Minimalism

This article needs a serious clean up Somebody should do something about it.

THIS ARTICLE ALL SUMMED UP IN 3 WORDS: FUCKIN' LIBERAL SLUDGE!

Poorly designed minimalism - note the space isn't big enough - you can STILL see the corners. Also the staircase- while unable to support the weight of a flea, it's just clutter to professional minimalists.

Ever been inside of a public building with a wide open space filled with pointless shit, and wondered who the fuck made such an awful-looking, bland room?

Well, the immediate answer is the Pro-Impressionism Holocaust - and it was designed by extremely triggered minimalists, who hate good, old-fashioned colors, objects, pleasant fragrant smells, natural backyard sounds, and they especially hate oil-painters, classic website design and proper shading as well.

Points given for those of you who asked the right question which is "who the fuck shelled out my tax dollars on this shit?" or "I'm funding this whhhhy?" because inside of a minimalist room made by a Deviantart feminazi with a severe case of Pink Guy Disease, you are bored. There's nothing interesting to look at, and if there is, you're still bored, because the feminazi cuck-tard who designed this shitty room went to a mainstream liberal arts college... where she was taught how to support The Jihad To Destroy Good Arts, flat design supremacy, and how to hop on mainstream art bandwagons.

Minimalist design is touted as the greatest tool against independent thought by every liberal website known to man (from Buzzfeed to YouTube) as a cure for art made by moral, christian, cisgender, white soulwinners whereby the fewer things which make up an object, preventing them from being broken by the aforementioned retard. It can also be employed on rich, brainless Californian oligarchs who will happily donate shitloads ($10000,000's!) of cash for worldwide tech corporations who are supremely aligned with the MinimalNazis, or generally pointless shit nobody else wants which has been marked up and sold to you because your cash is in your ass which is the first port of call for most dicks who sell pointless shit.

Equally batshit fucking insane, minimalist, flat, material and other degenerate designers are all profoundly mentally challenged freaks pushed to the edge of sanity every millisecond of their lives for obvious reasons - and somehow see fit to remove every fucking thing with priceless value from any room they happen to be 'designing'. For example, a 2010's minimalist jihadist will take a warm, cosy, good ol' classic 1940's home - and then remove every valuable, pretty thingy made by American craftsmen inside - including anything practical such as the non-flat-design staircase - citing their need to start with an ultra modern, insanity-inducing 'white box'. At around this point, said 'designer' is then asked what to put back into the room, things like solid-color flat logo canvases, square-shaped furniture, and tatami doors made by Japanese minimal-wage slaves - at which point a mental breakdown occurs, and they are sent back to their institution they were on day-release from after being heavily sedated.

Cue your Jimmy-Carter-induced-poverty-wages bill, which by now will be at least $50k, and pointless furniture which deserves to be shredded to billions of reckless bits by a huge car-crushing machine, or any practicality whatsoever - it's just sitting there taking up marginally-more-ugly space in your room.

But you probably deserve such an experience if you hadn't seen this coming a mile away - all minimalists look as though they are about to have a mental breakdown which can be plainly observed by capitalism-adoring Kentuckian scientists, by paying attention to their flat-design-supporting madness. Looking at a minimalist, you'll see a LOT of sensitive snowflake bullshit disguised as humility. Many minimalists are 'recovering' alcoholics, or ex-pedophiles going through Shaye Saint John's Wire Therapy, or retarded hippies who have come to realize that they talk complete bollocks - all trying to push out or cover up their true desires to murder you in a second like a lion in a cage at a zoo.

Effective trolling

There are many ways to troll minimalists - and every year, many stupid people fail-troll because they say what everybody else is thinking, instead of working on the obsessive nature of the minimalist.

To get the best results, try one of the following sentences at the press-launch of their design:

• "I can still see the corners in the room. If you don't give me back my antique lamps, I'll admit you to the nuthouse!"
• "It's WAY TOO too cluttered in here, the once-beautiful house is filled with HellyWood-Bullshit - isn't that table too much?"
• "If you don't like corners, why don't you start with a circle?"
• "Oops, I spilled my red wine all over the floor! Hey, this stain looks pretty nice! Next, I'm going to cover this whole house in ambient paint smudges and tye-dye portraits smuggled from Deviantart's website!"
• "I DON'T LIKE FLAT DESIGN! IT TURNED THE ART INDUSTRY FROM A TIMELESS, MEANINGFUL BUSINESS INTO FUCKIN' LIBERAL SLUDGE!"
• Any statement that notes any dirt in the design, or the potential for a user of the design to clutter it.
• If anybody already is cluttering the design by spilling food or drink, be sure to bring that up in the conversation. Watching them obsessively clean up after the other 20 or so people in the room is always amusing.
• Minimalists HATE circles unless they're solid flat logos for websites and documents, since most of them have been involved in a circle-jerk in a past life they are now repressing - so be sure to conceptualize circles and spinning at every given moment - mention how many RPM you get from your DVD player or hard disc drive. Points given for vomit.
• Grab that damn minimalist tartlet by her blouse and torture her by dunking her head in Kool-Aid, and then spilling it on the floor.
• FUCKIN' LIBERAL SLUDGE! Say this phrase three times fast every time you splash buckets of paint into you ugly-ass plain minimalist house!
• FUCKIN' LIBERAL SLUDGE! Say this 1 time for every ugly-as-shit minimalist object you destroy, and for every handmade or antique object you put in its place!

The results of trolling minimalists personify themselves as deeper anger in the minimalist - which manifests itself to the point where they will eventually boil over with rage, which is highly entertaining to watch, because one sentence triggers a whole chain of thought which inevitably boils over to the point where rage-quit occurs - at which point you need to be standing some distance away as said minimalist will lash out and stab anybody near to them - and this is what you aspire to when trolling them. Having them merely shouting is only half-way there.

Flogging minimalism

Wait... he isn't Japanese!

1. Go visit a mental home - pick out the most repressed specimen you can find.
2. Get them to focus on an object of their choice from their years of self-confinement - this is not only important for the 'designing process' but also to ensure they don't murder you, brick in your mouth while you're asleep, brick in your mouth while awake by insisting you eat porridge for every meal, etc. Crystal meth can be employed during the design phase.
3. Once they draw their 'creation' on the prison-issue toilet roll with their soy pencil, get it into production as quickly as possible - there is no time to think about anything, especially the placement of the object or what purpose it has in life.
4. Sell it.
5. Profit.
6. When sales start hitting the pan, get your snowflake to improve the product, typically by removing other parts from the design - which they will be more than happy to do.
7. Sell 2.0.
8. Repeat the last two steps over and over again.
9. When step 8 doesn't work, sell the air the product comes with, either claiming the design is in there somewhere, or by making out that you have discovered some sort of magical synergy meaning that you don't need the product itself anymore - because the witless idiots who purchased the design in the first place paid money for total crap to begin with, and don't tend to break this habit easily.
10. Repeat the all the above.

(Source: Apple business model)

Minimalist snowflakes

• John Houser
• James Eagan Holmes
• Jonathan Ive
• Adolf Hitler
• Justin Beiber - living proof you don't need musical knowledge to become a musician - and so goes the maxim: "what everybody needs, the minimalist leaves out".
• Low-cost airlines - "There are seats on the plane. COMFY ENOUGH FOR YOUUU?"
• Police officers who issue parking tickets
• Anybody else who takes everything away leaving everybody else with nothing, for no apparent reason.
• The entire state of California, especially LAX - after all, who needs people in an airport?

External links

• "Extreme Minimalism: Andrew Hyde and the 15-Item Lifestyle"

[Close them downOpen the records]

Minimalism is part of a series on Cults

Minimalism is a part of a series on Apple Inc.