Tetris

Let's play some Tetris, motherfucker!

Tetris is a simple game developed by communists in which the player arranges blocks with the goal of scoring points. Unlike similar IRL games played by infants, it is absolutely pointless.

How to play

At least he has an excuse.

Spin the blocks to form horizontal lines, dumbass.

Also, in some of the newer versions, keep spinning the block forever so it will never touch down. Execute this maneuver effectively to spend your entire life playing this stupid game.

Tetris as a threat to your capitalist society

As you may or may not have noticed, Tetris is Russian. Furthermore, we all know that Russians are all actually communists trying to take over the world. Tetris was clearly part of the commie Russian plot to screw the minds of decadent westerners. In the game, the only way to move forward, is to form single rows. Which implies that everything has to be evenly distributed. AN OBVIOUS COMMUNISTIC BRAINWASHING TECHNIQUE.

Versions

Another Soviet Challenge, along with the Cuban Missle Crisis.

Tetris for Computer

The one that started it all. It was crapped out over a session of Twinkies and meth by Russian supernerd Alexei Pajitnov. Russia didn't recognize the Berne Copyright Convention at the time, so Kapitalist Korporations quickly seized upon its addictive quality, stole it and marketed it to dumbfucks as a kind of "brain game".

Tetris has been gangraped by more publishers on more systems than any game in history . Here are some of the more notable violations:

Ræp

Some things should remain innocent

Atari Tetris

Atari was the first Kapitalist Korporation to recognize the potential of stealing Tetris and stuck it in arcades all over the world. Atari Tetris was followed by Tetris for every 8-bit machine.

Tetris for Unix/X-Windows

A generation of CS 101 PhD candidates wasted enough energy on the Unix version to power Jew York City for at least a year.

Tetris for Nintendo Famicon

This was published by Nintendo and sucked balls. More interesting than the game itself was the drama IRL between Nintendo and Tengen, which determined who would get the chance to piss all over the stolen Tetris franchise. Tengen released their own version, but copies are rare and costs seventyleven kabillion dollars.

Tetris for Nintendo Game Boy

Not even Tetris can resist Rule 34.

Tetris for Game Boy was all that and a pack of smokes. It made Game Boy a household name on the level of shower curtain mildew and Magic Johnson's AIDS. However, it only sold a few copies worldwide.

Tetris for Playstation 1

Tetris came in 2 forms. One was a PLUS version by Jaleco that had you guide an Archaeologist and his waifu assistant to the exit of a room by clearing Tetris blocks, all the while avoiding the spiked roof that would slowly drop down on you. Included multiple different areas around the world to explore with some surprisingly kick-ass music and a classic mode. The other game was a NEXT version by Atari that allowed the crap above a cleared line to actually fall inside the empty space rather than hover above it like previous games. It also had a REALLY stupid gimmic of making the board spin around like fucking crazy if you got a lot of combos, affecting the other player if you were playing a 2 player game. Also came with some great music, although this time it's more techno-ish.

Tetris for Nintendo 64

The NEW Tetris, which is like all the other Tetris', except now you're using the cleared lines to build artifacts. Probably the most controversial Tetris of them all due to the developer being all edgy and shit and making a huge rant blogpost, then hiding it inside the game files.

	“	I must say, this was a fun time coming down to San Francisco to do The New Tetris. Allthough there were a few problems. First of all being our producer.. D*N, my god.. is this guy useless or what?? I don't hate you D*N.. but you SUCK, and I mean SUCK as a producer. You should go back to testing video games, but I doubt you could even manage that properly. I feel sorry for you. During this project you just sat around and played video games.. starcraft and everquest. Don't even deny that.. when you WERE working, it was making stupid Excel (tm) spreadsheets to try and tell me how many bugs I had left to fix on a graph.. like WTF is that??? who cares.. I have the bug list in front of me, like I need to see it in freaking technicolor. So D*N, I must say this.. hold onto, and fake your job while you can, because once they find out how truely useless you are, you will be out of a job. I cannot think of any skillset you would fit into in this industry, so you better hold on tight. (This guy thought I could save a name in 8.4 BITS.. like umm.. .4 BITS?? WTF is .4 BITS?? its either ON or OFF, not in between... anyhow, Enough about you though.	„

	“	To Nintendo.. It has been nice working with you.. Alot of you are great or were great. Tom 'Snoop Dog' Hertzog - you were great.. one of the nicest people I have ever met at Nintendo. You and your crews bug testing was outstanding and I commend you for the excellent work. Erich Waas - You know we have been friends a long time, but I must say this. After you had accepted the ART form for The New Tetris, and later on your higher ups said it was not UNISEX enough, you slapped the blame on H2O, Chris Bretz in particular. You did not have the balls to accept blame for your mistake, and stuck our entire team under IMMENSE stress and FRENZY. This to save your A$$ from getting in trouble at Nintendo. I still like you Erich, which is more than I can say for the rest of the team that you screwed because of this. But I guess your standing at Nintendo is more important than the friendships you had here. You always knew we had telent and you recognized that. I know you wanted to work with us again one day maybe outside of Nintendo, I think you screwed up those chances though.	„

	“	While I am screaming.. I might as well say this: Niel Voss.. your music is freaking KICK A$$.. you are one really damn talented boy. BUT, you are one of the laziest music guys I think there is :) You could go far if you wanted to, but you just lack the GO for it. It is a shame. I wish you all the luck and would reccomend you to ANYBODY just because even though everything is last minute, and like pulling teeth, the end result is AMAZING.	„

	“	I am leaving H2O after this project to work at 3DO. I hope this will be a good move for me. I love H2O, As amazingly disorganized of a company it is. I LOVE the people, I have so many good friends there. It will be hard to move on. Of course they will stay my friends. They were more than just co-workers.. they were FRIENDS. They were the people I lived with, spent my days and nights with.. went to bars with, camped with, drank with (alot), did other bad things with (wont elaborate :)). They are true great friends, and I love them all and will miss them dearly. Allthough Vancouver is only a 2 hour flight away, I hope I can visit often. My best friends would include. Ross, Max, Scott, Jake, Bretz, Roland, Johnny, Sarah.. these are the people I love the most. And I wish you success. My 4.5 years at H2O were basically, making games.. drinking alot, playing pool alot, going to bars and raves and dancing while really screwed up in the head. THAT HAS TO BE THE MOST FUN I HAVE EVER HAD, and probably ever will. The good old days. These guys are in Vancouver right now because I got stuck finishing this project in San Francisco (Which by all means I LOVE and am staying (hence 3DO))	„

	“	Well boys and girls, I just thought I would immortalize some thoughts I have at the moment into a rom which will be burned forever. This game sucks. The music is great but the game itself is not how we wanted it unfortunately. I mean, it is a good game, but some things could be polished, as well as sped up. Could use another month to finish this thing off AFTER all the bugs are fixed. oh well, woh is me.	„

	“	I would love to give special loves and kisses to the following. My Girlfriend Amy Bond, My Family (Joy, Allyson, Jon Pridie, Brant Sangster), My really really best old friends Selim Arikan, Cory Haberly, Jason Vasilash, Alfred Huger, Oliver Friedrichs. Goodbye H2O, it was a blast, and I mean that with all my heart.	„

	“	(C) 1999 July 1 David Pridie If you are reading this, you can obviously see this disclaimer. All this material belongs to David Pridie. If you find it and want to post it in ANY media format, you must get my permission or feel my wrath :). This text if it is ever read, is intended to be read by hackers whom have dumped the contents of this rom and viewed it. That is ALL it is for. And maybe some of them will remember me from the C64 and PC days, Martial Artist of PE/TDT/RAZOR 1911/INC/FLT/TRN/FBR, I was in them all.. and I made trainers and intros mostly. I thank that scene for teaching me how to program, because without it I don't think I would be where I am today.	„

	“	Well that does it 4.5 years and Two games later (Tetrisphere and New Tetris). Unfortunately I wont be working on Nomans Quest.. but oh well. HAPPY CANADA DAY.	„

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Tetris Attack

Once upon a time, Nintendo made a variant puzzle game that had no chance of selling on its own merits, so they crammed Yoshi into it and called it Tetris. Totally uncool, Nintendo. This became more obvious when they later re-released the game as Pokemon Puzzle League, crammed to the gills with Mudkips. Like the only good episode of the TV show, this game can cause multiple seizures.

Tetris the Grand Master

A screenshot of the unreleased Tetris Extreme.

The latest iterations at arcades, insanely fast to drive the serious gamer into serious road rage. Play at your own risk. The publishers had the gall to stop independent versions after all the royalty-free millions made off Tetris. If you have a DS, you might still be able to track one down.

GTFO

Tetris Hell

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Theme music

The theme music owns too. There is a video of some dude playing it on piano here

There is also a ska rendition by some niggers and a metal rendition by some effeminate and pasty metal musicians.

Human Tetris

Victims

Unfunny Russian meme.

Victim on Youtube

People whom Tetris plays

• jesuitx
• Russian Whores
• Your Mom
• You
• Nate Sanford

People who Play Tetris

• Current Czar of Russia
• Azns

Gallery

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  No exceptions!
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See also

• Pac man

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