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Revision as of 20:47, 7 May 2023

The Ancient Egyptians worshiped cats, because they thought they were funny. These vast cat heads were built underground and seen by no one.

Cats are furry ornaments vermin owned by the godforsaken; those who are destined to die alone. They serve as child substitutes for neglected fags and dykes, many of whom like to photograph their cats and post them for their own self-esteem on whatever social media site they drain their lives through. Most internet users find it easy to relate to cats (as both are lazy, antisocial, egocentric, never-satisfied cynics that overreact to everything), which is why cats have become the official animal of the internet.

Hazards

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path; however, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, as cats are completely powerless.

Because their claws and fangs are just camouflage for their warmth, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk (*). Aiming it at their target will cause most people distress (most, not all). But when they stand-down, the cat will be free to further his diabolical deeds, the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn onto humans hard drives and eating their owners.

Keep out of reach of children
Montecore (center) took umbrage at two German buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his Schwester
Tatiana: Her penchant for SOUSAge was to be her ruin

Killing Cats for Fun and Profit

Insert at your nearest river

As city glitter has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been burned in fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because it raises money, creates internet drama, and as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment, it's okay. Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

But sometimes, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any Caturday thread on 4chan, and moralfaggotry and rage typically follow. An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act and upload the video to the internet. Among the people who have utilized this method to great effect are Kenny Glenn and Luka Magnotta.

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weeaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet.

Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.

Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...

Galleries

Animated

  • Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
    Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
  • Cat fights are often amusing to watch!
    Cat fights are often amusing to watch!
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Captioned

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Fauxpics

  • After the "Owl and the pussycat"
    After the "Owl and the pussycat"
  • Also Link
    Also Link
  • I surrender!
    I surrender!
  • bread
    bread
  • The Japanese eat all sorts of things.
    The Japanese eat all sorts of things.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Costumes

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


General

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Drawings, Art, Comics & Cartoons

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Disgusting & Disturbing

  • Don't make me kill it.
    Don't make me kill it.
  • Jew
    Jew
  • Fagcat is a faggot
    Fagcat is a faggot
  • A Barrel Of Dead Cats
    A Barrel Of Dead Cats
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Memes

Cat Videos

General

Previous Video | Next Video

Watermelon Noms

Previous Video | Next Video

Sunflower Noms

Previous Video | Next Video

Cat video series

Previous Video | Next Video

Cats Getting Bathed

Previous Video | Next Video

They love it!

See Also

:3
:3

Things That Make Kitty Sad

External Links

Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats

A Cat Is Fine Too • Almost-Chan • Arguecat • Arrow Cats • Basement Cat • Berry And Friends • Bikecat • Bincat • Binkers • Bonsai Kitten • Bukkake Milk • Burger • Business Cat • Cat in Microwave • Cat on a keyboard in space • Catnarok • Caturday • Ceiling Cat • Chase 'No Face' • Colonel Meow • Covercat • Dangerous Kitten • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Drillcat • Emo Cat • Fishing Cat • FLOATERCAT • Frinkle • Garfield • Grumpy Cat • Happycat • Hipster Kitty • If it fits I sits • Inception Cat • Jarcat • Jewcat • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Lenincat • Lil Bub • Limecat • Lioncash Longcat • Maru • Monorail Cat • Mutant Cats • Nyan Cat • Octocat • Orvillecopter • Peter • Poko Ono • Pusheen • Scuba • Secret Kitty Club • Serious Cat • Shironeko • Shocked and Appalled Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Silencer Cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Stalking Cat • Standing Cat • Starecat • Stalking Cat • Stubbs the mayorcat • Tacgnol • That Fucking Cat • Trollcats • Tubcat • Tulip • Weathercat • Wisdom Cat • YOUR CAT • Zippocat

Cat
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals
Basic Concepts [-+]

Animal Abuse • Bestiality • Furry • Hunting • Taxidermy

Meet the Menagerie:

Badgers • Bats • Bears • Bees • Birds • Bunnies • California Pet Laws 1/1/19 • Cats • Chickens • Chihuahuas • Cows • Crabs • Crows • Dinosaurs • Dogs • Ducks • Eagles • Fish • Foxes • Frogs • Giant Isopods • Octopuses • Pandas • Parakeets • Parrots • Penguins • Pigs • Rats • Sharks • Sheep • Snakes • Spiders • Turtles • Walruse • Wolves

Featured article October 24, 2006
Preceded by
Jake Brahm 		Cat Succeeded by
Wigger
Featured article August 7, 2009
Preceded by
The Real Chris Chan‎ 		Cat Succeeded by
Bug Chasers‎
Featured article September 8 & 9, 2012
Preceded by
Kloeri 		Cat Succeeded by
JEWS DID WTC
Article of the Now September 20 & 21, 2022
Preceded by
Kirtaner 		Cat Succeeded by
Doom
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