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Epic Games

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Epic Games, formerly known as Potomac Computer Systems and Epic MegaGames, was a video games company that became famous for producing once successful titles such as the Unreal Tournament and Gears of War game series but has since devolved into a subsidiary of Tencent that solely exists to sue other companies that are more profitable than them, disrupt the natural flow of open markets by making multi-platform games exclusive to their barely functional games store and buying up every competitor that might pose a threat to them and to brainwash children with their 24/7 advertising platform known as Fraudnight.

Tim Sweeney's first computer experience.

The company was founded by Tim Sweeney after he dropped out of college as he realized a degree would of led to him having a long and fulfilling life and so he instead moved back into his parent's basement to make and sell terrible vidya games. After hitting gold with the game Unreal in 1998, the company then specialized in selling the same game over and over again before adopting the model of blatantly stealing ideas from other titles to include in their own.

After the multi-billion dollar success of Foreskin, the company ceased development on all other titles that were in the works at the time to concentrate on milking more money out of little kids with Abortnite. A new Unreal Tournament game, which was supposed to be built with the help of community contributors, was cancelled in July 2017. A shitty Smite / Dota MOBA rip-off game called Paragon was nuked in April the following year.

In December of 2018, the Fortnite Game Launcher was officially rebranded as the Epic Games Store, opening a can of delicious drama for years to come.

The Epic Games Store

 
In the year of a global pandemic, Epic increased their store revenue by 2.94% while users hoarding their free games increased by 370%.
 
If you sign up for an EGS account expect an Epic Games data breach at least 100 times a week.
 
Can you taste those sweet benefits yet?

The Epic Games Store, also known as the Fortnite Launcher and Just Another Desktop Icon, was first conceived by Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney in 2014 while shitting out a massive, spicy burrito as a simple launcher to launch their own first-party games. After leaving the PC gaming business during their Gears of War era on the Xbox as it was unprofitable and full of pirates, Tim Sweeney visited Gabe Newell to smell and take a bath in his gargantuan amount of cash. This gave him the idea to open up the platform to third-party developers in late 2018 to make even more jewgold than Lord Gabe.

After the store was launched people immediately noticed the lack of many modern features like achievements, cloud saves, forums or even a frigging shopping cart (which is still not implemented in 2021). To ensure customers that they were still working on the platform Epic Games created a roadmap on Trello in which they showed their goals for the next 6 months and beyond. After failing again and again to implement even the simplest of features Epic Games eventually stopped using the roadmap altogether despite still directly linking to it on their store page. To get around the problem of having no dedicated forums Epic Games suggested to use their newly created subreddit   EpicGamesPC (See removed posts: 1, 2) for help and support. However, any legitimate criticism gets immediately labeled as a troll post and gets removed while general support questions were forbidden to be posted as of June 2020 in order to keep the public perception that there's nothing wrong with the EGS. Despite all of this, fuckwit sellout developers stormed out of the gates to claim the Epic Games Store will benefit both players and publishers, despite the fact that the PC landscape was already filled with at least 100 other game store fronts and launchers.

 
Player savings in action!

In January 2019 Epic secured one of their first big EGS exclusive games, Metro Exodus. Announced only 2 weeks before its intended release on Steam, the reason given for the deal was that "it allows to invest more into the Metro franchise". After the game was released players noticed what a broken, buggy, unstable piece of shit the game was, cementing the fact early on that games that take Epic's bribe money are usually unfinished bags of garbage that the developers had no faith in to begin with to release on other, more popular store fronts where they would have been review bombed to hell and back while still earning some money for their sloppy work. The game also released on Microsoft's Xbox Game Pass, proving that Epic "exclusive" deals are really "Just-Not-On-Steam" deals. One of Epic's latest big exclusives it secured was the Kingdom Hearts series coming to PC for the first time. In line with Epic's goal to benefit players publishers, the entire collection was priced at $230, while the PS4 version could still be bought for about $30 on Amazon. At release the offer was then quickly discounted day-1 when Epic noticed that nobody had pre-ordered the weeb shit collection in the first place.

In May 2019 Epic held their first EPIC MEGA SUMMER SALE. However to stay true to their company name, the sale didn't go without major fuck ups from Epic's side. As Epic has shown that it wants control over everything that exists on planet earth, they reduced the price of their then major exclusive title Borderlands 3 without informing anyone at Gearbox Software or 2K Publishing. This prompted 2K to pull the game from the store altogether. But not only publishers were buttfucked by the sale: One player was banned because he had bought too many games during the MEGA FAIL SALE, which Epic responded to by saying his buying behavior triggered their anti-fraud protection but still didn't unban said player. A shopping cart would have been nice to have in this case, eh Epic?

But if you thought a barely-functional store, crappy overpriced exclusives, a mentally challenged CEO and shitty sales weren't lulzy enough then fret not, as Epic also has constant data breaches to keep you invested in their ecosystem, that is if they don't send your data to unknown individuals themselves. In late 2018 the first breach occurred, exposing the personal data of over 200 million Fucknut players. Just 2 years later, another possible breach happened that Epic was quick to debunk. And, because Epic is useless as fuck, yet another breach happened just a few months later, this time exposing the data of over 106 million users while Epic put the blame on Norton instead of themselves as they usually do.

As of late, Epic has changed course however as they saw that buying up games to hold for ransom wouldn't get them to their goal of controlling everything in the industry fast enough. So instead they have decided to follow the example of their Chinese overlords and throw even more of their Courtfight money around, this time to buy up every small and major games and technology software company and developer on the planet. These currently include:

  • Rocket League developer Psyonix (this resulted in the game going free-to-play, which allows smurfs and cheaters to easily create sock accounts by the thousands while the previously existing trading community got buckfucked in the ass as the store was replaced by a copy-paste version of the Forknife store with item prices increasing 10 times their original value and an Epic Games account now being mandatory on all platforms; truly a benefit for all players)
  • 3D model and asset sharing platform Sketchfab
  • Portfolio website ArtStation
  • Photogrammetry developer Capturing Reality
  • RAD Game Tools and Bink Video
  • Fall Guys developer Mediatonic
  • Hyprspace, developers of facial animation and motion capture software
  • SuperAwesome, a UK-based firm that specializes in developing "kid-friendly technology"
  • Collaboration with the Tribeca Film Festival to increase usage of Unreal in independent film productions

So while you might see the Epic logo and Tim Sweeney's deformed mug on everything you buy in the future while claiming other companies to be monopolies, it's good to know that Epic is at least too cheap to pay their competitive tournament players while spending their cash on all this useless crap.


  •  
    EGS roadmap August 2019 and what they have achieved in 2 years since then.
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    No user reviews, no problem.
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    Built on UE5.
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    In order to get basic features running Epic relies on crunching developers of other studios to save money.
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    The EGS only attracts the finest of developers.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Epic Games Store sponsor of the PC Gaming Show

In a desperate attempt to stay relevant, Epic Games decided to sponsor the already shitty PC Gaming Show. The event mostly consists of developers shilling for their new, money barfing overlords with lots of cringe moments sprinkled throughout and terrible game showcases despite Epic's claims of focusing on curated, great games. Viewer discretion is advised.

"unleal engin iz un ofen best gaym engins ofe woulld"

"Pirate bay exclusive? Count me in!"

Previous Video | Next Video

Tim Sweeney

 

Tim Sweeney, also known in anti-Epic circles as Tim Swiney or Timmy Tencent, is the virgin CEO of Epic Games who's living alone in his mansion in Cary, North Carolina. He can usually be found in his natural habitat making up statements about 'evil' companies trying to monopolize the video gaming landscape while simultaneously whining about how his own company doesn't make as much money as others and buying smaller companies to monopolize the industry for himself.

Previously he also regularly stalked the anti-Epic subreddit r/fuckepic until he deleted his account, making a fool of himself and getting smacked in the face by common sense and logic whenever he posted a comment there.


   
“ 		 
I was telling a friend that I don't ever want to hear what Timmy's voice sounds like, because I prefer to imagine him sounding like a whiny little kid and I didn't want that ruined.

Then I was told that he does, indeed, sound like a child. So I watched an interview with him. And it was exactly how I imagined it
 

„
  		 

—duskull007

Tim Sweeney the hypocrite

Collection of lies, hypocrisy and stupidity About missing Pics
  •  
    Valve's just as lazy as we are hence why it's Okay to... wait.
  •  
    It's only bad when I'm not doing it.
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    There's no reason. Except that I hate to actually compete fairly in an open market.
  •  
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    While openly announcing that the "multi-store future is here" for AAA titles, smaller indie developers like Unfold Games were told to fuck off.
  •  
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  •  
  •  
    Sweeney was given a custom flair on r/fuckepic which he also unironically displayed in his Twitter info. The FE mods later changed the flair as it was a disgrace to the Elvis song of the same name.
  •  
  •  
  •  
    Another topic change.
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    "I support /r/fuckepic’s right to organize a community forum to express their views."
  •  
    Sweeney on the Ooblets announcement shown in the EGS gallery above.
  •  
    Published email conversations showing that Tim Sweeney himself gave input on the condescending Ooblets article.

Epic VS The World

By 2021 Sweeney had accumulated enough money stolen from unsuspecting parent's credit cards that he decided it was finally time to swing his tiny dick around by deliberately breaking Apple's and Google's app store policies in an attempt to scam even more money out of his underage playerbase. By secretly adding new payment options into the mobile version of Fartcunt in order to circumvent both stores evil 70/30 revenue split that just wouldn't embrace Epic's far superior and totally sustainable 88/12 split, Epic prompted both companies to be butthurt enough to remove the game from both stores. In an unexpected twist, Tim Sweeney immediately launched a campaign called Nineteen Eighty-Fortnite that parodies an ad Apple did in the past except with far more cringe included.

Keep a bottle of bleach nearby.

It was later revealed that the propagandist stunt was already being planned long before Epic had broken the store rules.

On the 3rd of May the trial against Apple started. Lulz immediately ensued when the court had trouble setting up the public live call and hundreds of Sweeney's brainwashed, prepubescent sheeple spammed the call shouting "Free Fortnite" and "Bring back mobile".

Manbabies start at 5:08

As the trial went on, more and more information was released to the public over several days that showed just what a shit stain Epic Games and their store truly are despite all of Tim Sweeney's Twitter rants claiming the opposite:

A final verdict on the case has yet to be decided. But depending on the outcome you can expect one of the following:

Epic Wins: Do you think the games industry is shit today? Expect even more butt fuckery when Epic wins the case and everything gaming related, be it on mobile, consoles or PC, will go down even further Sweeney's crusty asshole.

Epic Loses: Expect Tim Sweeney to appeal the verdict while also starting cases in other countries until he finally finds people dumb enough to agree with his untrustworthy ass.

But don't be sad. A lawsuit against Google is already in the works to provide even more lulz for your evening pleasure. And if you can't wait for the trial to start then Epic has got you covered with these past delicious lawsuits as well:

Videos

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See Also

External Links

 

Epic Games is part of a series on

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