Bernie Goetz

The Jew, The Myth, The Legend.

Bernhard Hugo Goetz^✡ (a.k.a. The Death Wish Gunman and The Subway Vigilante) is an American hero, environmentalist and professional Jew who is most well known for his tireless efforts to clean up New York's filthy, vermin-infested subway system in the mid-1980s. In the decades following his humanitarian work and Second Amendment activism, Goetz has taken up numerous hobbies such as selling weed and harbouring squirrels in his apartment, much to the chagrin of his landlord. Goetz is also notable for losing the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize to Barack Obama due to the Nobel committee's anti-semitism.

Bernie Goetz first rose to national fame on December 22, 1984, when four black youths decided to surround him and politely demanded that he give them $5 so they could afford to buy half of a Something Awful account from their local drug dealer. Not willing to be a victim like every other goddamn Jew on the planet, Badass Bernie decided to respond to the teenagers' demands by pulling out a .38-caliber revolver and shooting every single fucking one of them.

Following the failed mugging, the four entitled niglets decided to play the race card and Bernie Goetz was eventually put on trial for 4 counts of attempted murder – all of which he was acquitted of. Goetz was, however, convicted of unlawful possession of a weapon because the fucking government had previously denied his request for a concealed carry permit despite the fact that he was previously mugged and wanted to exercise his Second Amendment rights to defend himself.

Subway's Five Dollar Footlong

Arrested for self-defense crimes.

	“	Gimme five dollars.	„
	—Troy Canty, before being owned by a dorky Jew

	“	I knew it wasn't a gun but I could tell they were going to beat the shit out of me.	„
	—Bernie notices bulge. OwO what's this?

	“	You don’t look so bad, here’s another.	„
	—Bernie Goetz, Nigger Exterminator

LOL Acquitted

Goetz is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit.

	“	I would, without any hesitation, shoot a violent criminal again.	„
	—Bernie Goetz (archive)

	“	I know it's disgusting to say, but it was so easy. I can't believe it. God.	„
	—Bernie Goetz, on shooting niggers

Squirrel Girl

30 years later.

High Score

Graded score
Kill count:	n/a
Accuracy:	20/20 5 bullets 4 niggers
Style:	20/20 Entered bullet-time hyperspace and channeled The Matrix.
Butthurt:	20/20 Typical instance of blacks getting butthurt after a kike fought back.
Bonus:	40/20 Perfect pacifist run.
Total score: 100/100 (A+++)

THE PEACEKEEPER See full ranking

See Also

• Getting away with it
• Black Lives Matter
• George Zimmerman
• Bernie Sanders
• Bernie Goatse

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