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Toronto: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 01:40, 17 July 2013
Toronto, the self-rightous capital of beaverton, (also known as SARS city, Won ton, and as the locals like to say "Ta'ranna") is a tourist trap in Onterrible, Canada full of every race except for Canadians. The city is situated on a reserve of Apples and is known for its leftards, it's multiculturalism, it's Rob Ford and being the largest redneck village in the 51st 52nd state of America right after Israel. Despite every single person being Liberal, they elected a fat fuck as their mayor.
The city has the largest fagfest in the world. It is so huge, it beats San Francisco! This mainly takes place at Jarvis, Wellesly and Church street. The homosexuality here even makes the church look bad.
It also has the dubious honor of being home to lolcow Rootbrian, who despite being 28-years-old, still lives at home with his mom and has been unemployed for a decade. He also lacks a dental plan.
Transportation
In the 1950s, Toronto finally realized it was at least 100 years behind every other city in the world due to their lack of subways. In conclusion, they built a subway that legitimately goes nowhere. To fix this problem, they decided to build highways such as the Gardener Expresso-Drinking Driveway and the Don Valley Parkway Parking-lot that leaves a huge gap in the part of the city where people actually need to go. Once they elected their fat mayor, Rob Ford wanted to spend all the cities money on building more subways that lead nowhere. The City Council, however, thought that this was Liberal and that they should spend half the cities money on getting rid of bedbugs in homeless shelters and the other half on building a half-bus half-streetcar thing that causes tons of traffic. As if this idea wasn't stupid enough, the 'LRT' goes in the middle of the fucking road! Now people have to run in front of traffic to catch a bus.
Toronto has 3 airports. One of them is International and is named after one of the worst prime ministers of all time, one flies nowhere and one is a test airport where they probably kidnap Americunts and torture them by reading about beavers.
Multiculturalism
Toronto is known for its extremely high amount of Arabs, Indians, Muslims, Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, Vietnamese, AZNs and anyone else who is not native to Canædia. Because of this highly unnatural occurrence, it is legal to hunt anyone who appears Asian or Indian. Due to the high amount of Liberals in Toronto, the city has more Jews than Jew York. Haha! Just kidding! The Jews are mixed in with the Italians (and Filipinos) at Bathurst Street in order to maintain their cover as they both have huge noses that stretch from A to Z L on the keyboard.. The best way to piss them off is to point out their obvious black hat and white stockings. (Even on men!)
Attractions
The CN Tower
A glorified radio antennae that was the tallest building in the world for approximately three days. At night the CN Tower is lit up with garishly hideous purple and red lighting, giving it the very credible appearance of a giant glowing dog's cock with a big knot at the top jutting proudly into the Canadian sky.
Tourists pay money to haul their fat asses to the top of the CN Tower, where most of them promptly vomit after suffering vertigo attacks from looking out the windows.
Also at the top of the tower is the “360 Restaurant”, an expensive revolving fine dining establishment where tourists promptly vomit expensive fine food after suffering further vertigo attacks as the outdoor view spins and spins and spins and BLEEARGGH.
The Caribana Parade
A yearly festival held by people of color. Traditions of Caribana include: dancing, drinking, singing, shouting, more drinking, taking drugs, screaming, even more drinking, and stabbing. Lots of stabbing. The festival should really be called “Stabibana”.
Other Caribana attractions include food stands offering a wide variety of dishes from Jamaica, Trinidad, and Cuba that only dusky people are capable of digesting. (This author once made the grievous mistake of eating a “Jamaican patty” at Caribana; I was inflicted with uncontrollable rectal blasts of watery diarrhoea so intense that I almost died while on the toilet bowl, a death known as “Pulling An Elvis”).
Theatrical displays are also a part of the parade; many rhythmic Negresses wear sequin-encrusted dresses with huge, fake sequin-encrusted peacock tails while dancing and “poppin' that boo-TEH.”
On Saturday a huge masquerade is held in which many attendees wear masks. Festival-goers of dark complexion love the Caribana outdoor masquerade, as it allows them to stab people indiscriminately behind the anonymity of sequin-encrusted masks.
Kensington Market
Formerly the dirty hippie haven of Toronto, it has progressed to the jerkoff hipster haven of the city. While Kensington Market is made up of only a few blocks, there are 2,783 over-priced “vintage” clothing stores to be found within it.
The Market has a public park, perfect for drug dealers to sell lousy weed at laughably exorbitant prices to clueless tourists. There is a kid's pool active during the summer, which draws a healthy amount of paedophiles who go to the park and “read” books while occasionally looking up to take in quick glances of wet, swim-suited prepubescent flesh. Sweet, sweet, prepubescent flesh.
Also within Kensington Market's park is a statue of Al Waxman, the only Canadian actor ever to become famous.
All of the coffee shops in Kensington Market suck beyond belief and are staffed by pretentious, self-entitled hipsters who are invariably rude to their customers. Selling hideous price-inflated “organic” coffee to tourists stoned on crappy weed bought at the park is their primary source of income.
On some Sundays the streets of Kensington Market are closed off to car traffic for various events. This hasn't stopped the occasional confused Asian driver from nearby Chinatown speeding through the Market in their Honda Accord, providing the service of taking the life of a hipster or two.
The CNE
An annual exhibition of attractions and rides that has grown progressively worse each year. The amusement rides have a safety code around the level of “duct tape”, but that doesn't stop tourists (stoned on cheap weed) paying insane prices for the chance to be flung into the air when their ride invariably breaks apart. There are many food stands at the CNE, each serving dirty ethnic food crammed with hummus, tabouli, and other unpronounceable disgusting ingredients that have the sweet tanginess of e.coli bacteria. There is also a large animal exhibit composed of diseased cows, finger-biting goats, and huge mother pig sows suckling their young. PROTIP: Young piglets are easy to “shoplift” for free, delicious bacon!
Chinatown
Toronto has quite a few areas infested with Asians, but the main Chinatown is near Kensington Market. It is a culturally fascinating downtown piece of Toronto where countless Chinese people sell the strangest shit on the planet while screaming at each other in their weird “wing wong fing fong” language. If your ethnic background is any other culture than Asian, be aware that many shop owners will try to subtly kill you as you peruse the goods of Toronto's Chinatown. From tiny folded bamboo shoots hidden in the “authentic” Chinese food you eat that spring open inside your stomach, to children's toys coated with chromosome-damaging lead paint they sell to tourist's kids, know that your life is cheap in Chinatown.
Toronto's Beaches
Usually closed during the summer due to pollution. When the beaches are open, thousands of homosexual men from Church Street flood the dunes with their fag semen from repeated outdoor sexual encounters. And then the beaches have to be fenced off again in the real world's only instance of a pool being closed due to AIDS.
Church Street
If you're “a friend of Dorothy's”, know that Toronto's Church street is a, if not the, Gay Mecca. Bursting at the seams with homo-men and lesbians, the so-called “fabulous” gay bars and bathhouses play host to Godless sexual acts that offend the Baby Jesus and make Him cry. Said gay proclivities include backroom rimjobs, lube-less sodomy, felching, glory hole blowjobs, and “The Blue Plate Special”.
The Eaton Center
Toronto's largest shopping mall in the middle of downtown. It has three floors: the first and lowest has stores frequented by poor people, the middle floor attracts middle-classed shoppers, and the top floor is made of stores selling items such as jewelry and fur coats that only rich people can afford. Also on the top third floor are many white security guards, hired to guard the shiny bling against thieving opportunists. If you're rich and want to buy yet another diamond ring for your fat Jewish wife, slum on over to the Eaton Center and press “3” on the elevator.
Gay Pride Parade
Welcome to the huge crawling biomass of homosexuality known as Toronto's annual summer Gay Pride Parade. A keen observer will note that every stereotypical type of gay person can be spotted in the parade as it goes down Yonge street - “bears”, “twinks”, “doms”, etc, etc, ad homo-nauseum.
Families with slim young boys should be extra careful while attending this mobile blast of pure gayness. Their sons will be abducted by men wearing leather masks and taken back to a pink-frilled parade float to be publicly sodomized over and over again in celebration of gay rights.
PROTIP: If you drop your wallet while watching the Gay Pride parade, kick it all the way over to Chinatown on Spadina Street before picking it up. The Chinese only want to kill you, not butt-fuck you.
SNOW!!! CALL THE ARMY!!!
Some time last Thursday, another dumbfuck mayor of theirs named Mel Lastman called in the Military of Canada to clear snow. Because of this, every other city in Canada makes fun of Toronto. Realistically, they should be thanking them because Toronto has proven that the Canadian Military is useful for something.
G20 Summit
Toronto had a huge riot during the G20 summit by leftards who hate everything with money. There were two types of protesters: The peaceful protesters and the violent protesters. The peaceful protesters were the dumbest because they brought their kids to the protests because they thought it would be a nice educational day for them. As it turns out, many of them were killed by violent protesters. It was a lulzy time for the city
No blowing bubbles!
During the protests, one protester was arrested by The Party Van for blowing a bubble. I must say, if one could get a bomb inside a bubble, I would be impressed.
