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Ska
Ska was created in the late 60's, but only hit the college airwaves big-time after shit band Prince Buster did their take in Berkeley, California and shit band No Doubt did their take in Orange County, California. To accurately formulate your own personal ska band, simply remix any track of music from a modern-day punk band, but instead of adding whimsical sound effects or DJ-attributed wikki-wikkies, you integrate a sound sample of a brass instrument ensemble over the chorus lines.
Ska Fandom
On eljay, there are two ratings communities dedicated to frat-boy ska music and the later derivative, high school marching bands doing a 'ska' piece to celebrate diversity. 
hot_ska_kids caters to high school marching band members who think that covering themselves from head to toe in black and white checks makes them "rude" (which is roughly equal to "awesome" amongst ska fans), while howrudeareyou is for angry people who just hate the frat-boy and marching band versions of ska.
This divide is an accurate representation of the worldwide ska fandom as well. Generally, the high school marching band members like to preface random words with "ska-", like "skapplication" (application), "skapple" (apple), and "skarotum" (scrotum). They are obnoxiously cheerful and excited about their favorite bands, most of which are comprised of white people too ugly to be indie and too pussy to be punk. Meanwhile, the people who have some idea constantly deride the whole crock of shit as worthless and "not ska". Everywhere, these sensible folk usually work dead-end blue-collar jobs and are often indistinguishable from skinheads, but at least they have some taste in music.
Ska fans think riding a hairdryer is a cool part of being into ska, but won't actually ride one because Skafags are totally neurotic about maybe being called fags.
WARNING: Pre-fratboy/marching-band ska had much good music and at least 100% of its fans are massive stoners.
—A particularly passionate ska fan, on this article (TL;DR) | ||
Notable Ska Bands
The Skatalites
Niggers with funny accents playing 60's R&B to an upbeat rhythm. A clusterfuck of the likes Bob Marley, John Coltrane, and to a certain extent- the fags listed below.
The Aquabats
They dress up like superheroes, sing songs about made up supervillains, and used to include Travis Barker as an OMG AMZAING DRUMER!. Upon realizing that Travis Barker could have generated success, they quickly ditched his emo ass, along with the ska. The band is lead and promoted by Christian Jacobs, a dirty Mormon and children's television show host. They were recently planning on creating their own televised abomination.
Big D And The Kids Table
More wiggers, but this time combined with Boston pride asswipes. As can be expected, the members live in constant fear of both actual black people finding them and beating their asses AND lite brites. Our hearts would go out to them, but they suck dick at playing music. It's also worth noting that at their best, they're still only a shitty Skarmy Of Darkness ripoff.
Bomb the Music Industry!
This "collective" was made by some horrible singer from some god-forsaken ska band no one cares about that for some reason had to do with female dogs. It is a combination of possibly the two most fucking annoying things in the world - mindless yelling and ska. This group is not so much a band as it is a collective according to it's frontman Jeff Rosenstock, which is to say that BTMI! is so sucky that it doesn't even count as being a real band; more similar to a musical Voltron. (See: Worthless). Rosenstock is also dirt poor, which makes sense because he, oh I don't know, PUTS ALL OF HIS MUSIC UP ON HIS WEBSITE FOR FREE?!?!?!? It is thus assumed that Rosenstock would rather live in a box then actually get paid to write "music.", which no one would buy if it wasn't free anyway. The fanbase likes to call BTMI! "ska for smart people", which is like saying "beef for vegetarians".
Catch 22/Streetlight Manifesto/Tomas Motherfucking Kalnoky
Once upon a time, Tomas Kalnoky (a fucking Czech) made a shit punk band. After that failing, he decided to pollute the genre of ska with his unbelievable pretentiousness, in the form of a band called Catch 22, which ended up recording "Keasbey Nights", a song which created the template for every other fucking ska song to ever exist from then on. After beginning to get a fanbase, he did the reasonable thing that any of us would do when beginning to achieve respect, fucking quit. However Tomas's pretentiousness was beginning to bottle up without an outlet, and something had to be done. He made a shitty EP with his circlejerk pals, and noone cared. But Tomas had a better idea, and fucking quit again. Tomas's new band, Streetlight Manifesto, which wasn't even a ska band, but a faggy punk band with horns! They released a album that wet the panties of every 13 year old boy who knew what ska was. All of a sudden, forums exploded with screams of "STREETLIGHT >>>>> CATCH" and "TOMAS IS A VISIONARY". Once again, ska fans couldn't have been farther from the truth. Tomas just pushed out the same old shit from the same old ska formula, and gave new names to old terms. But the main reason Tomas was such a messiah in the eyes of these misguided cocksniffs was his enormous amount of pretentiousness. As his ego inflated, he realized what he had to do. COVER HIS ORIGINAL CATCH 22 ALBUM.
—You, reading that | ||
That's right, Tomas rerecorded the entire CD, with double the BAWW and double the pretentiousness. While other ska bands pretty much copied this album anyway, Kalnoky, being the genius that he is, went straight to the source and rerecorded it, song for song. He then released another new album, but people were fucking sick of him now, and he fades into obscurity.
However, he does have some whiny quotes about Catch 22 not giving a shit about him leaving.
—Streetlight Manifesto whinin' it up old school | ||
But Catch 22 had an equally emo retort.
—Catch 22, unable to beat him, and joining him | ||
All in all I'd say he's a huge pretentious faggot.
New Evidence that Tomas Kalnoky is a queer, excerpt from an article which outed him.
If there isn't already plenty of proof that Tomas is a fanny bandit, look at the song The Receiving End of It All off the new alBUM. You can already tell it's a fag anthem by the title, but I shall elaborate. In Catch 22 interviews everyone says Ryan Eldred would win any of the band fights and also is the most equipped (he has a big dick). Marigold is also Ryan Eldred's favorite flower, coincidence? This song is obviously about how Goiter is tired of taking it in the ass from his butch bandmate Ryan so he left and formed Streetlight where he was the butch and every joining member was the bitch (see: Michael Soprano).
—a quote directly from the track which proves the faggotry without question. [this quote is actually incorrect...] | ||
Obviously the above quote is about how he was supposed to stay in Catch 22 for at least 100 years and tour and make CDs about how he hates taking it in the ass every night but loves being held in Ryan's manly but grip. This isn't the only track on Somewhere in the Between (of being gay and straight) that alludes to Tomas boarding the fairy express, but the album is too shitty for our experts to research. Please contact us if you can take that shit and still be sane.
The article continues, I think, to prove without a doubt that Streetlight Manifesto gives me a boner. They're pretty cool. Furthering their reputation as pioneers of the ska scene, they recently released an album entirely comprised of covers.
STREETLIGHT LYRIC GALLERY:
—OMG TOMAS I LEIK SOO GOOD AT RITING LIRICS!!1111111 | ||
Fishbone
More like Friedchickenbone, amirite?
Basically they complain about being black and how the music industry hates them. But according to the record companies, it's their fault that they're black! Why do the poor studioheads have to be the victims? Poor, little, immensely rich guys.
Oh right, anyway, Fishbone's no longer interesting. If they ever were.
The Flaming Tsunamis
DEAD GIRLFRIENDS CAN'T BREAK UP WITH YOU HURR
Some shit band from Connecticut who thinks they're edgy and dark because they're not ska, they're SKACORE OMG JIZZ IN MY PANTS.
Too bad the general idea of the genre is COMPLETELY FUCKING RETARDED.
They're also vegetarian assholes who BAWWWW about animal testing before going into a song that consists solely of thrashing and screaming.
—Some faggot | ||
Less Than Jake
Their fanbase primarily exists to bitch about how they used to be a good band, and be excited about new albums only to shit all over them once they finally come out. Once released an album entirely comprised of covers (the soundtrack to Grease, no fucking less).
Madness
English ska band that stomps around in stupid hats, singing songs that all sound basically the same.
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
The singer sounds like The Jolly Green Giant and Snake from The Simpsons's bastard inbred child, and the creator of this unfunny comic SKAMIC LOL creams herself to him. They have the remarkable ability to make every single song sound exactly the same, but never say this to a fan. Also, they have a member whose sole job is to dance around like an epileptic guy with Parkinson's. Yeah, that's a double-whammy of retarded right there. They've recently gotten back together to play a handful of shows, as an opening band. Even they know they still suck. They also released a b-sides album upon getting back together. Of course, all the fans hyped this up like a gigantic fucking deal.
Mustard Butt Plug
They are from Michigan but are somehow white. PARADOX
The Planet Smashers
Canada is renowned for its excellent contributions to music, like Alanis Morissette, Bryan Adams, Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, and Nelly Furtado. Bearing Canada's great record in mind, it's hardly surprising that Montreal's Planet Smashers are among the worst of the neo-ska bands.
Their main claim to fame is writing the Canadian national anthem.
The Police
These awesome geniuses invented ska (really).
Reel Big Fish
Imagine Uncyclopedia, but with terrible facial hair, instruments, and coke. Add in terrible covers of old shitty songs, inclusion in a shit movie or two, and the theme for the US dub of Rave Master. They always seem to be talking about how they cant get a girlfriend and doesn't believe in love, then again who does? Released an album entirely comprised of covers.
Rx Bandits
This band played ska punk for about a fortnight, until they realised what utter shit it was. Instead of breaking up, they decided to start ripping off The Police and playing progrockskareggaemetal because they didn't have the heart to fuck off the brass section. After a few albums the sax player took the hint and left to concentrate on his "traditional ska" side project that sound like Maroon 5 playing old shitty reggae songs. The lead singer apparently takes as much smack as the dude from Sublime (enough to write a two love songs about it: Taking Chase as The Serpent Slithers and Only For The Night), so it's only a matter of time until he becomes an hero.
The Slackers
Every single one of their songs sounds like some shitty blues cover with horns in the background. They even have a song about riding the fucking rails. Seriously, that's how lame they are.
The Specials
The Specials were some gay old English band that was completely possessed by two colors: Black and White. Now because their whole image basically consisted of 2 colors or "2-Tone" to Ska enthusiasts, some people believe that they could only see in black and white. It is thus believed that these people were not exactly people, but animals with monochromatic vision (See: Dog). The image to the right indicates that yes, they were indeed at least one quarter or fully dog. They made a fuckton of songs with some of the weirdest meanings behind them or they were just covers of other shit songs (e.g: Ghost town was a song about the thatcher era of Britain and how nobody could get a proper job and A message to you rudy was a cover of Dandy Livingstone's "Rudi, a message to you")
[spunge]
Arrogant and ageing English 'ska' band, minus any brass. Released an album entirely comprised of covers.
Sublime
PROTIP: They're wiggers wexicans. Radio stations in Florida worship Sublime like Raptor Jesus, playing their music so often as if the band was still alive. The lead singer was smart enough to figure out his band's (and subsequently: life's) epic failure and promptly became an hero. He is considered the smartest person ever to work in the ska business. Currently being fronted by a portly black person gentleman called Rome, who just sings shitty covers of Sublime's old stuff. And yes, the fucking Dalmatian has been long dead by now, deal with it.
The Toasters
OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OH GOD SO OLD JUST GIVE IT UP PLEASE
The Voodoo Glow Skulls
LOL beaners!!!!eleventy!11!! Srsly, the guy sounds like Luis Guzman if he smoked a carton of Lucky Strikes. Were shit until they fired the sax man, now just terrible.
Leftover Crack
This band was started by some squatter who was in some other shit band who decided to steal all their songs and play them under a new name. They say they play "Crack Rock Steady" but it is still shit. All they sing about is smoking crack, drinking 40s, and being butthurt about the government. Their band members live in a fucking shithole known as "C-Squat" to try and hide the fact that it is a shithole.
Links
- Another Ska community, plz troll again
- Only good thing ever to come out of I-Mockery, be sure to check out the Praise Mail section, in which ska fans try to conceal how butthurt they are.
- The awesome type of ska
- BEAST SKA BAND EVEA!!!!!!11
- Spongebob-Ska in a Nutshell
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Ska is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |