Dark Souls

A book on the people that play this game

Dark Souls is an epitome of artificial difficult action RPG shovelware developed by the non-jewish company From Software (Yes, that is the name they are going with). Known for its anally devastating difficulty fps drops, Dark Souls has gained a reputation amongst gaymers as a game that only elitist hardcoar gaymers who are gods at cowadoodys that got bored at pwning n00bz play. This is entirely untrue. It has a spiritual predecessor called Demon Souls that no one played. On another interesting note, this game has a shithole PC port that the fans themselves asked for.

Gameplay

The gameplay is fairly simple to start off with, but being made by japs, it is over complicated. All you generally have to do is swing your dinky weapon at enemies until they die. OR if you're a casual, you can use spam pyromancy or magic. There are a few starting classes to choose from and depending on which class you choose generally doesn't mean jack shit in the long run. There are also starting gifts to choose from, but all of them but one is useless.

Starting Classes

Class	Description
Warrior	Generic warrior kind of guy, an okay starting class.
Knight	Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit.
Wanderer	Emo fgt class. For the edgier sort of folk.
Cleric	Christfags #1 starting class. For pussies who like to heal with miracles and swing around blunt instruments.
Pyromancer	The homeless guy who lives under the bridge on North Main St. apparently got a role in a video game. Uses pyromancy like a badass.
Thief	The other edgy class. Starts off with the best starting gift by default, allowing you to get another gift because the game thinks you're special.
Bandit	Inferior shittier version of Knight class and tank version of the Thief. Has the highest STR of all of the classes.
Hunter	Wears pimpin leather armor and has high DEX. Also has very useful bow. Pretty much the best class in the game.
Sorcerer	Gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is completely useless HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS magic in this game is ridiculously overpowered and can be used to kill every enemy with impunity.
Deprived	Besides hunter it's the only other class really worth playing. You start off nekkid and get a tactical wooden club.

Weapons

To sum up the game it's just a whole clusterfuck of weapons thrown in. Most of the normal, shittier looking weapons, are the best in the game. And of course the big and bad weapons that the cool kids use like the Greatsword of Artorias or basically any boss weapon, are complete shit and only exist to fill cosplayfags wet dreams about having a threesome with Ornstien and Smough.

Magic

Magic is the most overpowered thing in the game. It is primarily used for cheap kills in PvP. There exists 3 different kinds of "magic". We put that in quotes because the game isn't sure what the fuck it's trying to do with all this shit.

Sorcery

This kind of magic is just plain old fucking magic. It's what those "uppity scholars" in a place called who gives a fuck used. Debatably, this is the strongest kind of magic because of one spell. It has many applications in the game and is very useful for things such as; murdering the innocent, disguising yourself as random shit to avoid social interaction with other players in PvP, getting past those fucking silver knights in Anor Londo (any experienced player knows what were talking about), and being a complete dick. Also it can make your weapons OP as fuck if you buff them. Many new players in PvP who die by Homing Crystal Soulmass or get one-shotted by a soul spear will usually accuse the other player of hacking. If they whine about how you keep invading them and one-shotting them, they eventually rage-quit or will send a long and sad message about how they are just trying to beat the boss/get back the fuckload of souls they lost after you invaded them. So magic is good for trolling newfags and shit but other than that its not really good for anything.

Pyromancy

The real man's magic is fucking pyromancy. This is the fuckin shit right here nigga. Not only is it ranged and powerful as fuck, it has much more of a limited range and a bit longer cast time than most sorceries making this much more fair for real PvP. Although gankers won't like this, moralfags will.

Miracles

Christfags style of magic. Basically the magic of the gods and all but one sucks. For betas and people who can't get enough estus to heal their sorry tanking-asses.

How To Play The Game

1. Choose Pyromancer
2. Go straight down to Darkroot Gardens, grab the Elite Knight gear
3. Grab a crossbow
4. Go to Andre, level all your shit up
5. Go to the Capra Demon, sit on top of the door and ping arrows at his head till he dies
6. Open The Depths, free Laurentius and grab the Large Ember
7. Level up your shit even more, max out the pyromancy flame
8. Go to Blighttown, ascend the pyromancy flame
9. Invade other players' games, make them an hero with despair as a level one character hits them for 400+ damage a hit
10. You win the universe. Kill yourself.

How You Will Probably Actually End Up Playing The Game

1. Get lost. End up in the Catacombs. Skeleton raped.
2. Go a different way. Get lost again. End up in New Londo. Ghost raped.
3. Go a different way again. Still lost. End up in Valley of the Drakes. Dragon raped.
4. Run past dragons. Completely lost by this point. Hydra raped.
5. Somehow end up going the right way. Reach Undead Parish.
6. Probably end up raped anyway because by this point you're too angry to concentrate.
7. Hurl XBox through brick wall. Kill yourself.

List of Widely accepted GOOD Weapons

This is the average equipment choice of the pros.

• Lucerne
• Claymore
• Balder Side Sword (Balder Swag Sword)
• Demon's Greataxe
• Man-serpent Greatsword
• Falchion
• Ricard's Rapier
• Any Black Knight weapon
• Uchigatana (Or Iatio for fags)
• Painting Guardian Sword (Almost shitty for its piss-poor range)
• Shit

List of Shitty Weapons

• Nearly every boss weapon
• Every dragon weapon
• Any weapon not listed in the list above

Story

So you want to know the story huh? Well too fucking bad because if this game had a story it wouldn't be as "deep" or "immersive" as it is. In reality it's just laziness from the devs who are just laughing their asses off because you faggots thought a fucking pendant that said IT DOESN'T DO SHIT actually did shit. Okay so you should at least get acquainted with the fucktards who make up the "wonderful" land of Lordran.

Important People to know

Name	Description
Lord Gwyn	God Sunlight. Pisses lightning and shits thunder. Is the final boss of the game and is extremely easy if you can parry. Apparently is the biggest an hero in the world.
Gravelord Nito	Edgiest thing in existence. Made up of a bunch of dead bodies. Another really easy boss.
Seath the Scaless	Dragon with a small, scaless penis. Betrayed the dragons for Gwyn's entire porn collection. Kidnapped lolis and turned them into tentacle rape monster thingys. Raped Gwynevere and had her give birth to Priscilla, every fanboys waifu.
Gwynevere	Some bitch who isn't even in the game. (At least not the real one.) Gives you something so you can jizz in it. Also has tits bigger than the player character's head.
Dark Moon Gwyndolin	Token trap of the game with snakes up his skirt. Whiny little bitch who hides in his father's fake tomb. The bitch at the Anor Londo bonfire is his hoe.
Witch of Izalith	Some witch that tried to copy a flame or shit and royally fucked up. (What did you expect from a woman?) Is the reason why that fatass nigger demon in the asylum and the most annoying boss in the game exists.

The World

So you bought the game and you're expecting an immersive world amirite? Well you just wasted money as this world is complete dick. It is mainly just a bunch of cliffs and cheap deaths by falls. The only good area in the game is Ash Lake and it's hidden really good too. I mean, how was the player supposed to know you were supposed to hit a wall behind some chest and then hit a wall behind ANOTHER chest then go down a gigantic tree with lizard things that suck your dick and curse you with their shit breath and mushroom people that can one-shot nearly any player? The shittiest place in the game by far has to be the Tomb of the Giants. No one wants to go there as it is just a frustrating piece of shit. It has giant skeleton beasts that can one-shot you if you're not paying attention, which is always because of how dark and boring it is. So basically to sum up the whole place, it's shit.

The Enemies

Every game needs good challenging enemies. Well this one just fucked up. All the enemies are bland and totally unoriginal. They range from stupid niggers throwing shit at you to one-shotting giant Hydras. We at ED have saved you the time and effort of actually playing the game and listed most of the enemies below for you.

This the common players reaction towards death.

Enemy	Description
Hollow Soldier	Easiest enemy in the game. Takes 1-2 hits to kill. Generic.
Black Knight	For experts this enemy is no problem at all but to beginners this one is your worst nightmare. Even if you rest at the bonfire they do not reset and will stop at nothing until you're dead. Basically really big assholes.
Skeletons	Speaking of assholes we have another generic enemy. Most frustrating aspect of these guys is they DON'T DIE.
Negromancers	Okay so if you kill these guys the skellies don't respawn. Neat huh?
Wheel Skeletons	Biggest assholes in the game. Will drain your stamina bar in under 10 seconds flat if you try to block at all.
Silver Knight	Copy-paste shittier versions of the Black Knight. Despite wearing metal, their armor has high lightning resistance for no reason.
Tree-Human-Things	No one knows what these fuckers are called. Annoying as fuck though. Most likely involved in tentacle porn another sign of being made by japs.
Hydra	A huge dragon-thing with many heads. Shoots cum at the player from like 100 feet away. There are only two in the game and neither one respawns.
Royal Sentinels	Slow as fuck guys in giant armor. Lives in Anal Long Dong. Easy to dodge.
Other Enemies	No one really feels like reading through a whole list of stupid shit so we'll cut it short here. tl;dr they all suck

The graphics

Besides being an absolute disgrace of a shitty game, Dark Souls can also proudly claim the honor of having the worst graphics known to man.

No, that is not the gameboy version

Lists

If there is one thing this game seems to have a problem with its lists. The whole game is basically just one big list of shit. The amount of weapons you get is the biggest list you'll see in your life.(Even longer than the list of niggers in the unemployment line.) Not only are there a metric ass ton of weapons already in the game, you can have more than one of the same weapon and the weapons you have multiple of don't make a neat stack no they just add on to the already huge ass list. (And strangely enough other non-weapon items such as humanity or cracked red eye orbs do make neat little stacks.) The game isn't the only thing suffering from this list disease. The whole community (even this article) suffers from this strange disease. I mean just open any article on the wikidot wiki and just look. It's just a list of fuck.

Artificial Difficulty Tropes vs Players in Dark Souls

Despite the above article, here is a list of Artificial Difficulty Tropes which DS completely endorses and liberally applies.

Spam Enemies

Dark Soul's "difficulty" is largely derived from hurling hordes of copy-pasted enemies at the player. The entire Soulsborne series revolves around this core concept, actually. The player is regularly pitted against large crowds of cloned enemies with little to no variance in their attack patterns or weapons. The enemies themselves are incredibly weak and can be stunned in one hit, so the gameplay boils down to stun-locking as many crowds as you can.

Cheap Deaths

Another core mechanic is cheap deaths. These are largely deaths or unusually difficult positions the player cannot avoid or adequately manage without previous experience, such as bullshit enemy locations. For example, after fighting the first non-tutorial boss, players will progress along a bridge, only to be one-shot by a fire-breathing dragon the size of a church.

A late-game example is forcing the player to die to an invincible boss in order to progress to the next section of the level, without ever actually telling them they have to die. Unless you don't equip a one-time use ring that prevents you from losing souls on death, your souls will be left in the boss area that is NEVER re-visited by the game. You will have to go out of your way to progress back to the beginning of the level and pick your souls back up. Assholes.

'Those' Enemies

'Those' enemies are the ones that are annoying to deal with, no matter how good you are. This trope usually goes hand-in-hand with cheap deaths.

A great example are the toxic blow-dart spitters in Blighttown. A single dart from them will debuff the player with very strong life-drain that is guaranteed to kill at lower levels. The only real options are to consume a rare item to purge toxic/poison, an item the player is unlikely to have, or to retreat to a previous checkpoint.

But an even better example are Basilisks. Basilisks seemingly vape large clouds of Russian nerve gas which will fill a "Curse" bar up if the player stands in it. Stand in it too long and it will insta-kill you. BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET! When you respawn, you will have your maximum health cut in half. The only way to restore your health to its former glory is to find an arbitrarily placed NPC healer in a late-game location, or to purchase overpriced crack rocks from a vendor.

Also, you can be cursed 16 times, with each additional curse removing another 50% of your maximum health.

Walk of Shame

The Walk of Shame is the incredibly tedious walk the player is punished with if they die. It is among the worst punishments a player can receive, simply because of how god damn long it takes to proceed again. In most cases, the walk back to your point of death won't even be difficult or challenging. Elevators or other gimmicks are usually employed as well. The Walk of Shame summarizes the entire second-half of the game.

Examples include Anor Londo, Lost Izalith, and the Chasm of the Abyss. In fact, the Walk of Shame summarizes the entire second-half of the game.

Battle the Camera/FPS

The camera is uncooperative overall, and nearly impossible to control in tight spaces, often times making the player fall off platforms or be unable to face enemies. The camera is so bad there's actually settings that disable the "wall recovery" (whatever the fuck that means) in every Dark Souls game. Additionally, the auto targeting system randomly decides to go spastic when in use, and can buffer button inputs or make the player dodge or attack in unintended angles.

In console versions, the frame-rate can unexpectedly dip into single-digit territory or violently stutter whenever the player moves the camera in quite a few normal locations. Some of these stutters are unexplainable.

Blatantly easy or unfair Bosses

Littered throughout the entire game are bosses that will wildly vary in difficulty. Early-game bosses such as the Capra Demon or the Bell Gargoyles are designed to overwhelm a weak or novice player whereas later-game bosses have EXTREMELY exploitable weaknesses. For example, the Iron Golem atop Sen's Fortress can actually be incapacitated for a whole minute by simply attacking it, not to mention its incredibly slow and easily telegraphed attacks.

Dark Souls 2: Electric Boogaloo Multiplayer Edition

Sweet Shalquoir does not approve.

Of course autistic nerds demanded a sequel to the game, so they can avoid the real challenge of getting a job and perhaps getting laid, when they could just stay at home and try to impress people by writing shitty gamefaqs articles on how to defeat a boss. The game is exactly the same, except now you can show off your lack of social skills by playing it with your friends, which shows the paradox of the game. The better you are at the game, the worse you are at being socially adept, and the worse you are at the game, you will be even more of an outcast as the retards you play with will barrage you for your n00bness.
Like the first time around the game will look like a game from 2003, and will be available on the same platforms. Yep, From Software decided to only release their game on the PS3 and Xbox360. Also on Windows, but the port is so bad it is not even worth mentioning.

	“	I sincerely don’t think they intended to deceive, but in the end they sacrificed a huge amount of graphical fidelity at the very end of development because they couldn’t resolve the framerate in any other way. They had to promote the game with screens and trailers, but at that time even they had no idea they were going to have to drop the settings so much, I suspect.	„
	—On how they faked their trailers, http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2014/03/20/dark-souls-ii-was-unplayable-and-broken-on-consoles-before-graphics-downgrade

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Gallery

Art About missing Pics

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  Card crusher Dark Souls style.
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  Obviously.
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[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Note the ponyfaggotry in this picture.
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  What DS would like as a manga
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  Funfact: He actually laughs during the boss battle.
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  This image would make even the most hardcore players scream.
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  How you are greeted when your stupid ass goes to the Catacombs at the very start of the game
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  Elemental weapons aren't overpowered guys! We swear!!!1!
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  This guy is the most badass character in existence.
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  What to do when arriving at the Tomb of the Giants
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See Also

• Link to the best build in the game
• Dark Souls 2
• Demon's Souls
• The place you'll be spending the most time at other than actually playing the game.
• The other place where fags will spend their time at.
• A reskinned version of the game with less content

	Dark Souls is part of a series on Souls Series [BonfireBoss fight] Core series Demon's Souls ♰ Dark Souls ♰ Dark Souls 2 ♰ Dark Souls 3 Spin-offs Bloodborne

Dark Souls is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.