Overwatch

OVERWATCH 2 IS ONE OF THE LOWEST RATED GAMES ON STEAM, ONLY 4% POSITIVE REVIEWS.

Get used to this screen.

Overwatch is a desperate attempt to simplify Team Fortress 2 into a game so easy to play that babies out of the womb could pick it up. Since MMORPGs no longer made the headlines or the big bucks, Blizzard Entertainment were convinced that easy-to-approach class shooters were the next big thing. Creating a cast of colourful characters that wouldn’t look out of place on a kids tv show, Overwatch on release had every sperg, autist and caveman captivated by the bright colours and loud noises, which distracted from how little content the game actually had. To really bring in as many players as possible the game was made as approachable as possible, so despite being a shooter there's no blood or graphic imagery to reach the lowest age rating. The characters themselves range from Avengers knock-offs for the kiddies, edgy Batman villains wearing trench coats for the teens, and tiny barely-legal Korean girls for the adults.

Blinded by how big of a success Overwatch became, Blizzard quickly lost sight of what the game was and what the fans wanted. What followed was years of mishandling, controversy and company politics that managed to turn the games reputation from the next big thing that everyone was playing, into a messy first-person MOBA that alienated new commers, and pissed off veterans.

In a desperate attempt to revive the game, mainly its image, Overwatch 2 was announced, putting the final nail in Overwatch’s coffin as development for the game slowed to a snail’s pace. The legacy of Overwatch is mostly porn, as well as what happens when everyone gets hypnotised by clever advertising and flashy visuals.

The Game Itself

The main game consists of either a quickplay or competitive match, which has two teams of six players fight around different objectives. You can play with your loser friends for an easy victory, or play with strangers if you want to roleplay a French general trying to coordinate his troops. There's king of the hill which is two rounds in which one team must own the centre of the map for 90 seconds. Payload has you push a cart into the enemies spawn. Finally there's assault in which one team has to defend two control points while the other team tries to take them over. More familiar game modes like capture the flag and deathmatch are restricted to a separate "arcade" section which puts different game modes in a rotation so enjoy logging in just to find your favourite game mode has been kicked off in favour of a gimmick mode that no one plays.

Every time you complete a match you're given a virtual medal and some xp, gain enough xp and you're given a free lootbox full of useless stickers and costumes. If you're lazy and only want to play virtual dress up with your favourite characters, don't worry; you can pay real world money for more lootboxes that might only give you items for a character you never play. If you think hard work and skill will reward you with the lootboxes you wanted, you'll be glad to hear that Overwatch gives free lootboxes a lower chance to unbox something good compared to a paid-box, so enjoy your common stickers and alternative voice line for the Text-to-speech robot character.

If you really hate yourself but not enough to consider suicide, you can grind the competitive mode which makes matches longer, but rewards you with a currency used to unlock a golden weapon for your favourite character. These golden weapons use to be an icon of skill and dedication, but are now ruined as Blizzard changed the system from rewarding the golden currency to players who did well at the end of a competitive season, to giving them to a player every time they finished a competitive match.

Heroes - How to play

You're paying for an overpriced ripoff of Team Fortress 2

Damage

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Tank

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Support

Damage

You're in the wrong neighborhood motherfucker

• Ashe - Snipers are so cool with their sharp-shooter aim and quick thinking, trading survivability for insane damage. I bet you'd like to be one, except you can't headshot anything that moves and your awareness is most comparable to Helen Keller. Luckily Ashe is for you, with her sniper rifle having such a ridiculous fire-rate that you can riddle your enemy with bullets once you've missed their brain three times in a row. If anyone gets the drop on you, Ashe has a tiny shotgun that pushes away any attacker, and her ultimate ability is to summon a tank robot that has machine gun hands, mowing down everything in sight, so if you've been sucking ass at actually helping your team, you can bring in this tank to do the work you can't be bothered to do. Ashe is for posers, and is usually chosen by people who take credit for work they didn't do, like in a school project or work presentation.

• Bastion - If you've recently had a lobotomy, Bastion is for you. When you choose this robotic dick-on-legs, you've basically announced to your teammates that you have turned on easy mode and that they shouldn't rely on you to do anything other than mic spam and complain. Bastion can turn into a turret with an ammo capacity that feels almost endless, so enjoy tracking your enemies while you listen to your sigma grindset podcasts. Bastion has an ability to heal himself so you never have to move, but if you feel like stretching your legs, Bastion's ultimate turns him into a cannon on wheels, so enjoy some easy frags. Bastion is for lazy bastards, and is usually chosen by people who never work hard at anything they do, but still do better than those around them.

• Doomfist - Fighting games suck ass, all the combos and quick maths is no fun so normal people avoid them like the plague. Doomfist acts as a diet-coke version of a fighting game character, tasking players to use his Fisher-Price moveset effectively in a game full of stuns and shields. Doomfist can bounce like an NBA player, slam into enemies the same way he slams into single mothers, and for his ultimate he slams his fat ass into the ground in the hope no one tries to choke him while he gets back up. This handful of abilities plus a pea-shooter in his hand with only 4 bullets, would have you convinced he'd be one of the weakest options in the game, but on the contrary, part of Blizzards propaganda that black people are better means that Doomfist one-shots half the characters in the game. This is obviously not fun to play against, so for Overwatch 2 they remade his kit to be completely different, instead of trying to salvage this insanely unfair beast. Doomfist is for cucks, and is usually chosen by people who think they're better at the game then they really are.

• Genji - It might blow your mind to hear that Blizzard, in the name of diversity and breaking stereotypes, made their Japanese character a cyborg ninja. He shoots shurikens that do more damage than bullets, he runs and jump around like Mario on crack, and his ultimate ability is a sword that kills most characters with a single hit. While his design and gameplay is unoriginal, his balance has always been a problem and Blizzard have had to constantly change his cooldowns to try and make him play nice with the other kids. Fact is, it's hard to balance something so ridiculously broken in the first place, there's glass canon, and then there's this gook. Genji is for weeaboos, and is usually chosen sweaty tryhards who get three hours of sleep at most.

• Hanzo - If Ashe is for people who wish they could play a sniper, Hanzo is for players that can play Sniper but only with ridiculous amounts of luck. Hanzo uses a bow that snipes but doesn't have a scope so enjoy trying to hit the three pixels that represents an enemies head across the map. To help you not be a complete waste of space, Hanzo has an arrow that reveals the enemies position to your team for a short period, as well as the ability to shoot off a bunch of arrows as if his bow has suddenly become an assault rifle. Even with these abilities, actually getting a headshot usually requires blind luck or a cheat program. His ultimate ability has him charge up an arrow that unleashes a magic dragon that flies that shoots through walls and kills anything it touches. Hanzo is for anti-social nerds and is usually chosen by people who improvise all the time, but pretend they know what they're doing.

• Junkrat - Slightly fitting given that he's Australian, Junkrat is a brain-dead explosives character that rewards spam and punishes thinking or "aim". Stealing his gear from the Demoman, Junkrat has a grenade launcher that shoots bouncy explosives, and two mines that stick to any surface and can be used to rocket jump as well as lay traps. His ultimate ability is a remote-control tyre with explosives strapped to it, that can be destroyed by enemies if they're paying attention. Given that all his weapons have ridiculously large area of effects, Junkrat doesn't require any skill and keeps winning the fanbases most hated character lists. Junkrat is for cavemen, and is usually chosen by people who've never played the game before.

• Mcree Cassidy - Bullshit incarnate, Cassidy is a close range gunslinger with can stun any enemy he want for an easy headshot. Consistently hated by fans from day 1, this characters insane damage and hard-to-counter stun grenade has made him a must pick due to the fact that a well-trained Cassidy can headshot across the map, meaning he can swap between close combat and sniper on a whim. Couple this with his ultimate which one shots any characters in his field of view, and it's no wonder why this character has become infamous for raping unaware enemy teams; ironic since his original name came from a rapist employee. Cassidy is for basement-dwellers, and is usually chosen by people who tried to play another character, died, and went Cassidy to bully their killer.

how to cosplay Mei if you are a hambeast

• Mei - Designed for trolling, Mei's chubby ass is used to weaken her enemies before her teammates come in to finish them off. Mei's ice gun slows down her target and if frozen long enough, locks them in place for a short period, allowing Mei to get some cheeky hits in before her prey escapes. She can build a Shit Wall of China with her ice gun to block off any exit for her enemies (or her teammates if you're feeling devilish), and if she wants to pussy out of an attack she can encase herself in solid ice which heals her injuries and turns her invulnerable until she thaws out. If this all sounds a little too unfair to fight and brimming with potential to piss off teammates and enemies alike, you're right. Her ice wall specifically is the bane of some players existences, as it not only lasts way too long, but can also be used for players to place out-of-reach teleporters to get an unfair flank. Mei is for fat fetishists, and is usually chosen by people who are looking to do a little bit of trolling.

• Pharah - An Egyptian slave who uses a jet to shoot explosives at her enemies from up above. With her country of origin being an Islamic country, she's clearly a jihadist rip off, very racist of the developer not to properly respect these people with their due "Allahu Akbar". Pharah has the ability to fly along with a rocket launcher, and her ultimate ability which unleashes a rocket barrage onto her enemies. Her simplistic kit makes her a nightmare to fight as she can dodge anything you throw at her while her splash-damage rockets chip away at your health. Pharah is for 12 year old boys, and is usually chosen by people who choose the most expensive item on the menu, and then refuse to pay the bill.

• Reaper - Blizzard finally replied to my emails and added my super cool edgy OC, Reaper the darkflame shadow master. He's got two shotguns that he replaces instead of reloading, a teleport ability that takes way too long to use, and a phase mode where he can run to and from a fight without being hurt. His ultimate is a super cool tornado move where he shoots all the bad guys!!!1! Reaper is for faggots, and is usually chosen by people who are trying too hard to be cool and different.

• Soldier: 76 - Similar to Cassidy, Solider 76 is widely disliked because he's designed to be close-range, but any monkey can spam his weaponry and snipe someone in the distance. Instead of a pathetic little revolver, 76 uses a giant machine gun that can shoot rockets, drop a healing grenade, and for its ultimate you gain temporary aim assist. 76 players are seen as newbies who spam their way victory. Soldier 76 is for Soyboys, and is usually chosen by people who claim they're the best at something, only to fuck it up and blame it on someone else.

• Sombra - Despite being Mexican, Sombra is not a lazy whore who sleeps all day long and drinks till her teeth rot. Instead she found the only working computer in all of Mexico, and decided to put the pc parts inside her because she's absolutely mental. Her only weapon is a nerf gun, with a magazine so small that it's easier to hit them with your fist than try and shoot them to death. To make up for this, Sombra can turn invisible, setup a personal teleport, disable another players abilities for a second or two, and for her ultimate she disables everyone in a small area. While she was designed to stop meta plays by stopping key players do their job, players quickly found Sombra was merely an annoyance, not an obstacle. This means on release she was seen as pretty useless. Sombra is for cowards, and is usually chosen by people who set themselves useless tasks and then pretend they're helping, like organising your pencils in colour order.

• Sojourn - Black robot who replaced Tracer as the cover girl for Overwatch 2. She plays like a better Soldier 76, her canon is stronger, she can slide and jump higher, her grenades stick people to the ground, her rifle has a sniper shot, and her ultimate makes her do more damage. With the canonically biggest ass, it's a shame she's a lifeless robotic husk just like her owners, Blizzard. Sojourn is for thickos, and is usually played by returning players who think they've still got it. (They do not.)

• Symmetra - Ugly shemale from India who quit her tech support day job for something more exciting, building. She can put down turrets, teleporters and a big fuck-off shield. She is the bane of any offense hero trying to push, because her turrets also slow their asses down. Bonus points if you place your teleporter near a ledge, and behold lulz. Despite looking better than some of the other women, Symmetra has some of the least porn about her. Symmetra is for nerds, and is usually chosen by people who only talk about themselves all day long.

• Torbjörn - If you are wondering how unoriginal a game was going to get then wonder no fucking more. This is again, a guy with a fucking turret, like we haven't seen that shit before, then he is also Swedish to add in that cliche shit about how Swedish people used to be blacksmiths. A midget with the typical shit Swedish beard (how unoriginal are we going to fucking get) and can build turrets. Original ideas are fucking unoriginal says Overwatch. The turrets range is ridiculously powerful and if placed in the right spot, can wipe out an entire enemy team, even if they all focus it. Not to mention the rivet gun that Torbjörn can use to snipe at mid-range, this guy is designed to be an asshole. Torbjörn is for children who can't aim, and is usually chosen by people who rely on their "friends" to help them in any situation, because they're clueless on their own.

• Tracer - Seemingly desgined as a giant middle finger to support players, Tracer is best at flanking, getting some undeserved kills before running away and recovering behind the comparatively less-large asses of her teammates. Her guns are lethal at point-blank but useless even at close range. Her health was already small at launch, but has only got smaller, (like her ass), so she can only get away with killing the distracted healers, because anyone that fights back is usually going to win. She has the ability to teleport ahead, as well as reset her position back to where she was 10 seconds ago, restoring her health in the process; enjoy trying to kill this British cockroach, only for her to say "lol no" and escape with all her health back. Her ultimate is a sticky bomb that one-shots healers but can't do anything to tanks. Tracer is for Asians, and is usually chosen by people who still think "random = funny".

• Widowmaker - French cunt who is too busy trying to empower feminists with her killing her husband bullshit, she doesn't have any discernible character other than describing about how she was scared of fucking spiders which somehow lead to being brainwashed by Bad Overwatch? She also gives edgy speeches about how satisfying it is to kill people. She has a sniper rifle that needs to charge before it can headshot, a poison mine that almost no damage, and a grapple hook which is meant to be used for sniper positions, but is usually just used to escape when her team fails and dies. Her ultimate is probably the most useless in the game, she can reveal where the enemy is for 10 seconds, which doesn't help since most maps usually have only one doorway the enemy can go through. Widowmaker is for hipsters, and is usually chosen by people who haven't played the game since release and still think she is the best sniper.

Tank

>tfw no qt3.14 korean tank hero gf

• D.Va - A Korean professional girl gamer and Hollywood actress that turned into mech rider. Incredibly spergy and completely out of the realm of possibility you say? Well, Overwatch is here to test your bullshit tolerance, right now you are asking yourself how a hot girl with no life who lives in her mother's basement managed to grasp the concept of piloting an intricate mech and is not fat as fuck, Overwatch says thinking is for the weak. Her mech is shit like every China-made product so it explodes instantly after you get hit and you have to somehow get a kill with a water pistol and no protection, which also leads to the question how the fuck can someone who lives off potato chips and coke has enough combat physique to take even one shot. Well, Overwatch says, fuck you that's why a pistol that can do more damage than the mech itself. Her ultimate ability is turning your battleground into South Korea after North Korea finish their weapon development. Running away from the nuke will change nothing so don't even bother avoiding it, just accept your fate. D.Va is for fat fucks, and is usually chosen by people who claim to like a girl for her personality, but instead only want her for her body.

• Orisa - Impoverished and starving Africans built Orisa out of broken machinery, with her main architect being a 13 year old girl. This bullshit backstory might explain why Orisa is so useless. A minigun that shoots projectiles instead of bullets, a shield that might as well be made of paper, and immunity to being shoved into lockers. Her ultimate allows her to throw down a giant Bluetooth speaker that boosts nearby teammates damage. Orisa was only useful when her shield use to be strong, but Blizzard were sure to nerf it into the ground, insuring Orisa would never be relevant again. Orisa is for newbies, and is usually chosen by people who chose a bad option in a list, and pretends to be a hipster instead of just admitting they fucked up.

• Ramattra - A tiny twink robot that can take male vitality growth hormone alpha chad pills and become a giant mecha. Being the first new hero locked off from every player who did not buy the battlepass, Ramattra was rightly hated as he was allowed in competitive play, marking the first time Overwatch truly became pay to win. His ultimate is the mecha form, as long as you do damage, you can stay in mecha form. This meant a whole competitive season was ruined because paypigs were given a free spawncamper. Ramattra is for IT workers, and is usually chosen by those who make bad decisions with their money.

• Reinhardt - German oldfag that was lost on the way to retirement home and jumped into an experimental Nazi warmachine. Reinhardt players are supposed to use their giant barriers to shield their bitch teammates who can't kill for shit, allowing them to cower behind him as they get noob kills. Once the player has had enough being a moving target, their options are run at the enemy with their hammer and die, get a cheeky kill with their charge and die, or use their ultimate to knock everyone to the ground, only to be killed in the middle of this plan, wasting an ultimate. Reinhardt is for your Mom, and is usually chosen by people who watch a YouTube video on a topic, and then pretend that they're an expert on the topic.

• Junker Queen - An Australian roastie who looks to be stronger and taller than most of the men. Her shotgun might as well be firing blanks, her special melee move has barely any range to be effective, her throwing knife is the only chance you have to hit someone, and her burst of health and speed only really work if you're retreating. Her ultimate debuffs enemies around her, so you need to rely on your teammates for her to be effective, so you might as well never use it. Junker Queen is for lonley virgins, and is usually chosen by one-handed tumblr artists.

• Roadhog - The source of a lot of fat fetish content, Roadhog is a morbidly-obese rapist who uses his hook to grab unsuspecting women from afar, before he makes them unrecognisable to the police with his shotgun made of literal rubbish. If you're somehow able to make Roadhog more lead than bodyfat, he has a jar of piss to chug that restores his health and an ultimate ability where he creates a shotgun-machine gun hybrid to send his enemies flying. Roadhog has been controversial since launch, not that he's overpowered but his design is just so dreadful that he's a headache to fight for most players. Even after nerfing his hook range and his melee damage, a tank that can one-shot half the cast and heal 80% of his health is going to be a problem. Roadhog is for fart fetishists, and is usually chosen by newbies who believe in beginners luck.

• Sigma - As part of Blizzard's affinity for representing every minority, Sigma is a schizo who went insane after his music taste was made fun of by mu. Sigma can project an energy shield that can float and soak up a ridiculous amount of damage before shattering. He can hoover up attacks in his hand and shoot boulders at unsuspecting targets. For his ultimate he lifts up the enemy like a kid with their action figures, and then throw them to the floor like an angry toddler. Sigma is for boring people, and is usually chosen by people who eat their food bland, with no seasoning or condiments.

• Winston - If you're expecting jokes about Winston being black, I'm sorry to disappoint. Winston sucks at killing people, which means he's a shit monkey and a shit tank. His role is to be a "space-maker", which means he tries to scare off attackers by waving his arms like a little girl. He has a giant tesla coil gun that does terrible damage and hits multiple people in one go. He can create a giant dome shield that will instantly shatter, and his ultimate allows him to go full chimp-mode and start throwing his enemies around the room like they were dog chew toys. Winston is for wimps, and is usually chosen by hipsters who believe themselves to be the saviour of the team.

• Wrecking Ball - A hamster from space who built a mech suit out of the escape pod is impressive and all, but given that they only live for 2 years or so, hopefully means Blizzard will kill this abomination and remove him from the character list soon. Similar to Winston, Wrecking Ball is another gimmick "supportive" tank, in this case his kit is designed to waste time and contest control points. Ridiculously large pool of health, a grapple hook that can be used to swing around control points, a shield mode, and an ultimate which lays down land mines, all of these annoying toys mean whenever your enemies are sucking dick at getting shit done, they'll switch to this house pet and use him to stall for time. Wrecking ball is for trolls, and is usually chosen by losers who can't accept when they've lost.

• Zarya - Freakishly tall, unattractive face, too much muscle, and a lesbian hair cut, Zarya is the epitome of Blizzard's design for characters when it comes to Overwatch. Zarya has a energy-minigun hybrid that does more damage depending on how much damage Zarya herself receives. She can project a shield on herself and a teammate for a short while, and if the enemy team are stupid enough to shoot the shiny players with big energy balls on them, Zarya's canon-thing does more damage. Her ultimate is a black hole that does no damage, but pulls in all enemies towards it, allowing the enemy team a short moment to get some cheeky hits in, or more likely use another ultimate alongside it to one shot the opposition. Zarya is for dykes, and is usually chosen by transsexuals in denial.

Support

that was the fucker who sold me bad shit on my trip to Brazil!!11!!

• Ana - Blizzard was told by fans that support is so easy to play, even their grandmother can do it. Getting a little confused, Blizzard went ahead and added a grandmother to the game. Ana is a terrorist with a broken sniper rifle. Suffering from dementia, Ana hasn't realised her rifle heals instead of hurts, and can't headshot for shit. Being a sandnigger, Ana does have explosives, but these heal too. For her ultimate, Ana can boost someone else's damage and health. Ana is for the arabs, and is usually chosen by the short-sighted.

• Baptiste - Overwatch is dying. The competitive that Blizzard had artificially grown by throwing money at, was also dying with comp players leaving and viewers refusing to tune in. Their solution? To introduce Baptise, a support character who's kit revolves entirely around letting his team become invincible. His assault rifle has a grenade launcher strapped to it, which shoots healing grenades. He has an ability that creates a bubble that makes his team invincible, as well as the ability to heal everyone around him. His ultimate creates a shield that boosts the damage of his teammates if they shoot through it. If this all sounds too powerful, you'd be right, fans and players hated Baptise, but the support players loved him as they were basically given a DPS character with bullshit abilities to cheese any fight. Baptise is for the French, and is usually chosen by professional players.

• Brigitte - Blizzard's answer for the normal people who don't want to play doctor all day, Brigitte is basically a DPS whose doing the support role accidentally. She has a miniature shield, a mace on a chain, and as she does damage on the battlefield, it heals those around her. What should have been a brilliant answer to the support question turned into a nightmare as Brigitte was so broken, Blizzard had to nerf her into the ground, buff all the other support characters, introduce a roll queue so that even quickplay matches would be fair, and even then Brigitte still came out of it all as a decent pick for most fights. Let her serve as a constant reminder; Blizarrd don't know how to make first-shooters, and can't balance to save their lives.

• Lucio - HUEHUEHUEBRBR A typical Brazilian gangster that killed families and before deciding to join Overwatch to avoid getting arrested. Rides around on gay rollerblades while blasting shit fucking hip-hop. He's the standard healer pick of just about every team because said rap can heal everyone constantly or make them move faster. He can switch between these abilities at will AND can give his teammates shields fairly often, which makes him and anyone he's near incredibly annoying to kill. As if that wasn't enough, he can fart into the microphone on his futuristic boom box and send out a blast of sound that you think might be shockwave but it's actually hip-hop so fucking shit that any faggots whose cells even comes in contact with it automatically repels from it.

• Mercy - German medic - ORIGINAL CHARACTER, DO NOT STEAL. Also known as "Healslut" in the community because of her fast healing, but then again, she can only target one person at a time which makes Lucio superior (a man being superior at something than a woman? Go fucking figure). Has a damage boost as well, but if you're using it then you're not healing, so only retards ever switch to it. Her ultimate revives all nearby dead teammates, but the only way to use it is to completely fail at your only job. Duly noted to be actually Swiss but there is no difference because we know Switzerland supported the Nazis. She is a medic, go fucking figure, why don't you just give her a white flag to play off her French descent some more.

• Moira - The character most picked by lobotomy patients. After the monumental disaster that was Brigitte, Blizarrd went back to the drawing board. Ana requires aim to be effective, Brigitte has to fight in order to heal those around her. The idea suddenly came to Blizzard, and they quickly got to work designing Moria. Moria doesn't need to aim, her energy beam seeks out it's target. Her healing beam lingers and isn't limited to healing one person. She can shoot out a ball that heals any nearby teammates. Blizzard finally created the newbie wet dream, and after a couple of nerfs, Moria was ready for Overwatch and was immediately disregarded by the competitive players, forever delegated in quickplay.

• Kiriko - The ultimate weeb-bait, a cute Japanese girl with the typical Overwatch goodie-two shoes personality. Running around barefoot, Kiriko can climb walls, teleport to teammates, throwing love letters to heal people whilst she snipes the enemy with ninja daggers. Her ultimate shoots out a wolf that allows people to run fast and shoot faster. Her Disney trailer was leaked on 4chan two months before she was even in the game, and she was banned from Competitive matches for a good while as Blizzard desperately tried to balance her.

• Zenyatta - A robot monker who preaches personal interaction with people by killing people with his metal balls, developers attempt to be culturally integral, fails badly. While he is the most fragile piece of garbage in the game with an average heal, he more than makes up for it by shooting an Orb of Discord at you, which increases the damage an enemy takes. If he's good, he will absolutely assrape your team, or scare you so badly you have to hide behind the wall like a bitch. For his ultimate ability, he drops acid while taking them so he can "experience tranquility".

The Plot

The only "plot" of Overwatch that people care about, trying it's hardest to save this piece of shit.

After 500+ hours of Overwatch being drilled into your skull, you might have lost enough brain cells to be declared clinically insane. This will lead to you asking questions like, "Why do all these cartoon caricatures hate each other so much?". If you are looking for answers in the game itself, you won't find them. Instead, you have to watch their Disney shows and read their comic books to find out the incredibly boring and predictable answer as to why everyone hates each other. It's not worth your time, like the rest of Overwatch, mainly because the story has been sanitised and written to be inoffensive, so intrigue is off the table. Consistency is also a problem, as the story fails to juggle different cultures, timelines and themes. It would be a waste of time to cover every characters backstory and major theme, but here's the gist.

60 years in the future everyone has decided slavery is actually pretty good, so robotic slaves do all the boring jobs and look after families. Peace and prosperity is the norm until one day the robots "mysteriously" become sentient and want to take over the world. All the robots run back to their factories, take them over, and start producing Gatling guns on legs. Each country has a different response, America sends over genetically enhanced soldiers, Britain makes space-spitfires, Russia uses gundams, Korea uses mech-suits, etc. Eventually all the countries in the world come together and form "Overwatch", an overfunded task force with each member being the best killer from every country. They're given diplomatic immunity and allowed to do whatever they want, kill whoever they want, and are given all the latest tech, somehow they're meant to be the good guys. They go around and kill all the robots and everyone loves them. Australia is nuked and Russia has its economy rekt but it's a small price to pay for literal world peace.

Overwatch goes around and completes the side quests they neglected, keeping world peace. Eventually the leader of Overwatch and one of his soldier have a fight and this causes all of Overwatch to collapse and for them to be made illegal. This parts all vague because not even the writers are sure why everything suddenly goes to shit. It's prime territory for a shitty comic book or movie or some other product for fanboys to absorb. Now that Overwatch is no longer cool or legal and the world is all shit again, a giant gorilla accidently presses the "Revive Overwatch lol" button, causing all the old superheroes from Overwatch to go out and kill again with the new younger generation, this time with even more fucked up weaponry and no diplomatic immunity for their actions.

Controversies

Tracer's ass

Tracer and her 3D rendered arse have caused problems for Blizzard since day, despite it not even being that big. When the game first launched, clickbait hacks made "articles" campaigning for "respect for women in the gaming industry and identity politics. They complained that Tracer's ass was sexist, as men would be turned on, and they pretended to take great offense over a particular Tracer pose.

Look at that sexist pile of shit. She has an ass for fuck's sake. Anyone who doesn't notice how sexist it is for a woman to have an ass should be shot, the ass just shouldn't be there. This pose that is just degrading for woman, she isn't holding a sandwich maker nor is she in the kitchen, how is this a fair representation of women? As this controversy was going on, there was also a sizeable petition for Overwatch to remove all guns, which was somehow gaining quite a few signatures, and so the braindead monkeys campaigning for Tracer's ass to be removed thought they too would gain a large amount of support if they demmanded something equally as stupid. Luckily, brave and sexually depraved gamers came out in droves to defend Tracer's behind and attack her detractors. petition to remove all guns from the game (archive).

Blizzard changed the offending pose to a slightly more tasteful pose, referencing a famous pinup poster. But the furious, short-haired and loud-mouthed journalists were still not satisfied. Brianna Wu complained about the butt, using advanced mental gymnastics to try and prove Tracer's design itself, was sexual and offensive. on twitter (archive):

The irony of Brianna Wu being so un-sex positive about Tracer is completely lost on her him.

Tracer is a rug muncher

	“	…we’ve wanted the universe of Overwatch to feel welcoming and inclusive, and to reflect the diversity of our players around the world.	„
	—Blizzard, Shooting their own leg

Just when the idiots of Gamergate were celebrating that Blizzard trolled the SJW with the ridiculous pose, Last Thursday they released a Christmas comic in which they show that British hot tight pants is fond of chowing boxes, as if her bulldyke haircut wasn't enough of a giveaway.

Apparently Tracer is the first (there will be more) LGBTBBQWTF+ character of the franchise, as she has a relationship with a ginger called Emily, eerily looking too similar to another soulless lesbian ginger.

The reactions to this addition to the Overwatch in-game canon can vary from the likes of "Meh, I'm not going to pay 40 bucks for this tumblr ripoff shit", to "You bastards, Tracer is my waifu, Why did you this to me?". Still and, again, the ones with the most embarrassing reactions were the lab monkeys writing for SJW clickbait pages who reached orgasm with screams of "muh Diversity", "muh Inclusiveness" and "muh Representation" because of a fictional character enjoying and drinking vaginal fluids.

Journalism About missing Pics Kotaku making fun of /r9k/ Kotaku again expressing their opinions The Mary Sue writing the kind of articles that makes nobody want to pay for a subscription [Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery] Metro berating Based Russia Never go full McIntosh

This Blizzard attempt to cater to more mature audiences with this cheap marketing stunt will backfire as in the first place, more 3D porn of Tracer fucking the rest of the female characters with a strap-on will be made, second, the hardcore gamers will not be playing it as they don't want queer representation while they are killing the shit of their fellow gamers and finally, the game only will be played by the obsessed tumblristas with queer pronouns, creating around the game a fandom more retarded than the fandom of Steven Universe. As if the Fembusters debacle wasn't enough, Blizzard apparently must learn from experience that you never cater to the qualms of SJW as they are bad and disloyal customers who are more interested on virtue signaling than buying your overpriced shit.

Soldier 76 is Bisexual

People were complaining that updates for Overwatch had slowed down substantially, Blizzard's response? Releasing a comic that showed Soldier 76 used to have a boyfriend when he was younger. This was a last minute change to a comic that had been rotting in their vault, no dialogue confirmed 76 loved cock, it was just implied with a single panel. Predictably, "gaming" journalists jumped on this, praising Blizzard for confirming one of their main heroes has aids.

“	I made the leap to Overwatch when Blizzard’s team revealed that Soldier: 76 is gay. There’s a wide spectrum of genders, backgrounds, and combat roles in Overwatch already, but now there is one who is like me,	„
—Polygon's most professional writer.

After this revelation, player stats revealed that Soldier 76 was being chosen less and less in-game. Despite being one of the most consistently viable characters in the competitive mode, people's inner homophobia was making itself known. Once Blizzard pumped out more and more shit for Overwatch, people calmed down and Blizzard forgot they even made 76 gay, as did players and Soldier 76 was played more and more.

Blitzchung and China

On October 6th 2019, a Hong Kong Hearthstone player called Blitzchung was on a Competitive stream hosted by Blizzard, and he started screaming and crying about liberating Hong Kong. Sadly, great snipers from the People's Republic of China were not able to silence him in time, as Blizzard quickly stopped the livestream, and hid Blitzchung away. The next day, they announced he was banned from every playing competitive ever again. Blizzard's excuse was that he damaged their image, which was a rule hidden somewhere in their contract. This caused millions of neckbeards and man-children across the world to start boycotting Blizzard, setting fire to their Hearthstone XXXL t-shirts, cancelling their WoW subscriptions, and limiting themselves to only play Overwatch on the weekends from now on, as opposed to all day every day. Blizzard employees started doing walkouts and protests outside their offices, and some exposed that Blizzard had only banned Blitzchung due to just how much money they made off China, as well as the fact that 5% of Blizzard was owned by Chinese media, and another 12% was Tencent.

Instead of fulfilling Blitzchung's wish of Hong Kong independence by sending support and educating themselves on the complex topic, the army of fat neckbeards instead used this as an excuse to farm karma on reddit and likes on twitter by screenshotting themselves cancelling and deleting their various saves, profiles and subscriptions to Blizzard games. Overwatch was not exempt from this, millions of post start cropping up with players claiming they had deleted their Battlenet accounts "IN THE NAME OF HONG KONG AND BLITZCHUNG!!1!".

Overwatch 2

How is the bundle cheaper than an individual item?

In 2020, to distract from their Chinese cock-sucking, Blizzard released a flash trailer for "Overwatch 2", a trailer they had made for situations like this. The problem? Now they actually needed to release an Overwatch 2. So they slowly let Overwatch die as they worked on the sequel, and 2 years later they released Overwatch 2. It changed teams from 6v6 to 5v5, and added one new support, dps and tank. Millions tried logging in on release only to be met with awfully long loading screens and every game they connected to crashing, due to trolls DDOS-ing Blizzard's terrible servers.

Once they finally got in to the game, people discovered how broken and ill-prepared Blizzard were. Bastion and Torbjorn were so buggy that they had to be momentarily removed whilst Blizzard tried to fix all their mistakes. Loading screens has empty models and dev-textures still in them, the new battle pass system meant it would take 8 months of grinding to get one legendary skin, and the new 5v5 format meant team kills were more common.

The new push gamemode sucked ass, both teams fight over one objective to push into the other teams base. The objective, a giant robot spewing out Marvel movie quotes, is basically a big payload cart with a shield on the front, so once a team start getting pretty far into your area, you're kind of fucked. If the enemy team somehow loses the robot, they still have an easy win, because if the robot is abbandonded by the end of the game, the team who pushed the bot farther wins. Assuming the enemy pushed it slightly further than you, they can kill you, touch the robot to repossess it, and leave the robot alone, let the time run out, and win without much effort.

Everything wrong with Overwatch 2 on launch

• New players had to grind 100 matches to unlock the OW1 characters.
• Battle pass has mostly OW1 items, so old players had little to unlock.
• $20 for one skin.
• $10 for a battle pass that had very little new content.
• The new currency was so scarce it would take 8 months of weekly challenges to unlock one legendary skin.
• Daily and weekly challenges were poorly designed, like "20 team kills" in one day.
• Bastion, Torbjorn and Mei were so broken they has to be disabled.
• Blizzard fucked up and disabled all DPS characters, instead of just Torbjorn.
• You could only block 3 players.
• Old maps were removed.
• Some old players had all their progress reset and items locked again.
• Unless you bought the battle pass, there's no reward for grinding.
• You could be kicked out mid-game because Blizzard's servers were broken.
• New event skins cost $24 individually.
• Certain new skins are locked behind over-priced bundles and can't be bought on their own.
• Bundles cost $24 of in-game currency, and can't be outright bought, meaning you have to add $25 of currency, to buy a $24 bundle.
• New characters are locked behind a $20 paywall or countless hours of grinding.
• The matchmaker was broken for like, 5 months? Blizzard kept getting spammed with reports about it but did nothing.

PVE and Steam

Obviously three years just for a mediocre balance list, and 3 new characters is a bit ridiculous. Blizzard had promised a PVE co-op mode with story and skill trees would be their big new addition, justifying Overwatch having a 2 in it's title. This mode was hyped into oblivion by Blizzard, promising "revamped AI" that would be like nothing else in gaming, and a unique skill tree for every character. Overwatch 2 launches without the PVE mode, but Blizzard still released a $35 copy of Overwatch 2 that promised access to PVE when it was ready. One year later and Blizzard announced that their PVE had been cancelled. In fact, this wasn't an announcement, this was sneakily said by a developer during an interview, in which he used a lot of vague language to try and disguise his admittance that they had done jackshit for 4 years.

Fret not though, co-op PVE missions were coming! They would just cost $20 per mission, no progression or skill tree, and their gameplay was identical to the free holiday missions released back in Overwatch 1. This utterly retarded band-aid designed to minimize the internet shit storm wouldn't work at all. Instead, it would fail spectacularly and only add fuel to the fire. In the hopes of reviving the dead playerbase, Blizzard had put Overwatch 2 on Steam on the same day as the co-op mission launch. This lead to a mass storm of negative reviews, quickly making Overwatch 2 one of the lowest rated games on Steam, surpassing Hunt Down The Freeman and the abundance of furry porn games. At it's lowest, Overwatch 2 had 4% positive reviews on steam. To add to the hilarity, Blizzard had removed the artwork section of Overwatch's Steam page, proving Blizzard know their audience well.

Videos

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See Also

• World of Warcraft
• Diablo 3
• Team Fortress 2

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