Sweet Eva
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This article has been cleaned up, and it was a trip to hell and back. Please, don't fuck it up. |
Sweet Eva was (RIP) a camwhore of the lowest common denominator who brought smiles and tears to the Internets in 2008 when she became the target of frequent cam raids by the homosexuals over at eBaumsworld. Many Anonymous found themselves unable to look away from this middle-aged, alcoholic, meth-addicted piece of white trash, as her willingness to strip down to her birthday suit for free and over-inflated sense of importance on the Internet made her a source of instantaneous lulz. Of course, it comes as a surprise to noone that Sweet Eva is probably the only camwhore in the world where tits are not only NOT asked for, but also unwanted.
Her sole source of income is her husband, Mike, who despite having a job is almost always seen sleeping, drinking beer, imprisoned, or using Rick Astley to troll his wife on cam.
Some argue that it's only a matter of time before Mike chokes Eva to death in one of his alcoholic, drug-addled rages, though many people on the Internet are hoping that this day does not come so that Eva can continue to warm the hearts of children with her incoherent rants and whore antics. Coincidentally, Mike is also the name of her brother. Mike the brother has made brief appearances on cam and seems unfazed by Eva's hobby of sitting around the house naked on cam for all the world to see.
According to Eva's various cam rants, she was raised as a Freemason and worships Satan. She speaks Dutch and Japanese from her time in the navy. She can often be found drowning her sorrows in a Budweiser bottle - the first one of the day usually gets popped open around 7am - while having a domestic feud with Mike over who's going to make the microwavable dinners. Needless to say, Sweet Eva is a classy, classy lady.
INTERNET, INTERNET, INTERNET
During one of many eBaumsworld trolling sessions, Eva and Mike got into a huge fight with each other, much to the delight of trolls. To end the fight, Mike agreed to take Eva to Staples to pick up a life-size cardboard cut-out of herself to replace the Sarah Michelle Gellar cut-out which was currently sitting in their lounge room. They informed their "fans" that they were going to leave the camera on while they were gone and that they would be back in a little while.
As time passed, the eBaumfags' dicks became raw from fapping to the Sarah Michelle Gelar cut-out and they grew weary of waiting for Eva to return. After about an hour had passed without sign of Mike or Eva, trolls became genuinely worried about their missing camwhore. One troll became so worried that he ordered $70 worth of pizza to be delivered to Eva's house to see if they had secretly arrived home when they weren't looking. When the delivery came and went and no one was there to pick it up, trolls decided to do the only thing you can do in an emergency of this caliber: call Eva's local police department and tell them that Eva had murdered her husband and committed suicide on cam. All that was left now was to wait and see the story unfold.
Sure enough, not long after calling the police, there was a knock on the door and the police burst into Eva's house. As the cops searched around the house, the phone began to ring. In a moment that took all the trolls by surprise, the cop walked right in front of the webcam to answer the phone, his ass in full view for all the Anons who were now reaching maximum lulz capacity. Even better, the phone call managed to alert the cop to a bong hiding behind the couch. Yet the fun would not last, for just as the cop was commenting on how there were so many wires and that one of them must be for the Internet, the Internet Gremlins interfered and the webcam feed choked, resulting in an endless audio loop of the cop saying "internet".
—The defining moment of the Sweet Eva saga | ||
As a direct result of this incident, Mike was arrested and had to go to court. Drug paraphernalia charges were brought against him after his bong was discovered during the raid. Because of his priors, it was rumored that the judge had thrown the book at Mike and he had been sentenced to a year in prison being ass raped by horny niggers; but in actuality, he had only been given probation which, some argue, are a result of Mike's alleged Masonic connections.
Eva Breaks Her Arm
The day after the police incident, on February 12, Eva returned home and quickly got on cam. Just as she proceeded to remove her clothes and do her signature moves, Eva tripped and fell on the floor, breaking her arm in the process. It is unclear just how a middle-aged woman manages to break her arm by falling on the floor; many suggest that Eva forgot to take her Centrum that morning, which resulted in her bones decalcifying to the point where her arms became as brittle as candy canes. Others argue that Eva's constant years of meth abuse has had a similar effect. No matter what caused this to happen, it happened, and many lulz were had by eBaumfags.
Instead of rushing to the hospital like any normal person would, Eva sat back down on the couch, continued to drink her beer, and started yelling at the trolls and at Mike that she was in pain (naively thinking that the trolls actually cared about her well-being). What makes this incident even funnier is the fact that even Mike did not give a shit about his wife and her broken arm, opting to instead make sure that meme-spewing faggots in their chat room were banned accordingly. Clearly, Mike is on the side of the lulz.
Mike, Master Troll
As mentioned previously, evidence has shown that Mike is on the side of the lulz. There have been many examples of Mike's awesomeness over the course of Eva's camwhore career:
Mike rickrolls Eva, who promptly flips out like a cat on acid.
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Because of Mike's trolling efforts he has gained quite the following amongst Eva trolls. Many trolls worship Mike as some sort of god, with some Anons even offering Mike secks free of charge like the good little sluts they are. This just goes to show you that doing drugs and trolling your wife will get you laid OTI.
Eva's Departure and Return
Despite all the weeks of lulz-inducing moments, ranging from putting her shoe on her head to breaking down when asked to perform a sex act on her parrot, the Internet Gods decided to take Eva away from this world and put an end to her reign of hilarity.
On Feburary 23, 2008, Eva showed up on cam very early in the morning, around 4am EST. On the other side of the Atlantic, all the Britfag Anons decided to check out what SweetEva was doing as they chowed down on their morning breakfast. Much to their horror, they discovered that Eva was completely smashed and had likely been tooting on the glass trombone, with sounds of what appeared to be Mike smoking his bong in the background. As the Britfags lamented at the downfall of their precious lolcow, things got serious when Eva fell over and smashed her head on the floor, resulting in a very nasty head wound and likely a concussion as well. Rather than taking her to the hospital, her husband decided to let his wife continue camwhoring, her head bleeding profusely, as he played emo music in the background and chugged down his Budweiser.
Shocked and appalled by what they saw, many viewers urged Eva to get help, sending messages of love and care like:
—Anonymous | ||
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Soon a massive argument broke out between Mike and Eva, which included a particularly funny moment where Mike wondered if the massive hole in her head made her a "cyclops" or "the All-Seeing Eye", ultimately deciding to call her "niggerlips". Unable to take any more of this horrific event, eBaumsfags promptly called Eva's local authorities, who responded within minutes and arrested Mike, but unfortunately did not shoot the fucking parrot. Eva eventually got off her cam and went to the hospital, while Mike went to jail to be some nigga's bitch.
No one knows why she left so suddenly. Was it because of the many trolls who were trying to make her an hero? Was it because she finally stopped drinking long enough to figure out that she was being trolled professionally? Was it because she saw this very article? None of this matters, because it did not take long for Eva to realize that camwhoring was what gave her the attention fix she needed and, just as suddenly as she left, she returned to CAM4 to continue whoring it up for all the Internets to see.
MODS = FAGS
Toward the end of April 2008, Sweet Eva began to make wild claims about Mike being dead, much to the dismay of Mike fanboys who promptly committed suicide to be with their loved one in Hell. Thankfully, this turned out to be an incorrect claim, much to Eva's surpise.
Then on April 29, a CAM4 Admin decided to stop by in Eva's chat room to see what all the fuss was about. Eva then proceeded to rip the Admin to shreds, accusing him of leading the conspiracy over Mike's death. As a result, and in a supreme display of faggotry, the CAM4 staff decided to lay down the banhammer on Sweet Eva. This banning took a severe toll on organized Sweet Eva trolling, with many trolls decrying the administration's choice to dethrone their queen. With Sweet Eva no longer able to parade her insanity on CAM4, many trolls began to move on to new targets while the more hxc Sweet Eva fans began experiencing lulz withdrawl.
Her Triumphant Return
Sometime in May, Sweet Eva's account was unbanned and she was once again allowed to roam free on CAM4 like the whore she is. Many funny moments were had during the month of May, including:
- Mike trolling Eva while she was tanning out on her ghetto front yard.
- Eva and Mike getting into a fight over how Eva ruined dinner.
- Eva's friend Angie stopping by and whoring it up on cam with her BFF.
- Eva's daughter stopping by and whoring it up on cam with her mom.
- Mike and Eva having disgusting and awkward oral sex.
- Trolls dropping Eva's dox, resulting in over 160 calls to her house.
But suddenly, in July, Eva's CAM4 account became suspiciously inactive, and many trolls began to fear that Eva may have finally kicked the bucket. Many reasons were given for her presumed demise: a drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, and even cirrhosis of the liver, something she claimed to be diagnosed with.
After Eva's mysterious disappearance, many optimistic trolls began searching every camwhore site for signs of their queen. Many sightings were reported, although none of them were ever substantiated. Just as trolls were about to give up their search, Eva returned to her CAM4 account, where she was once again stripping naked and lounging around the house screaming at all the delighted eBaumsfags in her chat room. However, it had seemed that Eva was not quite as active in her CAM4 account as she had been, leading many trolls to wonder if Eva had a new account somewhere on CAM4, or possibly on another site.
After two years of diminishing appearances on CAM4, during which time organized Eva trolling shrunk and took a back seat to bigger and gayer trolling efforts, the remaining Eva trolls discovered a new cam site where she was spending most of her time: iwebcam.com, a webcam site with an interface uglier than your mom's face. Eva was, as usual, performing the three "S"es: stripping, shouting, and smoking.
Current Status
As of December 2011, Eva has seemingly returned to CAM4 after a long absence from the site. While Eva makes sporadic appearances on iwebcam.com, it appears that Eva quickly realized just how much the user interface in iwebcam sucks compared to CAM4 and came back home. Eva trolling has, unfortunately, died out in all the years that have passed, although there are a select group of people who just can't stay away.
While the lulz dried up long ago, the Sweet Eva saga acts as a reminder of just how low an attention whore can go. It also acts as a testament as to the potential lulz that can be harvested from these aspiring camwhores. And while many camwhores will come and go, one thing is for sure: there will only be one Sweet Eva.
And nothing of value was lost.
June 25th, 2013
On the night of June 25th, 2013, Eva was enjoying a pleasant evening at home with Mike, passed out in her computer chair in front of her camera on iwebcam.com. Eva was evidently extremely intoxicated, as she appeared unable to move or speak coherently, and slipped in and out of consciousness several times, waking up just long enough to shamble around her room, put on a pink bathrobe, and perform an action off-camera that looked quite a bit like snorting something. It was just another example of the kind of behavior that makes Eva the classy lady that she is known to be. Mike was in a similar state, lying behind her on the bed, coming to just long enough to raise his arm up in the air and pass out again. Concerned for her safety, some thoughtful /b/tards decided to call the police to perform a well-being check on her, to make sure she hadn't overdosed. Around 3AM, there was a very loud knocking on the front door, and a voice could be heard asking them to open up. Mike, evidently having learned from the incident in 2008, jumped up off the bed, almost fell over, and rushed over to the computer. He took a second to read the chat, realized what had happened, and shut off the camera, to the disappointment of many hoping for a repeat performance. Just before the camera shut off, he could be seen shaking Eva, who was still barely conscious, and could be heard saying "Don't worry Evie". The camera remained shut off for the duration of the night, and after about 40 minutes, the website mods shut down Eva's cam room. The whereabouts of Eva and Mike remain unknown as of the next day, but judging by the state they were in when the police showed up, they are quite possibly in jail for parole violation/drug possession. However, several confirmed reports state that their shelves are perfectly fine.
Sweet Eva Quotes
—lol | ||
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Gallery
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Auschsplitz for Anon -
It's true, she's ugly nao -
OMFG SHE HAD TITS -
BLURRRRRRRARGH
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Eva, after her hair has been dyed -
May 15, 2008. A master is out. -
Awww -
Mike completes the night -
Sweet Dimitri released from captivity only to bask in Eva's ill fame -
Eva's Mini-Me -
Eva and her lampshade getting it on -
Eva and her warpaint -
Eva being suffocated by the vastly superior lamp, hopefully to death -
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LET THEM EAT CAKE -
Mike is alive!! -
A tender moment... -
From her Myspace comments -
WIGGER -
Eva tries to strike out at Ebaumsworld -
Mike gone wild! -
Never opened -
Even pedophiles like Sweet Eva! -
A typical trolling session on Eva's cam -
OMG it's Mike -
How to get b& -
Eva loves /b/! -
Eva, Mike, Parrot -
Auschsplitz once again -
Methroll! -
Mike suffocates on Eva's roast beef curtains while trolls fail at Bel-Air -
Meth Puddin'! -
Firestarter -
Knock knock -
Xenu is amused -
FREE PIZZA! -
Best. Remix. EVAR! -
RE-RE-RE-REMIX -
Mike threatens /b/ -
BOO! -
Lamp on head -
-
What -
Tits or... OH LAWD JUST GTFO -
Eva's ass, or lack thereof -
Holocaust pussy -
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She paid for it herself, you pukes! -
NMike goes full-on nigga -
LOLWUT? -
Pikachu on head! -
Mike is so sweet. -
Eva's beautiful hair. -
Mike, Eva's brother - he will kick your ass! -
As a loli -
Eva, how far did you fall again? -
LAMP SHADE ON HEAD! -
Z or R twice!!!1 -
Mike is one with himself and keyboard -
Eva's God Form - a Mannequin from Silent Hill 2 -
Eva haet police -
Eva on a good day -
She tries to resists at first ... -
But soon even she cannot take her own odor! -
She's better than us. She has DENTAL TAPE -
Drugs are bad, mm'kay? -
/b/ prepares a Get Well Soon gift for Mike -
Good night, sweet Lamp. -
Eva and Mike's horrid offspring -
Special Instructions: Leave at doorstep, Ring doorbell -
Lampshade on head once again -
Before and after -
Eva with her 'elevate above the heart' cast sling -
Eva sporting her new look and final form
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Sweet Eva, in a drunken moment of clarity, pays tribute to the Rickroll by painting on her cast with nail polish. -
The result of a Sweet Eva trolling session -
Loss of consciousness, sombreros, and exploitation: a usual night on Eva's cam -
Mike brings home a freshly plucked turkey for Christmas
Vidyas
A montage of crazy.
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External Links
- Her CAM4 account
Here is where the beast lies - Her iwebcam account, full of fail and AIDS
- Her BlogTV
- Her LiveVideo
- Her MySpazz. LOL at all the comments on her photos.
Her YoutubeBALEETED FOR TOS VIOLATIONS LOL- Her Twatter
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Sweet Eva is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
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Sweet Eva is part of a series on Visit the Chans Portal for complete coverage. |
| Sweet Eva is part of a series on LERNIN 2 INTERNET 
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Pitfalls: Aspierations • BLANKING IN PROGRESS • Charming Naïveté • Delete fucking everything • DOIN IT RONG • Edginess • Failing it • Internet tough guy • Kids on the internet • Legal action • Liberalism • Mental illness • Mod Sass • Skript kiddies • Sob Stories • Trolls • Unrealistic Expectations • Unwarranted Self-Importance • Waaaambulance Previous Hiscores: PROTIPS: |
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