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Latest revision as of 13:44, 27 January 2026

Welcome to
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Article of the Now

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson, or Wacko Jacko was a 50-year-old (if not dead, would've been a 67-year old) Albino manchild and alleged pedofag from the northwestern part of Indiana that is literally almost near Chicago who found fame and fortune as a homosexual pederast and so became a poster boy for NAMBLA. He could also sing and dance like an organ grinder's monkey. Born as a small black boy into a large family of singing and dancing chimps, he eventually struck out on his own to turn into a white tranny version of Diana Ross, travel around the world luring young boys, monkeys and Elephant Men to slumber parties at his very own castle, Neverland, and to prove once and for all that when the big hand touches the little hand, it's time to get the fuck right outta there!

On June 25th, 2009 Wacko Jacko was playing doctor with his personal aesthetician after a hard day rehearsing for an upcoming tour and after nagging the shit out of the poor IRL doctor about not being able to sleep, keeled over from an overdose of the hospital-grade elephant tranquilliser Diprivan (or "milk" to Jacko). Yes, that's right, great justice finally had its day as Jackson was put down by the Grim Ræper for being the damn dirty ape he is via lethal injection. Jackson's highly polished exo-skeleton will be stuffed with robotics and placed on display at Disney's Hall of Presidents.

Long rumoured to be the leading cause of ejaculations in underage bans, it wasn't until 2003 that the long arm of the law touched Jacko inappropriately when one of his many victims' mothers revealed lurid description of Jacko's wedding tackle after he ran out of hush money. Despite being legally a white woman, Captain EO played the race card like OJ in his/her 2003 pedophilia trial.

Amongst the train wreckage of a life full of batshit crazy behaviour, he leaves a legacy that includes being the author of W's controversial No Child's Behind Left plan and saving humanity from the Beatles voluminous catalogue of songs (after outbidding Paul McCartney for the publishing rights) by preventing iTunes from offering said drek to the public.

Always a controversial figure, he will nonetheless be fondly remembered for the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" on live TV at Super Bowl XXXVIII on February 1, 2004 in which he exposed his penis to Justin Timberlake during the half-time show

He is survived by Bubbles the chimp, the Elephant Man's remains, several children called Blanket, a surrogate babymamma, Macauley Culkin, Stephen Spielberg, a mountain of debt, and the joke: 

Q: What do Michael Jackson and KMart have in common?
A. Little boys' pants half off!

He will be missed by children everywhere for so many will never know the sweet caress of Michael Jackson's gloved hand.


(( Never Trust A Man That Wears One Glove And Says Beat It ))

Read the full article... • Set by User:Couscous on 2026-5-10


What have I missed? Tom Pearl was 2 days ago • Pokémon was 4 days ago • TCC Shitting Up ED was 6 days ago

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Quote of the Now
Beethoven was fucking deaf but yeah sure you need a robot to be creative for you

— Issybeatz, archive

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