Death Cat

This cat is responsible for over 9000 deaths.

Let's paint a picture: You're rotten old Methuselah and your kids have stuck you in an old folks' home because they don't love you anymore. After years of bedsores and mistreatment at the hands of well-meaning yet idiotic nurses, you can feel you're getting ready to punch your ticket. But hey, you've lasted this long. You'll probably kick around for a few more weeks, right? After all, the devil's got to hold up his end of the bargain, right? Right?

WRONG.

You open your eyes after a long, drug-induced fugue and find a fluffy, gray and white cat cuddling into the side of your neck, purring. Most psychologists will tell you that animals are excellent for easing the depression of the elderly, whose bodies are rotting around them and otherwise have no hope for delight. But not so with Oscar. No, if you see this little ray of sunshine, you might as well defenestrate yourself.

This is not funny. Because I have to tell you that for you to know it in your brains.

This article needs 5,000 more copies of this same image!!!11eleventynineeleven

Apparently the author of Water for Elephants loved it. A nobel contender then, surely?

What'chu Talkin' 'Bout, ED?

Simply put, the medical staff at the Steere House have come to realize that whenever this adorable ball of fluff heads into a patient's room, it's time to call the family and grab the insurance papers. Somehow, this pussy can actually detect when the end is near, and curls up with the dying person to warm them against death's icy fingers. After hundreds of these tacit pronouncements, it's become apparent that this cat is no ordinary cat.

It's the devil himself.

Internet Theologians note disturbing parallels between Death cat and Tacgnol. They argue that Death Cat could be the herald of Tacgnol's advent or, more likely, a manifestation of his evil presence.

Then again...

Oscar may just be an ordinary cat. Consider the facts:

• Cats love the taste of filth and use their flea-ridden pelts as storage for their various favorite flavors.
• Cats eat only the freshest of dead things.
• Cats hate old people, and will swarm to them in anticipation of their demise.
• As vital organs shut down waste builds up in a dying person, causing them to exude a smell quite detectable to even human noses. Kind of a huge, aromatic neon sign screaming "CAT FOOD HERE" considering the points above.

Say Goodnight, Oscar

Strangely, Oscar's death didn't match the buzz of the original story. The quiet announcement spread quickly via e-mail, and its gruesome details were the subject of countless whispered discussions across the blogosphere. Oscar's broken body was discovered in one of the infirmary's biohazard bins, along with a dented bedpan. The cat apparently died at the hand of some old person whom he tried to befriend. Our existence is a perpetual denial of human frailty and we are prone to lash out when confronted with the incontrovertible truth. Whether reacting out of shock or retribution, the unknown geriatric refused to go out alone and brained the soul-stealing kitty with a pan of his or her own excrement.

The hospice itself refused to comment upon the details, but did say that Oscar had become increasingly unpopular among the patients.

Death Cat now stalks the other side. Waiting...

Omg liek scandalous new infoz!

Apparently, the death of Death Cat was a hoax by some dood named Bob.

	“	Bob, I assume you are the author of this hoax and should know that the exaggerated accounts of Oscar's demise have been reported on Rush Limbaugh today: "Story #1: Correction: Oscar the Cat Is Not Dead RUSH: I have to start off with a correction today. We had a story Tuesday about that cat Oscar in Rhode Island, who lives in a nursing home. This cat seemed to have a sense of when residents of the old folks' home were going to cash it in; the cat would jump on the bed of the patient about to cash it in, and the patient would cash it in. They said, "Well, this is incredible! How does this cat know this?" and a lot of the patients were getting a little upset about Oscar. So there was a story yesterday that the cat had been found dead in the nursing home with a dented bedpan near the body. A very curious member of our audience, Jay Cochensparger, called the nursing home up there to confirm this, because he thought the story might have been a hoax. Not that I was making it up, of course, but he thought it was a hoax, and the lady who answered the phone up there said that Oscar is indeed alive and well. They heard the story, too, on the program up there and were quite surprised. Apparently this show's big in there with the staff. So Mr. Cochensparger (I hope I'm pronouncing his name right) wanted me to know that Oscar the cat is still alive. I guess the patients up there don't care, otherwise this story would be true. So it was a well-written hoax and I should have suspected it. I let my professional guard down; I should have suspected it because there was no identifying link, source, or whatever, but it was written pretty well as a hoax. So, anyway, it was just a cat, no big deal. The cat's still alive. The story ends well."	„

Old peoples rejoice! Your end is nearz!

Those fucking bastards...

Well, it's no real surprise that those laughable scamps at ICHC have taken a cherished, lulzworthy internet gem and turned it into something MySpace can enjoy. Their frivolous rush to attach ineptitude and cat spelling to any new cat picture has completely ruined anyone else's chances of making a stupid cat meme that is entertaining and eternal. Curse those evil-doers! And their little dog cat too!

External Links

• Daily Mail article
• Original paper from New England Journal of Medicine
• Oscar is dead (original sauce).
• Holy shit someone wrote a book on this
• Interview with David Dosa, author

Death Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats

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