Alaska

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Why the US bought Alaska

Alaska is the Russia of the U.S. and home of criminally-insane ex-senator Ted Stevens and all around cunt Sarah Palin aka Nailin' Palin. Stevens even has an airport named after him there. A small, shitty airport. With tubes. The airport is several miles away from Dingleberry Road. And I'm not fucking you, take a left off Dingleberry Road and drive 8 miles to the airport. Alaska is known for being cold as shit even in the middle of Summer and also having weeks long periods of either 24 hour sunlight or none at all, no inbetween.

Politics

Secret indeed

Alaska is ruled by some kind of MILF baby factory/moose hunter who, on learning that she couldn't secede from the US and join the winning team decided to run for Vice-President of the US and A instead. Also she is noted for having an IQ on par to a floating hunk of whale shit and believing that Jesus potty trained the dinosaurs. HA HA NOT ANYMORE!

Alaska has the highest income tax and welfare combo in all of America! The citizens are paid $1,200 a year just to live in their vast uninhabitable wasteland they call a state. Interestingly, Alaska is the only state in the US to not be totally bankrupt.

During the Cold War, the US of Gay set up some missile defense stations to keep Russia on edge. Some of these missile silos are in secret locations.

Geography

Competitive internet pricing!

America's Bridge to Nowhere, Alaska is not only one of the few states (like Vermont or Texas) yearning to break apart from the Union yet receiving billions from it in Federal subsides - but also the only one of those states, that is actually separated geographically from actual America.

Canadians are pissed off at Alaska because they can't get their precious oil from it doesn't matter since Puerto Rico has a better chance of making a stand to Washington than homosexual Canada.

Boredom

A bear family enjoying shelter - brought to you by Conoco

Alaska was bought from the Russian Empire back on 1867 March, it was a Caturday. Russia wanted to get rid of it because it sucked and was filled with eaters of the flesh or Eskihoes as they called them, they wore onions on their belts because that was the style at the time. It was sold for 2 cents an acre and came to 7.2 million, back when American money was worth something besides dimebags, dominoes, and blowjobs. To be precise, it was rented and the lease after the final prolongation expired in 2006; however Russia have failed as even the third part of money was not paid.

Much to the Ruskie's chagrin, America discovered that thar be gold and oil. This turned it from a place that sucked to a place that sucked with good stuff inside once you penetrated it, kinda like your mom amirite?

This lead to a gold rush sometime last Thursday. Crimaliens and po' white trash from all over the US traveled north to toil away in crushing cold for gold they never got to spend. Kibbutzs sprang up all over the mines where tired, desperate min-ors would spend their meager pay on hyper Jew inflated goods, lodgings, and pussy.

The Moar You Know: Levi's jeans were also invented right around this time.

Jack London took a trip up there during the zerg rush, saw a bunch of crazy shit, and became the source of 75% of of your English clit homework from grades 6-8.

You also pay $69.99 a month for some super sweet 125KB/s internet.

Black People, Alaska, and You

It is a well known fact that there are no black people in Alaska. In part this is due to natural selection, as black people are adapted for hot to moderate environments. When exposed to the cold and harsh environments of which only whitey can survive in, black people literarly freeze into black icesculptures. Additionally, black people cannot get away from their crimes as they have difficulty using their running abilities in several feet of snow. Combining these two factors with the general lack of crack cocaine makes Alaska an utterly inhospitable place for black people.

Controversy

Bears love it!

Underneath the northernmost, utterly uninhabitable frozen tundra of the State's Arctic coast, lies treasure. To get that treasure humans build large tubes that transform it into freedom. Greenfags hate humans, and freedom, and are therefore opposed to drilling for more treasure under the frozen tundra. And - here's the saddest part - these fucking GAIAns are using inoccent bears as poster cubs. We must understand that bears and their cubs depend on treasure tubes as well and are natural born furries and therefore of the kind that deserve rights - like the right not to be used for anti-life propaganda by greenfags. Please create awareness of how Greenpeace is threatening baby bears.

Hatred of children is also commonplace in Alaska.

Alaska's finest

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