Cat

Cat: n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. -Ambrose Bierce

Cats are furry ornaments owned by people who fuck up in life and will die alone. They serve as child-substitutes for lonely fags and dykes, many of which like to photograph their cats and post the pictures in whatever social networking site they drain their life at. Most internet users find it easy to relate to cats (as both are lazy, antisocial, egocentric, never-satisfied cynics that overreact to everything), which is why cats have become the official animal of the internet.

Hazards

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path; however, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, as cats are completely useless.

Because their claws and teeth are just for show, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk. Pointing it at their target will cause most people to weird out; most, not all. Once they turn away, the cat will be free to further his diabolical deeds, the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives and eating their owners.

Keep out of reach of children

Montecore (center) took umbrage at two German buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his Schwester

Tatiana: Her penchant for SOUSAge was to be her ruin

"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit

Insert at your nearest river

As city_glitter has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because it raises money, creates internet drama, and as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment, it's okay. Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

But sometimes, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any Caturday thread on 4chan, and moralfaggotry and rage typically follow. An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act and upload the video to the Internet. Among the people who have utilized this method to great effect are Kenny Glenn, Luka Magnotta, and Zippocat.

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weeaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet.

Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.

Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...

Galleries

Animated Cats

See More About missing Pics

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  Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
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Captioned Cats

Captioned Cats About missing Pics

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  Comes in handy on road trips.
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  IS IT CAN BE HUGS TIEM NOW PLEES?
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  He has Mudkip on his team.
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  Zombie Cat
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  Whoopdefuckingdoocat DOES NOT CARE
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  Buritocat
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  Deviatedseptumcat wants to party hard.
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  Halp Meee!
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  Fuck you too.
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  Only in Asia
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  HAY GUISE
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  Submarinercat wants your periscope up.
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  QuestionCat
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  Painseriescat is not amused
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  For your image macro needs
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  One more for the road.
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  OMFGcat
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  Aww maaaan
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  I can't believe you've done this
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  WTFcat
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  He wants your n00dz.
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  Gentlemen
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  Lenin Cat
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  It are snow
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  TLDRcat
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  Look, dammit!
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  Pimpcat takes no shit from his bitches
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  Nyooom cat
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  OMG funnay. Now put your cock away, fgt
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  Microsoft certified
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  Spam machine!
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  MacCat is pwning Windows
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  It'll cost you, though
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  Schrödinger's cat
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  LOGGING IN WITH HIS MIND
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  Don't be fooled!
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  Lol, pwned
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  Kitty fixxes you up!
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  MOAR RAM
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  MacCat is laughing at you
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  1337 cat!
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  Haxxorcat
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  Eh, still better than AOL tech support.
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  Lol, n00b
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  This cat suffers from a victim complex. Take pity on the kitty.
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  Piracy is bad
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  Felis Erectus.
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  JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!
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  Fourth Year Theoretical Physics Degree Cat
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  But even after being subjected to animal abuse, your pussy will still love you. heart*heart*
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  wetcat does not want
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  I is legion
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  Cat 2.0
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  Nobody Luvs Him, whaaa!
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  o_O
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  Seriose kitn
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  Pooperkitten is not happy
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  b00bzCat wants UR n00dz.
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  Kung fu cat will show you his moves!
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  Supcat wants to know, Sup.
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  Juggercat wants you to stay out of his head.
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  The floaty-light
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  Kitty's confused
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  Spamcat got gipped!
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  Lololol
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  Kitty works hard for her money
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  ...proceed.
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  Y U DO DAT?
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  Eventually, cold hard reality sometimes sets in.
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  Cute incarnate in Shrek, to draw the ladies to a movie about a fat disgusting ogre.
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  HURRRRR
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  AnonCat
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  Asian cat is asian
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  Cavities don't fuck with cats.
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  Some cats are actually ninjas in disguise
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  It Are Cat
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  Call a Plumper!
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  For Great Justice.
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  HESA FIRIN HIS LAZER
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  Sand cat is not amused, either.
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  STFUcat says STFU
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  Dr. Kinsey-cat sees through your lies, woman
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  Nomnomnomnom
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  Pissoffcat says "Piss Off Bitch!"
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  Nobody escapes ethe masterlock!!
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  RAGE CAT hates you too.
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  OMG NO!
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  :)
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  moar Mooncat
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  Public education cat needs to learn more
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  Yiffcat is not amused!
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  VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
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  Sonic suicided with bricks and knives
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  Historic LOL Cat
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  Fuck off n00b.
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  Asiancat approving
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  Wilford Brimley cat
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  Poofkins
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  A common reaction to b
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  Rapecat's about to get imminent on that ass.
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  The warning came a bit too late
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  No niggers
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  Moarcat wants moar.
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  Infant cats feed on internets. Only by providing internets can a cat-owner raise it to be worthy of Caturday.
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  Moar!
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  Moar broccolisplz.
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Edited Cats

Edited Cats About missing Pics

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  After the "Owl and the pussycat"
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  Also Link
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  I surrender!
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  The Japanese eat all sorts of things.

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  Earth's greatest weapon
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  Moar catbread.
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  Vagina Cat Does Not Want
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  bitches don't know bout snipercat's magic bullitz.
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  Travoltacat
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  Giant Mutant Cat
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  Boozer cat needs his fix
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  Every dogs worst nightmare.
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  WTF!!! This are not Caturday!!!
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  Sportycat knows you are holding the team back
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  Terror
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  They also make excellent projectiles
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  PETA Cat
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  Just Watching... meaoooo
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  Huntercat knows the score.

Costumed Cats

Costumed Cats About missing Pics

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  Meanwhile in Japan...
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  zzzzzzzzzzzzz
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  Elton John cat is FABULOUS
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  Fucking ghey saudi cats.

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  Kaisercat
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  Typical Muslim cat.
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  He's a chikin
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  He's Link.
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  Kimono Kitty
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General

General About missing Pics

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• File:LOL Cats - General - Pelican Eats Kitty.jpg
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  Taunt your cat enough and he may go vigilante
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  The longer you stare, the funnier it gets!
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  O I C wut u did thar
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  Raepcat
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  Follow instructions, plzkthx
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  Submarinercat and his blueprints.
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  PedoCat
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  Some cats have gambling problems.
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  Cat sandwich
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  Japancat is stuck in a tree :-(
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  =(
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  Inly an Osia
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  BEHOLD I AM CAT JESUS
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  Reaction cats
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  Pocket kitty
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  "Hurro...I'm 33 PoundCat and here is the news."
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  delishuss sawsidge
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  He's an asshole, he wears fur.
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  miauu..2U understand?
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  He's got a bird on his mind.
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  Hop on baby!
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Drawings, Art & Cartoons

Drawings, Art & Cartoons About missing Pics

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  Ladies and Gentlecats, The Avengers!
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  Littil Newtin Is Lully
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  WTF cat is WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK
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  Catbus is everybody's favorite mode of transport.
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  Cats deliver pizza
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  The guy that makes all these horrible macros
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Disgusting & Disturbing

Disgusting & Disturbing About missing Pics

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  Don't make me kill it.
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  A free cat
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  Jew
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  An easy way to transport your pet
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  Fagcat is a faggot

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  Cyclops cat is watching you.
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  A domestic house cat
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  Cats hate water for a reason
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  A Barrel Of Dead Cats
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  Nutritious and delicious!
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  halp meh
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Memes

Memes About missing Pics

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  Longcat
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  Ceiling cat
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  Limecat
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  Arguecat
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  That Fucking Cat

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  Garfield
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  Serious Cat
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  Trashcat
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  Bincat
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  Speedycat
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  Tacgnol
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  Kitler
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  Heil Kitler
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  Zionistacat
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  Happycat
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  Covercat.
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  BIKECAT
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  Fishing Cat
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  Factcat
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  TOW cat has replaced Fact cat.
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  Tankcat
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  Monorailcat
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  Frinklecat
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  Tulip
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  Gravitycat
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  Octocat
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  Hovercat
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  Death Cat
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  Awecat
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  Burger the Angry Cat
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  Basement Cat
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  Dusty
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  Peter
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  Keyboard Cat
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  Grammar Nazi Cat
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  Party Cat
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  Hipster Kitty
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  Stare cat
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  Maru
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  Grumpy Cat
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  Business Cat

Cat Videos

General

Previous Video | Next Video

Watermelon Noms

Previous Video | Next Video

See Also

:3

• A cat is fine too
• Amber Baird
• Badmachine - An ED user who has a notable love of cats.
• Bincat
• Bonsai Kitten
• Business Cat
• Camrose Cat Killers
• Cat fight
• Catnarok
• CATS
• Caturday
• Crusadercat
• JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!
• Kenny Glenn The Animal Abuser
• Kittens
• LaraTheDarkAngel
• Meow Wars
• NEDM
• OMGWTFBBQCATS
• Schrödinger's cat
• Sea Kittens
• Sean Lynde
• Tyler Weinman
• Urlesque
• Wang Jeu

External Links

• UkrDramatica's article on this
• Man blames his cat for CP downloads.

Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats

A Cat Is Fine Too • Almost-Chan • Arguecat • Arrow Cats • Basement Cat • Berry And Friends • Bikecat • Bincat • Binkers • Bonsai Kitten • Bukkake Milk • Burger • Business Cat • Cat in Microwave • Cat on a keyboard in space • Catnarok • Caturday • Ceiling Cat • Chase 'No Face' • Colonel Meow • Covercat • Dangerous Kitten • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Drillcat • Emo Cat • Fishing Cat • FLOATERCAT • Frinkle • Garfield • Grumpy Cat • Happycat • Hipster Kitty • If it fits I sits • Inception Cat • Jarcat • Jewcat • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Lenincat • Lil Bub • Limecat • Lioncash • Longcat • Maru • Monorail Cat • Mutant Cats • Nyan Cat • Octocat • Orvillecopter • Peter • Poko Ono • Pusheen • Scuba • Secret Kitty Club • Serious Cat • Shironeko • Shocked and Appalled Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Silencer Cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Stalking Cat • Standing Cat • Starecat • Stalking Cat • Stubbs the mayorcat • Tacgnol • That Fucking Cat • Trollcats • Tubcat • Tulip • Weathercat • Wisdom Cat • YOUR CAT • Zippocat

Featured article October 24, 2006
Preceded by Jake Brahm	Cat	Succeeded by Wigger

Featured article August 7, 2009
Preceded by The Real Chris Chan‎	Cat	Succeeded by Bug Chasers‎

Featured article September 8 & 9, 2012
Preceded by Kloeri	Cat	Succeeded by JEWS DID WTC