Elden Ring

The title screen of the game

Currently Unfinished Article, will finish soon.

Elden Ring (a.k.a. Dark Souls 2-2: Electric Boogaloo) is the latest in the saga of From Software's Dark Souls series, a shitty action RPG that is primarily known for being as crack rocks and lore so obtuse you have entire channels dedicated to explaining the lore. Like its predecessors, Elden Ring is an extremely unfair game, with all the tropes from the previous games, like enemy spam, cheap deaths, and camera fuckery. Unlike its predecessors however, the bosses this time decided to stop having windows to permit counterattacking, having combos that never end whilst they stick to the player like cum on a nendoroid, and massive attacks that cover the entire arena, leaving little to no room to dodge the attack, which they will continue to spam until the player is inevitably shown large, red text stating "YOU DIED".

Additionally, unlike it's predecessors, Elden Ring is "open world" and allows players to go around raging at multiple bosses before finally deciding to smash their console and go outside to get a fucking life. There's also the addition of Spirit Ashes, which are ghosts one can summon to lessen the pain of getting your teeth kicked into your asshole, however due to their shit AI and poor stats, they serve as a distraction if anything else. Spirit Ashes have caused great deals of gamer rage and lulz across the community, since they can sometimes trivialize bosses, and can therefore make the game ez.

For some inexplicable reason, Elden Ring managed to become the most sold FromSoftware game ever, clocking in at over 20 Million sales.

Gameplay

Much like Dark Souls, the gameplay loop is simple in concept, but due to being made by TEH JAPS, was made unnecessarily convoluted. Normally in these games you'd just smack around everything with your toothpick of a weapon until the enemy dropped dead, but this time that's not gonna work, as due to the aforementioned point of bosses never stopping to rest, you'll need to approach the game differently, like cheesing bosses, and slapping the bosses ass. If one is a casual, they can also spam magic and "incantations" to avoid all the bullshit the game has to offer. Additionally, a new mechanic called Ashes of War were introduced to permit you to add various special abilities to your weapons.

Due to the nature of the game being open world, you now have Fast Travel by default, and have the ability to summon Torrent, a horse goat thing that was blessed with the ability to double jump and fuck with fall damage, causing you to die inexplicably. Torrent was likely named Torrent to prevent noob pirates from getting the game for free. They also added a Stake of Marika mechanic, where certain locations allow you to respawn at the small statue that are often located next to the boss fogwall, rather than the Site of Grace.

Unlike the goal of becoming a living torch of the previous games, your goal in this game is to go mend the Elden Ring and become the Elden Lord, but there are even more options one can do this time. While the game is open world, there's several linear dungeons throughout the game to explore, which are more reminiscent of the older games. There's also more prominent stealth mechanics, since you can now crouch down and rape enemies from behind if you sneak up on them, ala alleyway style.

Finally, you can craft items by collecting a crafting kit, which allows you to utilize several, often shit consumables, and by proxy, is the reason why most people don't craft items.

Starting Classes

There's a total of 10 starting classes to choose from, but for most of them, don't really change anything in the long run, due to how you can level up all stats to an equal level. Additionally, one has starting gifts to choose from, which also don't usually matter, since almost all of them are acquirable later on. There isn't exactly an objectively best class or starting gift anymore.

Each stat is associated with a certain trait, such as Health, Stamina, Magic Points, etc...

Vigor: Affects your health stats, also cushions the blow when you fail to dodge

Mind: Affects your magic point stats, used in tandem with intelligence

Endurance: Affects how long you can run for, how many dodges you can spam, and how much you can wield

Strength: Affects strength scaling weapons, and allows you to bypass strength gatekeeping

Dexterity: Affects dexterity scaling weapons and casting speed, don't tell anyone you leveled it up, otherwise you're a weeb

Intelligence: Something most are lacking, allows you to cast magic and shit

Faith: Demonstrates how fanatical you are, permitting you to use God's powers

Arcane: Wack ass stat that affects your luck and how quickly you can build statuses

Class	Image	Stats	Description
Warrior		Base Level: 8, Vigor: 11, Mind: 12, Endurance: 11, Strength: 10, Dexterity: 16, Intelligence: 10, Faith: 8, Arcane: 9	Has the highest dex, wielding duel scimitars. Usually overlooked for more weeby options.
Bandit		Base Level: 5, Vigor: 10, Mind: 11, Endurance: 10, Strength: 9, Dexterity: 13, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 8, Arcane: 14	The emo fgt class. Unlike the previous games, no longer starts with the best gift in the game, but in exchange gets a bow.
Confessor		Base Level: 10, Vigor: 10, Mind: 13, Endurance: 10, Strength: 12, Dexterity: 12, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 14, Arcane: 9	The other emo fgt class. For the edgier sort of folk and the stealth players.
Vagabond		Base Level: 9, Vigor: 15, Mind: 10, Endurance: 11, Strength: 14, Dexterity: 13, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 9, Arcane: 7	The Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit.
Wretch		Base Level: 1, Vigor: 10, Mind: 10, Endurance: 10, Strength: 10, Dexterity: 10, Intelligence: 10, Faith: 10, Arcane: 10	The best class in the game. You start off nekkid and get a tactical wooden club.
Prophet		Base Level: 7, Vigor: 10, Mind: 14, Endurance: 8, Strength: 11, Dexterity: 10, Intelligence: 7, Faith: 16, Arcane: 10	Orderfags #1 starting class. For pussies who like to heal with incantations and throw fireballs at people.
Samurai		Base Level: 9, Vigor: 12, Mind: 11, Endurance: 13, Strength: 12, Dexterity: 15, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 8, Arcane: 9	For all the Wapanese players out there. Has a katana that bleeds things, making it a solid choice, since Bleed is overpowered.
Prisoner		Base Level: 9, Vigor: 11, Mind: 12, Endurance: 11, Strength: 11, Dexterity: 14, Intelligence: 14, Faith: 6, Arcane: 9	Class with a fuck ugly helmet, and can't specialize into any niche, making him bad.
Astrologer		Base Level: 6, Vigor: 9, Mind: 15, Endurance: 9, Strength: 8, Dexterity: 12, Intelligence: 16, Faith: 7, Arcane: 9	Second gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is completely useless HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, as magic in this game is also ridiculously overpowered and can be used to kill most things with impunity.
Hero		Base Level: 7, Vigor: 14, Mind: 9, Endurance: 12, Strength: 16, Dexterity: 9, Intelligence: 7, Faith: 8, Arcane: 11	The strength focused class, useful if you wanna level everyone down to your intellect.

Additionally, this game has a character creator, permitting you to create some lovely creations:

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  Unfunny Modern Meme
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  Kratos, from a better game
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  The nigger who's best known for saying profanities, now in German
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  Another Unfunny Modern Meme
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  Rick, from a worse tv show

Weapons

To double down on the clusterfuck of weapons that existed in Dark Souls, Hirohito Miyazaki decided to add a whopping 308 weapons to this game, making it so you'll basically never run out of options to utilize (granted most are shit). As an improvement to the original trio, the cool looking weapons have actually become useful.

List of every weapon in the game

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List of widely accepted GOOD weapons

• Eleonora's Poleblade
• Icerind Hatchet
• Vyke's Warspear (Madness in a nutshell)
• Mohgs Area Denial 101 Spear
• Nagakiba (A blade so long you'd think this was Final Fantasy)
• Lusat's Glintstone Staff
• Star Fists
• Bandit Curved Sword (The only good curved sword)

List of shitty weapons

• Rivers of Blood
• Almost all bows
• Almost all whips
• Almost all curved swords
• Every other weapon

Magic

Magic is among the most overpowered thing you can utilize in this game, alongside breaking the games terrain and hurling your PS5 through the wall. Like Dark Souls, it's used for people who want to wipe your poor ass of the face of the earth in PvP, and for nuking sick fucks like Mohg, who we'll get onto later. Magic is primarily split into two categories, Sorcery, and Incantations. They decided to just lump pyromancies into Incantations, thereby removing it of whatever coolness it had.

Sorcery

This category of magic took the "plain old magic" from the previous games, and made it significantly more anime, with big showstopper spells like Comet Azur (the most overrated thing in this game), Zamor's Ice Storm, Astel's Meteorite, etc... It also includes less showstopper but more practical spells like Glintstone Pebble, Glintstone Pebble but bigger, and Glintstone Pebble but black. It's mainly used by the uppity scholars in Raya Lucaria Academy, although unlike Dark Souls, it no longer has the overpowered mess that was Dark Bead, but in place it has Night Comet[1]. Naturally, it being overpowered allows you to one shot people in PvP, which makes people think you're hacking. To complement this, continue to do so until they rage quit or leave a long winded reply on how they're trying to have fun and you're ruining it for them, whilst you bask in your sultry ways.

Incantations

The orderfags form of magic, has a bit more variety than the last time, since Pyromancy was lumped in with this one. Better balanced for PvP due to their generally lower range and power. It also allows you to do things like turn your head into a dragon and spew aids everywhere, make the endgame a joke, throw rocks, become what Gywn always wanted, snipe people from half a mile away, and other stuff that's useless.

How to play teh game

1. Choose your class
2. Get told you have no bitches
3. Fuck around the entire map for two hours whilst getting healing and weapon upgrades
4. Grab the dectus medallion halves
5. Grab a bow and a shit load of arrows
6. Head to aidsland and cheese a bird to get your stick
7. Invest in vigor and some weapon levels
8. Witness as your low level character decimates other players with impunity
9. Become an hero

How You Will Probably Actually Play The Game

1. Die trying to fight the tutorial boss
2. Get lost trying to explore the first area, Tree Sentinel raped
3. Try to explore the lake, Dragon raped
4. Head upwards, Margit tells you to fuck off
5. Explore more of Limgrave, Bear raped
6. Somehow manage to beat Margit, take the main gate, arrow raped
7. Waltz your way into Godrick, rape him
8. Get lost, raped by something
9. Hurl console through the floor, kill yourself

Story

George R. R. Martin was involved in the creation of this games story, which is why the game is less dark fantasy and more "generic fantasy". It's also why the game's lore is even more convoluted than usual.

Some bitch named Queen Marika smashed the fuck out of something called the "Elden Ring" that shat out magical golden rays called "grace". You play as a Tarnished, a complete fucking loser who's been cast aside by the grace, and are tasked with restoring the Elden Ring in order to become Marika's new boy (or girl) toy and claim the title of "Elden Lord".

Characters

Character	Image	Description
Melina		The spectral whore/aspiring arsonist who you meet at the start of the game, and gives you your horse thing. She's also the person who gives you the ability to level up, and will either become an hero and burn down the Erdtree, or hunt you down if you decide to become the Frenzied Lord.
Queen Marika/Radagon of the Golden Order		The hermaphrodite God with bipolar disorder and Narcissistic personality disorder who kickstarted the events of the game by shattering the Elden Ring, then promptly attempted to repair it. Also cheated on their own husband with themselves, as a demonstration of their narcissism.
Godfrey, First Elden Lord/Hoarah Loux		Marika's cuck ex-husband whom she left for Radagon (who is actually herself, making this a MEGA ULTRA CUCK). He was the first to be told to GTFO by grace and became the first Tarnished, after which he joined a group of tribal warriors and became Hoarah Loux, Warrior.
Godrick the Grafted		Godfrey and Marika's NEET incel son who is addicted to plastic surgery. He murders Tarnished and attaches their limbs onto his own body because he's a sick fuck.
Rennala: Carian Queen of the Full Moon		Radagon's ex-wife whom he left to go fuck Marika. Much like Godfrey, Rennala is a super cuck who is now reduced to a hapless incel who tends to her amber egg.
Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy		Rennala and Radagon's grossest child and a giant mass of snekky tentacles. He wants to devour the very Gods and would very much enjoy devouring them together with you.
Starscourge Radahn		One of Rennala and Radagon's sons and a huge motherfucker who rides a scrawny-ass horse and dual-wields great swords. He has a crush on his mother's ex-husband.
Ranni the Witch		Supposedly the daughter of Rennala and Radagon, but is actually one of Marika/Radagon's unholy selfcest spawn. She stole the Rune of Death, was responsible for Godwyn dying, and turned into a doll for reasons, and is also responsible for making Rennala not a complete pushover.
Malenia, Blade of Miquella/Malenia, Goddess of Rot		A ginger bitch with a nasty case of Scarlet Rot. She's Miquella's twin sister and you get to see her nekkid. Unfortunately she has no tits and her nipples have fallen off. She's also Malenia, Blade of Miquella, and she's never known defeat.
The Two Fingers		Literally two, giant, hairy fingers that just sit in a room next to some old psychic hag who claims to understand them. They serve as the primary antagonist of the game, despite the fact you cannot fight them.
The Three Fingers		Literally three, giant, flaming fingers that will embrace your fully nude body and grant you the power of the Frenzied Flame. Basically the Two Fingers but chaotic evil instead of lawful evil.

Gallery

Gallery of the All Knowing About missing Pics

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  Seems like she's enjoying it

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See Also

• Dark Souls
• Skyrim
• Game of Thrones
• Bloodborne
• Overrated

Elden Ring is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

	Elden Ring is part of a series on Souls Series [BonfireBoss fight] Core series Demon's Souls ♰ Dark Souls ♰ Dark Souls 2 ♰ Dark Souls 3 Spin-offs Bloodborne