Guitar: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 15:36, 20 August 2024

Wielding one of these gives you +6 Charisma and Gay. Visit these three guitar gods on tumblr.

The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented weeaboos and faggots pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. Nine times out of ten, they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. However, there is a myth that some people are are actually good; but most are just cheap 13 year old boys who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely no fucking musical knowledge.

What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly

Guitars

A young champ playing the guitar at home

Guitar (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)

The origin dates back to over 9000 years ago when untalented assholes who couldn't play any other stringed instruments and wanting to look like a douche and get laid with songs about giving girls cherries and apples, invented the lute, which is a pussy version of most stringed instruments.

Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, it's what your mom buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be created with artisan grade wood and shit. Every High School D-Bag with an accostic guitar can play Stairway to Heaven or Pink Foyd's Wish You Were Here

Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in modern music. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier azn made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their l33t skillz like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit.

Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows:

Ones who know what the fuck they are doing and have fingers that can reach down half the guitar neck
Ones who don't know what they fuck they are doing and can only remember their chords when looking at a finger key.

Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than your mom on a Saturday night. Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who think they're hot shit because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time.

Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing will always suck, no matter what.

Now, for some examples:

Now, that is a guitarist that knows what the fuck they are doing - his name is Stevie Ray Vaughn; He was a retarded coke addict from Texas and he was probably infinitely better than you will ever be.

One more example:

There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than you. John Mayer is a notorious IRL troll who used his mediocre voice and virtuosic guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many celebrity babes as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkward aspie who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is doing it right.

Final Example:

If you need to be told, this is Randy Rhoads, or better yet, the guy who taught Steve Vai.
He was one of the best, most people that pretend to play metal guitar like to think they're him. He made it IN for guitarists to know how to play classical music because he taught it at UCLA. He is one of the greats all guitarists are rated against and died way too soon.

Bass Guitar

Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist unless they're Geezer Butler. If you're not Geezer Butler no one will ever know who you are.

Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot

because playing Guitar Hero songs on real guitar is cool amiright?

How to Play the Guitar

DO

Learn to play the riff from Smoke on the Water. Keep repeating and you'll be the best.
Use as much distortion as you can. It will hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing.
Or you can start a band based on Norse Mythology and Face Painting, then kill other members of your band to prove that you have and evil level of over 9000. People will laugh at you, but it's better to be an unintentional comedian than an average nobody.

DON'T

Even think about Music Theory. No guitar god ever learned that shit because they knew it would turn them into classical fags. Learn YOUR OWN music theory!
Garner inspiration by smoking weed. Everyone knows the best ideas strike when you can't be bothered to do anything but lie on the couch all day.
Practice more than you feel like. Inspiration will come, be patient.

MEH

You can write songs about whatever you like: being a dickless redneck trying to score in the big city of your state, hating niggers, raep, bestiality, etc. Get out of the 60's, you have more chance to score playing a harp. Moron.

WHO WROTE THIS FAGGOTRY?

Learn a balanced repertoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', that's the ticket to getting laid.)
Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself.
Flaunt your so-called 'innovative guitar playing' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly, like everyone else.
Overtly use your guitar to get laid, with great power comes great responsibility - choose your sluts wisely.

Guitar virtuosity calculation formula

Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 - that's just good math!) if you can sing as well. Everyone knows it was singing as well as romantic conquests that made Cory Williamson such a good guitar player, otherwise it would be division by zero and that is not allowed.

Every guitar wanker's wet dream

Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
Play for teenaged girls
Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy! GEDDIT? WOOOOOOO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLOLLOLOFLOFLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLAMOMOOOOOOOLOLOOO \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/
????
PROFIT!

Reality

Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
Play for teenaged girls
Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy. W/E, was funny when I toured with KISS \m/
Why don't you have a seat over there?
Buttsecks

Guitar Faces

If you play guitar you must have, at all times, a guitar face. Here is an example of some 16 year old boy doing a metal face:

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
+[[File:Naked_guitar_gentlemen.jpg|center|thumb|500px|Wielding one of these gives you +6 Charisma and Gay. Visit these three guitar gods on [http://nakedguyswithguitars.tumblr.com/ tumblr]. ]]
+The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented [[weeaboos]] and [[you|faggots]] pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. [[statistic|Nine times out of ten]], they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. However, there is a myth that some people are [[bullshit|are actually good]]; but most are just cheap [[13 year old boys]] who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely [[doing it wrong|no fucking musical knowledge]].
-{{template:crap}}
+[[File:Vagina guitar.gif|thumb|Another usage of a guitar]]
+[[Image:Jmy3r.jpg|thumb|What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly]]
-[[Image:Bush-guitar.jpg|thumb|W steals some guy's guitar and plays a stirring rendition of Boot Scootin' Boogie.]]
-Loosely based off of the ''[[Guitar Hero|Guitar Hero]]'' controller, the '''guitar''' is, according to any [[13 year old boy|teenager]], the only musical instrument in the world. Everyone plays guitar. Everyone started playing guitar to get laid. ''Everyone''. And out of all the people who own guitars 10% of them actually know how to play it, and only 3% of that 10% know how to play it well. If you're not part of that 3% who utilize the humble guitar to gain the [[hookers and blow|finer things]] in life, then the page will teach you everything you need to know. The only thing that can kill a guitar is the recorder.
 ==Guitars==
 [[image:makingmusic.jpg|thumb|A young champ playing the guitar at home]]
 *'''Guitar''' (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)<br>
-Many states require that individuals learning to play the guitar must learn the main riffs to either "Sweet Home Alabama," "Sweet Child of Mine," ''Stairway to Heaven'' or ''Smells like Teen Spirit'', and play these and nothing else at every opportunity. If you're unsure of what the law is in your area, many music police will allow you the minimum knowledge of "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. If you suck so bad that you can't play that, even Jawsus and Michael Jackson wouldn't suck that tiny cock of yours.
+The origin dates back to [[over 9000]] years ago when untalented assholes who couldn't play any other stringed instruments and wanting to look like a [[douche]] and get laid with songs about giving girls cherries and apples, invented the lute, which is a [[pussy]] version of most stringed instruments.
+Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, it's what [[your mom]] buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be [[bullshit|created with artisan grade wood and shit]].  Every [[School|High School]] D-Bag with an accostic guitar can play [[Randy Robert Stair|Stairway to Heaven]] or [[Pink Foyd]]'s ''Wish You Were Here''
+Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in [[shit|modern music]]. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier [[azn]] made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their [[skillz|l33t skillz]] like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit.
+Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows:
+*''Ones who know what the fuck they are doing and have fingers that can reach down half the guitar neck''
+*''Ones who don't know what they fuck they are doing and can only remember their chords when looking at a finger key.''
+Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than [[your mom]] on a Saturday night.
+Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who [[USI|think they're hot shit]] because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time.
+Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing [[you|will always suck]], no matter what.
+Now, for some examples:
+<youtube>tWLw7nozO_U</youtube>
+Now, that is a guitarist that knows what the fuck they are doing - his name is Stevie Ray Vaughn;
+He was a retarded [[coke]] addict from Texas and he was probably infinitely better than [[you]] will ever be.
-Guitars can come in many forms, all of which fall into the categories of acoustic or electric. Acoustic guitars are used by [[mexican|mexicans]] and [[communist|hippies]] to create "folk music", which always consist of only the basic open chords, because these niggers never learn anything past the 3'rd fret. They are occasionally seen in the hands of [[redneck|rednecks]] singing songs about niggers bitchin' and the need to beat [[Your Mom|women]]. Folk music occurs when a guitarist becomes the vagina that he originally set out to penetrate.  Sadly enough, this loser will nail more women than ten black rapists, except with the girl's [[fail|consent]]. Just look at the Jonas Brothers for proof of this claim.
-Electric guitars are used by [[fag|fags]] and [[emo|emo's]], largely due to the ability for their sound to be amplified or modified because they need it to cover up for their lack of skill. With certain effects, the guitar can be made to [[Slipknot|sound like a garbage disposal]] or [[dragonforce|the Super Nintendo you threw out when you were nine.]].
+One more example:
+<youtube>C1-B5lhKc5M</youtube>
-<center><youtube>Ml_6d_kElcM</youtube></center>
+There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than [[you]].
-<center><big>'''What it sounds like'''</big></center><br>
+[[John Mayer]] is a notorious [[IRL troll]] who used his mediocre voice and [[meh|virtuosic]] guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many [[Katy Perry|celebrity babes]] as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkward [[aspie]] who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is [[winning|doing it right.]]
-*'''Bass Guitar'''<br>
-There are two types of people in the world: shit bass players and GOOD bass players. Many idiots think playing the root note in a rock band is all this thing can do. Unfortunately, this is because there are lot of shit bassists in the world. If you play bass guitar, you are required to know how to play "[[self esteem|Self Esteem]]" by The Offspring, "Spoonman" by Soundgarden,"Peace Sells" by Megadeth, "Schism" by Tool, and "Bombtrack" by [[Rape|Rage]] Against the Machine. But if you actually want to be good, try to learn something by Jaco Pastorius. He was a drunk retard who could still play bass better than [[you]].
-<youtube>yQHo_c-fbZw</youtube>
+Final Example:
-*'''The extended range bass'''<br>
+<center><youtube>J5wMqsHDrgo</youtube></center>
-Carved from pure [[win]] and strung with the tears of a thousand virgins.  [[Some argue]] that extended basses [[shit_no_one_cares_about|should be considered a different instrument]]. IRL it's a bass with A LOT of fucking strings.]
-==How to be a successful bassist==
+If you need to be told, this is Randy Rhoads, or better yet, the guy who taught Steve Vai.<br>
+He was one of the best, most people that pretend to play metal guitar like to think they're him.  He made it <b>IN</b> for guitarists to know how to play classical music because he taught it at UCLA.  He is one of the greats all guitarists are rated against and died way too soon.<br>
-* Accept that you are below everyone in the band (Including the guy who cleans up the piss and vomit at the end of your gig).
+*'''Bass Guitar'''<br>
-* Don't bother trying to learn to bass. Nobody gives a shit what notes you are playing anyway.
+[[fact|Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist unless they're Geezer Butler.  If you're not Geezer Butler no one will ever know who you are.]]
-* If your singer complains about the band playing out of time blame it on the drummer and get him fired instead.
-* Miss as many rehearsal sessions as you can, Instead smoke dope and masturbate, You will have a much better time.
+<center><youtube>K3paBhenhyI</youtube></center>
-* If you are the bassist for an indie pop band or any other faggot based genre, Shoot yourself and the rest of the band. Do the world a favour.]
 == Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot ==
@@ Line 38: / Line 55: @@
 == How to Play the Guitar ==
 === DO ===
-* Play songs about [[Prussian Blue|racial hatred]] and misogyny, it will make you feel like a rock star even without any money, or blow.
+* Learn to play the riff from Smoke on the Water. Keep repeating and you'll be the best.
-* Realize that you are crap at guitar. All [[unwarranted self-importance|song-writing]] will shortly disappear. People will hate you less.
+* Use as much distortion as you can. It will hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing.
-* Learn how to play power-chords and leave it at that. People don't want to hear complicated [[fail]].
+* Or you can [[Black Metal|start a band based on Norse Mythology and Face Painting, then kill other members of your band to prove that you have and evil level of over 9000]]. People will laugh at you, but it's better to be an unintentional comedian than an average nobody.
-* Play games of [[NO U]] with complaining neighbors. Even if you suck, you can still troll the fuck out of your enemies.
-* [[Black Metal|Start a band based on Norse Mythology and Face Painting, then kill other members of your band to prove that you have and evil level of over 9000]]
-* Arrange a benefit concert for the people at [[Uncyclopedia]] to have [[lulz]] injected into them, play the first 10 seconds of Smoke On the Water, then [[GTFO|leave]].
-* Play as fast as possible with no regard for tone or accuracy.  You'll totally impress everyone.
-* Learn the [[Elitist Musical Bastards|A minor pentatonic]] scale and use it for all your [[shit|awesome solos]], even if it's totally out of key and sounds [[retarded]].
 === DON'T ===
+* Even think about Music Theory. No guitar god ever learned that shit because they knew it would turn them into classical fags. Learn YOUR OWN music theory!
+* Garner inspiration by smoking weed. Everyone knows the best ideas strike when you can't be bothered to do anything but lie on the couch all day.
+* Practice more than you feel like. Inspiration will come, be patient.
-* Consider starting guitar now. It's too late. If you were not playing [[at least 100 years ago]] then you are 1 of too many.
+=== MEH ===
-* Ever put [[camwhore|videos]] of you and your guitar on [[internets|the interwebs]]. There is enough shit clogging up the tubes already.
+* You can write songs about whatever you like: being a dickless [[redneck]] trying to score in the big city of [[Alabama|your state]], hating niggers, raep, bestiality, etc. Get out of the 60's, you have more chance to score playing a [[Fag|harp]]. Moron.
-* Have any illusions that as a guitarist, you are not [[anti-lulz]].
-* Forget that [[Kurt Cobain|no one likes you]], since said is why you started guitar in the first place.
-==Actually Learning the Guitar==
-[[Image:Guitar scale.gif|thumb|Don't bother with this shit. ''[[Rock Band]]'' is way better.]]
-Beginners can learn all manner of guitar playing tricks and master rock god techniques by playing video games like "''[[Rock Band]]''" or "''[[Guitar Hero]]''"; both of which are responsible for stupid [[teenager|teenagers]] suddenly thinking they are musicians.  These people are actually talentless fucktards, but may just add an extra [[1d20]] to a fat, [[basement-dweller|basement dweller's]] chances of getting laid. People that start playing guitar because of a video game usually learn the first 10 seconds of every song and say they know every song.
+=== WHO WROTE THIS FAGGOTRY? ===
+* Learn a balanced repertoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', that's the ticket to getting [[rape|laid]].)
+* Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - [[Internet_tough_guy|go fuck yourself]].
+* Flaunt your so-called 'innovative guitar playing' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly, like everyone else.
+* Overtly use your guitar to get laid, with great power comes great responsibility - choose your [[animals|sluts]] wisely.
-[[lies|VERY]] easy guitar lesson by some awesome guy.
+=== Guitar virtuosity calculation formula ===
+[[File:Pedobear_HD.png|thumb|right|Pedobear's guitar skill = Pussies he had / 2]]
+Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 - that's just good math!) if you can sing as well. Everyone knows it was singing as well as romantic conquests that made Cory Williamson such a good guitar player, otherwise it would be division by zero and that is not allowed.
-<youtube>rIpkABVrdn8</youtube>
+=== Every guitar wanker's wet dream ===
-== Lifecycle of a Guitarist ==
+* Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
+* PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
+* Play for [[sluts|teenaged girls]]
+* Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy! GEDDIT? WOOOOOOO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLOLLOLOFLOFLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLAMOMOOOOOOOLOLOOO \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ [[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]][[File:Icon_playguitar.gif]]
+* [[????]]
+* [[PROFIT!]]
-* 16-year-old loser wonders why no [[girl]] would want to be with him then realizes that playing guitar will get [[jailbait]] sluts to suck his tiny penis.
+=== Reality ===
-* 16-year-old loser with long hair gets his mom to buy him a [[n00b|Fender Squier Stratocaster Starter Pack]].
+* Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
-* 16-year-old loser takes photos of himself holding the guitar and posts them on his [[MySpace]].
+* PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
-* 16-year-old loser attempts to play guitar, [[doing it wrong|neighbors complain]].
+* Play for [[sluts|teenaged girls]]
-* 16-year-old loser utilizes sites such as [[Ultimate Guitar]] and learns to suck slightly less. Teen ego goes into hyperdrive.
+* Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy. W/E, was funny when I toured with KISS \m/
-* 16-year-old loser starts a band, records really shitty songs with a camera phone, then puts them on MySpace.
+* Why don't you have a seat over there?
-* 16-year old loser realizes how amazingly shitty he is when he receives comments about his crappy guitar playing.
+* Buttsecks
-* 16-year old loser realizes even the dog can play guitar better than him.
-* 16-year-old loser's dad gets sick of it and smashes the guitar.
-* 16-year-old loser [[cutting|cuts himself]], runs away from home.
-* 17-year-old loser runs out of money for blow, promptly becomes [[an hero]]. Makes the world a better place to live in.
 ==Guitar Faces==
-If you play guitar you must have, at all times a guitar face.
+If you play guitar you must have, at all times, a guitar face.
 Here is an example of some [[13 year old boy|16 year old boy]] doing a [[heavy metal|metal]] face:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDhmFPdbtcs
+<youtube>lDhmFPdbtcs</youtube>
 == See Also ==
 *[[Music]]
 *[[Angst]]
+*[[Eddie Van Halen]]
+*[[MysteryGuitarMan]]
 *[[13 year old boys]]
 *[[Unwarranted self-importance]]
-*[[Young lord sheppard|Young Lord Sheppard]]
 *[[Unrealistic expectations]]
 *[[STFU]]
+*[[Tina S.]]
+*[[Yngwie Malmsteen]]
+*[[K-On!]]
+{{Life}}
 {{music}}
 [[Category: Music]]

Guitar: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 15:36, 20 August 2024

Contents

Guitars

Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot

How to Play the Guitar

DO

DON'T

MEH

WHO WROTE THIS FAGGOTRY?

Guitar virtuosity calculation formula

Every guitar wanker's wet dream

Reality

Guitar Faces

See Also

Navigation menu

Guitar: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 15:36, 20 August 2024

Guitars

Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot

How to Play the Guitar

DO

DON'T

MEH

WHO WROTE THIS FAGGOTRY?

Guitar virtuosity calculation formula

Every guitar wanker's wet dream

Reality

Guitar Faces

See Also

Navigation menu

Search