iPad

Warning!
WANTING AN iPAD WILL CAUSE YOU TO
SELL YOUR KIDNEY ON THE BLACK MARKET.
SRSLY.

	“	It's the in-between between a laptop and a computer.	„
	—Some clueless douche, Completely misunderstanding the differences between tablets, notebooks, and PCs, as a proper Apple user should.

In what can only be described as the "Crystal Pepsi" of technology, the iPad (also known as the maxiPad, TamPod, or iPhone XL) is Apple's latest creation, designed so that neckbearded, trust funded art history majors can pay twice as much money for a product with half as many features as a competing product. In what is Steve Jobs' last attempt to give you AIDS and to appear relevant in the new decade, the iPad gives you the option of using your own WiFi, or having AT&T or Verizon come and rape you. Like the iPhone, it is just as gay, just as fragile, and just as white. Although the iPad does support tethering, it comes at such an exorbitant monthly charge that anyone who bought a WiFi only iPad hoping they could tether it to their iPhone will wish that they had just bought an iPad with both WiFi and 3G. Think of it as a giant vegetable (iPad) comparing areola size to an amputated incestuous retard cousin (iPod).

Clearly, there is a lack of originality in name choice. Sources say that the Creative Team spent around fifty minutes trying random combinations of letters after the letter "i", before some bright spark realized that they could easily replace the "o" in iPod. As a result, Apple has attempted to trademark the iPed and iPud in an attempt to deter the Chinese from bootlegging the iPad, but unfortunately, the chinks beat them to it.

Origins

In June 2009, Michael Arrington, a douchebag masquerading as a lawyer masquerading as a tech blogger, launched a prototype Linux-based tablet computer called the Crunchpad. Unfortunately, Arrington made the fatal mistake of posting pictures of it and information about it to his blog which in turn led his Singapore based hardware contractor, Chandra Rathakrishnan of Fusion Garage, to attempt to steal the design. Chandra Rathakrishnan and Fusion Garage attempted to launch their newly illicitly-obtained tablet under the new name "JooJoo," SRSLY!, but were promptly sued by Arrington who claimed that they had stolen his design. In their final betrayal of Arrington, Fusion Garage leaked the JooJoo's specs to Apple, who in turn copied the JooJoo's hardware design and launched the iPad (iPad hardware is a clone of the JooJoo/Crunchpad). Arrington is currently suing Rathakrishnan while Rathakrishnan is trying to get production started by having you chip in by "preordering." He accepts both your VISA and Mastercard.

Also known as Tablet/UMPC

Believe it or not, the iPad is merely a poor knockoff of Microsoft's Tablet/UMPC platform. This certainly indicates something about the iPad because Microsoft Tablets and Netbooks are pure liquid shit. Like everything else that is made my Microsoft, Windows tablets run hot, have about six minutes of battery life, and are manufactured by a bunch of Taiwanese corner-cutting Jews with drivers written by either 12-year-old script kiddies or trained monkeys. No one's really sure.

Rather than improve on the platform, Apple removed the QWERTY keyboard, USB ports, webcam, HDMI/VGA output, GPS, and 100GB+ of storage, and still managed to charge more than everyone else. Although typical Windows XP and Windows 7 netbooks restrict multitasking to only 3 apps, they still thrash the hard drive like an epileptic hummingbird on crack. On the other hand, the iPad restricts you to only one app (which must be approved and signed by the lord and master's root certificate. This, of course, is absolutely revolutionary and a stroke of genius on Apple's part.

iTampon

Just like regular pads, the iPad comes in three different sizes, depending on how heavy your flow is.

The very aptly named iPad comes from the fact, that even though you spent all your hipster welfare on this garbage, Apple will still do everything to bleed you dry.

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Data Plan

The latest way Apple, AT&T, and Verizon have combined forces to rape you is to provide you with a Data Plan, forcing you to pay $14.99/month for 250 MB and $29.99/month for 2GB tubes privileges, should you not be part of the 21st century or own a WiFi router. Essentially, you'll be using AT&T's or Verizon's 3G network without the ability to make phone calls.

Public Response

But can you get the stone in a staggering *three* varieties?

What was supposed to be a joyful day of circle jerking ending prematurely, as the Apple Fanboys did not like the iPad. It may have been because they realized their assholes were not big enough to have an iPad shoved up them or they realized that they don't have a vagina.

Upon hearing the news of Apple's new extra large iPhone, Apple shareholders collectively shit themselves.

Despite this, Steve Jobs told everyone that on April 3, 2010, that if they didn't show up and received the rape the Macfags so eagerly were asking for, he would send an Apple Expert bottom bitch to their house to skullfuck them in the eye sockets until their ears ejaculated brains.

The Macfags understood that it was wrong to disobey the master pimp, and sure enough many of them camped out near their local Apple Store to pay the bottom bitch their money to give to the master pimp in exchange for their iPad.

Things the iPad can't do

Much like Apple's other failures (iPhone, iPod, iMac), the iPad has the following features.

It can't be used to type documents because there it has no keyboard.
It can't play 99% of internet videos or animated graphics because Apple still won't allow its mobile devices to use Flash (this, however, doesn't stop them from false advertising).
It can't be used in any sunlight and the slightest bit that touches the screen will permanently ruin it (so much for being the "Kindle killer").
It doesn't support SD expandable memory, so you're stuck with it's 16GB storage unless you want to get reamed for an extra $100/200 for the 32 or 64GB models.
It can't be used to plug in any of your USB devices like your USB vibrating dildo.
It won't support Picasa and it probably won't support any other Google products because the Macfags are trying to start shit with Google.
It can't right click.
You can't change out the battery yourself. You have to pay Apple to do it for you.
It can't touch water, milk, blood, sweet, tears, piss, shit, cum, or any cleaning product like alcohol, ammonia, or soap.
It can't be tethered to your iPhone without shelling out a huge extra monthly fee to either Verizon or AT&T
It won't alleviate that PWNed feeling you'll have when its replacement comes out in four months, or when a better Droid clone comes out in six, or when you realize that most laptops do more for less money right now.
It won't let you share content.
It won't stop AT&T and Verizon from raping you each month.
It won't pay for the coffee at Starbucks you'll buy attempting to avoid AT&T or Verizon rape by using their free WiFi.
It doesn't support voice recording.
It won't cure Steve Jobs' AIDS.

Who will actually buy/use this crap

Macfags
Steve Jobs
President Obama
Former President George W. Bush
Everyone who works at a Technology magazine (though not by their own volition; it's just part of their job)
Your Mom
Black People
Jews except for Cory Doctorow [1] and anyone in Israel.
Hitler
Stephen Colbert [2][3]
Alex Jones
Chris-chan

Who would recommend this crap?

Tech reviewers employed by desperate old media venues who have a vested interest in its success because they have an agreement with Apple to flog "special editions".[4]

Buy an iPad, Lose a finger

In April 2010, shortly after the release of the original iPad, a Colorado resident named Bill Jordan had his newly purchased iPad stolen by some nigger, and lost his pinky finger in the process. Apparently Mr. Jordan had just exited the Apple Store, iPad in bag and bag in hand, when a nigger attacked him, grabbed the bag (which was wrapped around Mr. Jordan's finger), and ended up pulling off the victim's finger [5].

Goatse Security Breach

WWW.CFAADEFENSEFUND.COM Y'ALL

On June 9, 2010, AT&T admitted to a Gawker report that they accidentally 114,000 iPads including some owned by some major dignitaries and A-List people when a group called Goaste Security gained access to their email accounts. AT&T tried to downplay the severity of the problem.

What to do if you have an iPad

Show it off.
Post it on 4chan and troll /g/
Take out a mortgage to purchase text-RPG and fart apps, because that's what comes out first.
Smudge the screen up with your greasy cum fingers.
Be unable to enjoy gay hardcore CP because it doesn't have Flash.
Cry yourself to sleep in Apple Debt.
Get it stolen by a nigger and become an hero to impress your iFriends.
Take it to Israel and have it confiscated.
Break it and buy another, you fucktard.
Kill yourself...seriously.

Memory Alpha drama

Ever since the iPhone came out in 2007, people would occasionally go to the Memory Alpha (Star Trek) wiki and mention that the "PADD" fictional device from Star Trek is similar to an iPhone. For unknown reasons, this shattered the fantasy lives of the basement dwellers who ran the site. Unable to cope with this reality, they reverted all mention of it on site. After a digg article appeared, it led them to simply permanently remove any contributions related to it, falsely labeling them all as vandalism. Here is a link to the talk page logs alone, with them all deleted. This led to real vandalism from Digg users. Three years later, in 2010, when the iPad was released, many of these admins committed suicide, so no one remained alive to censor the article and mention crept in.

Apple pays $220, You pay $500

The materials to create the iPad will only cost $220 [6], giving the iPad a profit margin of over 50%. Although $500 is in fact more than 100% greater than $220, you the consumer will still get butt hurt. However like mobile phones and other gadgets 99.99999% of the cost of the product is paying for endorsements. This fits well with their motto, "Think Different," as the industry standard for profit margins after material prices is 15-20%.

Analysts suggest that this will leave room for price reductions, which Apple will no doubt do six months after the iPad's release with the iPad Mini, a version of the iPad with half the features costing Apple $80 per iPad that they will sell for the more affordable price of $399! Oh, and did you know it overheats like a bitch, leaving you with no other choice but to buy another iPad with no compensation?

iPad 2

On March 2nd, 2011, less than a year after the release of the original iPad, Steve Jobs announced the iPad 2, thereby prompting Macfags to throw out their old, obsolete first generation iPads and shell out another $500 dollars for the new and improved model.

iPad 2's New Features

The iPad 2 is 15% lighter and 33% thinner than the original iPad
Unlike the original iPad, the iPad 2 has the addition of two cameras, one in the front and one in the rear, allowing you to take grainy, terrible-quality photos and videos without having to whip out your phone. The cameras can also be used for FaceTime, which is Apple's shitty, WiFi-bound version of Skype.
The iPad 2 has a dual-core Apple A5 processor that Apple says is twice as fast and processes graphics over 9 times as fast as that of the original iPad.

iPad Accessories

About missing Pics

Maxi Pad iPad Case
Etch-a-Sketch iPad Cover
The ultimate hipster accessory.
*Patent Pending

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About missing Pics

"The Lord Jehovah has blessed me with this tablet and the one commandment: BUY MY SHIT!"
A prototype iPad: It's all been done before.
The real IPAD was released in 2002.
The Winner