Castlevania
Castlevania is a video game series which began life as an action-platformer series for Nintendo's NES and SNES systems. Over the passing years newer installments would slowy succumb to the tsunami-wave of anorexic thirteen-year old anime fanboys and emo-furfags who'd never even played an emulated version of the original series, lamentably resulting in the situation that releases such as Castlevania: Judgement has more appeal to the Sonichu fanbase than to capable gamers.
The Story
The story of every Castlevania game is pretty much the same basic scenario with only the filling details changed between games: Dracula rises either through his own power or from some cultists reviving him because for God to be good there needs to be a supreme evil blah blah blah. This all happens for the sole purpose to troll the Belmonts and their allies.
Level Design
All titles in the Castlevania series conform to one of two level design philosphies:
Pre-1997
Castlevania games before 1997 were made in the traditional arcade style. They usually opened with a Vampire Hunter standing in front of Dracula's Castle and then presented a whole bunch of levels where you got knocked off platforms repeatedly by as many bats or medusa heads the game engine could render. The player would proceed to kill giant bats, mummies, Frankenstein-monsters, various other mythical creatures and Death before actually fighting Dracula.
Post-1997
After 1997 all the games became a Metroidvania and got a shit-ton of RPG elements added. The vampire hunting industry is taken over by faggots clad in name-brand fashion accessories. You then proceed to do an unholy amount of backtracking through a castle collecting better weapons and all the other important "relics" you need to kill Dracula, just so he can stat dead for at least another 50 years.
A note about non-linearity in Castlevania
The post SoTN (Symphony of The Night) games really are linear because the gameplay revolves around walking between point A and B seeing items and important shit you can't get until you get find a new relic you need to reach them. If they really were non-linear then surely you could just go kill Dracula from the start and do something more productive. Then again, you are reading ED; so you might as well just play Julius mode and avoid the embarrassment.
TL;DR - It's pretty much just crossover fanfiction of the Bram Stoker novel and every B-Movie in existence.
The Games
Main Series
Castlevania (NES)
The first offering of the onslaught of copy-pasted games to come. Its a painful trek through Dracula's emporium of skeletons and medusa heads. After struggling to beat the game you unlock Hard-Mode where your are zerg rushed by as many fucking bats as the game-engine can produce. The ability to change direction in the middle of a jump does not exist, causing most players to die more often to misplaced jumps than to enemies. The next six million games are like this, each with slightly better graphics. You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer, who uses a leather whip amongst other kinky Catholic sex-toys to rape 8-Bit skeletons. The bosses of the game are Dracula (obviously) and a couple of B-Movie monsters including Mummies and Frankenstein's Monster.
Vampire Killer (MSX2)
This was a port of the NES and FDS (Famicom Disk System) game to the MSX, but apart from the title had almost fuck-all to do with that game. It had Simon Belmont and Dracula, but that's where the similarities ended. It had solid controls, felt much more atmospheric than the other version. It was not without problems however, the game was often described as "frustrating" and did possess the appearance of having been designed by a person who having opened up a level editor randomly clicked away with their eyes sewn shut. It also included the easiest final-boss fight in the series, quite possibly in any game of it's time.
Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest (NES)
This game existed solely to sell copies of Nintendo Power so people could find out just what to do with the "Red Crystal". In an attempt to revolutionize all gaming Konami tried their best to integrate RPG elements into the Medusa-head-dodging simulator's sequel. Of course, they fucked it all up and it had all the usual problems of JRPGs: a poor translation, a useless EXP system to pad out gameplay, random uses for random items and in an attempt to be unique it had a day and night cycle, with a 20 second transition. THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT.
Castlevania: The Adventure/ReBirth (GB/Wiiware)
The first Castlevania game for handheld systems. This may possibly be the only Castlevania game serious fans of this series will not play. This is because the graphics are shit, the game runs at 12 frames a second, and the music is high pitched beeping in the shape of a musical tune. The plot is as usual for early video games, its in the manual. It has four levels and after you beat the game you loop again, but everything does double damage; this process will repeat until every hit is an instant kill. ReBirth, fixes all the problems this game had, added color graphics and sub weapons back in and is pleasant on the ears this time around. Good luck getting a way to play this today.
Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse (NES)
Finally comprehending the abomination they had produced, Konami went back and shuffled around the sprites from the first Castlevania. They then added some new characters; most notably Alucard. Other than that, it's the same game as the first one, commencing a long-standing tradition that the series would just reuse graphics, music, and the exact same plot. This pattern would only reset with Symphony of the Night.
Castlevania II: Belmont's Revenge (GB)
This is only slightly better than the last Gameboy Castlevania. While it did add back sub weapons (only the axe and holy water), the game still runs at a slow frame rate. It had one more level than Adventure did, but the levels are more distinct this time. It features a: cloud, plant, crystal, and rock castles; with Dracula's Castle as the Belmont of the day's final challenge. Some parts of the game change depending on which regional version of the ROM you are playing.
Super Castlevania IV (SNES)
In order to appease twelve-year olds who wanted to see Castlevania in 16-bit graphics, Konami proceeded to produce the shittiest side-scrolling Castlevania to date. Seen by some fans to be the definitive version of the original it really is nothing more than Konami trolling its fanbase because, every side-scrolling Castlevania is a remake of the original. It included one of the worst uses of Mode7 SNES graphics, for the sole purpose of using said features. Most fans considered it God's gift to man because of the eight directions you can whip in.
Castlevania: Chronicles (Sharp X68000/PS1)
First released for some Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring long-time fans that the series was reverting to its prior suck. All you need to know is its the first game, remade yet again.
Castlevania: Rondo of Blood (PC-Engine CD-ROM)
Features one of the fan favorite Belmonts, Richter. Trek through nine levels with four alternate paths to get to Dracula, who this time switched up the game plan: He has kidnapped multiple maidens including Richter's future wife. This also marks the first appearance of the evil Jewish lawyer Shaft, who uses his Kabbalah satanist magiks to cheat death, not once, but three times. This game also features item crashes, which uses more hearts to do more damage with your sub-weapons usually with cool flashy animation.
Castlevania: Bloodlines (Genesis)
After fucking-up everything that could have been fucked with Super Castlevania IV, Konami lept forth to put right what once went wrong with the first and only Castlevania for the Sega Genesis. In it you play as two distinguished gentlemen in the forms of John Morris, your typical whip-wielding protagonist, and Eric Lecarde, a guy with a spear. These guys apparently were in the Bram Stoker novel as this game takes place right after its events, making it the only Castlevania in canon with the original Dracula story and therefore the only one that matters. Konami finally realized that it was fucking stupid collecting hearts to power your weapons so instead you collect gems as this makes more sense. You can also perform an "ITEM-CRASH" with your weapons like you could do in Rondo of Blood. Also carried over from Rondo is the ability to jump on-and-off those fucking stairs finally, making the controls the best in the entire series. Despite all these improvements, Bloodlines manages to be the hardest Castlevania game to date making it another textbook example of how it sucks ass no matter what "improvements" are made to the formula.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS1)
The sprites are cooler and the game system has been RPG-ified. The storyline is the epitome of failure but the gameplay is so great you won't give a fuck. There are shitloads of weapons/items/collectables to run around discovering and this serves to make the game a lot less boring. You play as the half vampire Alucard and plow through the castle to find the owner is Richter Belmont. You receive magic Goggles from an adult Maria after you collect two rings that are hidden away in of the beaten path areas of the castle. This leads to the discovery that he's being controlled by the evil lawyer, Shaft. This creates a loophole in his contract allowing Dracula to be revived yet again. But here's the good part: You have to go through the same castle, BUT UPSIDE-DOWN; that means you get double the game! This game's formula would be the one most games going forward would follow. YOUR WORDS ARE AS EMPTY AS YOUR SOUL.
Castlevania: Legends (GB)
All you need to know is too much was changed and not enough problems were fixed in this Gameboy game. It tried to make a woman the lead character as the "first" Belmont to fight Dracula. No longer canon, Konami must be filled with some sexists.
Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness (N64)
Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, Konami decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they wouldn't buy. In both instances on the N64, they succeeded.
Castlevania: Circle of the Moon (GBA)
The first Castlevania game to bring the exploration based gameplay style to a handheld system. This one attempted to be different by adding magic trading cards which can change your stats, your main attacks, or your character's appearance. The plot is as follows: You are not a Belmont and you must stop Camilla from fully reviving Dracula. Has too many extra modes, which only change your stats and thats it. No longer canon in the timeline.
Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance (GBA)
Reuses two main gimmicks from past games. Features the most piss easy gameplay that takes less than five minutes to fully master. The only thing that could challenge you are the bosses and how to get the "best" ending. This one has a slightly less cut-and-paste plotline: your friend Maxim has went off on a training mission and returns with wounds and says your mutual "friend" (the girl you both want to marry) Lydie has been kidnapped. Reuses the two castles idea from Symphony and collecting Dracula's remains from Simon's Quest. Also has the tenth appearance of Simon Belmont as a playable character.
Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (GBA)
Prior to the events of this game, in the year 1999 Dracula is killed forever. In the current year of 2035, you are Soma Cruz an exchange student living in Japan. You and your totally not girlfriend get sucked into the solar eclipse where Dracula's Castle was sealed. You then go around collecting monsters' souls and better weapons in order to murder some retarded "missionary" who thinks he is the reincarnation of Dracula. Once that is done, you find out that Soma IS Dracula's reincarnation. Then you fight the castle's "power source" Chaos. Features the bonus mode where you get to play through the whole game as Julius Belmont, it ends shorter than the main story as it ends after you kill Graham.
Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (PS2)
After fucking up Castlevania 64 they decided to give another go at a 3D Castlevania in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good, either. Also, featuring the first Belmont in this series "timeline". Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the crusades who has to save his wench from some ginger vampire named Walter. To make his whip strong enough to fuck Walter he has to murder his wife with it. He does so and it creates the whip "Vampire Killer". You go back after Walter and kill him, then there is a crazy twist revealing how Dracula came to be.
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (NDS)
Basically the same gameplay from Aria, but with improvements to how souls work. Almost the same plot, where cultists plan on making a new "dark lord" to replace the dead Dracula. Features Julius Mode where it attempts to recreate the four player characters from Dracula's Curse. This would have worked had the replacement for Grant wasn't removed because Konami rushed it out the door.
Castlevania: Curse of Darkness (PS2/XBOX)
A fucking retarded bonus scene added onto the events of Dracula's Curse. Also features similar gameplay to Lament of Innocence. Some characters from this game show up in the Castlevania show on Netflix.
Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin (NDS)
Probably the worst Castlevania ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the prick-teasing bitch). The castle is now full of paintings which serve as portals leading to Egypt, England, some random Poland, and a WW1 era circus in France; and then the same 4 paintings with barely different settings as well as an arena like painting with a shit ton of reused assets. The Final Boss is none other than the mysterious bald-headed man who paints them, who became a vampire out of pure rage. Then, as predicted Dracula gets revived again. After you beat the game you can play as "Richiter" Belmont, two magic bitches, or a suit of rusty armor. If you speak English don't bother playing the NA version, just emulate the PAL version since all the typos are fixed as well as a soft lock at the halfway point of the game. This one had so much potential to be the best of the three DS games, with the paintings but Konami wanted the game out before the twentieth anniversary so shit had to get rushed.
Castlevania: Order Of Ecclesia (NDS)
The final Castlevania game for the Nintendo DS, it had realistic art for character portraits and was really fucking hard, which is important to Castlevaniatards. It let the fans play as a half naked emo with magic tattoos who gets her brain fucked up after a failed ritual to stop the revival of Count Dracula by her oldfag teacher. She spends half her time not getting her surprisingly fuckable ass killed by being raped by lesbians (both human and demon). Eventually, she kills the oldfag, Dracula drools into his wineglass until she cockblocks him, then he tries to kill her by prancing back and forth like a faggot. She owns his ass using his own powers. Then you unlock Albus mode which is this game's alternate character mode. Seeing as this game has one alternate mode compared to the three of its predecessor. Also has a level 999 cap that you unlock AFTER beating a hard mode level 1 cap mode.
Spinoff Games
Castlevania: Judgement (Wii)
One day the staff at Konami was on LSD and they decided to make this horrid abomination of a fighting game. And because it's a fighting game the character designs had to be more cooler, so they decided to release the artist who drewn Death Note and set him free of his rampage against the series without any restraint on how he designs. As a result, Simon Belmont turns into a light yagami ripoff in a hard gay outfit, Maria turns into a sailor moon ripoff who attacks with magical animals, while Eric Lecarde is a Shota Trap. It also turns out that Trevor Belmont had ran into a love triangle with Grant and Sypha And Maria Cannot get enough of boobs. This has officially ruined the franchise with a massive pile of faggotry and fail that slowly spun the franchise to it's own grave. This is the only spinoff game of any real relevance.
Everything Else
Besides, of course at least 100 different pachinko machines because Konami is too lazy and unoriginal to make any new games. Also, a shitty mobile game that no one played or remembers.
Characters
The Belmonts
- Leon: The first member of the clan to wield the whip. He had anger issues and some very lame lines, such as "I'LL KILL YOU AND THE NIGHT!" and "CARVE THEM ON YOUR CURSED BODY AND PERISH!". He's also emo, which is surprising, since the game took place in 1095 AD, which is before the emo subculture was yet to befoul the world.
- Simon: The Belmont everyone knows and loves, and starred in the original, which is always the best. Konami loves him so much that they recycled his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (barring some exceptions).
- Trevor: An ancestor of Simon. He needed friends to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a witch which led his descendants to be more magically inclined. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but troll the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and molested by the game's villain.
- Richter: Fought alongside Maria Renard and Alucard. He was controlled by Shaft, but only after getting his shit packed in by Alucard did he come to his senses. He originally looked like Ryu, but was updated for Symphony of The Night and the Dracula X Chronicles to look like every other Belmont, with the added bonus of greasy, unkempt hair. May be related to Richiter Belmont, who you can play as in Portrait of Ruin.
- Julius: A modern Belmont, Julius is the most powerful Belmont to date and the only one to have facial hair, which may or may not be related to his powers.
Other Player Characters
- Alucard: The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula spelt backwards. His real name is "Adrian Farenheit Tepes". He hates his dad, probably because he was not given enough hugs as a child. In the future he turns into a weeb, calling himself "Genya Arikado". He is the most fapped-to person in the series by fanboys and fangirls alike, due to his cool powers and bishounen hot looks.
- Soma Cruz: A half-Puerto Rican high school exchange student in Japan in 2035 who is supposed to be Dracula's reincarnation, and can absorb souls from monsters. He can equip souls to gain new attacks. He is quite androgynous, only surpassed by Alucard when it comes to looking like an animu man-whore.
- Sypha Belnades: Sorcereress who helped Trevor Belmont in Dracula's Curse. At the end of the game, he is revealed to be a she, and apparently had a hard life. After IGA took over, and Konami granting him the power to change everything, Sypha and Trevor made babies and gave birth to new super-powerful Belmonts. Most notably, Juste. In the fighting game Castlevania: Judgment, where Death Note artist Takeshi Obata did the character designs, he gave Sypha a new rack job, as well as a PMSing personality and thus giving birth to her new name; Slutpha Bitchnades. She's also a witch who works for the Church, however that works.
- Maria Renard: Richter's sister-in-law who attacks by throwing birds. Originally shown as a little girl kidnapped by a dark priest, she next appears as a horny teenager chasing after Alucard.
Dracula and his Bitches
- Dracula: The constant villain of the series. In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a large number of wine glasses and transforming into his true form, which is never the same thing in any game. Possibly the only variety in this series. Supposedly destroyed once and for all by Julius Belmont in 1999. Gets a second chance at happiness via becoming Soma Cruz.
- Death: Before death, a nigga. No, really that's all you need to know.
- Carmilla: Carmilla fucking loves Dracula. No, srsly. She's butthurt over the fact Dracula is gay with Death and prefers his boner over her dirty-pillows. She likes to wear typically whorish outfits with fishnets and platform high-heels. Alucard acts like he hates her and wants to kill her. But we all know what he really wants from her.
- Shaft: The evil kind of priest who kidnaps young maidens to revive, who else but Dracula. Somehow dies twice in the span of six years.
The Music
Vampire Killer
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The Netflix Show
The only new thing going on in the Castlevania IP for awhile were pachinko machines and shitty ports, when one day Netflix announced that the animated adaptaion of Dracula's Curse was finally going to be revived fully as a Netflix original TV show instead of a movie. There are currently three seasons available:
Season 1
Introduces background info and lore. Introduces Trevor Belmont, Sypha Belnades and Alucard. Pretty much the same plot as the NES original with some minor alterations to the plot at this point. Only four episodes. Basic worldbuilding happens here mostly filler.
Season 2
The season where the trio of heroes clash with Dracula and his underlings. Adds in some original characters (the only named one gets killed off mid season) as well as a character who had no plot relevance in the original game is here. Has some hints of Curse of Darkness thrown in for good measure.
Season 3
This season is where it tries to adapt Curse of Darkness, but decides to go more off the rails and do its own thing more, for better or for worse depending on who you ask. It starts off a few weeks after Dracula got BTFO out of Wallachia, Trevor and Sypha are going around and killing leftover monsters and Alucard is still being an emo. Things get progressively more intense from here, people worship Dracula now and want to resurrect him, Alucard is a confirmed faggot, Isaac raises his own army of monsters to get to Hector, who is a slave in more ways than one to Carmilla and her "sisters" and interdimensional travel. Has a bigger cliff hanger ending than the other two seasons.
Season 4
They finally tie everything together that they set up in the Season 3. Hector and Isaac finally meet again and that ends in Carmilla and Lenore dying via suicide, as well as Hector & Isaac turning over a new leaf and not be evil anymore. Magicians and vampires team up to revive Dracula. It all ends up with Death coming into the show because he needed Dracula to kill people so he "doesn't have to be hungry anymore". Trevor Belmont and friends put a stop to it within a few minutes of him coming into the picture however. Then Trevor dies fighting Death but not really. Finally it ends with a shitty cliché happy ending, whilst also somewhat sequel hooking into other Castlevania games.
How to troll Castlevania fantards
There's little information available about the Castlevania fandom currently, as it rarely escapes it's parent's basement.
- Go on a Castlevania board and say that Castlevania: Legends is canon, and that Igarashi removed it from the timeline because he's sexist.
- Start a forum topic stating that the classic games are better than the Metroidvanias.
- In a poll about who's the best character, point out that Alucard is a shitty hero and Simon Belmont is more manly.
- If you want an easy way to troll a Castlevania forum, find a thread about fans that really likes "realistic" looking character art in the games (like what was found in Aria Of Sorrow and Order Of Ecclesia), and tell them you like animu style art instead. That'll piss them off or really irritate them at the least. Specify that you liked the art in Portrait of Ruin the best to further piss them off.
- Alternatively, praise the art style of Castlevania Judgment unironically.
- Say Metroid games do the "run around collecting power-ups and then backtrack" gameplay style better.
- Tell them Mario games are the better action-platformer games and Castlevania games play like a 2D tank simulator.
- Remind them that Alucard is too much of a faggot to become playable in Super Smash Bros Ultimate and that Richter is more recognizable.
- If anyone mentions shit about the timeline tell them they forgot to mention Circle of the Moon or Legends' placement on the timeline.
GALLERY
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No fandom is free from cosplay... -
Nor from yaoi. -
Even the Grim Reaper can be made kawaii!
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Not Rule 34. -
RICHTER MAH BOIIIII -
Nothing is safe from furries. -
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ZOOMJAP'D -
Richter Belmont as seen in the artwork from Symphony Of The Night. -
What happens when Alucard's BS is cured. -
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Typical mentality of Castlevania fantards. -
Is nothing sacred? -
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Telling it
like it is. -
Because sometimes you just need to take a shit. -
Tha'fawk?! Can I get a lil privacy please?! -
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Rule 34 Gallery
See also
- What is a man?
- Simon Belmont
- Vampire
- Christianity
- Konami
- Goth
- ICVD - A forum full of Castlevania fantards.
External Links
- The Castlevania Dungeon (For more information than you ever wanted to know about the series)
- "Dracula Perfect Selection" (The official Castlevania rap album. Srsly)
Throne Room of Lord Dracula (Another forum with Castlevania fantards)Link is inactive and does not work anymore.
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| Featured Article October 24 & 25, 2021 | ||
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