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Demon's Souls
Demon's Souls, also known in Japan as “DEMONZU SOURU” is a role-playing video game created by From Software and published by Atlus for the Playstation 3 Gameboy Color. It's creation is the combined effort of Japans limited understanding on how to make a good game and over 60 years of radiation poisoning. Thank god for regulations, though.. otherwise the game NPC's would all be little girls with old age cover stories liking being afflicted with vampirism or some shit. Not that the story is good, at all. Even calling it a story seems a bit overkill since it's really just a generic good versus evil plot with no notable characters or plot twists. If you're a story driven gamer then move on. This abomination is void of any originality and will probably leave you catatonic before the 2nd set of arch stones.
Ironically, the most unique aspect of the game is also its laziest feature. Look out IGN, now any game is viable for GOTY - as long as the programmers know a whole six lines of coding to disabling the menu pause function. On top of that the PVE is basically just a trial and error piece of shit experience. Pretty much anything can 1hit KO you in the first few arch stones, so good luck increasing your soul level. The bosses are no fucking joke either. But I guess it's all worth it when you finally get that finishing blow on a boss you've used hours on, huh? Feeling satisfied, A sense of accomplishment? Well so would anyone if they were finally able to tie their shoes after 10 fucking hours. They would be godanmed glad it's over with. So basically what you are feeling is relief, not satisfaction.. and at least shoes serve a function unlike your gaming addiction you worthless NEET. Also if this wasn't enough, and you want to stand a chance you also have to grind specific enemies halfway through specific arch stone dimensions for specific materials so you can get specific upgrades for your specific shit only to have all those hours cemented as meaningless when you find out that majik combat is OP as fuck and your badass melee character is actually a pussy ass bitch. All in all The biggest contrast within Demons Souls is the amount of creativity put into its development (on par with MMORPGs) and the amount of effort needed not to suck ass ( on par with MMORPGs). Welcome to the Demon Souls experience.
For the truly seasoned and hardcore gamer who needs consistent affirmation through meaningless accomplishments to keep himself from becoming An Hero there is an even hardcorer hardcore edition termed the true experience edition. In this package you will receive a high quality thorned dragon dildo designed after King Allants' famous Blue Dragon pet. Only when it occupies a good 0.8 meters of your GI tract will you be able to play the game the way Demon Souls was truly meant to be played, semiconscious and in unnecessary excruciating pain.
This game is almost as hard as diet and exercise - boogie2988 before he gained a partial soul by accidentally eating a small african child
in his defense the child had an uncanny resemblance to a large portion of Applebee Ribs
Tutorial and 1st Archstone
like any other JRpg games, you begin in an area where you get pretty useless tips on how to shit on your opponents, but get this, you also have to simultaneously kill them while reading the tips. But due to the fact that the auto-aim option is pure shit, you must rely on SWINGING FUCKING EVERYWHERE! Then you realize that you cannot die in the tutorial, and realize you were skipping all the hints due to ghoul hordes getting offended at you not knowing their ghoul pronouns Xip / Xop / Xoopity, and in an act of justice returning the microagressions in kind by attacking the air close to you. At the end of the tutorial you meet Vanguard, an ugly hybrid between the troll in Harry Potter, and the Balrog maiar demon who subjected Gandalf to his whip and nae nae. Unless you're some sort of autistic speedrunner, this guy will fuck you in every orifice and fill you with his think demon troll seed until you die of asphyxiation.
Would have been a raging hit if they just stopped the bullshit right there, but absolutely not, you wake up as a soul in an underground cathedral at a place called the Nexus ( moar liek sexus, AMIRIGHT???). There are no more tutorials. You immediately get your first 'quest'! The first mission is at the Boletarian palace inside a statue of a self proclaimed midget king. The first thing you see when you go up the stairs to the gates of the palace are a couple of vulnerable ghouls trying to hide behind some wooden crates. You, being the naive stupid piece of shit you are, decided to attack the first ghoul hiding behind a crate you see, only to realize there were ghouls behind crates on the other side of the bridge who are ready to rape at sight. You lose half your lifepoints and gain 20 souls.
When you get past all of the ghouls on the bridge you find out that you do not get to go directly inside the palace, but rather via an alley where another ambush awaits. You keep going, and going, and going... for at least 40 minutes - and at this point you have now figured out how to work all the options. Congratulations. When you get on top of the palace, you decide to go to the right, and kill a ghoul with a spear ( the second most creative creature in the game, #1 being the brilliant plain ghoul). You are now a self proclaimed badass, and you decide to go ahead and kill the knight with red eyes, but instead get 1KO'd. You must now restart at the beginning of the quest, with no points. Repeat.
Soul Games Cycle
1. Begin Quest
2. Kill masses
3. Get confident
4. Too confident, dead
5. Lose all souls
6. Retrieve all souls
7. Die twice
8. All souls are nulled
9. ???????
10. Profit!!
NPC's
Silent Protagonist: You.
Maiden in Black: A horny succubus who will make you feel like a man, but only if you have the right number of souls.
Unkown soldier by the Nexus portal: Pessimist negative-Nancy with absolutely no motivation and will to live other his clear erection for the Maiden in Black. She's a high class succubus though, and doesn't deal with no measly 2000 souls.
Stockpile Thomas: Is fucking handy because apparently your invisible backpack will only fit an entire cubic meter. He takes care of your shit and YU 'AVE A HART OF GOULD, DON LEDDEM TEK IT FROM YA
Blacksmiths Ed & Boldwin: Two old misfit twin brother blacksmiths who decided to live in different dimensions due to the fact that they couldn't stand each others accents. They are useful if you want powerful gear.
Ostrava Of Boletaria: Is actually the son of the faggot King Allant that started all this shit in the first place. He an heros and becomes a black phatom towards the end of the game. Will be the first NPC you meet within an archstone dimension. He's your stereotypical hero, with a old english/medieval accent, and over 9000 megabytes of compliments for you, his dear hero, for saving him - thrice. Kill him to get the keys that unlock the mausoleum - an optional area where you fight Old King Doran for the powerful dildo; The Soul Brandt.
Sage Freke: Pronounced FRAKE, you heathen miracle-using pissant! He's an extremely useful NPC due to the fact that he sells majick spells and that the developers have never heard of balanced PVP or PVE.
Saint Urbain: You will find him in a pit, and despite the fact that he can use God's Wrath, you will have to fight a black phantom in order to free both you and him from said pit. Miracles are so-so.
Patches the Hyena: He is your best friend and ally in this game, treat him well.
Yurt The Silent Chief: The only NPC more trustworthy than Patches the Hyena.
Yuria, The Witch: The reason why PVP died as quick as it did, and rightfully so. Access to her gives you the possibility to buy the most ludicrous powerful and unbalanced spell in the game: Firestorm.
The Monumental An Azn boy statue thing wearing a muslim hat. Acts as a narrator of the aforementioned generic storyline. Apparently it is one of the reasons that caused the Old One's boner to be aroused; it was to punish those who used and abused the soul arts, namely King Allant.
The Online Servers
Ever since the game launched, the publishers have wanted to close down the game servers to stop the bleeding from their wallets, causing the collective fanbase to constantly BAAAWWWWWWWW. After the incessant moaning and crying of fanbois, Atlus has decided to keep the servers on life support until October '11 indefinitely. Once again cancer emerges victorious.
Each continent Europe and The US have their own servers which means that you won't be able to play with anyone besides the three people who bought this game in your country. Once again proving that this game was created by assburgers retards trolls of godly descent. there was never a friend matching system or voice chat added. All you can do is leave predetermined messages on the ground about ten feet away from traps or cliff edges to warn others. Touching a fallen soldier's shitstain will show you a brief animation of how they were buttfucked to death.
Fanbase
The only reason this game is popular is because of its difficulty, amiright? The fanbase of Demonsouls is made up of children constantly screaming how fucking hardcore they are, and how many NG they've gone though. It's an everyone thinks their superior to everyone else situation, no one wins. It's a never ending cycle of faggotry. It does however generate a few lulz now and then to the third party viewers of their blabbering rage. Thank god for teenagers with attention and general social issues.
Be warned that any criticism of this piece of shit RPG copypasta will immediately induce a shitstorm of nerd rage on any game forum. Many "hardcore" 13 year old boys think that playing the same level ad infintitum, until their eyes melt, makes them superior to normal people who don't see the point.
How to troll in Demon´s Souls
1. Trolling meleefags is easy. Put your shield up and spam spear attacks. For extra lulz use Scraping Spear to destroy armor and make them use Over 9000 souls to repair them.
2. Trolling mage fags. Spam cloud spells and then hide. Causes EPIC lulz and RAGE. You will get message(s) complaining about how thats unfair style to fight.
3. Ultimate trolling. Use Soulsucker (requires skills to use) which makes other player lose the souls he used to get level up. Repeatedly cast so the other player cant get up to maximize the lulz and RAGE
See also
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