documentary's producers, which might have been an okay deal if they were all having dinner in Tijuana. Sadly, they instead had dinner at Applebee's, and the half-dozen retards who paid 10k to go there did the walk of shame. Lauren has often remarked that she wishes she remembered this, but sadly she doesn't because she made sure she was zoned out on painkillers at the time, one of many home remedies that makes socializing with bronies bearable.
Of course, contrary to popular belief, only a neglible minority of the brony fandom actually funded the documentary or had any interest in watching it with a serious mindset. Everyone else thought it would be a piece of shit circlejerk scam, and planned to pirate it and watch it together with the mentality of a Roman watching a gladiator fight. Unfortuantely, the two guys making it turned out to be dumb, narcissistic fucks who didn't take a cut of their considerable Kickstarter funding, instead hoping that sales of the documentary to rapt audiences would make them rich. This combined with a couple of extraordinarily retarded business decisions caused the documentary to tank faster than the Titanic after being hit by a barrage of cruise missiles. Thankfully, Lauren had the good sense to demand her cut before the documentary was released, and put the money to good use on drugs, whores, and yak's blood.
In Other News...
Lauren Faust has kept a low profile in the past few months after the fallout from the many brony-related disasters that have piled on over the past couple years. She's taken to working studiously on Wander Over Yonder, one of her husband's new cartoons that's kind of like Milky Way and the Galaxy Girls, only it doesn't suck. She also enjoys making jokes about pony farts on her Twitter account and scaring small children who walk by her house by chasing after them with a Buffalo skull over her head and yelling "Sieg Heil!"
Lauren Faust gets Punk'd
At some point last thursday, some Eurofag from the NCF decided to prank call Lauren Faust at 3:00 AM pretending to be a retarded brony who wants to fuck Rainbow Dash. Hilarity ensued.
Lauren Faust gets Rule 34'd
Not long after the brony fandom got the idea of making Original Character, or OC Ponies (*cough*, furries, *cough*), dear Ms. Faust made the horrendously naive mistake of making her own OC Pony, which she gave her likeness and affectionately called "The Fausticorn." Predictably, within about 3 picoseconds, bronies started making porn of it. While porn of celebrities happens to be quite common on the interbutts, horse porn of celebrities is not, and Lauren can count herself fortunate to being among the small, proud minority of people who've had the privilege.
Inspirational Quotes from the desk of Lauren Faust
—Lauren Faust trying to pretend her boring-ass show deserves special recognition. Okay Lauren, you're the Queen of the Short Bus, you can sit down now. | ||
—Lauren Faust, apparently unaware that boys are very interested in girl things, as evidenced by all the Rule 34. | ||
—I heard this while I was lurking outside her window one evening. | ||
See Also
External Links
deviantART- Twitter
- Lauren Faust's Wikipedia Page
- You know you want to click this one
- Link to her awful documentary
- Link to an ILLEGAL TORRENT OMG of her awful documentary
- Lauren's panel at Bronycon
- A lovely fan animation where Lauren Faust gets stalked by a giant robotic bug from Starcraft
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Lauren Faust is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article February 26 and 27, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by 4chan |
Lauren Faust | Succeeded by Incumbent |