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Tom Cruise (aka 'Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, born Jehuda Abraham Cohen), is a short, 4' 2", arrogant and small penised famous Hollywood star who went batshit crazy after Scientology failed to deliver on its promise to make him heterosexual. He had the utmost misfortune of being born both ghey and gay. Every self-loathing anal retentive Oprah fan wants to be penetrated by Tom Cruise's shriveled thetan-shooting sausage cannon. He is the reason Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian and Nicole Kidman is a pedophile. Tom Cruise was recently indicted because he killed a British soldier in Iraq, where he was seen donning his Maverick costume and firing up his "Topgun" F14 IRL trolling Brits. [1] As Scientology allows you to still be a part of other religions, Tom Cruise is also a Satanist and likes a big fat one in the mouth, in addition to being renowned for being a controlling lavendar bastard. [2]
Biography
Reincarnated from the ashes of Xenu at the base of Mount Fuji by the Scientologists to fulfill their goal of world domination, and spread the teachings of Scientology. 'cause it's real and everything.
Spouses
Tom has been married three times, with each marriage ending in divorce due to his Scientology beliefs, overt homosexuality, or a combination of the two. In a rare moment of lucidity, Tom actually admitted that Scientology "may" have been a factor in the failure of his latest marriage to Katie Holmes.
Psychological State
He is Batshit crazy!!!!!! and I can not emphasize this enough. Anyone that believes in Xenu is fucking crazy; also he jumped on Oprah's sofa screaming "I love Katie Holmes." But in reality, she is being held in Tom's basement with his man-slaves.
Public Opinion
More and more people are convinced that Tom Cruise is bugnuts crazycakes, and would benefit from some of the psychiatric care he loathes so intensely. It is also believed by many Atheists that god is proven not to exist, by the fact that Tom Cruise is somehow allowed to continue living. They are correct.
Music video for "Tom Cruise Crazy."
(Is Tom Cruise crazy?
Musician Jonathan "Still Alive" Coulton thinks so.)
Spawn of Scientology
After sacrificing his career to L. Ron Hubbard, baby Suri was delivered to the Holmes womb via spaceship on or around April, 2006. Cruise then went on record in GQ magazine as saying he would eat the placenta [3] because he'd seen a very tasty recipe on a box of Placenta Helper.
As for the name, well, he probably saw that in a J. Crew catalog because a Suri is one of two varieties of the alpaca -a domesticated breed of South American llama-like ungulates. [4] It looks like a sheep in appearance, but on stilts and has a long erect neck. It's also highly prized for its fleece, which is lighter and silkier than wool. Either that or the aliens delivered the wrong package, because it took a full six months for the alleged baby girl to be unveiled.
Caught in a "YOU WHAT?", Holmes scrambled to cover up the gaffe by explaining that Suri, is the Arab word for a "red rose". Cruise, however, stated that the name is Jew, for "princess". To which language experts then said "LOLDONGS! NO U!!!1. Cunt."
The most plausible theory thus far, is that "Suri" is a misspelling of Surrey, England, (the former home of L. Ron Hubbard), because Tom is dyslexic; or was so before Scientology cured him...NOT!!!1 [5]. Lulz!
There were also rumors that Tom planned to put a binky in Katie's mouth during birth because scientologists believe that loud noises will encourage Xenu to devour your child's soul or some shit.
If Tom had just wanted to keep her silent, he could have easily used a gag, the way sane men wanting their women to stfu do. However, using a pacifier proves that Tom is actually an adult baby who probably also gets off on shitting digested placenta into his diapers.
Recent shenanigans
Short
Tom (Douche) Cruise is actually a hobbit. He has had rumored homosexual relations with Samwise Gamgee, and he is literally 5 foot 1 which makes him a Shortman even in the hobbit's world. Many men like him soley because he is not only a walking headjob, but even if you're a huge loser(see: Fernando Alonso) you're still taller than him.
Today Show
Further cementing the fact that's he's gone off the rails, Mr Cruise has recently spoken out against psychiatry, declaring it a "pseudo-science". A citizen's watchdog group funded by Scientology later spoke out about Tom Cruise speaking out. This prompted millions of 50-year-old bi-polar wives to forsake their medication in an attempt to be serviced by Mr. Cruise.
On June 24, 2005, Tom Cruise made a controversial appearance on the Today Show. During his interview with host Matt Lauer, Cruise referred to actress Brooke Shields as a "crazy-ass bitch." He then stood on top of a table, and while holding his stomach in, Cruise loudly mocked weatherman Al Roker (nearby off camera) for allegedly following the Atkins Diet. He had to be forcibly removed from the studio after discarding his shirt and threatening to "draw these guns on Lauer".
Oprah
Oprah got raped by Mr. Cruise in front of live studio audience last Thursday. She later gave out free SUVs to all the members of the audience to celebrate.
Officially Coming Out of the Closet
He finally came out of the closet in an episode of the show 'South Park,' in which he enjoyed the closet until he realized that he was a major tool and a freak. His ex, Nicole Kidman, was quoted as saying, "Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet. You're not fooling anyone." He then gave into his inner urges and came out.
Cruise reportedly went all ghey on Paramount and threatened to sue if the offending program was ever shown again. Later on he decided to boycott the Mission Impossible 3 promotion, when the "Coming Out of the Closet" episode got a go-ahead for a re-run screening. The episode was later replaced with the Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls episode, and Isaac Hayes got butthurt about the Scientology jokes and quit the show. South Park declared war on Cruise and his many disciples, and said, "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has only just begun! Temporarily antagonizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies.... Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!" This drama was repeated for the South Park episode ridiculing Catholics, called Bloody Mary, which has been pulled off the air in particularly Catholic sensitive areas.
Nicole Kidman said later: "Tom has a problem with healthy society hating him because he is short. If the dirty, dysfunctional gays were to also reject him for being short when he comes out of the closet, he couldn't emotionally take it. I suspect he would have another mental break down and run around telling anybody who would listen that aliens are coming to earth to make him taller again."
Officially Hates Farts
Tom's apparent hatred for farts has infuriated him to the point of insanity. He has decided to use forensic evidence by way of a hidden camera (lol, pervert) to find the person and fire that person. He has therefore recognized himself as a douchebag. http://thelondonpaper.typepad.com/thelondonblog/2007/09/tom-cruise-not-.html
BEST BIRTHDAY EVAR!!!!
Tom Cruise recently celebrated his birthday on the Scifag mothership, "Free Winds". In this video you can see him sing and dance. Clearly he is a perfectly sane, well adjusted person.
Notice that Tom's BFF David Miscavige is at least three inches shorter than Tom, even after you add the stilts. Also notice how buff David is trying to look; his t shirt can barely contain his bowflex induced gun show. And all it took was just twenty minutes a day. And wearing a t shirt 3 sizes smaller than normal.
- Video removed? Boo**
Secret life
Tom Cruise may or may not be is a pedophile. There is evidence to support this apart from Mr. Cruise's personal collection of photographs depicting four-year-olds reenacting the lemonparty in Mr. Cruise's basement dungeon. He regularly posts these photographs on his personal LJ.
May possibly have had involvement in the 2007 "suicide" of celebrity photo and sextape broker David Hans Schmidt. To prevent him from releasing photos of his "wife" and hypno-slave Katie Holmes attaching, and removing a prosthetic latex "beach ball" pregnancy bump. Meaning that she staged her pregnancy, and Suri is adopted. Schmidt also possessed photos of Tom Cruise engaging in Satanic rituals, such as animal and blood sacrifice, along side David Miscavige. NOTE (L. Ron Hubbard was a satanist, and when you become a Scieno executive, you must involve yourself in satanism.)
Tom Cruise may have also been the celebrity that avant-gard director Kenneth Anger was referring to when talking in an interview about a star who got his foot in the door by being a gay hustler. According to Anger, this still unknown person eventually had so much VD that pus would seep out of his cock and through his pants.
Is the Co$'s 2nd in command, next to David Miscavige. Meaning that he is fully aware of, and is likely participating in, $cientology's criminal activities. e.g. murders, kidnappings, arsons, pet killings, burglaries, cutting of brake lines, etc. Which is what his "big secret" is. Which is why David Hans Schmidt had to die. Tom Cruise was introduced to Scientology by ex "wife" Mimi Rogers. And then learned that he could hide his homosexuality, and the fact that he was beaten, raped, and molested as a child, behind the church.
He also invented the glass hammer, rubber nails and the piano key neck tie. Also carries around a stool to stand on when changing Suri's shoes or washing the dishes. Prone to vertigo when walking up hill.
Christ of Scientology
In January 2007, Thomas, or as his mum calls him, John, is declared the new Christ of Scientology. His mission, should he accept it, is to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. Leader David Miscavige believes that in the future, Cruise, 44, will be worshiped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion. And for his incredible blow jobs.
Scientology sources said that 'Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.' 'Like Christ, he’s been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right.' Tom Cruise, as well as other major celebrities, are targeted and selected to join Scientology to bring positive publicity to, and advertise, the cult. And to help more people join in and fall victim to the financial scam that could also cost you your life if you're not careful.
Toms mum said little John has always been a fantasist and gullible fool, why it wasn’t two months ago he came home with some ‘magic beans’.
In January 2008 a video was released onto the net which proves unequivocally that cruise IS bat shit insane. It has been posted, deleted then reposted on JewTube since its release, other sites (unafraid of Tom's Zionist lawyers) have posted it for your lulzing pleasure here.
—Tom Cruise | ||
—Tom Cruise | ||
—Tom Cruise | ||
—Tom Cruise | ||
—Tom Cruise | ||
—Tom Cruise | ||
—Tom Cruise - on CoS taking over the World | ||
He just doesn't STFU
Tom provides unequivocal evidence that Jews did WTC:
Selected Filmography
Days of Thunder
A shitty film from the 90's (not the 80's you dumb fucks), where Tom met his second wife, who is some brain surgeon. Where he and some other douchebag repeatedly buttpoke each other and then drive around in racecars. He gets fired for being a prick and destroying two racecars at once, after almost dying in a crash. He pouts and cuts himself for awhile, then comes back in the black Mountain Piss car. Crying ensues and the movie ends, often with the audience hanging themselves with VCR wires. In other words, it's Top Gun except with cars.
Top Gun
Quite possibly the gheyest movie in cinematic history. He made out with Val Kilmer a.k.a Iceman in the shower to cheat on his gay lover Goose for going behind his back and fucking Meg Ryan, and making a baby, and then cheating on him again with some butchdyke bitch commanding officer. The movie finally ends with him shooting down some commies and causing another bitchy commanding officer to shit his pants in an air control tower.
It's Days of Thunder but with FIGHTER JETS!
Legend
In this movie, Cruise prances around a glittery forest being some kind of gay elf in his best Bosnian haircut, with a Peter Pan costume stolen from Michael Jackson. He battles the original Guy Fawkes in a red body suit for possession of the One Dildo, a powerful bestiality item made from a unicorn horn. In the end, he succeeds, and proceeds to surprise buttsecks the last living unicorn with it, which banishes winter and brings back summer. A great movie!
Magnolia
If you have seen this movie. you are gay or a women (multiple females fused to one body; see Scientology) or both. In this movie, Tom plays an asshole, but on purpose this time, and he says "Respect the cock, and tame the cunt! Tame it!" Like Stanley Kubrick in Eyes Wide Shut, the director of Magnolia (Paul "The One Who Does Not Direct Shitty Remakes Of Aliens" Anderson, who has since done this one movie about milkshakes), basically made this movie to make Tom cry like a bitch at some point or other. Really, the only reason any good directors make Tom Cruise movies, is to torture him somehow. Moreover, using Cruise for that role in Magnolia demonstrated the old directorial PROTIP: if your script has a character who is creepy/crazy/fat/drunk/ugly, then don't go looking around trying to cast an actor who would have to actually act in that role-- instead, just go find an "actor" who is as creepy/crazy/fat/drunk/ugly as the character is, and just point the camera at them and yell action!
Eyes Wide Shut
An awesome movie, where lulz troll Stanley Kubrick deviously concocts a lengthy and batshit insane plot to keep pussywhipped Tom from fucking anybody for over two and a half hours. These hours pass like molasses, but especially lulzy and naked molasses. The movie took several years to film, and while Stanley Kubrick was known to be a perfectionist who did over 9000 takes of every single shot, he mostly drew this particular movie's shooting schedule out because he wanted to watch Tom not get laid for at least 3 years. Then, in the punchline to his cruel joke on Tom, Stanley died. Tom probably still thinks this movie is serious business, but then Tom thinks everything is serious business. The reason he laughs a lot for no reason, is because he is letting out the lulz before they die of undernourishment and/or AIDS.
War of The Worlds
His rendition of his crazy Scientology fantasy of stopping doomsday robots with birds. (Pretty Lame because everyone wants to see him die.) The majority of the movie involves the audience wondering why he doesn't strangle the little bitch of a "daughter" every time she screams about something.
Collateral
Actually a good film, because he dies and the fact is, it is a very good depiction of what Tom Cruise is really like in real life - A homicidal maniac (moar like HOMO-cidal maniac, amirite?) with a gun. The only one worth watching. Warning: There's a black person in the movie, dragging down the cool rating by over 9000 percent.
Mission Impossible Trilogy QUADRILOGY
This is what gay people think Tom Cruise does in his normal daily life...but the movie remains the most popular by Tom Cruise fans. Essentially, every movie is a ripoff of The Bourne Identity in the way that Tom Cruise used to be a secret agent and now the Illuminati, and possibly commies, all want to kill him... Mix in some random explosions from the Bad Boys series and you have a Mission Impossible movie.
The Outsiders
One of Tom's few good movies, maybe because he isn't a total asshat in it, or because it makes fun of his big nose.
Vanilla Skies
Tom Cruise's obligatory whiny emoshit film about him being some rich dude who fucks some crazy blonde chick, Penelope Cruz, and then finally shows the limit of his sanity by escaping from a prison and screaming "TECH SUPPOOOORRRRRRRRT!" Then Neo kicks him out of the Matrix and the movie ends about 2 and a half hours later than it should have.
The Last Samurai
AKA Weeaboo: The First Wapanese. This is the shittest movie ever. The fact that Tom Cruise is white and trying to fit in with a group of AZNs can lead to a pretty fucking gay storyline. It's almost worth it because he gets the shit beat out of him every 20 minutes. Don't bother watching this bowl of badly-fermented natto; Richard Chamberlain (another closeted homo actor) served up a better dish of the whole gaijin-trapped-in-a-world-he-never-made shtick better 27 years ago in Shogun anyway — and with the delicious Yôko Shimada as dessert.
Minority Report
Tom Cruise plays the cop who lost his son and then is hell bent on finding teh killa. However, it is the future and these naked inbred autistic fucktards, are used by teh government to see into the further future. But unfortunately, they can only see future murders. The movie goes on forever and is super gay, and that's without seeing Tom Cruise. So anyway, turns out the old man that you think is his friend did it for the lulz all along. The whole subplot is this pseudo-intellectual bullshit about time paradoxes, which is blatantly obvious the moment you think the word future, but is explained in a way so that even some bricky tard can understand it.
Tropic Thunder
In this weird yet lulzy film about filming a film, some shitty actors get kidnapped Maddy style out in teh jungle, including Iron Man as a black person, Jack Black as Jack Black, another black person as himself, and this other guy nobody gives a shit about. Tom Cruise plays a rich, balding fat guy called Les Grossman (a portrayal of himself). Grossman is a raging faggot with a love for money cocks, who is funding the film. He goes batshit insane, when Steve Coogan fucks it up . Cruise is noted for his performance in this film, for making himself look like an even bigger dipshit than he already is. This is because, in a scene with a curly guy called Pecker, (I KNOW LOL) he dances like a proverbial twat to the song "Low" by Niggers (If you can find a video, you win ten internets because Cruise is constantly raeping the shit out of Jewtube).
Valkyrie
In this autobiographical Oliver Stone biopic about Cruise's life in the ranks of the Nazi army, the audience is taken back to when times were simpler, when eyepatches were still in style, and when the Jew problem was being handled. "A tour de Force performance!" say Ebert and Raeper. In the film, Tom's journey from latently homosexual fighter pilot, to batshit crazy Scientologist, nigger-lover is chronological in a style mirroring that of The Godfather Part II or Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. This movie was met with both critical and public acclaim and will win the hearts of viewers, young and old. SPOILER ALERT: Cruise fails it, but makes a really entertaining movie that's a propaganda film within itself. He speaks German briefly, and dreams of killing Hitler. Only to find bad acting fucks up everything. ZING LORD Xenu +2.
Losin' It
The most realistic depiction of Tom Cruise's career. It follows some teenagers, a nerdy kid brother, and a housewife going to Tijuana for various reasons. The teenagers are going there to lose their virginity, the kid is going there to buy fireworks, and the housewife is going there to get a divorce. Tom's character is too much of a pussy to get laid at a brothel, too much of a cuck to score with the housewife, and too much of a bitch to fight back when one of the other teenagers slaps him the fuck around.
Gallery
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Bitches Don't Know... -
People used to think Katie was a giant, but now they know better. -
Oprah being raped by Tom Cruise the Scientology way. -
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Anon on Tom Cruise -
Tom fapping -
Right this very moment, millions of housewives are masturbating to this picture -
Placenta...it's what's for dinner! -
needs moar Xenu -
Suri Cruise takes its first steps -
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fgsfds -
Just acting guys. Srsly. -
34 masterpiece (and fact)by User:Anonyratt. -
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A scene from "Eyes Wide Pools Shut" -
Tom is the holder of historic knowledge, k -
over 9000 JUMPS! -
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Pwnt. -
irl Tom Cruise -
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CONTACTING TOMCAT SERIOUS CAT
Tom Cruise 14755 Ventura Boulevard #1-710 Sherman Oaks, CA 91403-3672
Tom Cruise is professionally represented by agents of Creative Artists Agency, Inc. His agents are:
Kevin Huvane and Rick Nicita
These agents can be contacted at:
Creative Artists Agency, Inc. 2000 Avenue of the Stars Los Angeles, CA 90067
Phone: 424-288-2000 FAX: 424-288-2900
Mr. Cruise’s publicists are Paul Bloch and Julie Polkes at Rogers & Cowan Public Relations. They can be contacted here:
Rogers & Cowan Public Relations 8687 Melrose Avenue Pacific Design Center, Seventh Floor Los Angeles, CA 90069
Phone: 310-854-8100
See Also
- Chanology
- Scientology
- Leah Remini
- Susan J. Elliott This bitch is more bat-shit insane than Tom Cruise.
- Suri Cruise
- Valkyrie
- Verne Troyer 3 inches taller than Tom
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