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Phantasy Star II

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This is a totally accurate representation of the game.

Phantasy Star II (Weebspeak: ファンタシースターII 還らざる時の終わりに; Literally: Phantasy Star II: At The End of a Time Which Can't Be Returned To) is a shitty turn-based JRPG that was originally released in Japan on March 21, 1989, for the Sega Mega Drive and was brought to North America a year later with a shit-tier translation and 80s sci-fi cover art that can cause cancer if you stare at it for too long. The game has since been re-released in numerous compilations of Sega's least shitty games and was even given a Japan-only remake for the Playstation 2 in 2005.

A direct sequel to 1987's Phantasy Star for the Sega Master System, Phantasy Star II once again takes place in the Algol star system but, unlike its predecessor, only takes place across two different planets because, MAJOR SPOILER WARNING: planet Palma actually gets blown the fuck up two-thirds of the way into the game. The game is set 942 years after the original, which explains why the androgynous, psychic, bishie wizard is the only character from the original game who makes an actual physical appearance – albeit with his original Japanese name thanks to the fact that the random homeless people that Sega hired to translate the game either hadn't played the original or just didn't fucking care.

Phantasy Star II is perhaps most remembered for featuring highly detailed and meticulously crafted anime-style artwork in a time long before classic Japanimation like Evangelion, Revolutionary Girl Utena and Boku no Pico helped make the animu genre go mainstream outside of glorious Nippon. The game is also widely lauded for its incredibly deep and often non-sensical sci-fi plot about the world being put in peril thanks to mankind's own sloth and overreliance on technology. In what was actually considered to be a shocking plot-twist for an RPG at the time, the game's main waifu character ends up getting permanently killed off a third of the way through the game – a twist that another little-known and notoriously shitty RPG called Final Fantasy VII would plagiarize about 8 years later.

Unlike the original Phantasy Star which was actually a somewhat decent game, Phantasy Star II merely pretends to be a good game by trying to make the plot as dark and edgy as it possibly can. The game might actually qualify as depressing if it weren't constantly trying way too fucking hard to outdo each of its tragic plot twists with another tragic plot twist.

Gameplay & Development

Phantasy Star II is a typical 1980s RPG that features hours upon hours of grinding and fetch quests that cover up about an hour of actual gameplay. In a major departure from most RPGs of the time, Phantasy Star II attempts to ease your overworked fingers by encouraging the use of an auto battle feature that lets you set each party members' actions with the STGY command and then lets you spam those actions with the FGHT command until you either win the battle or die. Unfortunately, this attempt at innovation often results in you having to press even more buttons during battles since you'll constantly be having to reset all of your actions whenever you need to use a healing item or skill in battle.

All battles take place in The Matrix because the lazy dumbfucks at Sega couldn't find the time to put fancy battle backgrounds into a Mega Drive game despite managing to do it in the Master System prequel only a year earlier. Unlike in the first game, however, you can now encounter two different kinds of monsters in a single battle – which is honestly not at all impressive for a game from fucking 1989. Also unlike the original Phantasy Star which had fixed stats for all characters, Phantasy Star II takes a lesson in shitty game design from RPGs such as MOTHER and features semi-random stat increases on level up. As a result, OCD sufferers will often repeatedly reload their save file until they get a stat increase that they're satisfied with.

The dungeons in Phantasy Star II have been given a massive downgrade and are no longer first-person 3D dungeons, but are instead labyrinthian top-down dungeons that look and feel like they were designed by Down Syndrome kids who have no grasp on basic architectural design. The dungeons also make use of 16-bit technology to add an annoying foreground layer to each dungeon – the earlier dungeons feature a bunch of pipes that obstruct your view, while later dungeons feature more fog than Silent Hill.

The game is also notorious for looking like complete shit for a Mega Drive title – which can be traced back to the fact that the game was originally developed for the Master System like its predecessor but was moved to the Mega Drive about halfway through.

Plot, The Entire Fucking Plot

Phantasy Star II is, by far, the darkest and edgiest entry in the entire Phantasy Star franchise. Following the relatively tame plot of the original Phantasy Star, Sega decided to make the sequel into a fucking depressing mess to appeal to members of typical 90s cliques such as school shooters and emofags. This is a game that isn't content with hitting the player with a single tragedy, but instead piles them up one after the other in an attempt to extort all the feels out of you. Unfortunately, the fact that the game is so poorly translated and the plot is filled with more holes than a Sandy Hook student makes it exceedingly hard to actually feel anything while playing it.

Atypical Damsel In Distress Scenario

The game begins with Rolf—a blue-haired faggot and Motavian Government employee—and Nei—a bio-engineered elven sex slave who escaped from the elven sex slave farm—being tasked by the Governor of the Motavian capital of Paseo to find out why the planet has been overrun with bio-monsters that are raping and killing everyone. The two realize that the bloody obvious first place to start searching for answers is the Biosystems Lab that is designed to spit out genetically modified abominations and set off on their journey.

Because an 80s RPG couldn't possibly make things that simple, the bridge leading to the Biosystems Lab is blocked by a douchebag named Darum whom, Rolf states, had attacked Nei seven months earlier. After taking a detour to the town of Arima, the party learns that scoundrels have attacked the village, killed the men, abducted the women as rape slaves and fled to their hideout in the Shure dungeon. After braving the Shure dungeon, you'll discover that the scoundrels have all been fucked to death by bio-monsters. You'll also find a note that reveals that Darum has taken to robbing people because his daughter, Teim, is being held for ransom by the scoundrels in Nido Tower.

Naturally, the next stop on this long, fetch-quest-filled journey is the long, long dungeon of Nido Tower – which will likely be where you ragequit due to the top floor of the tower containing Blasters, a hilariously overpowered bio-monster that can wipe out your entire party in 2-3 attacks. Chances are that these enemies weren't supposed to appear this early in the game, but it's not like anyone ever actually play-tested this shite. If you ever actually manage to finish the Nido Tower dungeon, you'll obtain Teim as an item will finally be able to go back to Darum and witness one of the greatest cut-scenes in RPG history as Darum mistakenly slices his own daughter in half with a sword and then kills himself by spontaneously blowing up.

Dumpster Diving

After spending hours just to get across a fucking bridge, you'll finally have access to the town of Oputa and the Biosystems Lab. After trekking through the Biosystems Lab—which is significantly easier than that last goddamn dungeon that you were sent to—you'll eventually discover the Biosystems' data recorder. After returning to the Governor and having the data analyzed, you learn that energy meant for Climatrol—Motavia's weather control system—has been diverted to the Biosystems Lab, which has resulted in the lab spitting out mutated abominations. Obviously, your next target is Climatrol, but once again, this shitty game is going to give you the runaround by forcing you to find a fucking jet scooter.

You'll now be able to access the town of Zema where you'll learn that some of the native Motavian rat people have been seen with a jet scooter at Motavia's smelly garbage dump, a location known as Roron. On your way to Roron, you'll also come across the town of Kueri where you'll find a "scientist" who wants you to bring him Maruera leaves so he can make gum that will allow you to breath underwater. Eventually, you'll arrive at Roron – which is ironically one of the least frustrating and most well-designed dungeons in the entire game despite being a literal garbage dump.

In Roron, you'll encounter multiple Motavians wandering around and enjoying the smell of garbage. One of these Motavians will offer you free cake which, if you accept, will obviously cause your entire party to take damage and experience the shits for a week. At the end of the dungeon you'll encounter two Motavians who have made a jet scooter and intend to ride it over the ocean. Because of video game logic, as soon as you leave the dungeon after talking to these two, you'll find the jet scooter abandoned on the beach with a note from the Motavians declaring that any nigga is free to take their jet scooter because they'd rather be bathing in garbage – which is basically the Phantasy Star equivalent of abandoning your Prius because you'd rather hang out at a gay bar.

Combating Climate Change

After essentially stealing the jet scooter from the mentally retarded yokels, you'll now be free to explore all of Motavia and access the final town of Piata. Unfortunately, you'll soon discover that the entrance to Climatrol is underwater and you'll actually be needing to find some sweet kush for that batshit insane scientist that you met in Kueri. After several more hours of intense grinding to buy better equipment and get Shir to level 10 so she can steal the Visiphone—an item that conveniently lets you save your game anywhere—from the Governor, you'll finally be ready to head to Uzo Island where you'll be able to find some weed for Bill Nye the Pothead Guy.

Uzo Island is a dungeon that was designed for the sole purpose of trolling the fuck out of you. It is essentially a mountain with numerous magickal teleportation caves and seven different peaks – six of which will cockblock you with a fake Maruera Plant that doesn't actually do anything. Once you finally find the good shit, you can finally leave this hellscape and return to Kueri to get your James Bond gum so you can finally enter Climatrol and discover the source of these bloody annoying random encounters that you keep getting into every six steps.

Climatrol is a prime example of the exquisite dungeon design in Phantasy Star II, throwing pretty much all of the bullshit from the previous dungeons at you and featuring so many fucking teleporters that it's essentially impossible to navigate without a map. Once you finally get to the end of this abortion of a dungeon, you'll finally encounter Neifirst—Nei's dark and edgy conjoined twin who split off and decided to flood the world with bio-monsters—and Nei will enter into a one-on-one battle that she'll probably lose. After Nei gets her arse handed to her by the game's first boss like the complete retard she is was, the other three members of your party will have to take on Neifirst with an incomplete party.

Once Neifirst is defeated, Climatrol proceeds to blows the fuck up and—thanks to the fact that you just blew up Climatrol during your fight with Goth Nei—Motavia begins rapidly flooding. Realizing the urgency of the situation, Rolf and his party immediately return to Paseo and drag Nei's bloated, maggot-infested corpse into the clone lab. Unfortunately, the creepy old lady at the clone lab informs the party that Nei is permadead and advises them that her corpse would make good fertilizer for Hugh's faggy garden.

Protip: Don't even bother wasting your time leveling up Nei to the point that she can beat Neifirst – it doesn't actually matter and Nei still dies because the plot demands it. It literally changes nothing and it makes you a fucking loser for actually doing that much grinding in a futile attempt to save your waifu.

Those Dam Robots!

With Nei officially confirmed to be deader than Nikki Catsouras and the entire planet quickly being flooded, Rolf and his team finally return to the Governator to report their success at eliminating the bio-monsters and saving Motavia. Unfortunately, the party is soon informed that the Government of planet Palma has branded them as terrorists and put out a warrant for their arrest on charges that they made the Mother Brain that controls Motavia go haywire and flooded the entire goddamn planet of Motavia. Naturally, in order to fix this silly misunderstanding, Rolf and friends set out to open the four dams and save Motavia from ending up like New Orleans under Dubya – because of course there's no possible way that they can fuck things up even more at this point.

Upon leaving, you'll soon discover that the bio-monsters are gone and the planet is now overrun with robots that have been sent by Motavia's security system to exterminate the terrorists. Before going to the dams, you'll also need to retrieve the access cards from the control tower and, of course, before you can get the access cards you'll also need to learn to play the goddamn piano for some reason. If you haven't gotten it already, you'll now need to return to Oputa and locate a faggot named Ustvestia who will teach you the Musik technique for a price – 5000 meseta for female party members or 2000 meseta and brutal anal rape for males. Once you have the Musik technique, go to the Control Tower in Piata to retrieve the access cards that are needed to enter the dams.

Once you have the key cards from the Control Tower, the four dams—Red, Blue, Yellow and Green—can be completed in any order, and they're all pretty much what you should be used to from this game's dungeons by now. Just find your way throough each of these labyrinthian hellholes and place the corresponding key card into the control panel at the end to open the dam. Once you've open the final dam, you'll be immediately attacked by three Army Eyes that will eventually capture your entire party with bondage rays and whisk you off to the prison satellite Gaira to await execution.

On Gaira, the party will be relieved of all their equipment and will be subjected to constant encounters with gold-plated Daleks and Robocops that are completely pointless due to not having any weapons equipped. Your only choice will be to run from every encounter until you make it to the Gaira's control terminal and discover that the satellite is about to crash into planet Palma and KILL FUCKING EVERYONE.

Such An Ice Planet You've Got Here

After being subjected to a repeat of the nightmare sequence from the game's prologue, Rolf awakens to be greeted by a space pirate who introduces himself as Tyler. As it turns out, Tyler was nice enough to collect your party's smoldering ashes and take them to the clone lab after Gaira crashed into planet Palma and fucking obliterated the entire planet despite being a tiny satellite. The resulting explosion killed over 9,000 million people, yet Tyler was miraculously able to sift through a planet-sized cloud of debris and find your party's remains despite the fact that 9/11 proves this notion to be completely implausible.

After flooding Motavia, destroying Palma and fucking dying, the party's umpteenth clones return to Paseo and talk to the Governor who, like the complete mongoloid that he is, stupidly decides to give Rolf and his band of most wanted terrorists access to the last remaining spaceship on Motavia so they can travel to Dezoris and hopefully not cause any horrible events to occur on that planet as well. Upon landing at Skure on Dezoris, the party quickly discovers that the decrepit spaceport and former-village from the first Phantasy Star has now been completely overrun with rabid monkeys, rabbits, elephants and owls that hunger for flesh.

Serving as both a pseudo-dungeon and part of Dezoris' overworld, Skure acts as a hub that can take you to the four isolated corners of the frigid planet. Unfortunately, none of that fucking matters yet since you have to head north to the village of Aukba in order to progress the plot. After arriving at Aukba the party learns of a sprawling mansion owned by a blue-haired bishie and quickly depart to the mansion because Shir wants to burglarize it.

Collecting the Nei MacGuffins

Upon arriving at the Esper Mansion, it is revealed that Noah from the original Phantasy Star is somehow still alive after 942 fucking years and is now calling himself "Lutz" because that was actually his name in the original Japanese version of Phantasy Star. The fagbait bishie esper then tells Rolf that he is DE CHOZEN WAN!!!11 and informs him that in order to go to the spaceship called "Noah" (IS THIS FUCKING CONFUSING ENOUGH FOR YOU YET!? IS IT!?) he must collect the 8 magical Nei MacGuffins (no, it is never fucking explained in-game why these magical items are named after that dead purple-haired cunt) from 4 hilariously difficult endgame dungeons that are crawling with dragons and cyborg wizards that can easily kill your party. Lutz also gives Rolf the Prism which is required to actually see these dungeons.

After visiting the 4 dungeons and retrieving the 8 NeiGuffins—assuming that you actually did that and haven't shoved your controller all the way up your ass by this point—the party returns to the Esper Mansion where Lutz gives you the Neisword and finally agrees to teleport the party to the spaceship Noah where the mentally-ill and genocidal Mother Brain is located. The party then leaves the Esper Mansion to go grind levels for 5 more hours because this is the final dungeon in the game and they are currently underpowered as fuck for it.

Once the party is finally ready, they return to the Esper Mansion where Lutz magickly teleports them to a part of the Noah that's about 700 metric fuckmiles from where the Mother Brain is located. Thanks for literally nothing, you useless fucking blue-haired wankstain.

Space Falz

After navigating the most poorly designed spaceship in history and successfully avoiding being murdered by the hordes of sussy baka, living fire and GODDAMN SPACE DRAGONS the party will eventually stumble upon a lonely treasure chest that is waiting to be opened while conveniently blocking the only way forward in the dungeon. Upon opening the chest like the bunch of retards they are, Rolf and his friends are told that they have just opened Pandora's Box and are about to get assraped by Dark Force (a.k.a. Darkfalz).

Dark Force is, quite unsurprisingly, the absolute hardest boss in this shitshow of a game. While he doesn't necessarily hit much harder than other enemies, Dark Force likes to turn your party members evil which is essentially the Phantasy Star II equivalent of confusion in every other JRPG ever made. While evil, your party members will be too fucking lazy to attack and Shir will start rummaging through her teammates' items like she always does. The only thing that can cure the evil status is RNJesus making the Neisword glow brighter than a CIA agent on EDF. Should you actually manage to defeat Dark Force, the box will disappear and the path to Mother Brain will be opened.

After talking to Mother Brain about some boring shit that I don't remember, the party quickly steamrolls her because she's a fucking pushover compared to Dark Force. Lutz then tells Rolf that he can't return because there are still people onboard the Noah!!111oneoneone After walking through the gaping hole left by Mother Brain, Rolf and his friends discover that hundreds of Earthmen created the Mother Brain and blew up Palma and have actually been behind everything!!111oneoneone oh-em-gee!!!!!

It is then never explained why the people of Algo decided to trust a foreign A.I. that was literally named "Mother Brain" as the game cuts to a massive fight between Rolf's party and hundreds of Earthmen. The game then abruptly ends as Rolf leaves the player with one, final, profound question:

   
“ 		 
I wonder what the people will see in the final days?
  		„
  		 

—Rolf, wondering what people will see during Y2K


WTF DID I JUST PLAY



WTF DID I JUST PLAY



WTF DID I JUST PLAY



WTF DID I JUST PLAY



WTF DID I JUST PLAY



WTF DID I JUST PLAY



WTF DID I JUST PLAY

Stats & Status Effects

Character Stats

HP is a character's health. If it hits 0 then they fucking die.
TP is a character's MP. Can only be restored by going to the doctor or Lutz.
Strngth does literally nothing.
Mental does literally nothing.
Agility determines turn order in combat. Can be increased with footwear and the Ner techniques.
Luck gives you a higher chance to evade special attacks. 50-99 luck adds 10%, 100-149 luck adds 20% and 150+ luck adds 30%.
Dextrty increases the accuracy of your attacks.
Attack increases the damage of your attacks with weapons other than guns. Can be increased with weapons, Knife Boots, Long Boots and the Shift technique.
Defense reduces the amount of damage that you take from enemy attacks. Can be increased with armour, some weapons and the Shu techniques.


Status Effects

Death means you have 0 HP and are fucking dead, if everyone dies then it's game over and you'll have to reload your last save. Can be cured with Moon Dew, Rever or by buying a clone from the creepy old blue lady in every town. Can be inflicted on enemies with Vol, Savol and Brose and inflicted on yourself with Sak and Nasak.
Poison actually prevents healing techniques and items from affecting the character until it's removed via an Antidote, Anti or by going to the goddamn doctor. Also serves as proof that the developers of this abortion had never fucking played an RPG before.
Sleep makes a character too lazy to fight and is the same as being fucking dead. Because this game was developed by retards, sleep doesn't wear off during battle and it's game over if all your living party members are asleep.
Paralysis does what sleep should have done and randomly wears off after 1-3 turns. Can be inflicted on enemies with Rimit and Rimet.
Insanity causes enemies' physical attacks to miss 50% of the time. Can be inflicted on enemies with Doran and Forsa.
Silence isn't actually silence and only causes enemies' special attacks to miss 50% of the time. Can be inflicted on enemies with Shiza, Conte and Silentshot.
Evil is a fucking annoying status ailment that can be inflicted on your party members by Dark Force. It causes your party members to become a bunch of useless niggers who won't act during battle and it can only be removed if the Neisword randomly decides to dispel the evil. Because of how this status is cured completely at random, it will usually fuck you over and allow Dark Force to brutally rape your entire party.

Techniques

In the at least 100 years since the original Phantasy Star, magick has fallen out of favour and been replaced by "techniques" – which are literally just magick with a spiffy new name. For example, instead of casting the Fire spell, you will now be using the Foi technique to set shit on fire. In a fashion similar to the Shin Megami Tensei games and their obtuse spell naming conventions, some techniques have the prefixes Gi and Na that denote higher level versions and other techniques have a Sa prefix which denotes that it will target fucking everything.

To make shit even more confusing, this game doesn't feature any in-game descriptions of techniques and the majority of the techniques in the game were actually based on German words in the original Japanese version of the game. Naturally, this led to some major issues when the game was translated to English and, as a result, many techniques seem to have names that make absolutely no sense. As such, here is an extremely useful guide to all of the techniques in this shitty game, most of which have a 1-in-10 chance of missing regardless of your stats.

Offensive Techniques

Foi, Gifoi and Nafoi are fire based techniques that hit a single enemy for about 15, 40 and 130 damage. Cost 2, 6 and 12 TP.
Zan, Gizan and Nazan are wind based techniques that hit a group of enemies for about 20, 30 and 100 damage. Cost 4, 7 and 11 TP.
Gra, Gigra and Nigra are gravity based techniques that hit all enemies for about 20, 40 and 80 damage. Cost 8, 12 and 20 TP.
Tsu, Githu and Nathu are thunder based techniques that hit a single enemy for about 30, 80 and 150 damage. Cost 6, 13 and 20 TP.
Gaj, Gigaj and Nagaj hit a single robot for about 20, 60 and 150 damage. Cost 1, 5 and 15 TP. Gaj actually has a 100% hit rate.
Eijia hits a group of robots for about 20 damage. Costs 4 TP and has a 100% hit rate.
Sag, Gisag and Nasag hit all robots for about 20, 60 and 150 damage. Cost 3, 15 and 27 TP.
Gen and Sagen hit organic creatures for about 20 damage. Cost 1 and 3 TP.
Fanbi hits a single enemy for about 10 damage and heals the user for the same amount. Only costs 2 TP and has 100% accuracy, but you'll most likely never fucking use it.
Megid hits all enemies for about 400 damage but halves your party's HP (excluding Rolf's) in the process. Costs a whopping 55 TP but is one of the few techniques with a 100% hit rate.


Healing & Support Techniques

Res, Gires and Nares heal a single party member for 20, 60 and full HP. Cost 3, 7 and 13 TP.
Sar, Gisar and Larry Nassar heal all party members for 20, 60 and full HP. Cost 13, 29 and 53 TP which means it's stupid to use them over Res techniques unless you're in battle.
Sak causes the user to commit suicide to fully heal one ally. Costs 1 TP but is really fucking stupid since it's just Nares at the expense of losing your healer.
Nasak causes the user to commit suicide to fully heal all allies. Costs 1 TP but is stupid since it's just Nasar at the expense of losing your healer.
Anti cures the poison status from a single party member. Costs 2 TP and can't be used in battle.
Rever revives a dead party member or completely restores the HP of a not-quite-dead party member. Costs 30 TP and can't be used in battle.
Deban increases the entire party's defense against special attacks. Costs 4 TP.
Shu and Sashu increase your party members' defense by 20. Cost 3 and 8 TP and the effect stacks.
Ner and Saner increase your party members' agility by 10. Cost 2 and 6 TP and the effect stacks.
Shift increases Anna's attack by 20. Costs 5 TP and the effect stacks.


Status Ailment Techniques

Doran can "confuse" a single organic creature and make them more likely to miss. Costs 2 TP and has an 80% hit rate.
Forsa can "confuse" a single robot and make them more likely to miss. Costs 2 TP and has a 50% hit rate.
Shiza can silence a single organic creature. Costs 6 TP.
Conte can silence a single robot. Costs 6 TP.
Rimit can paralyze a single organic creature. Costs 3 TP and has a 50% hit rate.
Rimet can paralyze a single robot. Costs 3 TP and has a 40% hit rate.
Vol and Savol are the obligatory instakill moves that work against organic creatures. Cost 8 and 16 TP and have a 60% and 70% hit rate.
Brose is the obligatory instakill move that targets a single robot. Costs 8 TP and has a 50% hit rate.
Shinb can supposedly cause a single organic creature to flee from battle, but it's bugged and doesn't fucking work. Wastes 4 TP.


Other Stupid Techniques

Hinas exits the current dungeon. Costs 4 TP and literally has the same effect as an Escapipe.
Ryuka teleports you to the last town you saved in. Costs 8 TP and literally has the same effect as a Telepipe.
Musik lets you play the piano. You'll need to pay a faggot to teach you this technique in order to continue the game because Sega loves forced grinding.

Items

Healing & Support Items

Monomate heals an ally for 20 HP. Costs 20 meseta.
Dimate heals an ally for 60 HP. Costs 60 meseta.
Trimate fully heals an ally. Costs 160 meseta.
Antidote cures the poison status from an ally. Costs 10 meseta.
Star Mist fully heals the entire party. Has to be shoplifted by Shir and is fairly rare.
Moon Dew revives a dead ally. Has to be shoplifted by Shir and is extremely fucking rare.
Escapipe warps you out of a dungeon. Costs 70 meseta.
Telepipe warps you to the last town you saved at (or fucking Aukba on Dezoris if you last saved on Motavia or via Visiphone). Costs 130 meseta.
Hidapipe prevents random encounters with weaker enemies for a limited time. Costs 280 meseta.
Visiphone contacts the Data Memory Girl to save your game. Has to be shoplifted by Shir but can be used an unlimited number of times.


Fetch-Quest Bullshit

Small Key opens the locked chests in Shure. Found in Shure.
Dynamite blows up doors in Nido and the Biosystems Lab. Two are found in Shure and one is found in the Biosystems Lab.
Letter explains why Darum is an arsehole and gets Teim to join you. Found in Shure.
Teim fucking dies and finally lets you get past that damn bridge. Found in Nido.
Recorder gets the librarian to tell you to go to Climatrol. Found in the Biosystems Lab.
Key Tube lets you get past another fucking bridge. Received from the librarian in Paseo.
Marijuana lets you get the Marijuana Gum. Found on Uzo Island.
Marijuana Gum lets you breathe underwater and access Climatrol. Received from the hippie in Kueri.
Red Card lets you enter and close the Red Dam. Found in the Control Tower in Piata.
Yellow Card lets you enter and close the Yellow Dam. Found in the Control Tower in Piata.
Blue Card lets you enter and close the Blue Dam. Found in the Control Tower in Piata.
Green Card lets your spic wife enter the Jewnited States.
Prism lets you see the dungeons on Dezoris. Received from Lutz at the Esper Mansion.


The Nei McGuffins

Neicrown is Amy's best piece of headgear. Found in Menobe.
Neimet is the best helmet for Rolf and Kain. Found in Menobe.
Neicape is the best armour for Shir and Amy. Found in Guaron.
Neiarmor is the best armour for Rudo and Kain. Found in Guaron.
Neishield is the best shield for Hugh and Kain. Found in Naval.
Neiemel is the best shield for Anna and Shir and the best piece of armour in general at a whopping 118 defense. Found in Naval.
Neislasher is Anna's best weapon. Found in Ikuto.
Neishot is Rudo's best weapon. Found in Ikuto.
Neisword is Rolf's best weapon. Received from Lutz at the Esper Mansion once you have the rest of these McGuffins in your inventory.


In addition, there are also multiple pieces of equipment that can be used as items during battles to cast certain techniques for free. Using a magickal item will not cause it to disappear and they can be used an unlimited number of times. [Protip]: You can also use these items even if you have them equipped, which can free up a valuable inventory slot.

Magickal Equipment

Gr Sleeves cast Shinb when used. Completely fucking useless since Shinb is bugged anyways.
Fire Staff casts Foi when used. Essentially useless.
Crystanish, Crystchest and Crystcape cast Gra when used. More useful than the Fire Staff.
Wind Scarf casts Zan against all enemies when used. More useful than the Fire Staff and more useful than the normal Zan technique.
Color Scarf casts Saner when used. Actually useful since the agility boosts stack and it allows characters other than Amy (who's slow as fuck) access to the Saner technique.
Crescegear, Amber Robe, Aegis and Truth Slvs cast Gires on the user. Actually useful since it's essentially a free Gires/Dimate in battle.
Snow Crown casts Deban when used. Actually useful since Deban is already the best defensive technique in the game.
Storm Gear casts Gizan against all enemies when used. Is so OP that it actually outclasses some characters' end-game weapons in terms of damage.

Playable Characters

Phantasy Star II features a party size of 4 and 8 playable characters, but only Rolf and Nei are actually given a bit of personality since the developers didn't know which of the other characters you'd have in your party and didn't bother to program in any dialogue for them aside from their introduction cutscenes. In order to get the full Phantasy Star II experience, Japanese players were actually given the option to download DLC in the form of numerous crappy text adventure games that fleshed out the characters' development and actually gave some much needed backstory. Unfortunately for western audiences, fuck you.

Every character except Rolf and Nei is obtained by returning to Rolf's home after reaching a specific village on Motavia. Literally all of them show up on your doorstep unannounced, give an introduction speech, allow you to rename them and then become available as party members. After this, they'll never speak again aside from each getting a single line in the ending.


Rolf Landale (Eusis Landale)

A descendant of Alis from the first game and it's his destiny to destroy the Dark Force or some shit. He's just a typical blue-haired anime protagonist and he stole the role of protagonist from a woman, which makes him even worse. He learns both offensive and healing techniques and is the only character that can learn Megid.


Nei

A 3-year-old test tube baby who was designed by the Motavian Government to cater to the sexual needs of elf fetishists. She's the only character in the game that cannot be renamed and, much like Rolf, cannot normally be removed from your party. Her name is pronounced neigh and anyone who pronounces it wrong deserves to be brutally killed by ISIS.
She levels more than twice as fast as everyone else, but has some of the shittiest stats out of all the characters, a piss-poor selection of equipment and a shitty selection of techniques. Fortunately, she'll die a third of the way into the game which will allow you to finally replace her with a far more useful party member.
Nei also bears an uncanny resemblance to Arshes Nei from the Bastard!! manga that began publication around the time of Phantasy Star II's development.


Rudolph Steiner (Rudger Steiner)

An Arnold Schwarzenigger ripoff who likes to wield big fucking guns and joins up with Rolf and Nei after visiting Arima.
He is the only character in the game that doesn't learn any techniques and his maximum TP will remain at 0 throughout the entire game.
The text adventure games reveal that he craves vengeance because a mole murdered his wife and son... srsly.


Amy Sage (Anne Saga)

A doctor and serves as your typical healer class character. She'll become available if your controller actually survives the horrors of Nido Tower and you manage to reach Oputa. She learns an assortment of healing, offensive and support techniques.
Despite being the party's main healer, she can actually be a goddamn tank if given two shields and a magic item such as the Storm Gear.


Hugh Thompson (Huey Reane)

A faggy biologist who likes tending to his faggy garden when he isn't using magic to kill shit. He'll become available after you finish the Biosystems Lab – ironic considering the fact that that it would have been one of the few locations in the game where he might have actually been useful.
His text adventure features him fighting a bunch of GMO plants that are angry at him for being a vegan faggot.


Anna Zirski (Amia Amirski)

A blonde, space bounty hunter who uses boomerangs as her primary weapon because she's also a gun control advocate. She'll become available after visiting Zema. She learns several unique support techniques as well as several offensive techniques.
Her defense is shit if she's equipped with two slashers, so get used to her dying a whole lot near the end of the game.


Josh Kain (Kinds Ji An)

A so-called "mechanic" and palette-swap of Hugh who joins your party after visiting Kueri. He sucks at his job and, as such, the majority of his techniques allow him to break robots to pieces. He doesn't have any real use until after you've defeated Neifirst and unleashed the killer robots upon Motavia.


Shir Gold✡ (Shilka Levinia)

A thief and green-haired palette-swap of Amy who joins your party after visiting Piata. She likes to steal shit and run away whenever your party enters a store, so get used to flying back to your home on Motavia to retrieve her after after she decides to steal shit from the Namekian space Eskimos. Despite being an annoying Jew, Shir is still the best waifu in the game thanks to the fact that she can shoplift useful items and will eventually steal an item that lets you save your game at any time. Due to her thievery, she is also notable for being the only character other than Rolf and Nei to have more dialog than just an intro and a line in the ending.
She's the fastest character in the game and tends to get her turn before most enemies can attack.
The text adventure games reveal that she's actually a spoiled rich girl who just steals shit for the lulz, which further confirms her status as best girl.

Other Characters

Aside from the seven playable characters and the purple bitch who can't even last half an adventure before dying, Phantasy Star II is filled with plenty of other characters who are fully devoid of personality and serve no real purpose to the game's main plot. The majority of these "characters" are merely shopkeepers and quest-givers that you'll visit twice before forgetting that they even existed.


Governor O'Connor

Rolf's commander who happens to be the Governor of Motavia or some shit. He'll be your first quest-giver and won't give a shit when the government announces that Rolf and company are wanted terrorists. He'll eventually give you access to a space ship so you can go to Dezoris and do more mundane quests.


Librarian

A smart woman who is the only person capable of understanding the logs from the Biosystems Lab. She'll inform you that you have to go to Climatrol and then immediately goes back to remaining useless for the rest of the game.


Data Memory Girl

She works at the Data Memory Centre and will save your game. You can also contact her with the Visiphone to save your game anywhere. Expect to see her a lot, since forgetting to save means a fuckload of backtracking in this shitty game.


Dr. Revolver Ocelot

He works at the clinic and will restore your HP and TP or cure the poison status. The clinic is the only way to restore your TP in this game, so expect to see him a whole fucking lot.


Clone Lab Grandma

This fugly monstrosity runs the Clone Lab where you can purchase clones of your characters after they get raped to death by giant praying mantises. Expect to visit this one a lot too, since you will be dying a lot in this game.


Weapon Shop Girl

An 80s cyberpunk whore who sells guns and other assorted weapons. This is one of those RPGs where you'll need to have the best equipment for everyone if you don't want to die, so expect to be giving this bitch a lot of your hard-earned meseta.


Armour Shop Faggot

This Queer Eye reject will sell you armour. Much like with weapons, you'll need to have the best armour to even stand a chance in this game.


Item Shop Guy

This guy will sell you drugs and other magickal relics such as Escapipes, Telepipes and Hidapipes. He looks exactly like the Marijuana Guy that you'll meet later in the game.


Darum (Durham)

A douchebag who tried to murder Nei prior to the events of the game. He's actually turned to robbery in order to pay the ransom to get his daughter back. He explodes for no apparent reason after murdering his daughter for bringing shame to their family by converting to Islam.


Teim (Tim)

Darum's kidnapped daughter who decides to be a complete retard and chooses to wear a burka when confronting her father. Naturally, this leads to Darum stabbing her to death and then exploding.


Blaster (Man Cover)

An overpowered-as-fuck enemy that can be randomly encountered on the last floor of the game's second dungeon. Blasters appear to be escaped testicles that are highly enraged and in search of a new host. Encountering these is where most players ragequit since, if they kill you, the game will force you to reload a save and lose at least half an hour of progress.



Mota People (Motavians)

These fuckers have a Jet Scooter and you need a Jet Scooter. Fortunately, these disgusting rat people are having so much fun swimming around in literal garbage that they'll give you the fucking Jet Scooter for free.



Marijuana Guy

A mad scientist who will help you breath underwater if you bring him weed.



Ustvesia (Abanchino)

A flaming homosexual who will teach you how to play the piano. He'll also give you access to the game's soundtest so you can overindulge yourself in the overly-upbeat J-pop shite that makes up the entire soundtrack of this horribly dark and depressing game.



Neifirst

Nei's darker and edgier twin who's unleashed bio monsters on Motavia because she's angry that she wasn't aborted.



Scared Pussybitch

A little bitch who's scared because Motavia is flooding and everyone is gonna die. Suck it up, buttercup.


Army Eyes

Robots that come to arrest your party after you open the four dams and are branded as terrorists by Skynet. You can't beat them and they'll always capture you after several futile rounds of combat.


Tyler

A space pirate who saves you from Gaira when it crashes into Palma. He's supposed to be a descendant of Tyrone (Odin) from the first game.


Dezorians

A race of green motherfuckers who will lie to you and jack up their prices if you aren't wearing the Mogic Cap. Srsly, it's called the Mogic Cap.


Elon Musk Cats

A race of cat-like creatures who will lie to you if you aren't wearing the Magic Cap.


Lutz

The autist formerly known as Noah in the first Phantasy Star. He's still a douche and sends you to retrieve eight magickal macguffins before he'll send you into space to fight Mother Brain.


Dark Force (Dark Falz)

The same Darkfalz from the first game with a slightly different name because the translators didn't know what the fuck they were doing. He literally comes out of a random box in outer space for no reason and, aside from his occasional appearances in Rolf's PTSD flashbacks to the first game's events, isn't actually relevant to the game's plot in any way.
He's notable for being the hardest boss in the game due to his ability to turn your party members evil. This ability turns your party members into greedy Jews and useless niggers and its effect only wears off when the Neisword arbitrarily decides to dispell it. This is essentially a nod to the notion that he turned Lassic evil in the first game.
In order to even have a chance at beating him you'll most likely have to buff your defense, spam him with Megid and Nazan and then hope that he doesn't completely fuck you over by possessing your entire party.


Mother Brain

The physical embodiment of Kurt Eichenwald's seizures and the game's final boss. She's signifigantly less annoying than Dark Force and it's entirely possible for a character to solo her if they have high enough defense and keep spamming Storm Gear/Truth Sleeves for about half an hour.


Earthmen

The real villains of the game. The Earthmen are from a faggy planet called Earth that was destroyed due to global warming and have set their sights on taking over Motavia. In their genius plan to take over a planet, they destroy planet Palma for no reason and install the Mother Brain as supreme leader of Algol – a fact that noone seemed to actually notice nor care about while it was occurring.
In reality, these fuckers were shoehorned into the game's ending in an attempt to make the game seem philosophical – something that obviously failed horribly.

Why Phantasy Star II is Objectively Shit

Phantasy Star Phantasy Star II
Do Spell Names Make Sense? Yes Spell Names do not make sense and are retarded.
Number of Planets 3 2
Number of Drivable Vehicles 3 1
Can You Talk to Monsters? Yes No
Protagonist A strong female protagonist who wasn't shoehorned in. A generic blue-haired anime faggot.
Uses Junk Food as Healing Items? Yes No
Dungeon Design Features 3D first-person dungeons. Features 2D dungeons designed by complete fucking retards.
Battle Backgrounds Features detailed battle backgrounds. All battles take place in the goddamn matrix.
Dumb Plot Twists Reveals that Alis is the heir to the Algol star system's throne in the literal last minute of the game. Kills off your 3-year-old elf waifu just to make you cry. Blows up planet Palma for literally no reason. Reveals that Earthmen were behind everything in the literal last minute of the game.
Features Marijuana? No FEATURES MARIJUANA THAT LETS YOU BREATH UNDERWATER!!111
Number of Battle Themes 3 2
Number of Bosses 8 3
Has DLC? No Yes (Japan Only)

A Detailed Analysis of the Stupid Western Cover Art

File:PS2WesternCoverArt.png
  1. Rolf looks like Thomas Jefferson with blue hair.
  2. Nei looks like Morticia Addams with horns.
  3. Rolf is holding a gun despite the fact that he is only able to equip two different guns and primarily uses swords.
  4. The background landscape is a desert despite Motavia being green as fuck in this game.
  5. The fugly creature in the front doesn't remotely resemble anything in the game.
  6. Mother Brain is a literal fucking brain.

Trolling Phantasy Star II Fags

  • Pronounce Nei's name as knee, nigh or knee-eye.
  • Pronounce Nei's name as nell and insist that the I is actually an L.
  • Say that Phantasy Star II ripped off its plot from Final Fantasy VII.
  • Say that Alys' death hits harder than Nei's.
  • Say that Final Fantasy IV is a better game.
  • Say that the American box art is better.
  • Say that Phantasy Star III is a better game.
  • Tell them that Phantasy Star Gaiden is the true sequel to Phantasy Star.
  • Tell them that there's a way to revive Nei and then make up some convoluted bullshit.
  • Ask them to correctly describe all of Hugh and Kain's techniques from memory and then call them "not a true Phantasy Star fan" when they can't do it.
  • Ask them if they've beaten Neifirst with just Nei and then call them "not a true Phantasy Star fan" if they say no.
  • Ask them if they've beaten Neifirst with just Nei and then mock them for having no life if they say yes.
  • Ask them if they've beaten the Army Eyes and then call them "not a true Phantasy Star fan" when they say no.
  • Tell them that Palma was blown up solely because Yuji Naka and Co. didn't have the time to include it in the game and needed an excuse to get rid of it.

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