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Cat: Difference between revisions
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[[File:Egyptian Pyramids.png|thumb|right|The Ancient [[Egypt]]ians worshiped cats, because they thought they were funny. These vast cat heads were built underground and seen by no one.]] | [[File:Egyptian Pyramids.png|thumb|right|The Ancient [[Egypt]]ians worshiped cats, because they thought they were funny. These vast cat heads were built underground and seen by no one.]] | ||
'''Cats''' are <del>[[furry]] ornaments</del> vermin owned by | '''Cats''' are <del>[[furry]] ornaments</del> vermin owned by the godforsaken; those who are destined to [[dying alone|die alone]]. They serve as [[childfree|child substitutes]] for neglected pussies, fags and dykes, many of whom like to photograph their cats and post them for their own self-esteem on whatever [[social media]] site they drain their lives through. Most internet users find it easy to relate to cats (as both are [[lazy]], [[antisocial]], [[ego]]centric, never-satisfied [[depression|cynics]] that [[snowflake|overreact]] to everything), which is why cats have become the official animal of the internet. Baby cats are called [[Kittens]] | ||
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Latest revision as of 21:59, 12 July 2024
Cats are furry ornaments vermin owned by the godforsaken; those who are destined to die alone. They serve as child substitutes for neglected pussies, fags and dykes, many of whom like to photograph their cats and post them for their own self-esteem on whatever social media site they drain their lives through. Most internet users find it easy to relate to cats (as both are lazy, antisocial, egocentric, never-satisfied cynics that overreact to everything), which is why cats have become the official animal of the internet. Baby cats are called Kittens
Hazards
Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path; however, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, as cats are completely powerless.
Because their claws and fangs are just camouflage for their warmth, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk (*). Aiming it at their target will cause most people distress (most, not all). But when they stand-down, the cat will be free to further his diabolical deeds, the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn onto humans hard drives and eating their owners.
Killing Cats for Fun and Profit
As city glitter has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been burned in fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because it raises money, creates internet drama, and as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment, it's okay. Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.
But sometimes, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any Caturday thread on 4chan, and moralfaggotry and rage typically follow. An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act and upload the video to the internet. Among the people who have utilized this method to great effect are Kenny Glenn and Luka Magnotta.
Excerpts From a Cat's Diary
The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weeaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet.
Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.
Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...
Galleries
Animated
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Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast. -
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Cat fights are often amusing to watch!
Captioned
Fauxpics
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After the "Owl and the pussycat" -
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I surrender! -
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The Japanese eat all sorts of things.
Costumes
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Elton John cat is FABULOUS!!! -
Muslim cat... -
Fucking ghey saudi cats.
General
Drawings, Art, Comics & Cartoons
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Ladies and Gentlecats, The Avengers! -
Littil Newtin Is Lully -
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Disgusting & Disturbing
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Don't make me kill it. -
Jew -
Fagcat is a faggot -
A Barrel Of Dead Cats -
Memes
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Trashcat -
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Heil Kitler -
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Factcat -
TOW cat has replaced Fact cat. -
Tankcat -
Monorailcat -
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Gravitycat -
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Hovercat -
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Awecat -
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Grammar Nazi Cat -
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Lenin cat -
All glory to the Hypnocat! -
Cat Videos
General
Previous Video | Next Video
Watermelon Noms
Previous Video | Next Video
Sunflower Noms
Previous Video | Next Video
Cat video series
Previous Video | Next Video
Cats Getting Bathed
Previous Video | Next Video
See Also
- Badmachine - An ED user who has a notable love of cats.
- Business Cat
- California Pet Laws 1/1/19
- Cat fight
- Catnarok
- CATS
- Caturday
- Crusadercat
- JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!
- Kittens
- Meow Wars
- OMGWTFBBQCATS
- Sea Kittens
- Sean Lynde
- Urlesque
Things That Make Kitty Sad
- A cat is fine too
- BlueCatRiolu
- Bonsai Kitten
- Chase 'No Face'
- Cucumber
- Dogs
- Kenny Glenn The Animal Abuser
- NEDM
- Mudkips the Cat
- Schrödinger's cat
- Zippocat
External Links
| Cat is part of a series on Bad things that happen to animals 
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Basic Concepts [+] Animal Abuse • Bestiality • Furry • Hunting • Taxidermy
Badgers • Bats • Bears • Bees • Birds • Bunnies • California Pet Laws 1/1/19 • Cats • Chickens • Chihuahuas • Cows • Crabs • Crows • Dinosaurs • Dogs • Ducks • Eagles • Fish • Foxes • Frogs • Giant Isopods • Octopuses • Pandas • Parakeets • Parrots • Penguins • Pigs • Rats • Sharks • Sheep • Snakes • Spiders • Turtles • Walruse • Wolves |
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Victims [+] Adrian Pomorski • Arrow Cats • Bincat • Bonsai Kitten • Chase 'No Face' • Chevy the Therapy Dog • Harambe • Internet Mascot Heaven • Japanese Bug Fights • Koda The Dog • Monkids • "Mudkips" the cat • Mutant Cats • NEDM • Omarosa • Orvillecopter • Painted Cats • Pebbles the Emotional-Support Hamster • Scared Monkey • Sombra The Drug Sniffing Dog • Staredog • Subservient Chicken • Zippocat | |
Opposing Concepts and Causes [+] | |
BestiLOLity in Action [+] Alyssa Rosales • Bubblegum Husky • Charles-wolfman • Chibiabos • Cory Williamson • Crusadercat • Dalavesta • Dalhusky • Darkhorseman • Dracoguard • Ebon Lupus • Esachasa • Joel Monaghan • Jonathan Niehaus • John Sakars • Kero The Wolf • Marry Your Pet • Mr. Hands • Neuticles.com • Poeticirony • Sarah Butts • ShadoWolffess • Skylos • Snover • Steven Bonnell II • The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch • Tigersclaw • Whitney Wisconsin • WolfJLupus • Zetaforum • | |
Why We Don't Have Nice Things [+] Alisa Kuzmenko • Belen Aldecosea • Camrose Cat Killers • Cheyenne Cherry • City glitter • David Motari • Duck Dynasty • Igor Suprunyuck • Isabella Loretta Janke • Kenny Glenn • Kimberleigh Ann Keister • LinktheWolf • Lowti3rgod • Luka Magnotta • Marvin Morvan and Alex Teniola • Melissa Bachman • Monkey hate community • Nikki Joly • Peluchin Entertainment • Michael Vick, a.k.a. Ron Mexico • Randi Harper • Sasuke • Steve Stephens • Tinkebell • Tyler Weinman • Wang Jeu • Zeriara • |
| Featured article October 24, 2006 | ||
| Preceded by Jake Brahm |
Cat | Succeeded by Wigger |
| Featured article August 7, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by The Real Chris Chan |
Cat | Succeeded by Bug Chasers |
| Featured article September 8 & 9, 2012 | ||
| Preceded by Kloeri |
Cat | Succeeded by JEWS DID WTC |
| Article of the Now September 20 & 21, 2022 | ||
| Preceded by Kirtaner |
Cat | Succeeded by Doom |