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Elden Ring
Currently Unfinished Article, will finish soon.
Elden Ring (a.k.a. Dark Souls 2: Electric Boogaloo) is the latest in the saga of From Software's Dark Souls series, a shitty action RPG that is primarily known for being as crack rocks and lore so obtuse you have entire channels dedicated to explaining the lore. Like its predecessors, Elden Ring is an extremely unfair game, with all the tropes from the previous games, like enemy spam, cheap deaths, and camera fuckery. Unlike its predecessors however, the bosses this time decided to stop having windows to permit counterattacking, having combos that never end whilst they stick to the player like cum on a nendoroid, and massive attacks that cover the entire arena, leaving little to no room to dodge the attack, which they will continue to spam until the player is inevitably shown large, red text stating "YOU DIED".
Additionally, unlike it's predecessors, Elden Ring is "open world" and allows players to go around raging at multiple bosses before finally deciding to smash their console and go outside to get a fucking life. There's also the addition of Spirit Ashes, which are ghosts one can summon to lessen the pain of getting your teeth kicked into your asshole, however due to their shit AI and poor stats, they serve as a distraction if anything else. Spirit Ashes have caused great deals of gamer rage and lulz across the community, since they can sometimes trivialize bosses, and can therefore make the game ez.
For some inexplicable reason, Elden Ring managed to become the most sold FromSoftware game ever, clocking in at over 20 Million sales.
Gameplay
Much like Dark Souls, the gameplay loop is simple in concept, but due to being made by TEH JAPS, was made unnecessarily convoluted. Normally in these games you'd just smack around everything with your toothpick of a weapon until the enemy dropped dead, but this time that's not gonna work, as due to the aforementioned point of bosses never stopping to rest, you'll need to approach the game differently, like cheesing bosses, and slapping the bosses ass. If one is a casual, they can also spam magic and "incantations" to avoid all the bullshit the game has to offer. Additionally, a new mechanic called Ashes of War were introduced to permit you to add various special abilities to your weapons.
Due to the nature of the game being open world, you now have Fast Travel by default, and have the ability to summon Torrent, a horse goat thing that was blessed with the ability to double jump and fuck with fall damage, causing you to die inexplicably. Torrent was likely named Torrent to prevent noob pirates from getting the game for free. They also added a Stake of Marika mechanic, where certain locations allow you to respawn at the small statue that are often located next to the boss fogwall, rather than the Site of Grace.
Unlike the goal of becoming a living torch of the previous games, your goal in this game is to go mend the Elden Ring and become the Elden Lord, but there are even more options one can do this time. While the game is open world, there's several linear dungeons throughout the game to explore, which are more reminiscent of the older games. There's also more prominent stealth mechanics, since you can now crouch down and rape enemies from behind if you sneak up on them, ala alleyway style.
Finally, you can craft items by collecting a crafting kit, which allows you to utilize several, often shit consumables, and by proxy, is the reason why most people don't craft items.
Starting Classes
There's a total of 10 starting classes to choose from, but for most of them, don't really change anything in the long run, due to how you can level up all stats to an equal level. Additionally, one has starting gifts to choose from, which also don't usually matter, since almost all of them are acquirable later on. There isn't exactly an objectively best class or starting gift anymore.
| Class | Image | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Warrior |  |
Has generally high dex, wielding duel daggers. Usually overlooked for better options. |
| Bandit |  |
Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit. |
| Confessor |  |
The emo fgt class. For the edgier sort of folk and the stealth players. |
| Vagabond |  |
The Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit. |
| Wretch |  |
The best class in the game. You start off nekkid and get a tactical wooden club. |
| Prophet |  |
Orderfags #1 starting class. For pussies who like to heal with incantations and throw fireballs at people. |
| Samurai |  |
For all the Wapanese players out there. Has a katana that bleeds things, making it a solid choice, since Bleed is overpowered. |
| Prisoner |  |
Class with a fuck ugly helmet, and can't specialize into any niche, making him bad. |
| Astrologer |  |
Second gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is |
| Hero |  |
The strength focused class, useful if you wanna level everyone down to your intellect. |
Story
George R. R. Martin was involved in the creation of this games story, which is why the game is less dark fantasy and more "generic fantasy". It's also why the game's lore is even more convoluted than usual.
Some bitch named Queen Marika smashed the fuck out of something called the "Elden Ring" that shat out magical golden rays called "grace". You play as a Tarnished, a complete fucking loser who's been cast aside by the grace, and are tasked with restoring the Elden Ring in order to become Marika's new boy (or girl) toy and claim the title of "Elden Lord".
Characters
Melina is a spectral whore and aspiring arsonist who kills herself to burn down the Erdtree.
Queen Marika/Radagon is a hermaphrodite God with bipolar disorder. It destroyed the Elden Ring and then attempted to repair it. Also cheated on its own husband with itself.
Godfrey/Hoarah Loux is Marika's cuck ex-husband whom she left for Radagon (who is actually herself, making this a MEGA ULTRA CUCK). He was the first to be told to GTFO by grace and became the first Tarnished, after which he joined a group of tribal warriors and became Hoarah Loux, Warrior.
Godrick is Godfrey and Marika's NEET incel son who is addicted to plastic surgery. He murders Tarnished and attaches their limbs onto his own body because he's a sick fuck.
Rennala is Radagon's ex-wife whom he left to go fuck Marika. Much like Godfrey, Rennala is a super cuck who is now reduced t
Rykard is Rennala and Radagon's grossest child and a giant mass of snekky tentacles. He wants to devour the very Gods and would very much enjoy devouring them together with you.
Radahn is one of Rennala and Radagon's sons and a huge motherfucker who rides a scrawny-ass horse and dual-wields great swords. He has a crush on his mother's ex-husband.
Ranni/Renna/Waifu is supposedly the daughter of Rennala and Radagon, but is actually one of Marika/Radagon's unholy selfcest spawn. She stole the Rune of Death and turned into a doll for reasons.
Malenia is a ginger bitch with a nasty case of Scarlet Rot. She's Miquella's twin sister and you get to see her nekkid. Unfortunately she has no tits and her nipples have fallen off.
Two Fingers are literally two, giant, hairy fingers that just sit in a room next to some old psychic hag who claims to understand them.
Three Fingers are literally three, giant, flaming fingers that will embrace your fully nude body and grant you the power of the Frenzied Flame. Basically the Two Fingers but evil.
See Also
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Elden Ring is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
