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Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey
Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, is a 44 year old pedophile who lives in a trailer in Rochester, Minnesota. He has been arrested numerous times for stalking, coercion and abduction, has run for office in New Jersey, Florida, and 3 other states, has brainwashed a 16 year old retarded wannabe goth fatass into being his "wyfe", and is a vampire who happens to work at a pizza place. Oh, and he's a part time Elvis impersonator who has never gotten a gig, as well as a former wrestler who never won a match. So all in all, just your average guy.
Romance
When you're the one and only tr00 kvlt vampire god, finding a partner who shares similiar interests and ideals is no small task in today's fast paced modern world. Those who wish to rule their state with the iron fist of sweet communism whilst living their life as a vampire are often passed up on the dating scene for those with more stable jobs and belief systems.
Like many lonely gentlemen, Johnathan naturally decided to hunt for his soulmate online. What he found was a young, yet strikingly grown-up woman named Paige Brewer who fit all of the characteristics he was looking for, and she was totally old enough to make her own decisions. He had finally found himself a keeper, but their love would be a controversy, labelled as pedophilia by those evil establishment fatcats who had scuppered his chances of success in the previous election. Finally, after three months of knowing each other, and not even having to have met each other, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey proposed to Paige via YouTube video, and in the spirit of the proposal, she accepted via MySpace, as a true kick in the teeth to anyone who says romance is dead. Vampire John then, of course, abducted the girl and went on the run. Police were running out of ideas, and their last ditch attempt to get her back, thankfully, worked. They created a fake competition on one of the forums Sharkey frequents and named Jonathon the lucky winner of a personal meet-and-greet with Don Henrie! When he turned up to meet his hero he was swiftly arrested and the girl taken into protective custody. As of now, they are communicating through a super secret MySpace account that her mother doesn't yet know about and planning on running away again after his campaign, however this is completely deserved as her mother has obviously not capped her internets time, a smart move i'm sure you'll agree.
This is not the first time that Johnny has had dealings with real life 16 year old girls, he has unfortunately been left with no choice, on numerous occasions, other than to stalk girls who were suspected by him to be Vampyre Hunters. He had been tragically misunderstood on so many occasions by lovers, to the extent that he had nearly been sentenced to prison time for stalking and attacking another sixteen year old girl.
Political Aspirations
A challenge to a vampyre hunter. We shit you not, he actually believes in this stuff.
Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, or "The Future Governer of Minnesota" as he prefers to be known, has a strong political background and hopes to one day rule the world. Unfortunately, the public wrongly assume that his extensive criminal record, obvious mental illness, admitted pedophilia, communist ideals, belief in that which does not exist, lack of formal education or experience in the field of politics, and the fact that he is currently employed as a pizza delivery boy preclude him from being able to adequately fulfill the position of State Governor, however we at Encyclopedia Dramatica wholeheartedly disagree, and will be personally ensuring that his opponents and constituents have full access to this article, the centrepiece of his campaign.
Some of the things that Jonathon intends to do when he is inevitably made governor are as follows:
Literally Impale People
Yes, that is correct, if put into a position of power Sharkey vows that he would actually impale people. His MySpace says:
—Mister Sharkey on the nuances of the American legal system. |
The problem with this logic is that he is, in fact, both a rapist and a child abuser/molester, in the eyes of the law. We'll let that logic slide though and forgive the fact that state governors do not actually have anything to do with the doling out of punishment, and that impaling is a "cruel and unusual" punishment forbidden by every governing organisation in the western world, but we just can't forgive the all caps rant. Fuck you Sharkey, fuck you and your shift key to hell.
Abolish the Age of Consent
Jonathon Sharkey doesn't want to lower the age of consent, that would be stupid, he simply wants to abolish it altogether. Do you wish to have sex with an infant? Go for it. This is basically the message that Sharkey wants out there.
— Holy shit, vampires use Skype. |
Build A Russian Military Base In Minnesota
He gives no reason.
— The next governor of Minnesota, On his YouTube |
Other aspirations
- Previous to getting his pizza delivery job, worked at a frozen yoghurt stand but was fired for forcing his politics on people who just wanted frozen yoghurt.
- Has "Released an album" of himself singing Elvis songs. It has not sold any copies as yet but he's still holding out for that big record deal.
- Delivers pizza for a living in order to pay out for those snazzy throw covers he wears.
- Has a highly successful wrestling career, with his matches sometimes attracting as many as fifteen fans.
- Wants the age of consent abolished, for obvious reasons. Oddly, does not want it lowered, just done away with altogether.
Notable Quotes
That crazy motherfucker has a soundbite for all occasions.
—Riiiiight, A Hecate witch |
—A deadly admission from a Wild Snorlax | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Gallery
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His sword, they dont know of it.
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Out in the harshes of Minnesota.
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He claims this is actually his family home, not the trailer which is his registered adress.
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Look at the hoardes of hysterical fans!!
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Showing off his awesome make-up application
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Don't touch me there daddy...
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Lolmusician
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You are fat
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More fans!
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The title of this shot on his MySpace? "Powerfully Standing"
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Vote Sharkey, the only candidate who can carry off a black velvet suit.
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When not plotting world domination, Sharkey is an incredibly poor Elvis impersonator.
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Making yourself pink does not make you look slimmer
See Also
External Links
Mainstream Social Networking
- His shitty music MySpace
- His YouTube. Notice his favourites include Barry Manilow.
- His other MySpace on which he defends their lolcow love.
- The fatass girl's MySpace. Full of fail.
- her YouTube is shit.
- Facebook group dedicated to bringing him down. Run by the fatass' mother.
- Her mother's Facebook
Other
- Another article.
- Partyvan?
- Even the freaks hate him.
- Court report from him breaking parole.
- A documentary on the madness
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Vampires • Humanoids • Reptiles • The Rest • See Also Click topics to expand |
